A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian Part 10

"And will I be able to meet Mrs Mayevska? When does she come back from work?"

"She is always coining at different time. Sometimes early, sometimes late. Better you telephone first."

The inspector makes another note, then she puts her notebook away in her brown briefcase and shakes my father's hand. He watches her small turquoise Fiat disappear around a bend in the road, and telephones me with the news.

A fortnight later Valentina gets a letter from the Home Office. Her application for leave to stay in Britain has been refused. The inspector has found no evidence of a genuine marriage. She flies into a rage at my father.

"You foolish idiot man. You giving all wrong answer. Why you no show her you love-letter poem? Why you no show her wedding picture?"

"Why should I show her a poem? She did not ask to see poem, she asked to see bedroom."

"Hah! She see you no good man to go into woman bedroom."

"You no good woman shut husband out of bedroom."

"What you want in bedroom, eh? Thphoo! You squishy squashy. You flippy floppy. Squishy squashy flippy floppy!" she taunts. She puts her face close to his, and her voice gets louder and louder. "Squishy squashy! Flippy floppy!"

"Stop! Stop!" my father cries. "Go! Go! Go away! Go back to Ukraina!"

"Squishy squashy flippy floppy!"

He pushes her away. She pushes him back. She is bigger than he is. He stumbles, and bangs his arm against the corner of the dresser. A livid bruise rises.

"Look what you done!"

"Now you go crying to daughter! Help, help, Nadia Verochka! Wife beating me! Hah hah! Husband should beat wife!"

Maybe he would beat her if he could, but he cannot. For the first time, he realises how helpless he is. His heart fills with despair. Next day, when she is at work, he telephones me and tells me what happened. His words come stumbling, limping out, as though just speaking it aloud hurts. I express concern, but I feel smug. Wasn't I was right about the official view of penetration?

"You see, this matter of erectile dysfunction, Nadia. Sometimes it happens to the male."

"It doesn't matter, Pappa. She shouldn't mock you like that." Stupid man, I think. What did he expect?

"Don't tell Vera."

"Pappa, we may need Vera's help."

I had thought this story was going to be a knockabout farce, but now I see it is developing into a knockabout tragedy. He hasn't told me before because she listens when he talks on the telephone. And because he doesn't want Vera to know.

I resist the temptation to say 'I told you so, stupid man'. But I telephone Vera, and she says it for me.

"But really I blame you, Nadezhda," she adds. "You stopped him going into sheltered housing. None of this would have happened if he had gone into sheltered housing."

"n.o.body could have predicted it..."

"Nadia, I predicted it." Her voice rings with Big Sis triumph.

"OK, so you're so clever. How are we going to get him out of it?" I pull a mocking face that she can't see on the phone.

"There are two possibilities," says Vera. "Divorce or deportation. The first is expensive and uncertain. The second is also uncertain but at least Pappa doesn't have to pay for it."

"Can't we go for both?"

"How you've changed, Nadia. What's happened to all your feminist ideas?"

"Don't be so spiteful, Vera. We should be allies, but you just can't bring yourself to be civil to me, can you? I can understand why Pappa never tells you anything."

"Yes, well he's another idiot. Mother and I were the practical people in the family."

See how she claims Mother's legacy? It's not just the cupboard full of tins and jars, nor the gold locket, nor even the money in the savings account she's after: no, it's the inheritance of character, of nature, that we fight over.

"We never were a very practical family."

"What is the word you social workers use? A dysfunctional dysfunctional family. Maybe we should apply for a grant from the council." family. Maybe we should apply for a grant from the council."

Despite getting off to a shaky start, we manage to agree a division of labour. Vera, as the family expert on divorce, will contact solicitors, while I will find out the law relating to immigration and deportation. It feels uncomfortable at first to step out of my soft-soled liberal shoes into the stilettos of Mrs Flog'emandsend'emhome of Tunbridge Wells, but after a while the new shoes mould to my feet. I discover that Valentina has the right to appeal, and then if she is refused she has the right to appeal again to a tribunal. And she is also ent.i.tled to legal aid. She is obviously going to be here for some time.

"Maybe we should write to the Daily Mail Daily Mail." I am expanding into my role.

