You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News Part 6

In the general population, whether or not you believe this stat tends to depend on how much you hate Christmas. When we're miserable, we like to project it on other people and a.s.sume they're all miserable too. And if thinking that other people are suicidal makes you feel a little less suicidal yourself, then go for it.

THE FOUR MOST INSANE ATTEMPTS TO TURN NATURE INTO A WEAPON.

NATURE inspires mankind's greatest ideas. The vivid colors of the setting sun might be reflected in an abstract masterpiece. The simple, rugged lines of a mountain range could serve as inspiration for an architectural wonder. The gentle caress of ocean waves lapping on the beach may be heard undulating in the symphonies of Mozart. inspires mankind's greatest ideas. The vivid colors of the setting sun might be reflected in an abstract masterpiece. The simple, rugged lines of a mountain range could serve as inspiration for an architectural wonder. The gentle caress of ocean waves lapping on the beach may be heard undulating in the symphonies of Mozart.

Or we could just shove nature into a gun and kill people with it. We do that a lot too.

4. BALL LIGHTNING CANNON.

What is it?

Ball lightning is a phenomenon that usually occurs during thunderstorms and is often mistaken for fire or, in the South, a UFO. It's quite similar to ordinary lightning, but it's much rarer, lasts longer, and comes in a playful ball shape, presumably just to mess with your head. Science really doesn't know a ton about it, beyond the fact that it's astoundingly dangerous and notoriously unpredictable. So obviously scientists started trying to weaponize it the moment it was discovered. n.o.body's gone public with how successful they have actually been, but Dr. Paul Koloc has been working on it for at least thirty years. Koloc's not one of those PhDs with pretentious fake goals like "advancing understanding" or "doing good"-no, his goal is now and has always been to create a functioning plasma cannon. He calls it the Phased Hyper-Acceleration for Shock, EMP, and Radiation, or PHASER, because he's a triple-threat guy: deadly, brilliant, and a giant nerd.

A ball lightning-based weapon would theoretically destroy man and machine alike. It would be useful for shutting down electronics, shooting down missiles, stopping car engines, or just barbequing square-jawed do-gooders while the operator laughs maniacally and screams electricity-based puns from atop a giant robot spider.

Does it work?

Not yet! The problem isn't in creating the plasma itself-Dr. Koloc has been able to generate rings of various sizes for a while now-no, the problem is sustaining that plasma ring for a long enough period to kill someone dead. In part, this difficulty is because we don't know what ball lightning is exactly or how it works. And having even the vaguest understanding of something is a very helpful step when you're trying to put it in a gun and shoot planes out of the sky with it. So at this stage in the game, the military having a lightning cannon would be akin to a kindergartener owning a revolver that fires calculus.

3. DEEP DIGGER.

What is it?

Chances are you've heard the term bunker buster bunker buster before-the name of a bomb capable of destroying hardened underground structures, as well as a girl with a big ol' booty who knows how to use it (we made that one up, but we still stand behind it as a brilliant and accurate nickname). A typical bunker buster bomb has a timer that's activated once the bomb is released. The explosive is set to detonate only after the bomb has enough time to crash through a certain number of floors within a structure. The Deep Digger is the next logical step: Rather than simply crashing through your ceiling and exploding, the Digger actually propels itself through the earth or concrete-tunneling into bases-before it goes off. before-the name of a bomb capable of destroying hardened underground structures, as well as a girl with a big ol' booty who knows how to use it (we made that one up, but we still stand behind it as a brilliant and accurate nickname). A typical bunker buster bomb has a timer that's activated once the bomb is released. The explosive is set to detonate only after the bomb has enough time to crash through a certain number of floors within a structure. The Deep Digger is the next logical step: Rather than simply crashing through your ceiling and exploding, the Digger actually propels itself through the earth or concrete-tunneling into bases-before it goes off.

