Wings. Part 19

"Who?..." Billy had looked very uncomfortable with her, and they had come home together. Nick had always felt they were right for each other, and he was the right age. It was what he had wanted for her, but it hurt so d.a.m.n much now thinking of it, it brought tears to his eyes. "Billy?" he asked in a choked voice, trying to sound n.o.ble, but this time she laughed through her tears, and took her hand away gently.

"Of course not." She hesitated for a long time, looking away, and then, finally, back up at him. She had to tell him. "Desmond."

There was an endless silence in the warm night air, and then a shout of disbelief, almost of pain, as he understood it. "Desmond Williams?" As though there were ten others with the same first name. He stared at her in outraged agony as she nodded. "For Cod's sake, Ca.s.sie... how could you be such a fool? I told you, didn't I? Why the h.e.l.l do you think he married you?"

"Because he wanted to, Nick," she said with a tone of annoyance. "He needs me. He loves me, in his own way." Though she knew better than anyone that most of the time there wasn't room in his life for more than planes and papers.

"He doesn't need anything but a flight director and a newsreel crew and you know it. I haven't seen a newsreel that's less than five months old in a year, but I bet he's pumped the h.e.l.l out of marrying you, and you've spent more time posing for pictures than Garbo."

"It's five weeks before the tour, Nick, what do you expect?"

"I expected you to have more brains, to see him for what he is. He's a charlatan and a bulls.h.i.tter, and I've said it since the day I met him. He's going to use you until he's squeezed you dry, or fly you till you drop, or wind yourself around a tree somewhere in a machine that's too much for you. He cares about one thing: publicity and his G.o.dd.a.m.n aircraft company. The man is a machine, he's a publicity genius, and that's all he is. Are you telling me that you love him?" He was shouting at her, and she flinched as he stood right in front of her and cast aspersions on her husband.

"Yes, I do. And he loves me. He thinks of me constantly. He takes care of... sure he cares about his planes, and the tour, but he's doing absolutely everything to to protect me." protect me."

"Like what? Sending you with waterproof cameras and a frogman crew? Come on, Ca.s.sie, come off it. Are you telling me he hasn't publicized the h.e.l.l out of your marriage? I haven't seen any of it, but I'll bet they have here. I'll bet you tossed your bouquet right at the cameras."

"So what for G.o.d's sake?" He was closer to the truth than he knew, but Desmond was always telling her to cooperate and be patient, that the press was an important part of their life, and her tour. But she was sure he had not married her because of it. That was disgusting, and hearing Nick say that made her angry. What right did he have to criticize? He hadn't even written to her. "What do you care anyway?" she fought back. "You didn't want me. You didn't want to marry me, or write to me, or come home to me, or even offer me any hope if you did get back from the war. All you want to do is play ace in somebody else's dogfight. Well, go for it, flyboy. You didn't want me. You told me that. You just wanted to smooch around with me while you were here and then go off to your own life. Well, go for it. But I have a right to a life too. And I've got one."

"No, you don't," he said viciously, "you have a figment of your imagination. And as soon as the tour is over, and he doesn't need the illusions anymore to feed the press, he's going to dump you so fast your head will spin, or maybe he'll keep you around and ignore you," It was what he was doing now, but she knew it was because he had so much work to do before the tour. She wanted Nick to be wrong. Everything he said was unfair, because he was a sore loser and he was angry. And then he went on to make it worse as he took another step closer to her. He wanted to yank her right off the log and into his arms, but out of respect for her, he didn't. "I hear he keeps half a dozen mistresses quietly stashed away, Ca.s.s. Has anyone told you that, or have you figured it out for yourself yet?" He said it viciously, but he also looked as though he believed it. "That's ridiculous. How would you know anyway?" "Word gets around. He's not the saint he appears to be, or the husband," he said sadly. He wished he had married her himself, but it seemed so wrong to him when he left. It still did. But so did her being married to Desmond. "The guy's a b.a.s.t.a.r.d; Ca.s.s. He probably doesn't love you at all. Face it. He's a showman and a con man. You didn't marry him. All you did was join the circus." But hearing Nick say those things about Desmond frightened her so much all it did was make her want to strike out to stop him. She reached back to slap him with all her strength, but he was faster than she was. He grabbed her arm and pulled it behind her, and then he couldn't help himself. He kissed her harder than he ever had, harder than he would have dared at any other moment, but she wasn't a little girl anymore, she was a woman. And without even thinking, she felt herself respond to him, and for an endless piece of time, the two clung to each other in unbridled pa.s.sion. It was Ca.s.sie who finally pulled away, with tears rolling down her cheeks. She hated what was happening to them, hated herself (or what she had done to him, but it had seemed so right at the time to marry Desmond. Maybe she was wrong.

