You Live Once Part 29

"It isn't you. I just want that way of living back. I just want to be like that again, only this time with children.

I'm sorry, Clint."

"Don't be sorry."

"You wouldn't try it, would you?"

"I'm sorry."

She took her hand away. I stood up and said goodby to her. She didn't move or answer or look at me. I let myself out. Just as I reached my car, Kruslov drove in. He and another man started toward the house. I cut over and intercepted them.

"Now what?" Kruslov asked. He looked square and dull and tired.

"Now I want to know how proud you are, Kruslov. I want to know how big a charge you got out of slapping me around."

He eyed me coldly.

"Want an apology?"

"You might try one for size."

"Never, you d.a.m.n fool. You found a body and moved it. What the h.e.l.l right has a civilian like you got meddling in police work? You complicate my job, mess up the evidence, shoot off your mouth and then come prancing around looking for an apology. There's statutes that cover what you did, and if I get too d.a.m.n annoyed at you I may see if I can make some of them stick. Now get the h.e.l.l out of my way."

I got out of his way before he bounced me out of his way with a heavy shoulder. He went on into the house. I felt like a spanked child. I got into my Merc and drove away.

I had won my argument with Toni and moved some of my stuff into a second cla.s.s hotel room. I won it by telling her that if I knew C.P.P." I wouldn't remain in my job for more than another few days. We had taken a bag of cheese and liverwurst sandwiches and a cold six-pack of beer far into the country. Before we left, I had brushed off two reporters with more dispatch than finesse.

From the gra.s.sy bank we could toss crumbs into the river. Minnows struck the crumbs ferociously. I lay back and her slack-clad thigh fitted the nape of my neck as though designed for that special purpose.

"Stop frowning," she said softly.

"Can't help it."

"It's all over now."

"A cold guy, Toni. A type who figured all the angles. A ruthless guy. Could he kill? Yes, if it would give him a big gain, and if he was logically certain he could get away with it. Would he kill himself? Perhaps, if he was aware that he would be caught. So how does it fit? Not at all. No gain in Mary's death. And he wasn't about to be caught."

"In the immortal words of the hard, leave it lay."

"Can't."

"Maybe it's all different than it looks, Clint dear. So what? We're out of it. You don't owe anybody anything.

Now we just think of us."

"Female reasoning. Ten thousand years ago you'd have your own lady-weight club leaning against the cave wall, just inside the door. And uninvited guests-boom."

"And ten thousand years ago you'd be seeing how close you could get to a saber-toothed tiger. Hah! Male reasoning."

"But I can't let go of it, girl. The package is too neatly wrapped. The string is too carefully tied. Maybe too carefully tied around Dodd's throat."

"Don't!"

"I'm not in love with his memory. I've got no yen to vindicate him. Good sense says to do as you suggest.

Leave it lay. And spend a lot of the tag ends of the hours of my life wondering."

She ran a gentle thumb along one of my eyebrows and then the other. She sighed heavily.

"Meddler."

"I know."

"Big fool."

"I know that too."

"If you gotta, you gotta."

"Mmmm. You are a special deal, Mac Rae

"The large economy size deal."

"Three dimensional, color, bite-sized, built-in flavor."

We kissed until the river ran uphill. The minnows goggled at us. All the trees applauded, and a brown and white cow strolled down to the river edge to watch with benign gravity. We gave her a spare sandwich. She ate it with the dignity of a baroness. Then we went back to the car. She took hold of my arm. Her fingers bit in. Her dark eyes spot welded my soul.

"Be careful," she said.

Yes, I would be careful. But it was something I had to do. I had to know. They had changed me-Kruslov and his hands, the damp cell, the dead girl. Before I had changed I could have said that it was none of my business. But I had changed and become more involved with life. As with John Donne and his talk of no man being an island.

Death had come very close to me, black gauze wings grazing my face. I could not tell myself it was all over.

Not while I had these nagging doubts. I could not let Dodd Raymond be buried with that mark on him.

And I would be careful. Because afterward, there would be Toni.

Chapter 10.

There are few places where a man can dirty his hands with the dust of the past. After I left Toni off-a rather disconsolate but understanding girl-I went to the Warren Public Library. It was the same vintage as the police station.

The young lady who came to my a.s.sistance wore a white angora sweater that struggled to contain two of the most enormously unreal b.r.e.a.s.t.s I have ever seen. She marched trimly behind them, using them as weapons of offense. I wondered how anybody ever remembered what question they had come to ask. They had a life of their own-mammalian, incredible-objects far beyond the realm of desire, creating only awe and consternation.

I managed to stammer my question about old records and newspapers. She pointed toward a side stairway with those b.r.e.a.s.t.s and said that they had booths up there and micro-film projectors and a girl who would help me. I went up the stairway.

The upstairs girl was of different construction. Between the two of them they had two sets of normal equipment. She explained the setup to me and told me that if I knew what I wanted, she would get the rolls and I could sign for them. I told her I didn't know what I wanted. I told her I wanted to see any rolls a Mr. Dodd Raymond had looked at yesterday afternoon. She became skeptical and uncooperative. She had heard about Mr. Raymond and had recognized the name at once. I confessed that I was not with the police. Finally she allowed as how she could look at the records and tell me. She came back from her desk in a few minutes and, with a relieved icy smile, told me that Mr. Raymond had not signed for anything. It was what I expected. Miss Ice kept her domain spotless.