You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News Part 5

The "happy" ending Robin Williams plays the t.i.tular character, an elementary school child trapped in the body of a middle-age man. By the film's end, Jack's formerly intolerant cla.s.smates learn to love and accept him for the horrifying genetic aberration he is.

Wait a minute . . .

All this just makes it even sadder that Jack won't live to see college.

There's a reason why in other "kid becomes an adult" films the transformation is brought on by some fantasy element. In Jack Jack, the main character is instead said to have a rare genetic condition that causes him to age four times faster than normal.

Now, the problem with this is that it strongly resembles an actual medical condition known as progeria. And, sadly, most people afflicted by this disease don't live past age thirteen, as you'd expect for a disease that makes you age really, really fast.

Jack won't get the ending Tom Hanks got in Big Big, where he magically shrinks back into a child and gets to live out his life as the only twelve-year-old who knows how to make love to a grown woman. Jack, meanwhile, will be walking with a cane by high school. The only way he's getting laid is if he lives long enough to see the invention of v.i.a.g.r.a.

2. THE MATRIX TRILOGY.

The "happy" ending Thanks to the triumph of human will and several baffling plot contrivances, Neo sacrifices himself and convinces the machines who are enslaving humanity to not enslave humanity quite so much.

The machines send their Colonel Sanders avatar to announce that any humans who want to be freed from the Matrix will be allowed to do so.

Wait a minute . . .

Hey, remember in the first movie where they said they don't pull adults out of the Matrix? Because finding out that every experience they ever had was false and that the real world is a frozen wasteland destroys their mind?

Well, in this new world the whole "all of society is a computer-generated hoax" thing isn't going to stay a secret for long. How do you think society would react to finding that out? How would major religions react?

Why would anyone go to work after that? How do you think starving third-world nations would regard their machine masters, knowing that their misery is purely the invention of the machines and that the Matrix could have rained food down from the sky any time it wanted?

The world would descend into utter chaos. Luckily, the people can escape the madness anytime they want by exiting the Matrix!

Oh, wait, they can't. In the real world outside the Matrix, the one city where people could live has been devastated by the robot attack, and there is nothing close to enough housing, food, clothing, fresh water, or anything else to accommodate even a small country.

Hey, thanks for waking us up, a.s.shole!

1. TOY STORY 3 TOY STORY 3.

The "happy" ending Woody, Buzz, and most of our favorites from Toy Story 1 Toy Story 1 and and 2 2 narrowly escape a freaky daycare full of creepy, manipulative toys and dangerous, thoughtless brats. Our heroes return home and Andy, before leaving for college, donates the gang to a little girl named Bonnie, ensuring the toys a carefree future of playing with a sweet and lovable girl forever and ever! narrowly escape a freaky daycare full of creepy, manipulative toys and dangerous, thoughtless brats. Our heroes return home and Andy, before leaving for college, donates the gang to a little girl named Bonnie, ensuring the toys a carefree future of playing with a sweet and lovable girl forever and ever!

Wait a minute . . .

Until Bonnie throws them away.

The toys don't age along with their human owners. Sure, Andy was kind enough to donate them to a little girl, but who knows knows what'll happen when she grows up? The best-case scenario is that Bonnie keeps them around long enough for them to watch her die of old age. what'll happen when she grows up? The best-case scenario is that Bonnie keeps them around long enough for them to watch her die of old age.

Of course, unless Bonnie suffers some sort of head trauma, she'll be interested for another few years max. h.e.l.l, Little Bo Peep never even made it to Toy Story 3 Toy Story 3. It's far more likely that they'll eventually wind up at the bottom of a rotting compost heap, sandwiched between an empty pizza box and a copy of a.s.s! a.s.s! Magazine. At least the h.e.l.lish trash incinerator we see in Magazine. At least the h.e.l.lish trash incinerator we see in Toy Story 3 Toy Story 3 offers a quick way out. offers a quick way out.

With a fate like that in store, it's no wonder 90 percent of all fiction involving sentient dolls ends with them trying to kill their owners.

FIVE FAMOUS INVENTORS WHO STOLE THEIR BIG IDEA.

LUCKILY, we slept through high school, but we've got some bad news for those of you unfortunate enough to have stayed awake: Every brilliant inventor you've ever loved is a huge thieving a.s.shole. we slept through high school, but we've got some bad news for those of you unfortunate enough to have stayed awake: Every brilliant inventor you've ever loved is a huge thieving a.s.shole.

5. GALILEO GALILEI.

If you asked the average high schooler what Galileo's lasting contribution to science was, they would most likely reply, "The telescope," before going off to smoke some gra.s.s and listen to Bon Jovi records (hey, we were in high school once too, you know). Well, imaginary high school student, put down that Atari and prepare to have your mind blown: Galileo did not invent the telescope. (Also, if you start Slippery When Wet Slippery When Wet and and The Wizard of Oz The Wizard of Oz at the same time, it sort of looks like the Tin Man is lip-synching for about two seconds of "Livin' on a Prayer.") at the same time, it sort of looks like the Tin Man is lip-synching for about two seconds of "Livin' on a Prayer.") Who actually invented it?