But that wasn't the issue now. The issue was Nick, and what they no longer had a right to.

"Ca.s.sie, I love you," Nick said urgently as he held her in his arms again, but this time he didn't kiss her. "I always have, I always will. I didn't want to ruin your life, but I never thought you'd do anything this stupid... I thought you'd wind up with Billy." She laughed at the idea, and sat down next to him on the log again, thinking about the mess she'd created. She was in love with two men... or maybe only one... but she was obsessed with one, and married to another.

"Being married to Billy would have been like marrying Chris," she laughed sadly.

"And being married to him?" he asked in a choked voice. He wanted to know now.

"He's very serious," she sighed, "everything he does is for the tour right now. I think he's doing it for me. I don't know, Nick... I thought I was doing the right thing. Maybe I made a mistake. I just don't know."

"Cancel the trip," he said urgently. "Divorce him." He was panicking. He would do anything. He would marry her if that was what she wanted. But every fiber of his being told him she was in danger.

"I can't do that, Nick," she said honorably. "It wouldn't be fair. He married me in good faith. I can't walk out on him. I owe him too much now. He's got so much riding on this tour, he's invested so much in it, not just the plane..." It didn't bear thinking about.

"You're not ready for it."

But she was. And she knew it. "Yes, I am."

"You don't love him." He looked suddenly so young and so vulnerable. She wished she had waited for him, hut she hadn't.

"I'm not in love with him. I never was. He knew that. I told him about you, and he accepted it. But I do love him. He's been too good to me for me not to love him. I can't let him down now, Nick."

"And afterward? Then what? You're stuck with him forever?"

"I don't know, Nick. There are no easy answers."

"They're as easy as you want them to be," he said stubbornly.

"That's what I said to you two years ago, Nick, before you left. And you didn't listen to me either."

"Sometimes things seem more complicated than they are. We make them that way, but we don't have to," he said wisely.

"I married him, Nick, for better or worse. Whether I loved you or not. I can't abandon him, just because you say so."

"Maybe not," Nick said tersely, "but he'll abandon you one day, emotionally if not otherwise, when this is over. It's all for publicity. You'll see, Ca.s.s. I know it."

"Maybe. But until then, I owe him something. And I'm not going to break my word, or betray him. He is my husband. He deserves better than the two of us defiling him. I won't do it."

He looked at her for a long time, and then seemed to sag as the force of her words. .h.i.t him. "You're a good girl, Ca.s.s. He's a lucky man. I guess I've been a fool all along. I thought I was too old for you... and too poor... and too foolish. I was part right anyway." And then he couldn't resist a cheap shot, "How does it feel to be married to one of the richest men in the world?"

"No different than being married to you would have been," she came back at him quickly. "You're both spoiled boys who want everything your own way. Maybe all men are like that, rich or poor," she said, meeting his gaze, and he laughed at her. She hadn't lost her spirit.

"Touche. I wish I could be happy for you, Ca.s.s, but I'm not."

"Try. We don't have any other choice." She had to live up to the choice she'd made. For all their sakes. She was an honorable woman. He nodded then, and eventually they walked back slowly, holding hands in the starlit night and talking. He realized more than ever what a fool he'd been, but he had made his decisions for her, and look what had happened. Her father had been right. He had set her free, and she had married someone else. But Desmond Williams... he hated everything he knew about him. And he was convinced to his bones that he was using Ca.s.sie. And she was much too young and innocent to know it. He was forty years old and he could read Desmond like the front page of the New York Times York Times. And so far, Nick didn't like the headlines.

Ca.s.sie said good night to him on the front porch, and they didn't kiss again. And it was only after she had gone inside that Nick saw his old friend, quietly sitting in a chair and watching.

"Keeping an eye on me, Ace?" Nick asked with a tired grin, and sat down in a chair near him.

"I am. I told Ca.s.sie months ago I'll not have her defiling her marriage."

"She's not going to. She's a good girl. And I'm a fool. You were right, Pat."

