Woman Her Sex and Love Life Part 18

The word frigidity means coldness, and when a woman has no desire for s.e.xual relations or experiences no pleasure when she has s.e.xual relations, she is said to be frigid.

Some cases suffer only from lack of desire, others only from lack of pleasure, and still others from both. In some cases the frigidity is congenital, that is, the lack of desire with inability to experience pleasure during the act is inborn. In most cases, however, it is acquired, or is only temporary, and is due to various causes.

Frigidity is much more widespread among women than it is among men.

Some physicians claim it is present in fifty per cent. of all women.

This may be an exaggeration, but if we put the number at twenty-five per cent. we will be quite near the truth.

The causes of frigidity in women are many, but here are the most important ones: First and foremost is the repression of all s.e.xual manifestations which the unmarried woman has to practice, and has had to practice for many centuries. So that a part of the frigidity is hereditary. You cannot entirely eradicate a natural instinct, but that by continually repressing it, by giving it no chance to a.s.sert itself, you may weaken it--about this there can be no question.

The second cause is masturbation. Cases that have been addicted to excessive masturbation are very apt to develop not only frigidity, but complete aversion to the s.e.xual act, and inability to experience any pleasure or o.r.g.a.s.m. Such cases we come across every day.

A third very important cause is s.e.xual weakness in the husband. When the husband is s.e.xually weak (suffering with premature e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.ns) he either fails to awaken the s.e.xual instinct in the woman, or if it has been awakened it is apt to turn not only into frigidity but into aversion to the act.

The fourth cause is often merely dislike towards the husband. The last two causes, weakness of the husband and dislike towards him, are unfortunately very frequent, and a wife who was frigid with one husband may show herself very pa.s.sionate on marrying another man.

The fifth cause is fear of pregnancy.

The above are the five princ.i.p.al causes. Other causes may be disease of the uterus, laceration of the cervix, inflammation of the ovaries, vaginismus, disease of the thyroid gland, etc.

It is an unfortunate fact that women who were frigid up to the age of forty or so may become very pa.s.sionate after that age.

As to the treatment of frigidity, little or nothing can be done for frigidity that is congenital. Most of the other kinds of frigidity, however, can be cured.

CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

ADVICE TO FRIGID WOMEN, PARTICULARLY WIVES

Advice to Frigid Women--Att.i.tude of Different Men Towards Frigid Wives--o.r.g.a.s.m a Subjective Feeling--A Justifiable Innocent Deception--The Case of a Demi-Mondaine.

I wish to give you a piece of advice which is of extremely great importance to you. I hesitated somewhat before writing this chapter, but the welfare of so many women depends upon following this advice, and I have seen the lives of so many wives spoiled on account of not having followed it, that I decided to devote a few words to the subject.

As you know, about one-third or one-quarter of all women (in other words, one out of every three or four) are s.e.xually frigid. They either have little or no s.e.xual desire, or if they do have, they experience no voluptuous sensation during the act, and never have an o.r.g.a.s.m. If you are unmarried, well and good. But if you are married and happen to belong to the frigid type, then _don't inform your husband of the fact_. It may lead to great and permanent trouble. Some husbands don't care. Some are even glad if their wives are frigid.

They can then consult their own wishes in the matter, they can have intercourse whenever they want and _the way they want_. They do not have to accommodate themselves to their wives' ways, they do not have to prolong the act until she gets the o.r.g.a.s.m, etc. In short, some husbands consider a frigid wife a blessing, a G.o.d-sent treasure. But, as I mentioned several times before, in s.e.xual matters every man is a law unto himself, and some men feel extremely bad and displeased when they find out that their wives have "no feeling." Some become furious, some become disgusted. Some lose all pleasure in intercourse, and some claim to be unable to have intercourse with any woman who is not properly responsive. Some begin to go to other women, while some threaten or demand a divorce (of course, such men cannot really love their wives; they may use their wives' frigidity as an _excuse_ to get rid of them).

Now, a man has no way of knowing whether a woman has a feeling during the act or not, whether or no she enjoys it, whether or no she has an o.r.g.a.s.m. These are subjective feelings, and the man cannot know them unless you tell him. If you belong to the independent kind, if you scorn simulation and deceit, if, as the price of being perfectly truthful, you are willing if necessary to part with your husband or give him a divorce, well and good. You are a free human being, and n.o.body has a right to tell you what to do with your body. But if you care for your husband, if you care for your home and perhaps children, and do not want any disruption, then the only thing for you to do is not to apprise your husband of your frigid condition. And it won't hurt you to simulate a feeling which you do not experience, and even to imitate the o.r.g.a.s.m. He won't be any the wiser, he will enjoy you more, and n.o.body will be injured by your little deception, which is after all a species of white lie, and is n.o.body's business but your own. An innocent deception which hurts n.o.body, but, on the contrary, benefits all concerned, is perfectly permissible.

