Yorkshire Tales Volume III Part 13

"If aw wor a Woman."

"If aw wor a woman awd----"

"If tha wor a woman tha'd be a disgrace to ivverybody belangin to thi, an thar't little else nah," sed Mally.

"Aw wor gooin to remark, 'at if aw wor a woman----"

"Eah! but tha arn't a woman, an if tha wor tha'd wish thisen a man agean, varry sharply. But if aw wor a man awd set a different example to what tha does. Aw wonder sometimes what thar't thinkin on, if tha ivver does think, which awm inclined to daat, unless its thinkin ha tha can contrive to be awkard an aggravatin."

"Well, but as aw wor gooin to say, If aw wor a----"

"Aw dooant want to hear owt tha has to say abaat it. A fine woman tha'd mak! But aw wish tha wor foorced to swap places wi me for a wick. Aw should like to see ha tha'd fancy gettin up befoor dayleet ov a Mondy mornin an start o' sich a weshin o' clooas as aw have to face ivvery wick; to say nowt abaat starchin an manglin an ironin. An then to start an brew a barrel o' ale for other fowk to sup; an then to bake for sich a family as we've getten,--nivver to mention makkin th' beds an cleanin th' hearthstun,--an' th' meals to get ready, an then to cleean th' haase throo top to bottom ivvery wick,--an darn th' stockins an put a claat on here an a patch on thear, an fifty moor things beside,--an nivver get a word o' thanks for it. Aw just wish tha wor a woman for an odd wick. Aw do, truly."

"As aw sed befoor, If aw wor a----"

"Awm capt tha hasn't moor sense nor to keep tawkin sich foolishness. Tha knows tha arn't a woman an tha nivver can be,--moor's pity. But if aw wor a man awd awther tawk sense or keep mi maath shut. Aw think sometimes 'at summat 'll happen to thi as a judgment for bein sich an ungrateful tyke as tha art. Tha gets up in a mornin an finds thi braikfast ready, an if ther's owt i'th haase at's nice an tasty tha gets it; an then tha walks aght to what tha calls thi wark, an comes to thi dinner, an off agean wol drinkin time, an after that tha awther gooas an caars i' some Jerryhoil, or else tha sits rockin thisen i'th front o'th fair, smokin thi bacca an enjoyin thisen wol bedtime. Ther's some fowk dooant know when they're weel done to. But aw know who it is 'at has to tew an slave all th' day, wi hardly a chonce to wipe th' sweeat off mi face."

"But, if tha'll lissen, aw wor gooin to remark, If aw wor----"

"Tha maks a deeal too monny remarks. Tha'll sit thear, remarkin an praichin bi th' haar together, an nivver give me a chonce to get in a word edgeways. But awm just sick an stall'd o' harkenin to thi. They wor a time, years sin nah,--but aw can remember it tho' tha's forgetten it,--when tha used to sit an lissen to owt aw had to say, an my word wor law then. An if mi little finger warked tha'd hardly be able to sleep ov a neet for trubblin abaat it. But it's different nah. Aw dooant believe it ud disturb thi if mi heead had to tummel off mi shoolders. Aw've studden a gooid deeal sin aw wor wed to thee, an aw expect aw'st ha to stand a lot moor; but one thing aw willn't put up wi, an that is, sittin an listenin to thee, an havin to keep mi tongue still. Soa tha knows."

"Well, but if aw wor----"

"Nah, let it stop just whear it is. Tha's getten a tawkin fit on aw know,--aw wonder thi jaws dooant wark. But aw willn't hear another word!

Noa, net a word!"

"But if----"

"Ther's noa 'buts' abaat it! Hold thi noise, do! Tha'd tawk a hen an chickens to deeath. Tha wod. Aw wonder if aw shall ivver have a bit o'

peace?--Net befoor awm laid low, aw reckon."

Sammywell's Soft Snap.

