Worst Person Ever Part 12

After we landed, we taxied to a disintegrating concrete building under a glorious full moon. We popped open the cabin door-ahhhh, the woosh of tropical air, so fresh and good for the soul. As Neal and I inhaled this salty Micronesian syrup, a military Jeep roared up to the plane and slammed on the brakes. Two MPs hopped out, bounded up the stairway and yanked me to the ground, where they slapped me in handcuffs. This was getting all too familiar.

Neal shouted, "You should have lowered your blind, Ray. You don't want to mess with these folks."

While I was being brutally thrown snout first into the Jeep's back seat, its driver carried a plastic shopping bag over to Neal and Elspeth. He removed fragrant jasmine leis from it, draped them over their heads and said, "Welcome to Wake Island."

Another Jeep pulled up. Although my head was upside down and a seatbelt buckle was digging into my right nostril, there was no ambiguity about the ident.i.ty of this new arrival.

"Mr. Gunt," said Mrs. Peggy Nielson of Kendallville, Indiana, who was now wearing a lieutenant's uniform. "Maybe next time you'll lower your blinds."

2. t r y a n d m a k e m e l o w e r m y b l i n d s y o u f. .u. .c. .k i n g a m e r i c a n c u n t s

19.

Okay. We're all adults here, and we've all been in situations beyond our control. h.e.l.l, it's what gives life its spice: you miss a bus, the hot water stops working, a 767 slams into your office tower. When things go sideways, I try to make lemonade out of lemons, as it were. So from my awkward face-into-the-upholstery enforced yoga position in the rear seat, I greeted Mrs. Nielson civilly as she stood outside the Jeep. "Oh. h.e.l.lo, Peggy."

"h.e.l.lo, Raymond. Here I'm addressed as Lieutenant Healey, Jennifer Healey."

"How surprising."

"Was it really so hard for you to lower your blind before landing? Your behaviour could be construed as very compromising. We have high-res, high-speed digital film of you on the plane admitting that your uncle was a ham radio geek."

"What the f.u.c.k?"

"Language, Mr. Gunt. We lip-read everything you said."

"To be clear, Lieutenant, I was being insubordinate deliberately as a protest against your government's ridiculous f.u.c.king stance on global politics, which tried to force me to close my tiny little blind on a lovely Pacific night."

"I see."

"I'm sure you do."

Neal and Elspeth, in the meantime, seemed genuinely shocked that the two of us knew each other.

Peggy-excuse me, Lieutenant Jennifer Healey-replied, "In my twenty-one years with the service, Mr. Gunt, you are the worst human being I've ever met. The. Worst. Person. Ever."

"Um, Lieutenant, is there any way for your staff to change my yoga position here in the back seat? It's hard to open my windpipe to reply to you."

"Not yet, Mr. Gunt. We're still a.s.sessing your threat level to staff here on the island."

"Okay. Could you at least tell me what you were doing in my prison cell in LAX dressed like a soccer mom with a dead meerkat glued to your head?"

"Those cellmates of ours, Mr. Gunt, were the two most powerful narcoterrorists in the western hemisphere, only posing as parakeet egg smugglers."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Well, regardless, you wouldn't want to French kiss those two, would you? Cold sores like raw hamburger patties all over their mouths. Come on, Peggy, have a laugh. You've got to admit, that is an unappetizing thought."

She exhaled a large breath. "In a weird way, I owe you, Raymond. Once your body was carried away, the three of us were able to bond over how awful you'd been-which in turn led them to slip up and give me some information I needed. I may run this island full-time, but those two have been in my gunsight for two decades, ever since I started working for the government. Nabbing them was personal to me, and they'll be locked up for the next few hundred years."

"So I actually helped society."

"You might say that."

"I even helped you fulfill your dream."

She eyed me warily.

Neal volunteered, "Raymond wants a better world for all of us. You know-children singing in fields full of flowers-ebony and ivory and all that Michael Jackson stuff, minus the pervy bits."

From my upside-down position, I looked around me at the cheerless architectural boneyard of crumbling buildings. Time had stopped somewhere in 1971, when Richard Nixon stopped here to take a dump on his way to Guam.