It may seem rather strange publicly to give advice to deceive and to simulate. And it is undoubtedly the first time that this advice has been given in print. But as I have only one religion--the greatest happiness of the greatest number--I repeat that I can see nothing wrong in advising something which benefits everybody (concerned) and hurts n.o.body. More than one household which was threatened with disruption was preserved safe and sound by a little simple advice which I gave to the wife, without the husband's knowledge. He was satisfied, and things after that ran smoothly.

Some women are afraid to simulate a voluptuous or orgastic feeling, because they think the husband can discover whether their feeling is genuine or they are only simulating. (Women, and men too, have funny ideas on s.e.xual subjects). This is not so. A notorious demi-mondaine, who was greatly sought because she was known to be so "pa.s.sionate,"

confessed that not once in her life did she enjoy intercourse or experience an o.r.g.a.s.m. But her mother, who also suffered with absolute frigidity, taught her to simulate pa.s.sion, telling her that in that way she could make barrels of money; which she did.

It is deplorable that wives--or husbands--should ever be obliged to have recourse to deception or simulation; perfect frankness should be the ideal to be striven after. But under our present social conditions and with the present moral code, an occasional white lie is the lesser of two evils; it may be the least of a dozen evils.

CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

RAPE

Definition of Rape--Age of Consent--Unanimous Opinion of Experts--Exceptional Cases--False Accusation of Rape Due to Perversion--Erotic Dreams Under Anesthesia Causing Accusations Against Doctors and Dentists.

Having intercourse with a woman by force, without her consent, is called rape. When the woman is not in a condition to give consent, as when she is insane, feebleminded, unconscious or drunk, or when she is not of the age at which she can legally give consent, it also const.i.tutes rape, and the punishment is the same. The age of consent differs in different countries and in different States, but as a rule is between sixteen and eighteen years. That is, if a girl under the legal age of consent should give her consent or even if she should urge the man to have intercourse with her the man would be punished just as if he had committed rape.

The punishment for rape is very severe in all civilized countries and ranges from ten years' imprisonment to life imprisonment, while in some States in this Union the punishment is death.

It is not my intention to go into an exhaustive discussion of this painful subject. In this brief chapter I merely wish to bring out two facts.

First, that it is the almost unanimous opinion of all experts that it is practically impossible for a man to commit rape on a normal adult girl or woman if she really offers all the resistance of which she is capable. Of course, if the man knocks the woman down with a blow, rendering her unconscious, that is a different matter. But where no brutality is used by the man, and the woman offers all the resistance she is capable of, rape is practically impossible. It is, however, possible that in some cases the girl may be so paralyzed by fear as to be incapable of offering any resistance. When the man threatens her with death or severe bodily injury, then it is rape even if she offers no resistance.

The second point is that it has been established that of the many accusations of rape brought before the courts _most_ are false. Out of a hundred cases only about ten are true. The rest are false. This false accusation of rape is due to a peculiar perversion with which some women suffer. Some of the cases are due to hysteria, to imagination, the women really believing that rape or an attempt at rape was committed on them, while investigation shows the accusation to be entirely false. Many accusations of rape are due to a desire for revenge or merely to motives of blackmail.

Careful doctors and dentists will refuse to give laughing gas or another anesthetic to women except in the presence of others, because, as is well known, an anesthetic often causes in women erotic dreams and sensations and makes them believe that the doctor was committing or about to commit an indecent a.s.sault on them, and when they come out of the anesthetic they may be so sure of the reality of their dream that they will bring a complaint against the doctor. Many men have suffered disgrace and imprisonment and have had their lives ruined or even paid the death penalty on account of false accusations against them by either pervert, hysterical, revengeful or blackmailing women.

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

THE SINGLE STANDARD OF s.e.xUAL MORALITY

Chast.i.ty--Double Standard of Morality--Attempt to Abolish Double Standard--Late Marriages and Chast.i.ty in Men--Harmful Advice Given to Young Women--Chast.i.ty in Men Not Always Due to Moral Principles--Chaste Men and Satisfactory Husbands--A Statement by Professor Freud--A Statement by Professor Michels--What a Girl has a Right to Demand of Her Future Husband--Three Cases Showing Disastrous Effects of Wrong Teachings.

When a man marries a girl he expects her to be chaste, that is, a virgin, without any s.e.xual experiences. Of men, the same chast.i.ty is not expected as a general thing. As long as a man is healthy, free from venereal disease, his previous s.e.xual experiences do not const.i.tute a barrier to his marriage. This is what is known as the double or duplex standard of s.e.x morality.

During the past few years a number of high-minded and well-meaning men and women have been trying to abolish this double standard and to introduce a single standard of morality. That is, they are demanding that the man going to the marriage bed should be just as chaste, just as virginal as his wife is. Whether or no the efforts of these good men and women will ever be crowned with success we will leave open.