And that's pretty terrifying, but where does nature come into all this? Well, the ma.s.sive pulse created by the Deep Digger actually triggers a localized mini-earthquake upon detonation-collapsing tunnels, crushing subterranean bases, and probably p.i.s.sing off any nearby Mole Men (but we'll cross that bridge when it rises from the earth to wreak vengeance on our children).

Does it work?

Oh yes, and their ma.s.s-production could mean the end of underground bunkers or underground anything that's not a Deep Digger, for that matter, in modern warfare. The newest version of the Deep Digger can reach depths of 150 feet, where, after separating into a group of twenty drilling warheads, they detonate and collapse all structures up to 300 feet below the surface for a 200-yard radius.

"But wait, couldn't bunkers be built below 300 feet?" you ask, because you're kind of a killjoy.

Yes, but there's something you're not thinking about: Every bunker needs an entrance leading to the surface. The damage isn't done by exploding the bunker; it's done by sealing the earth around the people inside of it. So, if you want to be technical about it, the Deep Digger is a nonlethal weapon like mace or tear gas; that is, if mace buried you and your friends alive until you suffocated or cannibalized each other.

2. THE SUN GUN.

What is it?

During World War II the Germans were developing a series of whimsically named Wunderwaffen Wunderwaffen, or "wonder weapons," which, despite sounding like a warfare strategy developed by the Care Bears, were actually terrifying. These Wunderwaffen Wunderwaffen were designed to be both practical and theatrical-intimidating foes while also killing the s.h.i.t out of them. If you gathered up every Bond villain superweapon and whipped them into a mixture of dubious science and murder, added a dash of the occult, and baked it in an oven preheated to clown-s.h.i.t-crazy degrees, you'd get the sun gun. Originally designed in 1929, the sun gun was pretty simple: A s.p.a.ce station in orbit held a hundred-meter-wide mirror, which it used to focus concentrated sunlight on any point on the planet. It was like a gargantuan n.a.z.i child roasting human ants with his s.p.a.ce magnifying gla.s.s, if that helps you picture it. were designed to be both practical and theatrical-intimidating foes while also killing the s.h.i.t out of them. If you gathered up every Bond villain superweapon and whipped them into a mixture of dubious science and murder, added a dash of the occult, and baked it in an oven preheated to clown-s.h.i.t-crazy degrees, you'd get the sun gun. Originally designed in 1929, the sun gun was pretty simple: A s.p.a.ce station in orbit held a hundred-meter-wide mirror, which it used to focus concentrated sunlight on any point on the planet. It was like a gargantuan n.a.z.i child roasting human ants with his s.p.a.ce magnifying gla.s.s, if that helps you picture it.

Did it work?

If you're reading this right now, chances are your grandparents weren't melted alive by s.p.a.ce n.a.z.is-but that isn't because the mirror didn't work; the n.a.z.is just never finished building it. There weren't enough resources (or s.p.a.ceflight) at the time, but researchers were able to determine the necessary size required of a mirror to burn up a city and even what materials they could use to construct it.

During Allied interrogation, those working on the sun gun stated that it was all merely a matter of time and manpower to get a fully functioning prototype. They weren't wrong of course. It just would have taken much more time and manpower than they could muster. Seeing as these were the same people who thought Hitler was an awesome boss and that the "nation" of Poland was more of a suggestion, really, n.o.body was too surprised when it turned out they were full of s.h.i.t.

1. THE VORTEX CANNON.

What is it?

Another Wunderwaffen Wunderwaffen, or w.i.l.l.y Wonka's weapons of whimsy, the vortex cannon worked on the idea that even small-scale turbulence could knock fighter planes out of the sky. The n.a.z.is figured if they could create turbulent skies on demand, they could economize on the ma.s.sive resources they spent building sh.e.l.ls for antiaircraft artillery and start really getting serious about the giant sun laser. A n.a.z.i scientist named Dr. Zimmermeyer developed the first version of the vortex cannon, which was astoundingly simple technology considering we're talking about a tornado gun: A giant mortar barrel was sunk into the ground and loaded with sh.e.l.ls containing coal dust, hydrogen, and oxygen. When the sh.e.l.ls detonated, they would create a mini-vortex strong enough to bring down any planes within a hundred meters and cause everybody witnessing it to quit the war because "dark wizardry" isn't covered under the Geneva Conventions.

