Worst Person Ever Part 33

A woman's voice. "Raymond!" she called again.

"Yes?"

From behind a coconut shrub emerged Sarah-Sarah! "Raymond, are you alone?"

I looked around me. "Ummm, yes. Yes, I am."

She grabbed hold of me and gave me a ma.s.sive, tongue-filled kiss. When she pulled away, she looked me deeply in the eyes and said, "I've got it all figured out."

"What?"

"Our plan."

"Our plan?"

"Yes, you silly goose, our plan."

Our plan?

Skyrockets!

Roman candles!

Confetti!

Lots of people in ethnic garb dancing!

c.u.mshot compilations!

So this was what love felt like. Nothing else felt like it. Nothing. Not even the week-long c.o.ke binge Fi and I did at some record producer's compound in Honduras.

There, on that lonely path in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Sarah could have commanded me to die on a battlefield, but such is love: Sarah's wish was my command.

"I've got a Zodiac," she said, "and enough Spam to last us a year."

I was speechless.

"I've also brought along ten hot pieces of swimwear and my entire lingerie collection."

All I could muster was a noise like randomly typed letters on a keyboard: "Bfnlhfliahelf fhslfv dsfhelfel."

"Oh, you silly thing. Let's hurry. The others will figure this out soon enough. The boat's down here." She pulled me towards a path that led in a different direction from where Neal and I had our Zodiac stashed. So this was the moment of choice; one of life's literal forks in the road.

"Raymond?"

"Nvnd phwqpg pgeh eljfdl."

"You feel for me the way I feel for you, Raymond, right?"

"Mfbrigueobf." I slowed down a little and managed, "Of course."

"Then let your heart be your guide."

I followed her down her path, my pulse beating so forcefully that my head felt like a tom-tom. When we reached the water, Sarah said, "Think of it as The Love Boat, Raymond-just you and me."

There was precious little Spam in the boat. "Are you sure this is enough for a year, Sarah?"

She was undoing some ropes. "You silly! This is but a fraction of it. I've been stockpiling our island hideaway all week. It's like a supermarket. You'll see."

I was just about to hop in when I heard, "Goodbye, then, Raymond."

Neal's voice. I froze.

"Don't worry, Ray. I'm not going to stop you."

"It's not what it looks like, Neal."

"Raymond, I'm on your side here."

"Meaning?"

"I want you to be happy with Sarah."

"What about Fiona and my ..." The word did not come naturally to me. "... kids?"

"Fi's p.i.s.sed off, but she'll survive. She has to keep her language clean because of the wee ones. It's funny, actually."

I was once again speechless.

"Before you go, I want to give you two things, Ray."

I was feeling a bit wary now.

"First of all, the Cure T-shirt." He pulled it over his head and held it out. "You deserve it. Not just because you found it to begin with, making it technically yours, but because you have my respect, Ray. This is my way of showing it."

"I-I have your respect?"

"Yes, you do. And here's one more thing." He reached into his pocket and removed something red. The piece of red plastic. "It wasn't really stuck up my a.r.s.e all week. I've been carving it into a gift I wanted you to have for rescuing me and giving me one of the most exciting lives a man can lead." He handed it over. G.o.d bless him. From the piece of red plastic, he'd carved me my own knoon.

A knoon (the "k" is silent) is a hybrid form of cutlery that combines the cutting capability of a knife with the containment capability of a spoon in a single powerful utensil. The word "knoon" is a portmanteau of "knife" and "spoon." Typically, one or both of the outer edges of the spoon-like utensil are sharpened to allow the user to cut food.

54.

Dawn was rising as Sarah and I pulled the boat into a tiny cove protected by a sandbar. Pa.s.sing by, you'd never know the island was there; a genius location, lost to the world. I saw a thousand minnows in the water as we pulled up on the white coral sand beach. Sarah tied the boat to some sort of gnarled salt.w.a.ter tree thingy and said, "Come here, Raymond-let me show you our new home."

She held my hand and we walked through flowers and coconut shrubs and came to a sensational ultra-high-tech tent like the kind you'd use on the moon.

"It's f.u.c.king beautiful," I said.