Whether or no it is even desirable that their efforts _should_ be crowned with success we will also leave open. A complete discussion of these questions belongs to a more advanced book on s.e.xual ethics. Here I will merely say that, taking into consideration the fact that the s.e.xual instinct in boys awakens fully at the age of fifteen or sixteen, and that marriage at the present time, particularly among the professional cla.s.ses, is an impossibility before the age of twenty-eight, thirty, or thirty-five, it seems to be impossible and undesirable to expect that men should live a perfectly chaste life until they enter matrimony, no matter how late that event may take place.

Those who have made a study of the s.e.x instinct in the male seem to think that chast.i.ty in normal, healthy men up to the age of thirty or thereabouts is an impossibility, and where it is accomplished it is accomplished at the expense of the physical, mental, and s.e.xual health of the individual. But be it as it may, and leaving disputed questions out of discussion, the fact remains that the vast majority of men of the present day do indulge in s.e.x relations before marriage. And people that are urging upon our young women to refuse to marry men who have not been perfectly chaste are doing our womanhood a very poor service. As it is now, with all mandom to choose from, there are many, too many, old maids. With only ten per cent. to choose from (because it is admitted that at least 90 per cent. of all men have ante-matrimonial relations), what would our women do? They would practically all have to give up any hopes of being married and becoming mothers. And if these ten per cent., who have remained chaste to their married day, were at least a superior cla.s.s of men in every instance, there would be some compensation in that. Unfortunately, this is far from being the case, because, as all advanced s.e.xologists will tell you, there is generally something wrong with a man who remains absolutely chaste until the age of thirty, thirty-five or forty. It isn't moral principles in all cases; it is mostly cowardice, or s.e.xual weakness. And sad as it may be to state, these perfectly good, chaste men do not generally make satisfactory husbands, and their wives are not apt to be the happiest ones. I fully agree with Professor Freud in his statement "that s.e.xual abstinence does not help to build up energetic, independent men of action, original thinkers, bold advocates of freedom and reform, but rather goody-goody weaklings." And still more to the purpose is the statement of Professor Michels, who says:

"The desire that one's daughter may marry a man who, like herself, and on an equal footing, will gain in marriage his first experience of the most sacred mysteries of the s.e.xual life, is one which _may lead to profound disillusionments_. Even if to-day the demand for chaste young men is extremely restricted, the supply is yet more so, and the article _is of such an inferior quality_ that in actual practice the attempt to satisfy this desire is likely to lead to results which will fail altogether to correspond to the hopes inspired by a contemplation of the abstract idea of purity. Many physically intact individuals of both s.e.xes _are far more contaminated_ than those who have had actual s.e.xual experience. Others again, superior in the abstract, and from the physically s.e.xual aspect, are _ethically inferior to the unchaste_, so that the union with these latter would be more likely to prove happy than a union with those who are nominally pure." And further, "Careful fathers of marriageable daughters, who seek this virginity in their sons-in-law, will, if they find it, seldom find it a guarantee for the simultaneous possession of solid moral qualities."

All a girl has a right to demand is that her future husband be in good health, physically and s.e.xually, and that he be free from venereal disease. His previous s.e.xual life, provided he is a man of fine moral character in general, is no concern of hers. Even if the man was unfortunate enough to have contracted gonorrhea, that fact should const.i.tute no bar to marriage, provided he is completely cured of it.

The only exception is that of syphilis. The girl has a right to refuse absolutely to enter into union with any man who has been infected with syphilis unless she is willing, and does it with her eyes open, to live her life without any children. In syphilis we can never give an _absolute guarantee_ of cure and we have no right to subject a woman to any danger of infection with syphilis, be the danger ever so slight, without her knowledge and consent.

=Disastrous Effects of Wrong Teachings=

What disastrous effects wrong teaching which inoculates the minds of our women with wrong ideas may have, the following three cases reported briefly in _The Critic and Guide_, will show:

=Case One= was a girl of twenty-four, of well-to-do parents, a college graduate. She was engaged to a really very nice, sympathetic young man, who undoubtedly would have made her an excellent husband. But during her last two years in college she became imbued with the single standard stupidity, and "chast.i.ty for men, votes for women" became her slogan. She asked her fiance if he had been absolutely chaste before he met her. He did not want to play the hypocrite, and he told her the truth that he had not. But he a.s.sured her that he had never been infected and that his general and s.e.xual health was in excellent condition. Being then in an exalted mood, she impulsively broke the engagement, declaring that her husband will have to be as "pure" as she was. She soon regretted her step, because she loved the man; but pride did not let her take the initiative towards a reconciliation, and in the meantime her former fiance fell in love with and married another girl. After four years had pa.s.sed, and she was in danger of becoming an old maid, she married a man considerably beneath her socially and intellectually, and in every way inferior to her former fiance. Her marriage is not a happy one.

=Case two= is similar to case one, except that the young lady in question--now not so very young--is still living in single blessedness, and the chances of her ever being a wife or even somebody's sweetheart are rapidly vanishing. I might add that her fiance whom she discarded because of his lack of virginity was a very bright young physician, who is now very successful and very happily married. She I hear is a very unhappy person, in danger of sinking into a permanent state of melancholia. And she had been of a very jolly disposition.