Did it work?

Holy s.h.i.t . . . yes?! At one point in history, the n.a.z.i forces had a functioning tornado gun they used to whirl planes out of the sky? Presumably Indiana Jones got to them before it could be deployed, as that is the only conceivable reason why we won the war against the Axis of Ridiculous Superweapons.

Well, actually it was because the gun didn't work nearly as reliably as conventional antiaircraft weaponry. Considering the whole appeal of the vortex cannon was that it was supposed to consume fewer resources than a normal gun to take down a plane, the Axis decided to stick with the stupid, boring old explosive sh.e.l.ls.

So really, it all boils down to this: The only reason you're not living in a fantastical comic book world of wacky doomsday devices is because the people in accounting ran the numbers, and supervillainy, while totally feasible, was just too d.a.m.ned expensive.

THE FOUR GREATEST THINGS EVER ACCOMPLISHED WHILE HIGH.

REMEMBER DARE? Those brave police officers came into your school and told you nothing good ever came from drugs? They were lying too. DARE? Those brave police officers came into your school and told you nothing good ever came from drugs? They were lying too.

4. FRANCIS CRICK DISCOVERS DNA THANKS TO LSD.

Francis Crick is the closest the field of genetics gets to a rock star, which it turns out is pretty d.a.m.n close. In 1953, he burst through the front door of his Cambridge home and told his wife, Odile, to draw two spirals twisting in opposite directions from one another. She drew what he described, having no clue that her sketch would become the most reproduced drawing in the history of science: a first draft of the double helix structure of DNA that scientists today still describe as "b.a.l.l.s on."

The drug: LSD When not discovering the key to life, and winning the n.o.bel Prize for it, Crick spent the 1950s and '60s throwing all-night parties famous for featuring that era's favorite party favors: LSD and bare-naked b.r.e.a.s.t.s. Crick never made it a secret that he experimented with the drug, and in 2006 the London Mail on Sunday Mail on Sunday reported that Crick had told many colleagues that he was experimenting with LSD when he figured out the double helix structure. reported that Crick had told many colleagues that he was experimenting with LSD when he figured out the double helix structure.

Why it makes sense The double helix is essentially the Sgt. Pepper's Sgt. Pepper's of scientific models, a ladder that's been melted and twirled by a pasta fork, or the two snakes from the caduceus if one of them was boning the other with a hundred d.i.c.ks (depending on whether the artist ate the good or bad acid). Now, obviously scientists don't arrive at models by doodling on their Trapper Keepers and picking out the shape that looks the coolest. Crick was a fan of Aldous Huxley's of scientific models, a ladder that's been melted and twirled by a pasta fork, or the two snakes from the caduceus if one of them was boning the other with a hundred d.i.c.ks (depending on whether the artist ate the good or bad acid). Now, obviously scientists don't arrive at models by doodling on their Trapper Keepers and picking out the shape that looks the coolest. Crick was a fan of Aldous Huxley's The Doors of Perception The Doors of Perception, a study of the human mind undertaken, like all good studies, while driving around LA on mescaline.

Huxley wrote that the sober mind has a series of filters on it that basically prevent abstract thought. Evolution put them there to keep you from plowing your car into a tree while gazing at the mind-blowing beauty of its foliage. But Huxley and Crick thought drugs like mescaline and LSD could temporarily remove those filters. So rather than melting his mind into a lava lamp of trippy shapes, Crick probably used LSD to get unfiltered access to a part of his brain most normal people rarely use.

Before you go trying it . . .

While Crick never officially wore a tinfoil hat, he was known to argue that life was seeded on earth by a race of prehistoric aliens, a theory that has yet to gain widespread acceptance among the scientific community or really anyone who isn't a character on The X-Files The X-Files or a member of the Church of Scientology. or a member of the Church of Scientology.

