Woman Her Sex and Love Life Part 16

To give the child to a foundling asylum or to a "baby farm" means generally to condemn it to a slow death--and not such a slow one, either. For as statistics show about ninety to ninety-five per cent.

of all babies in those inst.i.tutions die within a few months. And the very few who survive and grow up have not a happy life. Life is hard enough for anybody; for children who come into the world handicapped by the disgrace of illegitimacy, life is torture indeed. It is with a breaking heart generally and because there is no other way out of the dilemma that a mother puts her baby away in a foundling asylum. She hopes and prays for its speedy death.

Taking into consideration the pitifully unhappy lot of the illegitimate mother and illegitimate child, it is no wonder that every unmarried woman, as soon as she finds herself pregnant, is frantically determined to get rid of the child in the womb as soon as possible.

And abortion thrives in every civilized country. Thousands and thousands of doctors and semi-doctors and midwives are making a rich living in this country from practicing abortion. The greater the disgrace with which illegitimacy is considered in a country, the stricter the prohibition against the use of measures for the prevention of conception, the greater the number of abortions in that country. But abortion is not a trifle, to be undertaken with a light heart. It is true that if performed by a thoroughly competent physician, with all aseptic precautions, it is practically free from danger. But when performed by a careless physician or an ignorant midwife, trouble is apt to happen. Blood poisoning may set in, and the patient may be very sick for a time, and may on recovery from the acute illness remain a chronic invalid for life. And occasionally the patient dies. Whether or not abortion is justifiable under special circ.u.mstances is a separate question, which I have discussed in another place. But leaving aside the ethics of the question, if you have determined to have an abortion produced, be sure to go to a conscientious physician, and avoid the quacks and midwives. An unexpected and undesired pregnancy is punishment enough and there is no reason why you should be further punished by becoming a chronic invalid or by paying with your life. There is no sense in it. n.o.body will profit by your invalidism or your death.

I do not wish to leave this topic without re-emphasizing the fact that abortion is not a trifle, to be undertaken or even to be spoken of lightly. Too many women, not only in the radical ranks, but in the conservative ranks as well, are in the habit of considering abortion as a joke, a trifling annoyance, something like a cold in the head, which, while disagreeable, is sure to pa.s.s away in a day or two. They know Mrs. A and Mrs. B and perhaps Miss C who had abortions produced on them and in two or three days they were as good as ever. Yes. But they do not know Miss D who is resting in her grave, nor do they know why Miss E and Mrs. F are invalids for life. The women who get over their abortion experiences easily are apt to talk of their good luck; the women who have become chronic invalids or who are resting in their graves as a result of an abortion are not apt to talk of the matter.

And therefore, once more, remember, an abortion is no trifling matter.

One other piece of advice and I am through. Some men of a low moral and mental caliber are under the influence of the pernicious idea that if a girl has lost her virginity--no matter under what circ.u.mstances--she no longer amounts to much and is free prey for everybody who may want her.

And, like beasts of prey, these wretched specimens of humanity pester such a girl with much more impudence, more brazenness than they dare to employ in the case of a girl who is still considered a virgin. And, what is more, the girls themselves become poisoned with this pernicious idea and dare not offer the same resistance that the virgin does. And they often yield with resignation, though against their will, and though they may experience a feeling of disgust against the man.

Now again, _don't you do it_. Do not nurse the medieval idea that because you are not a virgin in the physical sense, you are "ruined,"

"no good," and an outcast. You are nothing of the kind. If through some cause or other you are no longer in possession of an intact hymen, it is your affair or misfortune, and n.o.body else's. Do not on that account cast your eyes down and avoid meeting people. Carry your head high, do not fear to meet people, and treat with contempt the jeers of the stupid and ignorant. A person's entire character does not depend upon the presence or absence of the hymen, and one misstep should not ruin a person's whole life. A boy is not "ruined," is not an outcast, because he has had s.e.xual relations before marriage, and while the boy's and girl's cases are not exactly identical, still the poor girl should not be made to expiate one error all her life long.

It isn't fair.

