A Nonsense Anthology Part 35

KINDNESS TO ANIMALS

Speak gently to the herring and kindly to the calf, Be blithesome with the bunny, at barnacles don't laugh!

Give nuts unto the monkey, and buns unto the bear, Ne'er hint at currant jelly if you chance to see a hare!

Oh, little girls, pray hide your combs when tortoises draw nigh, And never in the hearing of a pigeon whisper Pie!

But give the stranded jelly-fish a shove into the sea,-- Be always kind to animals wherever you may be!

Oh, make not game of sparrows, nor faces at the ram, And ne'er allude to mint sauce when calling on a lamb.

Don't beard the thoughtful oyster, don't dare the cod to crimp, Don't cheat the pike, or ever try to pot the playful shrimp.

Tread lightly on the turning worm, don't bruise the b.u.t.terfly, Don't ridicule the wry-neck, nor sneer at salmon-fry; Oh, ne'er delight to make dogs fight, nor bantams disagree,-- Be always kind to animals wherever you may be!

Be lenient with lobsters, and ever kind to crabs, And be not disrespectful to cuttle-fish or dabs; Chase not the Cochin-China, chaff not the ox obese, And babble not of feather-beds in company with geese.

Be tender with the tadpole, and let the limpet thrive, Be merciful to mussels, don't skin your eels alive; When talking to a turtle don't mention calipee-- Be always kind to animals wherever you may be.

_J. Ashby-Sterry_.

SAGE COUNSEL

The lion is the beast to fight, He leaps along the plain, And if you run with all your might, He runs with all his mane.

I'm glad I'm not a Hottentot, But if I were, with outward cal-lum I'd either faint upon the spot Or hie me up a leafy pal-lum.

The chamois is the beast to hunt; He's fleeter than the wind, And when the chamois is in front, The hunter is behind.

The Tyrolese make famous cheese And hunt the chamois o'er the chaz-zums; I'd choose the former if you please, For precipices give me spaz-zums.

The polar bear will make a rug Almost as white as snow; But if he gets you in his hug, He rarely lets you go.

And Polar ice looks very nice, With all the colors of a pris-sum; But, if you'll follow my advice, Stay home and learn your catechissum.

_A.T. Quiller-Couch_.

OF BAITING THE LION

Remembering his taste for blood You'd better bait him with a cow; Persuade the brute to chew the cud Her tail suspended from a bough; It thrills the lion through and through To hear the milky creature moo.

Having arranged this simple ruse, Yourself you climb a neighboring tree; See to it that the spot you choose Commands the coming tragedy; Take up a smallish Maxim gun, A search-light, whisky, and a bun.

It's safer, too, to have your bike Standing immediately below, In case your piece should fail to strike, Or deal an ineffective blow; The Lion moves with perfect grace, But cannot go the scorcher's pace.

Keep open ear for subtle signs; Thus, when the cow profusely moans, That means to say, the Lion dines.

The crunching sound, of course, is bones; Silence resumes her ancient reign-- This shows the cow is out of pain.

But when a fat and torpid hum Escapes the eater's unctuous nose, Turn up the light and let it come Full on his innocent repose; Then pour your shot between his eyes, And go on pouring till he dies.

Play, even so, discretion's part; Descend with stealth; bring on your gun; Then lay your hand above his heart To see if he is really done; Don't skin him till you know he's dead Or you may perish in his stead!

Years hence, at home, when talk is tall, You'll set the gun-room wide agape, Describing how with just a small Pea-rifle, going after ape You met a Lion unaware, And felled him flying through the air.

_Owen Seaman_.

THE FROG

Be kind and tender to the Frog, And do not call him names, As "Slimy-Skin," or "Polly-wog,"

Or likewise, "Uncle James,"

Or "Gape-a-grin," or "Toad-gone-wrong,"

Or "Billy-Bandy-knees;"

The Frog is justly sensitive To epithets like these.

No animal will more repay A treatment kind and fair, At least, so lonely people say Who keep a frog (and, by the way, They are extremely rare).

_Hilaire Belloc_.

THE YAK

As a friend to the children commend me the yak, You will find it exactly the thing: It will carry and fetch, you can ride on its back, Or lead it about with a string.

A Tartar who dwells on the plains of Thibet (A desolate region of snow) Has for centuries made it a nursery pet, And surely the Tartar should know!

Then tell your papa where the Yak can be got, And if he is awfully rich, He will buy you the creature--or else he will not, (I cannot be positive which).

_Hilaire Belloc_.

THE PYTHON

A python I should not advise, It needs a doctor for its eyes, And has the measles yearly.

However, if you feel inclined To get one (to improve your mind, And not from fashion merely),

Allow no music near its cage; And when it flies into a rage Chastise it most severely.

I had an Aunt in Yucatan Who bought a Python from a man And kept it for a pet.

She died because she never knew These simple little rules and few;-- The snake is living yet.

_Hilaire Belloc_.