3. FREUD AND COCAINE INVENT PSYCHOa.n.a.lYSIS.

Freudian psychoa.n.a.lysis is one of the most influential and controversial theories of the twentieth century. While you can argue its merits all day, you can't deny that it created an entire branch of medicine and, more important, gave us the two best seasons of The Sopranos The Sopranos.

The drug: cocaine The first ten years of Sigmund Freud's career were like a roving cocaine pep rally. He wrote cocaine prescriptions for his friends with headaches, nasal ailments, or just to "give [their] cheeks a red color." He wrote cocaine-fueled love letters to his wife in which he referred to himself as a "wild man with cocaine in his blood." Oh, and he also published a paper called On Coca On Coca, wherein the basic thesis was: Cocaine is freaking awesome. You should really think about trying some.

After one of his friends overdosed on the drug, Freud quietly folded up his cocaine pom-poms and sweater-skirt combo, and went on to found the theory that bears his name. But according to Freud biographer Louis Berger, it may also have played a part in the less-embarra.s.sing second act of his career.

Why it makes sense Apparently, before cocaine Freud was an emotionally sterile, socially awkward lab rat. Flash forward to a series of all-night cocaine benders in which Freud and his friend Fleischel stayed up all night discussing their "profoundest despair."

Scarfreud 2: Freudface This probably sounds familiar to anyone who's been around people on the drug or has at least seen the movie Boogie Nights. Boogie Nights. Cocaine gives you a preternatural ability to talk about yourself, and according to Berger (who is a professor emeritus of psychoa.n.a.lytic studies at the California Inst.i.tute of Technology), it was responsible for Freud's enthusiasm for discussing how you feel about your mother. Cocaine gives you a preternatural ability to talk about yourself, and according to Berger (who is a professor emeritus of psychoa.n.a.lytic studies at the California Inst.i.tute of Technology), it was responsible for Freud's enthusiasm for discussing how you feel about your mother.

Before you go trying it . . .

Fleischel, the friend who sent Freud on the path toward psychoa.n.a.lysis, was also the friend the drug ended up killing.

2. A c.o.kE ADDICT MAKES A c.o.kE-FLAVORED COLA AND CALLS IT c.o.kE.

Coca-Cola is the biggest brand in the history of the world. Sure, it's mostly just soda water and sugar, but they sell about 400 billion cans of the stuff a year, an average of more than sixty cans to every single human being on the planet.

The drug: c.o.ke has it right there in the name When Coca-Cola was invented in the summer of 1885, sodas were advertised for their health benefits. Dr. Pepper got its name from the Texas physician who marketed it as a cure for impotence. Coca-Cola was able to stand out in the crowded market because its purported side effects weren't total and utter bulls.h.i.t.

John Pemberton, the Atlanta pharmacist who invented Coca-Cola, named it after the coca leaf, one of the ingredients he claimed cured everything from depression and nervousness to morphine addiction. If that sales pitch sounds familiar, congratulations, you could beat a chimpanzee in a game of memory. Coca is the leaf that produces cocaine, and like Freud, John Pemberton was a big fan.

Why it makes sense Pemberton said he was convinced from "actual experiments that coca is the very best subst.i.tute for opium addicts." Of course, he was speaking from personal experience, since he himself was a junky who used cocaine to kick the habit.

In his book For G.o.d, Country, and Coca-Cola For G.o.d, Country, and Coca-Cola, Mark Pendergrast claims there were about 8.45 milligrams of cocaine in each serving, which is about one-quarter of what people put up their nose to get high these days. But fans of the drink were known to chug up to five at a sitting, or to drink the syrup instead of mixing it with water, both practices that would bring the high to right around street level.

So how instrumental was the drug in making c.o.ke the largest brand on earth? By the time they removed its magic ingredient, in the early twentieth century, addicts were ordering the wildly popular beverage by asking for "a dope."

Before you go trying it . . .