"What wor yond clatter, Mally? Has somdy been smashin summat?"

"Nowt 'at meeans mich. It wor a accident an couldn't be helpt."

"Well, what wor it? Can't ta spaik?"

"It's nowt at's owt to do wi thee, soa tha needn't let it bother thi heead; but if tha'rt soa crazy to know aw can tell thi.--It's awr Hepsabah's Jerrymiah at's brokken th' winder i'th weshus. Nah, arta satisfied?"

"Satisfied! Now! Satisfied bi gum! Does ta think aw've nowt else to do wi mi bra.s.s but to buy winders for Jerrymiah to smash? Ha is it awr Hepsabah can't keep her childer at hooam? When we'd childer we nivver sent em raand to ther gronfather's to smash winders! An if aw catch hold o' that young taistrel aw'll tak th' skin off him!"

"Hold thi din, gert softheead! Onnybody to hear thi tawk, 'ud think tha'd gooan cleean wrang i' thi heead! Bless mi life! tha dosn't think 'at th' child did it on purpose, does ta? He wor n.o.bbut tryin his best to catch a blue-bottle-fly, an it went into th' winder whear be couldn't raik it, soa he sammed up a teacup an flang it at it,--nivver thinkin owt abaat th' winder, becoss he knew ha tha hated sich things buzzin abaat thi heead; but whativver that child does it seems to be wrang.

Aw'd be shamed o' misen to start grumblin abaat a bit ov a tupny-hawpny winder!"

"Tupny-hawpny winder! Why, it'll cost a shillin to get that winder put in! An what abaat th' teahcup?"

"Oh, that's nowt. It wor n.o.bbut an owd crackt en. Awd meant throwin it away monny a wick sin. Th' child wor sadly trubbled when he saw what he'd done, for he wor feeard tha'd be cross wi him, but aw tell'd him to whisht, for tha wornt to a winder or two, soa tha can give him a hawpny for spice, (tha knows he thinks a deeal moor on it when it comes throo thee,) an tha can call at glazers shop an tell em to send a chap up to put another pane in, an here's sixpence for thisen, sithee, for aw know thi bacca's ommost done."

"That's all reight. Ov cooa.r.s.e th' child didn't meean to braik th'

winder, nor the teacup nawther,--but he owt to be towt different; an aw dooant believe awr Hepsabah knows owt abaat trainin childer as they owt to be trained. But aw'st send noa chap up here to put that winder in.

Aw've getten nowt else to do an aw meean to put that in misen. Aw can buy a square o' gla.s.s that size, for abaat thrippence, an better gla.s.s nor that wor too. But, Mally, nah this is a bargain;--If aw get th'

gla.s.s an th' putty, and put it in, tha gies me th' shillin th' same as tha'd gie it onnybody else."

"Tha can have th' shillin! Aw'm nooan grumblin abaat th' shillin,--but aw connot see wot tha wants wi soa mich bra.s.s day after day. Ther's hardly ivver a day pa.s.ses ovver thi heead 'at tha dosen't ax me for awther sixpince or a shillin, an awm sewer ther's all tha needs to ait an drink at hooam, an tha's as gooid clooas to don as onny man need wish,--an n.o.bbut th' last Sundy, tha axt me for sixpince for th'

collection, an tha n.o.bbut put in a hawpny, for aw wor watchin thi.--A'a, well! but hasumivver, here's another shillin, soa if tha thinks tha can put it in, goa an get a square a gla.s.s an ha dun wi it."

"'Think aw can put it in?' Aw dooant think owt abaat it! Aw know aw can put it in! What does ta tak me for? Does ta think aw havn't th' strength an brains enuff to wrastle wi' a bit o' gla.s.s like that?"

"Tha's wrastled wi too monny gla.s.ses, Sammywell, sin aw knew thi, an they've getten thi daan moor noa once. It's gettin lat i'th' day, nah, to expect thi to mend mich, but if tha'd n.o.bbut sign teetotal an join th' chapel, an buy Jerrymier a new Sundy suit, aw think aw mun see summat to admire in thi even yet."

