Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 46

The patron took all these gashes in grave silence. But when the shave was over he filled a gla.s.s at the water-cooler, took a mouthful of water, and, with compressed lips, proceeded to shake his head from side to side.

"What is the matter?" the barber asked. "You ain't got the toothache, have you?"

"No," said the customer; "I only wanted to see if my mouth would still hold water without leaking."

At one of the lectures by Professor George Kirchwey, dean of Columbia Law College, New York, the students were uneasy. There was something wrong in the air. Books were dropped, chairs were pushed along the floor. There were various interruptions. The nerves of all were on edge. The members of the cla.s.s kept their eyes on the clock and awaited the conclusion of the hour of the lecture. The clock beat Professor Kirchwey by perhaps a minute, but at the expiration of the schedule time the students started to their feet and prepared to leave. "Wait a minute," objected Professor Kirchwey; "don't go just yet. I have a few more pearls to cast."

Mrs. Flint _always_ demanded instant and unquestioning obedience from her children. One afternoon a storm came up and she sent her son John to close the trapdoor leading to the roof.

"But mother--" said John.

"John, I told you to shut the trapdoor."

"Yes, but, Mother--"

"John, shut that trapdoor."

"All right, Mother, if you say so, but--"

"John!"

John slowly climbed the stairs and shut the trapdoor. The storm howled and raged. Two hours later the family gathered for tea. When the meal was half over Aunt Mary had not appeared, and Mrs. Flint started an investigation. She did not have to ask many questions; John answered the first one:

"Please, Mother, she is up on the roof."

An absent-minded scientist, in the employ of the government at Washington, recently met his physician in the street.

"I don't know what's the matter with me, Doctor," said the man of science. "I am limping badly to-day. Do you think it's locomotor ataxia?"

"Scarcely that," replied the physician. "You are walking with one foot on the curb and the other in the gutter."

One Sunday John Wanamaker visited the Sunday-school cla.s.ses in which he was greatly interested, and after talking the lesson over told the pupils he would try to answer any questions the boys or girls wanted to ask him.

One little girl raised her hand, and spoke out timidly: "Will you please tell me, Mr. Wanamaker, how much those large French dolls are that you have in your show-window?"

Judge--"Have you been arrested before?"

Prisoner--"No, sir."

Judge--"Have you been in this court before?"

Prisoner--"No, sir."

Judge--"Are you certain?"

Prisoner--"I am, sir."

Judge--"But your face looks decidedly familiar. Where have I seen it before?"

Prisoner--"I'm the bartender in the saloon across the way, sir."

Henry Guy Carleton, wit, journalist, and playwright, has an impediment in his speech about which he is not in the least sensitive. Meeting Nat Goodwin one day he asked:

"G-g-goodwin, c-c-an you g-g-give m-m-me f-f-fifteen m-m-minutes?"

"Certainly," replied the comedian, "what is it?"

"I w-w-want to have f-f-five m-m-minutes' c-c-conversation with you."

A German pedler rapped timidly at the kitchen entrance. Mrs. Kelly, angry at being interrupted in her washing, flung open the door and glowered at him.

"Did yez wish to see me?" she demanded in threatening tones.

The pedler backed off a few steps.

"Vell, if I did," he a.s.sured her with an apologetic grin, "I got my vish, thank you."

A lady from South America possessed of a decidedly quick temper came to New York with a very incomplete knowledge of the English language.

At her hotel she rang for the chambermaid. But a waiter came instead.

Having ascertained that the name of the chambermaid was Susan, the lady marshaled her meager knowledge of English in a desperate effort to make the waiter understand that he should call the chambermaid.

What she said to him, however, was:

"Call me Susan!"

The waiter leaned against the wall much alarmed.

"Call me Susan!" shouted the South American.

The waiter became appalled.

"Call me Susan!" roared the lady, her eyes flashing furiously.

"Susan, then--if you will have it!" exclaimed the poor waiter. Then he fled precipitately.