Turns out Pemberton was wrong about cocaine's ability to cure morphine addiction. According to Pendergrast, the year he died he was so "worried about where money would come from for his morphine" that "John Pemberton sold two-thirds of his Coca-Cola rights . . . for the grand sum of one dollar." Of course, that's one dollar in 1888 money. Today, that'd be worth not even one G.o.dd.a.m.ned billionth one G.o.dd.a.m.ned billionth of what you should leave your family after inventing the most successful product in the history of capitalism! of what you should leave your family after inventing the most successful product in the history of capitalism!

1. DOCK ELLIS TRIPS HIS WAY TO A NO-HITTER.

In the hundreds of thousands of games in Major League Baseball history, there have been only 267 in which the starting pitcher completes a game without giving up a hit. Pedro Martinez, like most pitchers, has gone his entire career without throwing one. In fact, the New York Mets have been sending a pitcher out to the mound 162 times every season for forty-six years, and not a single one has pitched one. Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Dock Ellis did it on June 20, 1970, though he barely remembers being there.

The drug: acid The day of his no-hitter, Dock Ellis woke up around noon on what he thought was Friday and ate three tabs of acid. When his girlfriend arrived carrying Sat.u.r.day's newspaper, Ellis realized that either his girlfriend was a time traveler or he'd slept through Friday. The sports page had more bad news-he was scheduled to pitch in San Diego in six hours. Not only had he woken up on the wrong day, but the city that was just starting to swim around him was Los Angeles.

Unfazed, Ellis hopped a flight to San Diego and faced down a lineup that had woken up knowing what day it was and also had the upper hand in the "not on acid" category.

Not a single one got a hit.

Ellis remembers very little about the game, other than that sometimes the ball looked huge and other times tiny, and that at one point he dove out of the way of a line drive, only to look up and see that the ball hadn't even reached the mound.

Why it makes sense Writing in the New Yorker New Yorker, Oliver Sacks describes a state of mind known among athletes as "the zone" in which, "A baseball . . . approaching at close to a hundred miles per hour . . . may seem to be almost immobile in the air, its very seams strikingly visible . . . in a suddenly enlarged and s.p.a.cious timescape." The zone is typically brought on by confidence, adrenaline, and being freaking awesome at baseball. Ellis was all of those things, and LSD's effects include increased heart rate and the perception that time has slowed. So it's conceivable that Ellis tripped his way into the zone.

There's also the mental component. A large part of throwing a no-hitter is getting over the fact that you're doing it. As the game goes on and the lonely b.a.s.t.a.r.d in the middle of "Time to pitch at baseball! Watch it throw, today! Sports forever!"

the diamond gets closer to immortality, the tension builds in the park and in the pitcher. Trying to throw a no-hitter is so mentally taxing that it's considered the height of d.i.c.kery for a teammate to acknowledge it until the final out is recorded.

But baseball history was the last thing on Ellis's mind that day. He was too busy trying to keep his s.h.i.t together while a bunch of giant lizards had an orgy in the on-deck circle.

Before you go trying it . . .

Ellis never reached his potential because of drug addiction. Instead of being a household name, he's just that guy who threw a no-hitter on acid.

FOUR MYTHOLOGICAL BEASTS THAT ACTUALLY EXIST.

CRYPTOZOOLOGY, according to cryptozoologists, is the study of heretofore undiscovered species. According to everybody else, it's what lunatics who prefer lying in the international language of science call the animals they make up. Bigfoot is the sp.a.w.n of cryptozoologists, for instance. It's pretty much a bulls.h.i.t factory, but every so often real researchers discover that the terrified villagers were warning them about that monster because it's according to cryptozoologists, is the study of heretofore undiscovered species. According to everybody else, it's what lunatics who prefer lying in the international language of science call the animals they make up. Bigfoot is the sp.a.w.n of cryptozoologists, for instance. It's pretty much a bulls.h.i.t factory, but every so often real researchers discover that the terrified villagers were warning them about that monster because it's right behind them right behind them. These are the terrifying myths that turned out to be terrifying realities.