"Good idea," says Vera.

On the divorce front, my sister has a cunning plan. A contested divorce is going to be complex and expensive, she has discovered, so she hits on the idea of annulment-the no-consummation-therefore-no-marriage angle so popular with European royalty in the sixteenth century.

"You see the marriage never really existed so there is no need for a divorce," she explains to the wet-behind-the-ears trainee solicitor in the Peterborough practice. He has not come across this before, but he promises to look it up. He mumbles and stammers as he tries to get the details of the non-consummation from my sister over the phone.

"Good heavens," she says, "just how much detail do you need?"

But although it worked for European royalty, it isn't going to work for Pappa-it is only if one party complains about the other party's inability or refusal to consummate the marriage that non-consummation becomes a ground for annulment or divorce, the trainee solicitor writes in a clumsily worded letter.

"Well, I never knew that," says Vera, who thought she knew everything about divorce.

Valentina laughs out loud when Pappa suggests a divorce. "First I get pa.s.sport visa, then you get divorce."

Pappa, too, has gone off the idea of divorce. He is afraid that they will question him about squishy squashy. He is afraid the whole world will find out about flippy floppy.

"Better think of something else, Nadia," he says.

Despite the stress he is under, he has managed to finish another chapter of his history, but it has taken on a sombre tone. When Mike and I visit at the beginning of February, he takes us into the sitting-room, still full of last year's apples and as chilly as a cold store, and reads aloud to us.

The early makers of the tractor dreamed that swords would be turned into ploughshares, but now the spirit of the century grows dark, and we find that, instead, ploughshares are to be turned into swords The early makers of the tractor dreamed that swords would be turned into ploughshares, but now the spirit of the century grows dark, and we find that, instead, ploughshares are to be turned into swords. The Kharkiv Locomotive Factory, which once produced 1,000 tractors a week to feed the demands of the New Economic Plan, was relocated to Chelyabinsk beyond the Urals and converted to produce tanks by decree of K. J. Voroshilov, the People's Commissar for Defence The Kharkiv Locomotive Factory, which once produced 1,000 tractors a week to feed the demands of the New Economic Plan, was relocated to Chelyabinsk beyond the Urals and converted to produce tanks by decree of K. J. Voroshilov, the People's Commissar for Defence. The chief designer was Mikhail Koshkin, who was educated at the Leningrad Inst.i.tute and worked at the Kirov Plant until 1937. He was a moderate, cultured type, whose genius was used, one might say abused, by Stalin to create the Soviet Union's military supremacy. Koshkin's first tank, the Aso, ran on the original caterpillar tracks, with a 45-mm gun and armour that would withstand a hit by a sh.e.l.l. This was renamed the T32 when the gun size was increased to 76.2 mm and the armour was also made thicker. The T32 saw action in the Spanish Civil War, where the thinness of the armour plating made it vulnerable, though its manoeuvrability was much admired. Out of this was bom the legendary T34, which many credit with having turned the tide of the war. It had even thicker armour, and to compensate for the additional weight, was the first locomotive to be fitted with a cast aluminium engine The chief designer was Mikhail Koshkin, who was educated at the Leningrad Inst.i.tute and worked at the Kirov Plant until 1937. He was a moderate, cultured type, whose genius was used, one might say abused, by Stalin to create the Soviet Union's military supremacy. Koshkin's first tank, the Aso, ran on the original caterpillar tracks, with a 45-mm gun and armour that would withstand a hit by a sh.e.l.l. This was renamed the T32 when the gun size was increased to 76.2 mm and the armour was also made thicker. The T32 saw action in the Spanish Civil War, where the thinness of the armour plating made it vulnerable, though its manoeuvrability was much admired. Out of this was bom the legendary T34, which many credit with having turned the tide of the war. It had even thicker armour, and to compensate for the additional weight, was the first locomotive to be fitted with a cast aluminium engine.

His voice is weaker, more quavery, and he has to keep stopping for breath.