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

ADVICE TO PARENTS OF UNFORTUNATE GIRLS

Att.i.tude of Parents Towards Unfortunate Girl--The Case of Edith and What Her Father Did--The Pitiful Cases of Mary B. and Bridget C.

Suppose you are the parents of a girl to whom a misfortune has happened. I admit it is a misfortune, a catastrophe. Probably the greatest catastrophe that, under our present social system, can happen to an unmarried young woman. What are you going to do? Are you going to disgrace her--incidentally disgracing yourselves--are you going to kick her out of the house, condemning her to a suicide's grave, or to a life that is often worse than death? Or are you going to stand by her in her dark hours, to shield her, to surround her with a wall of protection against a cruel and wantonly inquisitive world, and thus earn her eternal grat.i.tude, and put her on the path of self-improvement and useful social work? Which shall it be? But before you decide, kindly bear in mind that your girl is not entirely to blame; that some of the blame lies with you. If she had been _properly_ brought up, this would not have happened. I know such a thing could never have happened in my household. But I know how I would have acted if such a thing had happened. And I will tell you how one father and mother did act under the circ.u.mstances.

They were far from rich; just fairly comfortable; they had a well-paying store. Edith was their treasure, because she was so pretty and so full of life. Unfortunately, she was too pretty and too full of life. She was only seventeen, but was fully developed, and had many empty-headed young admirers, who showered upon her silly compliments and cloying sweets. She became frivolous and flirtatious and was beginning to do poorly in high school. She failed in her last year, and refused to take the year over again. Now, all the time being her own, and having n.o.body to give any account to, she began to go out a good deal, and more than ever indulged in flirtations. One night she stayed out later than usual, her parents were worried, and when she came home about two in the morning there was a quarrel, and the father, who was a strict, impulsive man, gave her a pretty good beating. After that she went out very little, kept to herself, became rather melancholy, lost her appet.i.te, and did not sleep well. To all inquiries she answered that there was nothing the matter with her, that she just felt a little indisposed. Four or five months thus pa.s.sed.

But finally the condition could no longer be concealed. The mother was the first one to discover it. When the fact dawned upon her consciousness that her beautiful, not quite eighteen-year-old Edith was pregnant she promptly fell in a faint and it took Edith and the maid quite some time to restore her to consciousness. She became distracted. She floundered about pitifully, not knowing what to do, what decision to reach. She tried to conceal the matter from the father, but he saw that there was something wrong and it didn't take him long to worm the truth out of her. As the mother on learning the tragic truth had taken refuge in a dead faint, so he took refuge in a Berserker rage. He fumed and stormed and was in danger of an apoplectic stroke. He wanted to strike the daughter, but the mother interfered. He then ordered Edith to get out of the house and never to cross his threshold again. Edith looked at him to see if he meant it; the mother tried to intercede; but he was inflexible, and demanded that she leave at once. Edith began to gather a few of her belongings, the tears silently rolling down her face.

And here a sudden change came over the father. Some men (and women) are crushed by small misfortunes; real catastrophes awaken their finer qualities, which lay dormant within them and which might have remained dormant within them forever. In these few minutes he seems to have undergone a complete metamorphosis. He went up to Edith, took her in his arms, kissed her, told her to stay, to calm down and they would see what could be done. In a few days she was taken over to a physician who performed an abortion. She was a pretty sick girl for about six weeks, and at one time there was danger of blood poisoning setting in. But she recovered. And she was a different girl. She had shed her frivolity and lightheartedness like an old garment. She took her last year in high school over again, entered Barnard, from which she was graduated among the very first, and soon began to teach in that very high school in which she had been a pupil. One of the teachers fell in love with her and she fell in love with him. He asked her to marry him. She wanted no skeleton from the past coming down rattling its bones and marring their married life, and she told him of the unfortunate incident. A good test, by the way, to find out a man's real love and breadth of character. Fortunately the man's love was a true love, not merely pa.s.sion, and he was truly broadminded, which is not a very common thing among school-teachers. Their married life is an uncloudedly happy one. And the relation between the daughter and the parents is one of sincere love and deep mutual respect.