"Isn't it? And out back ..." Holding my hand, she brought me around behind the tent, where three sub-tents were set up. "We have Spam, water, fuel and every other sort of supply you can imagine."

"Sarah, I am in awe. How did you manage to get all this out here?"

"You've noticed I've not been around much the past few days, right?"

"Well, yes. But I thought it was just that you and Stuart were s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g each other's brains ... I mean, that you were having private time together."

"Nonsense. Stuart's a workaholic. But because he's high enough up the food chain, n.o.body questions me about anything, so I can do whatever I want. Now let's go and ..." She became coy and took my hand, and we scampered to some blankets spread before a fire that was ready to light. There was a silver bucket with a bottle of bubbly and some fresh fruit and cheeses. She knelt and put a match to the kindling. Whoosh.

"Sarah, this is heaven!"

"I'm so glad we're finally together. Since the moment we met, I've been dreaming of this." She pulled me down onto the blankets, and we began to make out like teenagers. And sometime during all this foreplay, a little voice ran through my mind-it was my voice, of course, but one I don't use too often. It was my nice voice, and it said, Well, Raymond, good things come to all good people who wait. You've got your Cure T-shirt and a custom-carved red plastic knoon. You've got a year's supply of Spam and booze, and you've got Sarah. Life doesn't get better than this, Ray, it really doesn't-so enjoy it all!

I was enjoying it, by G.o.d, and we finally got down to the real business there on the blankets. Sarah's singlet was gone and then her bikini top and then her pants. I could barely keep myself together.

Wait-was I hallucinating?

Wait-what the h.e.l.l?

Wait-what the f.u.c.k?

I jumped back about five feet, and a pickaxe of pain dug into my forehead and skull. I felt like I was burning up. Sarah looked at me, giggled and said, "Now, Raymond, are you telling me that n.o.body told you ... that you didn't know?"

"I ... I ... I ..."

"Oh, Raymond, this is truly, truly funny. You mean you really didn't know that I'm a man?"

55.

"I figured you'd probably be out here."

"Yes, well, whatever."

Fiona was in the Zodiac on the foaming sea, along with Kyle and Emma, both of whom were delighted to find me perched on a coral cl.u.s.ter on the north side of Sarah's island. The kids obviously had no clue of what had happened to me and, with Fiona in charge, most likely never would.

Emma shouted, "Come for a ride, Dad! It's so much fun!"

Kyle added, "We've seen a barracuda and everything."

Fi looked at me pointedly. "Seen any barracudas lately, Raymond?"

"Fu-ha, ha, ha."

"I've made sandwiches," Emma cajoled. "And we have some delicious lemonade. It's a sea picnic. Climb in, Dad."

"You may as well get in the boat, Raymond," Fiona offered.

Bloated hag. "Well, okay."

I climbed in and Kyle asked, "What's that amulet you have around your neck?" He was referring to the knoon, which I had made into an amulet with a piece of nylon netting I found snagged on the coral. "Can I see it?"

I handed it to Kyle. Meanwhile, Fiona was her usual bullying self. "Raymond, you take that Cure T-shirt off right now and put it on top of your head. Your scalp's so red you look like a preemie baby."

"Okay, okay. Probably not a bad idea, even if it does make me look like a Gumby."

"What's a Gumby?" asked Emma.

"Just a character from an old TV show, sweetie," said Fi. "But don't worry, you'll never have to watch it, or any other TV show, because TV is c.r.a.p and the people in it are dreadful and I will work myself to the bone to ensure that both you and Kyle find careers as far away from TV as is possible within the constraints of civilization."

"Okay, Mum, sounds reasonable."

"Speaking of civilization, Raymond," said Fi, "you'll be happy to hear the nuclear crisis is over."

"It is?"

"And not one city blown up in the end."

"Great." I couldn't find the energy to muster any vitriol for my idiot species.

Emma piped up, "Shall we have some sandwiches now, Mum?"

"Excellent idea, Emma. Get them out of the cooler."

Emma opened the cooler, removed the sandwiches and let out a small gasp.

"What is it, Emma?"

"Oh, Mum. I forgot to cut the crusts off. I'm terribly, terribly sorry."

"No problem, sweetie. Hand them to your father. Kyle, give your father back the red spoony-knifey thingy."

"Yes, Mum."