In the ferocious weather of February 1940, the first T34 was driven to Moscow to be paraded before the Soviet leadership. It made a huge impression, not least because of the way it rolled so smoothly over the rutted, cobbled, snow-bound streets of the capital. However, poor Koshkin did not live to see his creation in production. On this trip, being exposed for many hours to the abominable weather, he contracted pneumonia, and died some months later However, poor Koshkin did not live to see his creation in production. On this trip, being exposed for many hours to the abominable weather, he contracted pneumonia, and died some months later. The design was completed by his pupil and colleague Aleksandr ' Morozov, a dashing and handsome young engineer. Under his guidance, the first T34 tanks rolled off the a.s.sembly line in August 1940, as they were soon to roll off in their hundreds and thousands. In honour of this, the town of Chelyabinsk, formerly most noted for production of tractors, was renamed Tankograd The design was completed by his pupil and colleague Aleksandr ' Morozov, a dashing and handsome young engineer. Under his guidance, the first T34 tanks rolled off the a.s.sembly line in August 1940, as they were soon to roll off in their hundreds and thousands. In honour of this, the town of Chelyabinsk, formerly most noted for production of tractors, was renamed Tankograd.

Outside the window, the sun sinks into the frosted furrows which have not thawed all day. The wind that nips the branches has blown in from the flatlands of the East Anglia coast, and beyond that from the steppes, and beyond the steppes from the Urals.

My father is warmly wrapped against the cold with fingerless gloves and a woollen hat and three pairs of socks. He leans forward in his chair, reading through his thick gla.s.ses. Behind him on the mantelpiece sits a portrait of my mother. She is looking over his shoulder, out towards the fields and the horizon. Why did she marry him, this musing brown-eyed young woman with coiled, plaited hair and a mysterious smile? Was he a dashing and handsome young engineer? Did he seduce her with talk of automatic transmission and gifts of engine oil?

"Why did she marry him?" I ask Vera.

Mrs Divorce Expert and Mrs Flog'emandsend'emhome have been swapping notes on the phone, and the tone between us has become quite cordial. We moved from talking about our father's marriage to Valentina to our parents' marriage, and now I see the door to the past has opened a crack, and I want to push.

"It was after the submarine commander was killed at Sebas-topol. I suppose she was frightened of being on her own. It was a frightening time."

"What submarine commander?"

"From the Black Sea Fleet. Whom she was engaged to."

"Mother was engaged to a submarine commander?"

"Didn't you know? He was the love of her life."

"Not Pappa?"

"What do you you think?" think?"

"I don't know," Bogey-nose whines, "no one ever told me anything about it."

"Sometimes it's better not to know."

With a snap, Big Sis closes the door to the past and turns the key.

Eleven.

Under duress A date has been set for Valentina to appeal against the Immigration Service decision. Suddenly my father realises he is not so powerless after all. The appeal is to be held in Nottingham in April. date has been set for Valentina to appeal against the Immigration Service decision. Suddenly my father realises he is not so powerless after all. The appeal is to be held in Nottingham in April.

"I'm not going," says Pappa.

"Yes you go," says Valentina.

"You go by yourself. Why I shall travel to Nottingham?"

"You foolish man. If you no go, immigration bureaucraczia will say, where you husband? Why you no husband?"

"Tell bureaucraczia I am sick. Tell them I will not go."

Valentina gets advice from her solicitor in Peterborough. He tells her that her case will be seriously compromised if her husband does not go, unless she can produce evidence of his illness.

"You sick in head," says Valentina to my father. "You causing too much trouble. Too much crazy talking. Too much kiss kiss. No good eighty-four-year man. Doctor must write letter."

"I am not sick," says Father. "I am poet and engineer. By the way, Valentina, you should remember that Nietzsche himself was considered to be mad by those who were his intellectual inferiors. We will go to Doctor Figges. She will tell you I am not sick in head."

The village doctor, a softly spoken woman approaching retirement, has treated my mother and father for twenty years.

"Good. We go to Doctor Figges. Then I tell Doctor Figges about orals.e.x," says Valentina. (What? Oral s.e.x? My father?) "No no! Valya, why you must talk about this to everybody?" (He doesn't seem to mind talking to me!) "I will tell her eighty-four-year husband want make orals.e.x. Squishy squashy husband want make orals.e.x." (Please Pappa-this is making me feel a bit queasy.) "Please, Valenka."

