Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 44

Brown--"Ah! they've just dropped the anchor."

Mrs. B.--"And served 'em right! It's been dangling outside all the morning!"

As the immaculate young woman and the tired but happy-looking young man entered the Pullman, followed by a grinning porter, the other pa.s.sengers became "wise" in a moment. The stout drummer leaned over to the man behind him and remarked:

"Bride and groom--100 to 1."

Every one turned to view the newcomers, who had deposited themselves vis-a-vis in No. 4. As if unconscious of any scrutiny, the young man said, in a high, nasal voice:

"Well, do as you like about it; either increase the margin or let it go. You didn't follow my advice in the first place, but if you want to pull out, you'd better do it now."

"Oh, I know," the woman replied. "What's the use of going all over it again?"

"Huh!" said the stout man's companion. "Guess you lose. Been playing the market. Not much bride and groom talk in that."

The rest of the pa.s.sengers sniffed and then turned their backs on the new couple. Whereat the young man smiled at the young woman, and they softly joined hands as he whispered:

"Millicent, dear, my shoes are full of rice."

A Short time ago an old lady went on board Nelson's flag-ship, the _Victory_. The different objects of interest were duly shown her, and on reaching the spot where the great naval hero was wounded (which is marked by a raised bra.s.s plate), the officer remarked: "Here Nelson fell." "And no wonder!" exclaimed the old lady; "I nearly fell there myself."

A Good Samaritan, pa.s.sing an apartment-house in the small hours of the morning, noticed a man leaning limply against the doorway.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Drunk?"

"Yep."

"Do you live in this house?"

"Yep."

"Do you want me to help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

With much difficulty he half dragged, half carried the drooping figure up the stairway to the second floor.

"What floor do you live on?" he asked. "Is this it?"

"Yep."

Rather than face an irate wife who might, perhaps, take him for a companion more at fault than her spouse, he opened the first door he came to and pushed the limp figure in.

The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again. As he was pa.s.sing through the vestibule he was able to make out the dim outlines of another man, apparently in worse condition than the first one.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you drunk, too?"

"Yep," was the feeble reply.

"Do you live in this house, too?"

"Yep."

"Shall I help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

Stopping on the second floor, where this man also said he lived, he opened the door and pushed him in. As he again reached the front door he discerned the shadow of a third man, evidently worse off than either of the other two. He was about to approach him when the object of his solicitude lurched out into the street and threw himself into the arms of a pa.s.sing policeman. "For Heaven's sake, off'cer," he gasped, "protect me from that man. He's done nothin' all night long but carry me upstairs 'n' throw me down th' elevator shaf'."

Husband comes in to find his wife turning everything topsy-turvy.

"Good gracious! Isabel, what are you doing?"

"I just received a telegram from Aunt Jane saying she'll be here at 6.30 and I can't find her photograph anywhere."

At the school at which the writer was educated there was a certain a.s.sistant master who invariably "put his foot in it" when he got the chance. On one occasion, being exasperated by the conduct of a boy, he turned to him and said, "Look here, X., I'll take care that you won't be the biggest fool in the cla.s.s as long as I'm here."

Mrs. Barron was one of the new "summer folk," and not acquainted with the vernacular. Consequently, she was somewhat surprised, upon sending an order for a roast of lamb to the nearest butcher, to receive the following note in reply: "Dear Mam. I am sorry I have not killed myself this week, but I can get you a leg off my brother (the butcher at the farther end of the town). He's full up of what you want. I seen him last night with five legs. Yours respectful. George Gunton."

An artist employed in repairing the properties of an old church in Belgium, being refused payment in a lump sum, was asked for details, and sent in his bill as follows:-

1. Corrected the Ten Commandments, 1 10 0

2. Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a ribbon in his bonnet, 0 8 1

3. Put a New Tail on the Rooster of St. Peter and mended his Comb, 0 12 0

4. Re-plumed and Gilded the Left Wing of the Guardian Angel, 0 15 6

5. Washed the Servant of the High Priest and put carmine on his cheek, 0 1 0

6. Renewed Heaven, adjusted two Stars, and cleaned the Moon, 1 16 0

7. Re-animated the Flames of Purgatory and restored Souls, 6 7 0