Lots of scientists were looking up at the stars back then, but no one was doing it quite as hard as Dutchman Hans Lippershey. In 1608, Lippershey completed construction of the first telescope and attempted to receive a patent for it but was denied.

A few countries over, when Galileo heard about Lippershey's work in 1609, he quickly built his own telescope, one that could see just a little bit farther than Lippershey's. Necessary? Not particularly. Emasculating? Oh, you betcha. While Galileo never registered a patent, the fact remains that his name is synonymous with telescopes, while Lippershey's name was quickly forgotten.

The lesson, as always, is that having an unwieldy, nonalliterative name that sounds like an STD is never good for your career.

4. ALEXANDER FLEMING.

Sir Alexander Fleming is the name people think of when penicillin is brought up. There's even a charming little story that accompanies it: Fleming's father saved a little boy from drowning in Scotland, and the father of this boy vowed to fund the young Fleming's education to repay the kindness. Eventually, Fleming graduated from med school and discovered the healing nature of penicillin, which eventually saved Winston Churchill's life when he was stricken with pneumonia. And who was the boy that Fleming's father saved? Winston G.o.dd.a.m.ned Churchill.

Two things. One, Churchill wasn't treated with penicillin. Two, Fleming wasn't the guy who discovered it. Just some a.s.shole.

Who actually discovered it?

North African tribesmen had been using penicillin for thousands of years by the time Fleming was born. Also, in 1897 Ernest d.u.c.h.esne used the mold Penicillum glaucoma Penicillum glaucoma to cure typhoid in guinea pigs, which was about the stupidest waste of time in the history of science but still proof that he understood the mold's healing properties. to cure typhoid in guinea pigs, which was about the stupidest waste of time in the history of science but still proof that he understood the mold's healing properties.

Other scientists at the time didn't take him seriously, due to his age and strange preoccupation with guinea pigs, so he never received a patent. He died about ten years later, from a disease that would have been completely treatable with penicillin, and he was survived by his healthy, yet totally indifferent, guinea pigs.

Even when Fleming did accidentally discover penicillin years later, he didn't think it could be used to help anyone, so he moved on. Meanwhile, scientists Howard Florey, Norman Heatley, Andrew Moyer, and Ernst Chain disagreed and worked with penicillin until they'd mastered it.

So even though Fleming wasn't the first person to discover penicillin and didn't actually believe penicillin was useful, he will forever go down in history as a penicillin-inventing, Winston Churchill-saving genius.

3. ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL.

For being the man behind the telephone, Bell sure loved deaf people. His wife was deaf, his mother was deaf, and he was even Helen Keller's favorite teacher. With this near obsession with deaf people, it's amazing that Bell found time to invent the telephone. Wait, not amazing amazing. Impossible Impossible. That's the one.

Who actually invented it?

In 1860, an Italian named Antonio Meucci first demonstrated his working telephone (though he called it the teletrofono teletrofono, because Italian is a ridiculous language). In 1871, he filed a temporary patent, but in 1874 he failed to send in the ten dollars necessary to renew his patent, because he was sick, poor, and Italian.

Two years later, Bell registered his telephone patent. Meucci attempted to sue, of course, but when he tried to retrieve the original sketches and plans he sent to a lab at Western Union, the records, amazingly, had disappeared. Where was Bell working at this time? The very same Western Union lab where Meucci swore he sent his original sketches.

Did Bell, given his convenient position at Western Union, destroy Meucci's records and claim the telephone as his own invention? It's difficult to say, though it has been argued fairly convincingly that, yes, of course he did. Absolutely. Most notably, by us just now. It makes sense, if you look at the facts: Bell already had a number of important inventions under his belt; it isn't unreasonable to a.s.sume that he got greedy and didn't want to see anyone else succeed. Further, who is Bell even calling? His deaf wife and mother? Bulls.h.i.t.

2. ALBERT EINSTEIN.

When you hear the name Einstein, you undoubtedly think, "He discovered relativity," or "He came up with that E = mc2 equation," or "He was a s.e.x maniac." Only one of those things is true. (It's the s.e.x maniac part.) equation," or "He was a s.e.x maniac." Only one of those things is true. (It's the s.e.x maniac part.) Who actually invented it?

Henri Poincare was the foremost expert on relativity in the late nineteenth century, having published thirty respected books and over five hundred papers on the subject, which is strange, because Einstein's famous On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies, which contains his theories on relativity, doesn't mention Poincare once. As a matter of fact, Einstein does not reference, footnote, or cite a single G.o.dd.a.m.n source in his entire paper.