Isn't it better so?

Didn't Edith's parents act more decently, more kindly, more humanely, more wisely than the parents, say, of Mary B, who, when they found out her condition, put her out of the house, into which she was brought back two days later a corpse, fished out from the East River? Didn't Edith's father act more n.o.bly, more wisely even from a purely selfish point of view than the father of Bridget C, who kicked his daughter out penniless into the street, where he had to see her afterwards powdered and painted soliciting men and boys? The mother died of a broken heart, and the father, unable to bear the constant, daily repeated disgrace, became an incorrigible drunkard.

Fathers and mothers! So bring up your daughters, so guard them and protect them, that the misfortune of an illegitimate pregnancy may not befall them. But if the misfortune has befallen them, then stand by them! Do not desert them then in these dark hours, the darkest hours in a girl's life. Do not kick them--they are down enough. Stand by them, and they will become good women and you will have their eternal grat.i.tude. If you do not stand by them, you are worse than the beasts of the jungle and deserve their eternal curse. You are unworthy to be, or to be called, parents, for you are devoid of the least spark of that sacred feeling called Parental Love, a feeling which unfortunately in only too many parents is replaced by nothing but the most sordid, most brutal egotism.

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

s.e.xUAL RELATIONS DURING MENSTRUATION

Heightened s.e.xual Appet.i.te of Many Women During Menstruation--s.e.xual Intercourse During Menstrual Period--When Intercourse May be Permitted--Injection Before Coitus During Menstruation--Fallacy of Ancient Idea of Injuriousness.

This may seem to some a strange and superfluous question, a question which would never present itself. Still the laity would be surprised if it learned how frequently nowadays that question is presented to the physician who specializes in s.e.x matters. Some husbands come to the physician complaining that the menses are the only period during which their wives demand s.e.x relations, and ask if something cannot be done to cure them of what they consider an abnormal desire.

Biologically considered, the desire on the woman's part for s.e.x relations during the menses should not seem strange or abnormal, for we must bear in mind that menstruation bears a certain a.n.a.logy to the rut in animals. And animals permit intercourse at no time except during the rut.

Recent investigations have disclosed to fact that the number of women whose s.e.xual appet.i.te is _heightened_ during the time immediately preceding, during, and following the menses, is quite considerable.

And there is also a smaller percentage of women who experience the desire _at no other time except_ during the menses.

Speaking generally, relations during the menses should be discouraged.

There are several reasons for it. The first reason, which need not be gone into in detail, is an esthetic one. The second reason is that intercourse during menstruation may in some cases lead to congestion of the uterus and ovaries. Third, the menstrual discharge, which as we know does not consist of pure blood but is a mixture of blood, mucus, and degenerated lining membrane of the uterus, may give rise to a catarrh of the urethra in the man. Fourth, and this is a point to be borne in mind, any discharge that a woman may be suffering from is always aggravated during menstruation. For these reasons relations during the menses are undesirable.

But where the woman has strong libido during that time and has no libido at any other time, relations may be indulged in during the last day or two of the menses. Any unpleasantness may be obviated and any discharge may be removed by the woman taking a mild, warm, antiseptic injection before coitus. The ancient idea of the injuriousness of the relations during menstruation and the disastrous results likely to follow them have only a very slender foundation. They rest on no scientific basis and though it may be sad to state facts, there are many couples who do indulge in such relations as a regular thing and without any injury to either husband or wife.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

s.e.xUAL INTERCOURSE DURING PREGNANCY

Complete Abstinence During-Pregnancy--Bad Results of Complete Abstinence--Intensity of Relations During First Four Months--Intercourse During Fifth, Sixth and Seventh Months--Intercourse During Eighth and Ninth Months--Abstinence After Birth of Child.

The question whether s.e.xual intercourse is permissible during pregnancy is often put to the physician. Some extremists and theorists demand complete abstinence during the entire duration of pregnancy.