Valentina relents. They will go to a different doctor instead. Valentina and Mrs Zadchuk bundle my father into c.r.a.p car. They are in such a hurry to get to the surgery before he changes his mind that his coat is b.u.t.toned up out of kilter and his shoes are on the wrong feet. Instead of his distance gla.s.ses he is still wearing his reading gla.s.ses, so everything pa.s.ses in front of his eyes in a blur-the rain, the flicking of the windscreen wipers, the misted-up car windows, the smear of hedgerows as they pa.s.s. Valentina sits in the front, driving in her wild self-taught way, while Mrs Zadchuk sits in the back hanging tightly on to Nikolai, in case he decides to open the door and fling himself out. So they career around the narrow country lanes, splashing through puddles, sending a couple of pheasants running for their lives.

They do not take him to Doctor Figges at the village practice, but to a neighbouring village where there is another branch of the same practice, but staffed by a different GP. They are expecting to see the middle-aged Indian doctor, but instead there is a loc.u.m. Doctor Pollock is young, red-haired and very pretty. My father does not want to discuss his problems with her. He peers at her myopically through his misted-up reading gla.s.ses, and tries to change his shoes around without her noticing. Valentina does all the talking. She is sure the young woman will be sympathetic to her case, and she goes into some detail about my father's strange behaviour-the coughing, the Toshiba apples, the tractor monologues, the persistent s.e.xual demands. Doctor Pollock looks intently at my father, notices the odd shoes, the staring eyes, the mis-b.u.t.toned coat, and asks him a number of questions: "How long have you been married? Are you experiencing s.e.xual difficulties? Why exactly have you come to see me?"

My father answers, "I don't know," to all of them. Then he turns to Valentina with a dramatic gesture: "Because she has brought me! This fiend out of h.e.l.l!"

Doctor Pollock declines to write a letter to the Immigration Service telling them that my father is too sick to attend Valentina's appeal. But she does tell my father that she will make an appointment for him to see a consultant psychiatrist at the Peterborough District Hospital.

"See!" says Valentina triumphantly. "Doctor say you crazy!" My father is silent. This is not the outcome he wanted.

"Do you think I am crazy, Nadia?" he asks me, over the telephone next day.

"Well, Pappa, to be honest, I do a bit. I thought you were crazy to marry Valentina-didn't I say so at the time?" (I want to say Hah hah! Told you so! But I bite my tongue.) "Ah, that was not crazy. That was a simple mistake. Anyone can make mistake."

"That's true," I say. I am still angry with him, but I am also sorry for him.

"What is all this about oral s.e.x?" I ask Vera. We are swapping notes again. It is getting quite pally.

"Oh, it's some sordid idea from Margaritka Zadchuk. Apparently Valentina told her we were looking for an annulment on the grounds of non-consummation."

"But did they...?"

"I'm sorry, Nadezhda. It's too disgusting to talk about."

I find out from Pappa anyway. Valentina has been talking to her friend Margaritka Zadchuk, who has a thing or two to tell her. Old Mrs Mayevska was a cunning and thrifty woman, she says. When she died, she had saved up a huge fortune. Hundred thousand of pound. All is hidden somewhere in house. Why is that meanie husband not giving it to her? Meanie husband chuckles when he tells me this. She will pull up the whole house and she will not find a penny.

Mrs Zadchuk has taught Valentina a new word: orals.e.x. Is very popular in England, Mrs Zadchuk says. You can read about it in all English newspaper. Good Ukrainian people are not making orals.e.x. Meanie husband has lived too long in England, reads English newspaper, gets English orals.e.x idea. Orals.e.x is good, says Mrs Zadchuk, because with orals.e.x everyone knows is genuinely marriage, meanie husband cannot say is no genuinely marriage.

And another thing Mrs Zadchuk tells her-if she gets a divorce from that meanie wife-beating husband of hers, because of orals.e.x, she will be sure to get half of the house. That is the law in England. Fired up with dreams of unimaginable riches, she confronts my father.

"First I get pa.s.sport visa, then I get divorce. When I get divorce I will have half of house."

"Why not start now?" he says. "We will divide up house. You and Stanislav will have upstairs, I will have downstairs."