We don't want to jump to any conclusions. Maybe Einstein's paper didn't contain any sources because he was so smart he didn't need any other current physics texts. But according to Peter Galison's Einstein's Clocks, Poincare's Maps: Empires of Time Einstein's Clocks, Poincare's Maps: Empires of Time, Einstein and a small group of his fellow nerdlings had a group called the Olympia Academy, which would regularly gather to discuss their own works as well as the works of current scientists. The book goes on to mention specifically how Poincare was one of the scientists who Einstein and his battalion of nerds discussed.

Shoots that whole "maybe Einstein didn't read any other papers" theory right to s.h.i.t, doesn't it? It's interesting that Einstein sat studying and discussing the work of Poincare for years, published a book that featured a theory that was startlingly similar to Poincare's, and then didn't reference Poincare once in his book. Wait, that isn't interesting; it's total bulls.h.i.t. Good luck s.e.xing your way out of this one, Einstein.

1. THOMAS EDISON.

Edison has been described as one of the "world's most prolific inventors," with 1,093 patents to his name. You know, a guy could round up and kidnap a s.h.i.tload of children and keep them forever, but would you call that guy the "world's most prolific father"? No, of course not. A "soulless monster," maybe. A "skilled thief," if you're being generous, but you wouldn't call that guy "the world's most prolific father," because those aren't his kids. He stole them. Such is the case with Thomas Edison.

Edison is celebrated in schools across the country for inventing the lightbulb, the motion picture, electricity, and a bunch of other important c.r.a.p he had very little to do with, and while all of those claims are spurious, we're just going to focus on the lightbulb today (we've only got 320 pages, you understand).

Who actually invented it?

Plenty of people messed around with the idea of the lightbulb (Jean Foucault, Humphry Davy, J. W. Starr, some other guys you'll never read about in school), but Heinrich Gobel was likely the first person to have actually created, back in 1854, a version of the lightbulb that resembled the one we have today. He tried selling it to Edison, who saw no practical use in it and refused. Soon after Gobel died, Edison bought Gobel's "meritless" patent off Gobel's impoverished widow at a cost much lower than its worth.

s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g over just one inventor might be all right for Galileo, but Edison was a dreamer. A year before Edison "invented" his lightbulb, Joseph Wilson Swan developed and patented a better bulb. When it became clear Edison's "this guy Swan's a lying a.s.shole" defense wouldn't hold up in court, he made Swan a partner, forming the Edison & Swan United Electric Light Company (known as Ediswan), effectively buying Swan.

Thomas Edison: Father of the G.o.dd.a.m.ned lightbulb.

Edison then used his incredible wealth to buy out Swan completely, leaving all records of the lightbulb under the care of the Edison Electric Light Company. Sure, Swan got rich in the end, but Edison purchased the right to claim he invented the lightbulb. Of course, there's a whole laundry list of inventors Edison stepped on, bullied, exploited, or convinced to name their price. But what do textbooks say about him?

THE FIVE MOST FREQUENTLY QUOTED BULLs.h.i.t STATISTICS.

EVERY once in a while, we hear a statistic so startling we can't believe it's true. Our first impulse is to repeat it, because knowing interesting things tends to make people like us better. That's why facts tend to survive based on how interesting they are, rather than whether they're true. once in a while, we hear a statistic so startling we can't believe it's true. Our first impulse is to repeat it, because knowing interesting things tends to make people like us better. That's why facts tend to survive based on how interesting they are, rather than whether they're true.

The five most quoted "too awesome to be true" stats that are as fake as they sound: 5. YOU ONLY USE 10 PERCENT OF YOUR BRAIN.

You've heard it since you were a child: We only use 10 percent of our brain. Just think what we'd be capable of if we could tap into the rest! It's appealing because it means that if we worked hard enough, we'd be able to set fires with the power of our minds.

Why is it a load of c.r.a.p?

The parts of the brain are specialized, so trying to use all of it at once isn't going to make you smarter, just more confused. That's like trying to become a better writer by using every key on your keyboard all at once.

A series of neurologists over the past few hundred years figured out that a human can survive when parts of the brain are removed, which over time was misinterpreted to mean that the brain uses little of its potential, and the 10 percent statistic was born.

Who was fooled?

Not only do people still believe it, in 2006 Psychology Today Psychology Today even ran an article on how to access the lazy 90 percent of your gray matter. even ran an article on how to access the lazy 90 percent of your gray matter.

One of the tips was to replenish the brain with nutrients, but we're a.s.suming we get plenty with all the spiders we're eating every night. Oh, you didn't know?

4. YOU ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOW APPROXIMATELY EIGHT SPIDERS A YEAR.

This commonly believed statistic has been fed to us by countless Internet chain emails: When you sleep, you open your mouth to breathe and supposedly this is the ideal window of opportunity for all the spiders who hang out near your bed, hoping to be eaten alive.