Peggy-Jennifer-finally spoke. "The war on terror and the war on drugs are the same thing to me, Raymond. Actually, I'm at war with everything-it makes mental bookkeeping easier."

"I imagine so."

"Boys, pick Mr. Gunt up. I want him standing to attention."

The MPs hauled me out of the Jeep and stood me up. My legs and arms tingled as blood circulation returned.

"If you change your att.i.tude, Raymond, I might tell you more about what we here on Wake Island are doing. I promise, it's fascinating."

"Blimey," said Neal, as if trapped inside a Beano cartoon. "A secret mission!"

Trucks were roaring about in the background. It was nighttime, but it was also hopping. I sensed something big going on.

I said, "I'm honoured you'd consider trusting me so much, Peggy. Now, could you please uncuff me?"

"Not yet." She called to the MPs. "Boys, toss him into the slammer!" Then she giggled. "I've always wanted to say that." She put on her aviator gla.s.ses, which, under moonlight, gave her a Mexican Day of the Dead kind of look. "Lock Mr. Gunt in Sector D."

20.

So I was thrown into yet another prison cell. I was actually feeling okay about this most recent incarceration and was planning to catch some shut-eye. But when I sat on my bunk, I found a DVD of Billy Elliot and a remote control. Outside the cell's bars was a 55-inch plasma TV. Inside the DVD case was a note from Peggy: Greetings, Raymond Gunt.

The DVD is cued to "The Angry Dance" from this most beloved of motion pictures. Perform it tomorrow at lunch in the mess for everyone and you will be allowed to leave the island. Raymond, it has to look like you are trying, really trying. If I don't think you are trying hard enough, your plane and your friends fly on without you, while you stay here indefinitely to pay for your willfully disobedient violation of the Homeland Security Act. Get cracking, Raymond! Lunch is at noon, sharp.

Love, "Peggy Nielson"

f.u.c.k.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOGBTFFxOpY Imagine being locked in a cage and not only having to watch Billy Elliot, but being ordered to replicate some sort of dance routine-I mean, honestly ...

"h.e.l.lo, Raymond."

I turned around and saw Peggy on the other side of the bars. She looked softer and had makeup on, as well as civilian clothing-one of those muscle dresses favoured by Mrs. Obama.

"I see you got my note," she said.

"What the f.u.c.k is going on here?"

"Raymond, Raymond, Raymond. You don't honestly think Homeland Security would swap a possible threat to national security like yourself for a pair of theatre tickets?" Peggy's crisp, unironic tone reminded me of being on hold with United Airlines. She began twirling her hair. I didn't like where this seemed to be going.

"But I must say, your ex-wife is a terrific bargainer. I wanted tickets for the evening performance, but she drew the line at a matinee."

"Did she?"

"Fortunately, back in the cell at LAX, you confided to me where you were going. The moment I heard that, I knew you were mine. There was no way I was going to let your plane pa.s.s by my island empire here."

"You grounded our flight just for me?"

"Is that so wrong?" She licked an index finger and then trailed it down her cleavage, and I felt as if someone were walking over my grave. "Don't be coy, Raymond. You know there's something between us."

Here's the thing: Peggy Nielson-or rather, Jennifer Healey-is the first nubile woman I've encountered since p.u.b.erty whom I haven't repeatedly mind-boffed, or even considered mind-boffing. I fought for time and said, "Tell me more."

She looked both ways and then came closer to the bars. "In all my undercover years, n.o.body has ever seen through my Peggy Nielson persona, not one person. Only you."

"You can't be serious."

"But I am. You get me like n.o.body else ever has."

My brain went into Jason Bourne car-chase mode: Reverse the BMW into the taxi queue? Plough forward at triple speed? Haul a.r.s.e the wrong way on a busy Moscow thoroughfare? Am I willing to mow down a few pedestrians?

Peggy-no, Jennifer-reached for my shoulder through the bars and caressed it. "I thought we might watch Billy Elliot ... together."