"I was afraid I would be." And then, in the partnership among men, he was honest with his old friend, the boy who had been his protege in another war, a quarter of a century before. "The worst of it for her is that she still loves you. You can see it. Is she happy with him?" Pat Pat asked him conspiratorially. asked him conspiratorially.

"I don't think so. But she thinks she owes him everything."

"She owes him a lot, Nick. There's no denying it."

"And if she gets hurt?" Nick didn't want to say "killed" to her father. But it could happen, and they knew it. "What do we owe him then?"

"It's the risk we all take, Nick. You know it. She knows what she wants and she knows what she's doing. The only thing she's not sure about is you."

"Neither am I. I still wouldn't have married her by now. I didn't want to leave her a widow." He laughed emptily then. "I thought I was too old for her, but h.e.l.l, he's almost as old as I am."

"We're all fools. I almost didn't marry Oona thirty-two years ago. I thought she was too good for me, and my mother told me I was crazy. She told me to go for the bra.s.s ring. I was right. She is too good for me... but I love the girl... to this day, I've never regretted a single day of our marriage." It was more than he had ever said to her, and the advice was too late for Nick. For now anyway. But if Nick was right about Desmond tossing Ca.s.sie aside, maybe she'd be free again someday. It was hard to say now.

They sat on the porch together and talked for a long time, and Nick noticed when they stood up that Pat was a little breathless. That was something new for him, and Nick didn't like it.

"You been sick, Ace?"

"Ahh... nothing much... a little influenza, a little cough... I'm getting too fat, Oona's cooking's too good. I get breathless sometimes. It's nothing."

"Take it easy," Nick said with a worried frown.

"Tell yourself," Fat laughed at him, "shooting Jerries all day. I'd say you've got a lot more to worry about than I do."

Nick nodded, grateful for the things Pat had said to him about Ca.s.sie. "Good night, Ace. See you tomorrow."

Nick walked all the way back to his shack, and everything in it was dusty. He hadn't been home in a year, but it felt good to be there. Everything felt good to him, except the fact that Ca.s.sie was married. He still couldn't believe it. He lay in his familiar bed that night, aching for her, unable to believe that she belonged to someone else now... that sweet face... the little girl he had loved so much was no longer his, and never would be again. She was Desmond's. And as he fell asleep that night, the tears rolled slowly from his eyes and into his pillow.

17.

The weekend at home turned out to be difficult for both of them. Ca.s.sie made every effort to stay away from Nick, but their world was too small. And they kept running into each other everywhere, at the house, at the airport, even at the grocery store when she did some shopping for her mother. And he tried to be respectful of her, for her sake, if not for Desmond, but it was impossible. They wound up in each other's arms again the night before she left. It was the night of her twenty-second birthday. He'd had dinner with her and her family. And all through the meal, they were inexorably drawn to each other like magnets. They knew it was their last night to see each other, and there might never be another chance again. The very thought of that made them panic.

"We can't do this, Nick," she said after kissing him longingly. "I promised Dad I wouldn't. And I can't do it for me... or to Desmond." And the way the press followed her around, all she needed was a scandal. They had tried to get pictures of everyone at the airport today, but Nick had disappeared discreetly into his shack until the photographers left and then he emerged again, and she was grateful. She knew that Desmond would have been very upset to see Nick in the pictures. She hadn't told him Nick was home when she called him.

"I know, Ca.s.sie... I know." Nick didn't argue with her. He didn't want to hurt her. They sat on the porch and talked. Her parents had gone to bed an hour before but they hadn't said anything when Nick had stayed to talk to Ca.s.sie. She was leaving the next day and it was their last chance to be together.

"Are you sure you're ready for the tour? Billy says your plane is heavy as h.e.l.l."

"I can handle it."

He didn't argue with her about it this time. "Is your route safe?"

"It better be. Desmond works on it every night until midnight."

'That must be fun for you," he said smartly, and then he smiled at her ruefully. "d.a.m.n fool. You could have had Bobby Strong and be selling onions, and what do you do? You marry the biggest tyc.o.o.n in the country. Can't you do anything right, Ca.s.s?" he teased and she laughed. There was nothing laughable about it, but if they didn't laugh, they'd cry. Just in the few days that they'd both been in town, it was obvious to both of them that they were cursed with loving each other forever. Each time they met, or looked into each other's eyes, the power of what they felt for each other brought them closer. There was no escaping it. And Ca.s.sie realized now that it wasn't something time would change. She and Nick were part of each other. They always would be. There was no denying it anymore. She had never loved Nick more, and now she had to live with the agony of loving Nick and not wanting to betray Desmond.