4. THE KRAKEN: MONSTER FROM THE DEEP.

The myth The word kraken kraken is simply German for "octopus." Kind of a letdown, right? An octopus isn't very scary; it's more like the physical manifestation of p.u.b.escent awkwardness-all flailing limbs and messy secretions-but as with many monsters, it's really just a matter of scale. Nothing is cute when it's big enough to eat your house, and the kraken is no exception. is simply German for "octopus." Kind of a letdown, right? An octopus isn't very scary; it's more like the physical manifestation of p.u.b.escent awkwardness-all flailing limbs and messy secretions-but as with many monsters, it's really just a matter of scale. Nothing is cute when it's big enough to eat your house, and the kraken is no exception.

For years sailors have been returning to harbor with stories of a giant tentacled beast. Some said that it was more than a mile in diameter. Others claimed that it was the first animal made in all of creation and would only perish when the world ended. We tended to relegate tales of the kraken to the same bin of bulls.h.i.t where we throw mermaids and the Loch Ness monster-or at least we did until a few years ago, when a bunch of New Zealand fisherman hauled one into their boat.

The reality It's called the colossal squid. Now, we tend to get a bit unnerved by anything that scientists decide to label colossal colossal, because they're a moderate bunch. In the realm of science, something only gets dubbed as colossal because the textbooks frown on cla.s.sifying animals as being of the genus F**kma.s.sive holys.h.i.tbricks. F**kma.s.sive holys.h.i.tbricks.

And the colossal squid is not just a name: It's a thirty-foot-long flailing engine of nightmares. Scientists excitedly tell us of its oddities, such as tentacles lined with "sharp, swiveling, three-pointed hooks," and how the 1,091-pound specimen on display in New Zealand is thought to be "much smaller than average."

It's not like it's a peaceful behemoth that we're giving a hard time due to its appearance. Comparing the smaller-than-average specimen the fisherman hauled in to the largest squid thought possible prior to 1997, experts from Auckland University of Technology noted, "The Colossal Squid, with the hooks and the beak that it has, not only is colossal in size but is going to be a phenomenal predator," before helpfully clarifying that this made it "something you are not going to want to meet in the water."

So no, ancient mariners weren't just being quaint when they marked the deep sea as "here there be monsters" on their maps; it was just shorter than writing "here there be thirty-foot-tall multilimbed, razor-hooked fury beasts that look like a giant, wet bag of violence, and you should probably just stay home until somebody invents faster boats."

3. IRKUIEM: THE G.o.d-BEAR.

The myth There could be all manner of bizarre creatures living in Siberia, the frigid wilderness that covers 10 percent of the earth's land. Human beings didn't really bother to set up proper civilizations out there. To this day, explorers come back from the Siberian hinterlands with tall tales about giant reptiles, living mammoths, and enough yetis to populate some kind of yeti academy. Mixed in with all that bulls.h.i.t was the G.o.d-bear.

The reality In 1936, a Swedish zoologist named Sten Bergman ventured into Siberia and started to hear stories about so-called monster bears. After Bergman mussed the hair of a few tribal elders while saying, "Sure, buddy. Did he come out from under your bed?" the natives showed him pelts, skulls, and paw prints larger than those of any known bear in the region. That's when science collectively stopped rolling its eyes and making w.a.n.king motions, and began taking the G.o.d-bear seriously.

It just so happens that the villagers' description matched that of an immense prehistoric horror called the short-faced bear (Arctodus simus), one of the largest predatory mammals to ever exist. A Soviet zoologist named Dr. Nikolai Vereshchagin postulated that Arctodus Arctodus, thought extinct for twelve thousand years, was actually alive and well in Siberia.

Other scientists have theorized that the G.o.d-bear is actually a colony of enormous black polar bears that found their way too far south and found the villagers delicious enough to stick around. One way or another, Siberia sounds entirely too much like a frozen version of the island from Lost Lost.