Christ, this woman really had a ma.s.sive pulsating lady-b.o.n.e.r for me. I needed to start thinking of her as f.u.c.kable or I was never going to get out of here. But she had as much s.e.xual allure for me as Mr. Bean. Why, oh why, did she leave me cold when, to be honest, I've even mind-s.h.a.gged Margaret Thatcher-well, come on, let's be totally honest here, who hasn't? All you need is the right lighting, a nice bottle of Italian red, shovel-loads of ketamine and maybe one of those autoerotic asphyxiation getups Fiona's clients are always dying in. I mean, I've mind-s.h.a.gged female restroom logos all around the planet. I've mind-s.h.a.gged the boot at the southern tip of Italy on Google Maps. So to not be able to contemplate getting it up for Peggy/Jennifer was cruelty beyond measure, especially as I was technically now her love slave-and who out there hasn't wanted to be a love slave at some point or other? But failure to perform carried potentially life-threatening consequences.

"Have you ever seen Billy Elliot, Ray?" Her fingers, still inserted through the bars, were now rubbing my neck.

"Um, yes, I watched it-or part of it-on a Singapore Airlines flight back in '04."

"Singapore?"

"They were revising their chewing gum laws, and the BBC wanted arrest footage."

"You're a fascinating man, Raymond Gunt." Her hand slid down towards my gentleman's region. "My, my ... you're so tense."

"It's been a week of airports and hospital beds."

"Go on. Tell me what you thought of Billy Elliot, then." I could smell her breath: Listerine.

"Well, to me it all boils down to whether Billy is a poofter or not. I mean, if he were a flat-out flamer, there'd have been no movie. He simply would have looked at his small town, said, 'Right then,' moved to London, entered the s.e.x trade and gone to dancing cla.s.s at night, but where's the uplifting story in that? I think viewers are really thinking, What if Billy's a poofter, even though he says he isn't? But because he's underage, you're not allowed to mention s.e.x, so instead you have to say how heartwarming it all is and be inspired. And the thing is, in real life, a small-town Billy Elliot would most likely lure you out into the bramble hedge for a good tussle, save some DNA from the crime scene, and then blackmail the bejeezus out of you to pay for his dancing lessons, until you justifiably went out and slit his throat."

Jennifer looked at me with eyes that beamed with admiration. "Raymond, you have such imagination." She pulled me closer by the belt and started to fondle my gentleman's bits, which were about as aroused as a small bag of sun-dried apricots.

She said, "Raymond?"

Gulp. "Yes?" I shut my eyes.

She let me go, but then I heard her key inside the cell's lock. I swallowed, hard.

Suddenly a harsh alarm began to clang. Jennifer screamed, "s.h.i.t! Why do the engineers need me now, of all times?"

Blowing a kiss and mouthing, "Later," she left me.

In grat.i.tude to the G.o.ds, I hit PLAY on the DVD and began to practise my brains out.

The chewing gum ban in Singapore was enacted in 1992 and really does ban the import and sale of chewing gum. The offense is punishable by caning.

When first introduced, the ban caused open defiance, but offenders were publicly "named and shamed" by the government to deter other would-be smugglers.

Origins: In his memoirs, former Singaporean prime minister Lee Kuan Yew recounted that as early as 1983, chewing gum was causing serious maintenance problems in high-rise public housing. Vandals had been disposing of spent gum in mailboxes, inside keyholes and on elevator b.u.t.tons. Chewing gum left on floors, stairways, buses and pavements in public areas increased the cost of cleaning and damaged cleaning equipment. However, Lee thought that a ban would be too drastic and did not take action.

In 1987, vandals stuck chewing gum on the door sensors in a new $5 billion metro system. The doors malfunctioned, causing disruption of train services.

In January 1992, Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong decided on a flat-out ban. The import of chewing gum was immediately halted, but a reasonable transition period was given to allow shops to clear their existing stocks.

Yes, this really happened.

21.

Morning came. f.u.c.king h.e.l.l. My feet were cheese-gratered and b.l.o.o.d.y from a night spent rehearsing the appalling routine in which little Billy lugs his twinkle-toes up and down the bricks of some failure-filled housing estate, which is, in the film, conveniently devoid of crack ampoules, used condoms and surgically licked-clean crisp packets.

I involuntarily dozed off at 11:30 a.m., only to be woken at noon by a gorilla of an MP. "Got orders to take you over to the canteen for your matinee performance." The word "matinee" filled me with foreboding. Was this all somehow being engineered by Fiona?