But on this last night, they both knew this was was their only chance to be together, and perhaps their last one. He was returning to the war to risk his life again, and she was taking every chance possible, flying across the Pacific. It was too late for games, or even anger anymore. They just had to live with what they'd done. They had both been foolish, and they knew it. their only chance to be together, and perhaps their last one. He was returning to the war to risk his life again, and she was taking every chance possible, flying across the Pacific. It was too late for games, or even anger anymore. They just had to live with what they'd done. They had both been foolish, and they knew it.

"What are we going to do, Ca.s.s?" he asked unhappily, as they looked at a full moon in a starry sky. It was a perfect night to be in love, but their story was no longer simple. They both longed for the early days when they had spent hours together at the deserted airstrip. They could have done anything then. And instead, they had made such stupid choices, he to fight another war, and she to marry a man she cared for, but didn't love. She knew only too well that despite all her loyalty to Desmond, Nick was the only man she loved or ever would. Maybe one day it would change, but it hadn't yet, and she didn't think it would for a long time, if ever. She'd been kidding herself when she married Desmond, and now that she saw Nick again, she knew it.

"I wish I were going back to England with you," she said sadly.

"So do I. There are no women flying in combat over there. Not yet anyway, but the limeys are pretty open-minded."

"Maybe I should run away and join the RAF," she said, only half serious. She couldn't see how she was going to live her life now. In a way, she was grateful for the tour. At least it would keep her busy, and away from Desmond.

"Maybe I never should have gone in the first place," he said, surprising her totally. And listening to him worried her. If he lost heart now, he could get hurt. She had heard too many stories like that, of men who lost their girlfriends or their wives, and then got killed in action.

'It's too late to say that now," she scolded him, "you'd better pay attention to what you're doing."

"Look who's talking," he laughed, thinking of what she was facing in barely more than a month. The thought of her tour still worried him sick, as he invited her to take a walk with him, and they walked slowly from her parents' house toward the airport. It just seemed to act like a magnet for them. He told her what England was like for him, and she told him about the tour, and their route across the Pacific.

"It's a d.a.m.n shame the war won't let you do a proper one. I'd feel better than with those long stretches across the Pacific." But that was where the glory was right now, and they both knew that.

They were at the airport while they talked of it, and almost without thinking, they wandered toward the old Jenny. It was a warm night, and the moon was so bright, they could see easily across the airport.

"Want to go for a ride?" he asked hesitantly. She had a right to tell him to go to h.e.l.l, but they both knew she didn't want to. She wanted to be alone with him for a while, and forget her other life, and the fact that they had to leave each other again tomorrow. This time maybe forever.

"I'd like that," she said softly. And without another word, she helped him push the plane out, and do their ground check. They sailed into the midnight sky easily, with all the familiar sounds and feelings. But there was something different about doing it at night. They were in their own world up there, a world full of stars and dreams, where no one else could touch or hurt them.

He hesitated only briefly at the old airstrip where they used to meet, and brought the little plane down easily in the moonlight. And then he shut the engine off, and helped Ca.s.sie from the plane. They had no idea where they were going, they just knew they needed to be together now, in their own world, away from everyone. And here it was so peaceful. Without thinking, they both wandered toward the place where they used to sit and talk for hours. She felt so much older now, and so much sadder. Her brother was gone, and she had lost all hope of being Nick's now. It was here that he had kissed her for the first time, and told her he loved her. It was the day he had told her he was joining the RAF. And they'd been making bad decisions ever since then.

"Don't you wish you could turn the clock back sometimes?" she asked, looking up at him as he watched her sadly.

"What would you do differently, Ca.s.s? Then, I mean?"

"I'd have told you how much I loved you a long time ago. I never thought you'd care because I was just a kid. I thought you'd laugh at me." She looked beautiful as he watched her standing beside him.

"I thought your father would have me arrested." It was strange to realize now that Fat wouldn't have disapproved of him, and they had loved each other for so long. And now she was married to someone else, it was all so crazy.