"Ther's as mich to admire abaat me as ther is abaat some other fowk aw could mention, but aw'll bi off just nah, for when aw've a job to do aw want to get it done, an net stand hummin an haain abaat it like thee."

"Nah, Mally la.s.s. If awd had as mich sense when aw wor young as aw have nah, we'st ha been ridin in us carriage. Sithee--aw've n.o.bbut gien thrippence for this gla.s.s an aw've getten putty for nowt an when that winder's mended it'll be better nor new an ninepence saved, soa tha sees we'st be soa mich i' pocket."

"Then that's ninepence tha'd nivver ha saved if it hadn't ha been for Jerrymier, soa tha connot say he's gooid for nowt onny moor."

"Ger aght o' mi gate, an lets do summat. Bring me a cheer to stand on an a knife an a hammer an a chissel an aw'll show thi ha to put a winder in, in abaat two or three ticktacks. This is what aw call a soft snap.

Ninepence,--that's threepenoths for abaat three minnits wark. Nah, thee stand thear an steady th' cheer. Here gooas!---- Aw wonder what dang'd sooart o' putty that lumpheead used 'at put this winder in. It's as hard as iron--Jer-rer-ruselem!"

"What's to do, Sammywell? Has ta takken th' skin off?"

"Skin off! Oooo! Aw've ommost takken mi finger off! Get us some claat an a length o' threed to lap it up. If aw knew th' chap 'at put that winder in, he'd nivver put another in."

"Ther nah,--be moor careful,--it mud ha been war,--but tha sees that's what comes ov a chap startin to do summat 'at he doesn't understand."

"Understand! What the d.i.c.kens is ther to understand abaat puttin a winder in? It's nooan puttin a winder in at's trubble! it's gettin this dang'd owd gla.s.s aght 'at tother chap put in. But awm nooan gooin to be likt bi a winder. Stick fast to that cheer. One,--two,--three----"

"Nah, tha's done it! Tha's gooan an brokken another pane! Ah knew tha'd mak a mullock on it when tha started!"

"Did ta! Well, aw'll mak a mullock o' thee i' two minnits if tha doesn't shut up! Tha sees awm dooin mi best to try to save a penny or two an tha does nowt but try to aggravate me. Braikin another pane doesn't amaant to mich;--they're n.o.bbut thrippence a piece; aw think th' best plan 'll be to tak th' sash aght an put it on th' table, an then it'll be easier to get at. What says ta!"

"Do as tha likes, but aw think tha'd better let a chap come an put em in an ha done wi' it."

"If aw connot put a winder in we'll do baat. Nah, tha'll see it's just as simple as suckin spice, nah 'at aw've getten it whear aw can get to it. A'a, ther's noa wonder 'at them glazeners gettin rich! Chargin a shillin for a bit ov a job like this. Awm moor nor hawf inclined to goa into this trade, as old as aw am. Nah, tha sees, that's all ready for puttin th' gla.s.s in. Umph!--th' chap 'at cut this must ha been cross ee'd. Well, nivverheed,--aw guess aw can just squ-e-e-e-e-ze it in--.

Dang it! it's allus alike! If awd ha cut that gla.s.s misen it ud ha just been reight. Nah it's crackt reight across! But it'll ha to do,--crackt or net crackt! Consarn it! aw dooant see what fowk want wi winders in a wesh haase! awm i' two minds to board th' hoil up an let em wesh i'th dark. Hasumivver, that's nooan sich a bad job if it'll n.o.bbut stick. If aw hadn't brokken this tother pane aw'st had done nah. Nah, Mally, la.s.s, aw'st want another shillin for this tother winder."

"Tha'll get noa moor aght o' me. Tha mun buy another square aght o' thi ninepence tha's saved."