Why is it a load of c.r.a.p?

Back in 1993, PC Professional PC Professional columnist Lisa Holst decided to prove that you could make up anything on the Internet and people would believe it. columnist Lisa Holst decided to prove that you could make up anything on the Internet and people would believe it.

She did this by putting together some utterly ridiculous "facts," the spider myth (taken from a collection of insect folklore that dates back to the 1950s) among them, and unleashing them on the world in the form of an email.

As Holst's email was forwarded from inbox to inbox, it began to evolve. The spider thing stayed, but somewhere along the line someone just "happened" to forget to include the fact that these facts were completely fake.

Who was fooled?

In 2006, the UK's Daily Mirror Daily Mirror warned that "the average person will swallow anything from eight to 20 spiders before they die." warned that "the average person will swallow anything from eight to 20 spiders before they die."

The Mirror Mirror then upped the ante by adding, "A spider is also likely to drink from your eye at least then upped the ante by adding, "A spider is also likely to drink from your eye at least three three times in your life. Some experts have suggested they are attracted by the vibrations of snoring and the smell of undigested food-a good reason to floss your teeth before bedtime." times in your life. Some experts have suggested they are attracted by the vibrations of snoring and the smell of undigested food-a good reason to floss your teeth before bedtime."

Really, is that what it takes to get the UK to worry about dental hygiene?

3. MEN THINK ABOUT s.e.x EVERY SIX SECONDS.

As we all know, men do nothing but think about s.e.x with their girlfriend or ex-girlfriend or friend who happens to be a girl/friend's sister. It follows, then, that on average men think about s.e.x every six seconds, right?

Why is it a load of c.r.a.p?

Hey, fellas, when you were reading the spider-eating segment, did you think about s.e.x? Were you imagining a ma.s.sive spider orgy? If so, you're alone (obviously). According to the Kinsey Inst.i.tute, close to half of the men they surveyed said they don't even think about s.e.x every day, let alone every six seconds. Even if men did think about s.e.x that frequently, how would they be able to break it down to such a precise rate of perversion? Hook electrodes up to some dude's head and count how many times the s.e.x lobe lights up in a week?

Who was fooled?

About half of us believe this fact, according to a 2007 poll conducted by mencanstoprape.org. It seems like common sense would have squashed this one even before it got started. Let's say you watched a four-hour marathon of Matlock Matlock, a show during which it is physically impossible to think about s.e.x. To make up that average later, you'd have to think about s.e.x every, what, two seconds? So for the rest of the day your brain would just turn into a spinning kaleidoscope of t.i.tty.

2. AFTER EATING YOU MUST WAIT THIRTY MINUTES BEFORE SWIMMING.

For some families, the harsher "hour" rule was used. If you broke the rule, the fear was that you would get cramps, drown, and die. This statistic is apparently based on the a.s.sumption that water-to-skin contact will cause the food in your belly to explode.

Why is it a load of c.r.a.p?

Because you're not a gremlin. As you may have already guessed, water does not bear properties that form a food-related cramp of death. Getting into the water after eating will have no more effect on your body than going for a walk.

This one's just an old wives' tale that slowly became popular over time. Supposedly, your stomach is using oxygen to digest food that your muscles need to swim. In actuality, the amount of oxygen your body needs to swim is more than satisfied, whether or not you've eaten.

Who was fooled?

Plenty of books and websites offer swimming tips that still buy into the thirty-minute rule. Go to any pool party with children, and we guarantee you'll hear someone's mother squawking about it.

1. CHRISTMAS CAUSES SUICIDE.

It might be true that Christmas has become commercialized, but people generally seem to enjoy it. Aside from the stress, family you hate, travel, and the junk lying around the house, of course. And the music.

When we hear that suicide rates jump during the holidays, it's easy to believe. Especially if you've ever spent a Christmas drunk and alone, eyes tearing as you sat in your apartment watching your favorite Christmas movie from childhood (Die Hard).

Why is it a load of c.r.a.p?

According to Canada's Centre for Suicide Prevention, the suicide rate actually goes down significantly around the holidays.

While it's depressing as h.e.l.l to be alone on Christmas, the truth is that most of us aren't. It's hard to commit suicide when there are people around constantly trying to get you to wear ugly sweaters. Depressed or not, most people aren't big enough d.i.c.ks to let the kiddies find them hanging over the Christmas tree with a note pinned to their chest.

Who was fooled?

Just about every newspaper in the country tends to climb on board. In 1999, a press release was issued to major newspapers warning against reporting the myth. During the holidays that same year, the Annenberg Public Policy Center found that two-thirds of newspaper articles mentioning the word suicide suicide cited the mythical stat. cited the mythical stat.