Even if reports of a real, live G.o.d-bear are false, anthropologists agree that they probably didn't die off that that long ago. But why would there still be stories about the creatures if they no longer exist? In most cases, we'd go with "people are full of s.h.i.t," but when you're talking about a giant man-eating bear, we're willing to make allowances for post-traumatic stress disorder so severe it's become hereditary. long ago. But why would there still be stories about the creatures if they no longer exist? In most cases, we'd go with "people are full of s.h.i.t," but when you're talking about a giant man-eating bear, we're willing to make allowances for post-traumatic stress disorder so severe it's become hereditary.

2. BUAJA DARAT: THE LAND CROCODILE.

The myth The East had always been a strange and mysterious place in the eyes of the West, and many tall tales emerged to keep whitey baffled and entertained while he butchered the locals. One of these legends was the Indonesian land crocodile, or buaja darat buaja darat: A fearsome lizard-monster that lived on the nearby islands. The buaja darat buaja darat could eat a man whole if necessary, but even a single bite from the creature was fatal. That's why n.o.body survived to verify accounts firsthand. could eat a man whole if necessary, but even a single bite from the creature was fatal. That's why n.o.body survived to verify accounts firsthand.

But then the tales started to come true: In 1912, a group of fisherman docked on a small Indonesian island called Komodo and came back half-eaten and raving about monsters. After a 1926 expedition by W. Douglas Burden yielded twelve preserved specimens science finally woke up and realized there are actually dragons there are actually dragons. They are a thing that exists. They're just over in Southeast Asia. And they hate you.

The reality The Komodo dragon is not only the largest lizard in the world; it's also one of the few animals that will just up and eat you. We're not talking about incidents born out of self-defense; we're talking about an animal that is a hard-core fan of murder and not such a hard-core fan of your uneaten face.

That stuff about a single bite killing you? The dragon's saliva has venom that will prevent your blood from clotting. Even if you escape, it can just follow you at a leisurely pace, eyeing you with that d.i.c.kish, lizardy expression while you panic and bleed out into delicious human jerky.

The only reason Komodo dragons haven't eaten everyone you care about yet is because there are so few of them, and they all exist on the one island. But then again, we remember a movie about a bunch of giant carnivorous lizards contained on a small island, and that didn't exactly end in hugs and milk shakes.

1. POUAKAI: MAN-EATING EAGLE.

The myth The Maori people of New Zealand are basically a death-metal video in human packaging and have the most hard-core monster legends around. Like Pouakai the bird G.o.d. Or, as we prefer: the giant man-eating eagle (of death). The Maoris have many stories about this sky demon. They say it would perch out of sight of villages and swoop down to pick people off one by one until entire tribes were killed off. It was said that the last thing the victims heard was the deafening beating of its immense wings, possibly followed by whatever sound a skull collapsing makes, and then the mournful drizzle of fear urine. Surely such a monstrosity never existed under the same sun as human beings, for our G.o.d is a kind G.o.d and not p.r.o.ne to creating stealth bombers carved from flesh that think men are delicious, right?

The reality Roughly one hundred thousand years ago, Australia was populated by megafauna, which basically means that all the cute and cuddly animals of today were huge and terrifying. New Zealand, probably overcompensating for millennia of being overshadowed by Australia, had something called Haast's eagle: the largest bird of prey to ever exist.

When human beings finally breezed in from the wider world to find most of New Zealand's megafauna at the sizes we know of today, they were probably pretty stoked to find an island without lions and G.o.d-bears and whatever other ma.s.sive predators thought it was hilarious that these soft pink monkeys tried to run away from them. Boy, were they in for a tragic, terrifying surprise!

Researchers believe Haast's eagle was almost certainly the origin of the Pouakai stories.

So that would mean all the horrifying s.h.i.t that flashed through your imagination a few paragraphs ago-the flapping wings, the fear urine, the entire tribes picked off one by one like slasher-flick victims-that all probably happened.

Although, after a few generations of devouring humans for fun and profit, mankind did finally have the last laugh at Haast's eagle: We drove it to extinction simply by eating everything else around it and then not providing enough nutrition with our doughy little bodies to sustain the notoriously ravenous diet of the bird G.o.ds.