Such abstinence is not only not feasible, but is unnecessary and may prove a disrupting factor; it may create not only dissension, it may wreck the love-life of husband and wife. I know of cases where the wife, influenced by the wrong teachings about the necessity of complete abstinence during pregnancy, about the possible injury to the child from intercourse, persisted in keeping the husband away; and the result was that the husband began to go to other women, and he got in the habit to such an extent that he refused to give up entirely, even after the child was born. It cannot be expected from a married man, who is used to more or less regular s.e.xual relations, to abstain entirely for nine or ten months. Such a demand is unreasonable and uncalled for. All claims about the injurious effects of intercourse on the mother and child lack proof and foundation. During the first four months of pregnancy no change need be made in the usual s.e.x relations.

Their "intensity" should be moderated, their frequency need not.

During the fifth, sixth and seventh months intercourse should be indulged in at rarer intervals--once in two or three weeks--the act should be performed without any violence or intensity, and the usual position should be reversed or changed to a lateral one. During the eighth and ninth months relations had best be given up altogether.

And this abstinence should last until about six weeks after the birth of the child. During this period the uterus undergoes what we call involution; that is, it goes back to the size and shape it had before pregnancy, and it is best not to disturb this process by s.e.xual excitement, which causes engorgement and congestion.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

s.e.xUAL INTERCOURSE FOR PROPAGATION ONLY

Belief in s.e.xual Intercourse for Propagation Only--What Such Practice Would Lead to--Nature and the s.e.x-fanatics--s.e.xual Desire in Woman After Menopause--s.e.x Instinct of Sterile Men and Women--s.e.x Instinct Has Other High Purposes.

Some people sincerely believe that the s.e.xual instinct is for reproductive purposes only; they claim we should never indulge in s.e.xual intercourse unless it be for the purpose of bringing a child into the world. The act performed without such aim in view is stigmatized by them as carnal l.u.s.t, as a sin. Some even say that such an act is equivalent to an act of prost.i.tution. To _argue_ the question with such people would be a waste of time. It is not fair to impugn the good faith, the sincerity of your opponents, because I have convinced myself that the most insane, most bizarre notions may be held by otherwise sane people in perfect sincerity. But we cannot help questioning the reasoning faculties of people holding such beliefs.

Let us see where the belief of "s.e.x relations for procreation only"

would lead us to. In a normal healthy couple impregnation follows one connection. So if a couple wanted to limit themselves to three or four or six children, they would be ent.i.tled to have relations only three, four or six times in their lives. For it must be remembered that during pregnancy s.e.xual relations would be prohibited, as during pregnancy no further impregnation can take place, and no intercourse must take place which has not for its purpose the conception of a new human being. If the people were believers in big families, and agreed to have twelve children--no anti-Malthusian would expect more than that--they would be ent.i.tled to twelve relations during their marital life. a.s.suming that not every act is followed by pregnancy, but that it takes on the average three or four times to bring about the desired result, we will have it that during the wife's childbearing period the couple may indulge in s.e.x relations from once in three or four years to once or twice a year.

Can a sane person knowing anything about the s.e.xual instinct make any such demands from married people living in the same house and perhaps occupying the same bed? It must be borne in mind that as soon as the wife has reached the menopause all relations must cease, because she can no longer become pregnant, and intercourse without a probable or possible pregnancy is a sin. Also remember that no matter how beautiful, young and pa.s.sionate the wife may be, if she has some little trouble which makes pregnancy impossible, s.e.x relations must be absolutely abstained from. And of course if the husband or wife is sterile, all relations must be renounced forever, no matter how strong the libido may be in one or both.

It is strange that Nature did not act according to the formula of our s.e.x fanatics; no pregnancy, no intercourse. If she had meant it to be that way, she would have abolished s.e.xual desire in woman immediately after the menopause. Unfortunately this is not the case. For we know that the s.e.xual libido in women after the menopause is often and for several years stronger than before. Why? Nor has Nature abolished the s.e.xual instinct and the pa.s.sionate desire for s.e.x relations in all those men and women who are for some reason or other sterile, or otherwise so defective that no child can result from the union.