"My father might have you arrested now," she smiled, "but not then, I guess." But she wasn't even sure he'd object now. He knew how much they loved each other, even though this was exactly what he had told her he didn't want her doing. But he had softened so much over the years. He was her closest friend now. Especially now that Nick was gone. Her father had been surprisingly understanding about everything she'd done. It still surprised her.

They walked over to their old familiar log, and the gra.s.s was damp. Nick took the old flight jacket off, and let her sit on it, and then he sat down beside her and took her in his arms and kissed her. They both knew why they had come here. They were grown-ups now. They didn't need permission, or have to tell lies. Not tonight at least. They were here because they loved each other, and needed something to take away with them.

"I don't want to do anything dumb," he said as she nestled close to him, and he worried about her. It was the same worry he had had about her when he left for England. But things were just different enough now to warrant the risk, and in an odd way, this time he almost hoped he'd leave her pregnant. Maybe then she'd have to leave Desmond.

And as she lay down beside him, and felt his powerful arms around her, as he kissed her, she wished the same thing. But within moments, their future paled in comparison to their present. She felt hot flames shoot through her as they kissed, and within minutes, her silvery flesh shimmered next to his in the moonlight. It was a night that neither of them would ever forget, and they both knew it would have to sustain them for years, maybe forever.

"Ca.s.sie... I love you so much..." he whispered tenderly, holding her, feeling her body next to his in the warm night air. She was more beautiful than he'd ever dreamed as they lay with their clothes scattered in the dew around them. "I was such a fool." He lay on his side, looking at her, carving each moment in memory. In the moonlight, she looked like a G.o.ddess.

"I was a fool too," she whispered sleepily, but right now she didn't care, as long as she could lie in his arms and be near him. This was all she wanted. For this one moment in time, this was all that mattered.

"Maybe one of these days, well both get smart... or lucky," he said, but he doubted it. It was all too complicated now. All they had was was this. Tonight. In the silver moonlight. this. Tonight. In the silver moonlight.

They lay side by side for a long time, and they made love again just before sunrise. They had both fallen asleep, and awoke in each other's arms, aching for each other in the balmy morning. The sun came up, smiling down at them, and this time he watched her graceful limbs kissed not by silver, but by the golden light of sunrise. And afterward, they held each other close for a long time, wishing they could stay there forever.

When they flew back to her father's airport, the sky was streaked with pink and gold and mauve, and they both looked peaceful as they tied down the Jenny. She turned to him then with a long, slow smile. She didn't regret anything they'd done. This was their destiny.

"I love you, Nick," she said happily.

"I'll always love you," he answered, and then he walked her back to her parents' house. They belonged to to each other now. Theirs was a bond that could not be broken. each other now. Theirs was a bond that could not be broken.

Her parents' house was quiet as they stood outside. It was still early, and no one was up as Nick held her in his arms, and stroked her hair, trying not to think of the future, or Desmond Williams. They stood there for a long time, not wanting to leave each other as he kissed her again, and she told him again and again how much she loved him.

He left finally when he heard her parents get up and move around. They had no regrets. They needed each other's strength to go back to their lives, with all the terrors and challenges they would be facing.

"I'll see you before I go," she promised him in a whisper, and then she pulled him close to her again, and kissed him on the lips with agonizing softness. He wondered how he would ever leave her again, or watch her go, especially knowing that she was going back to her husband.

"I can't let you go, Ca.s.s."

"I know," she said unhappily, "but we have to." They had no choice now, and they knew it.

He left her then and she walked slowly into the room she'd lived in as a child, thinking of him, and wishing things were different.

She showered, and dressed, thinking of Nick, and then she had breakfast with her parents. And as Nick had seen earlier, she noticed that her father was having trouble breathing. But he insisted it was nothing. And as soon as they were finished eating, her father drove her and Billy to the airport. She promised to call her mother frequently before the tour, and maybe even to fly back once more if she could. But she wondered if Desmond would let her. Seeing her father look so pale made her think she ought to.

Nick was in the office when they arrived, and he looked at her long and hard as they said good-bye, and then he walked out to their plane with them, chatting idly with Billy. But every moment, Ca.s.sie could sense him close by, she could feel the satin of his flesh on hers, and their exquisite pleasure. The real bond they shared was time and love and caring, but with pa.s.sion added to it, Ca.s.sie knew now that the flame of her love for him would burn forever.