With Han Geng @ Midnight c2 part3

Seeing the Light of Life

I believe that life won’t always be dark, that fate will always arrange some exits for you. We know them as dawn.

After a few times of extending the visa, I was the only one left of those who came to Korea with me……

Of course, I have friends who debuted. Kim Jaejoong and Jung Yunho who were from the same dormitory as me successfully debuted in 2004. They became members of “Dongbangshinki” and quickly rose to great heights in the entertainment industry. Everyone was chasing after this new group.

After they rose to fame, Kim Jaejoong and Jung Yunho came back to visit us once at the forms and brought us some gifts. Their arrival caused the dorm’s atmosphere to boil, the trainees crowded around Jaejoong and Yunho like a circle of admirers. Quite a few trainees even rushed to take a photo with them.

Of course, they cooperated with the junior’s admiration and told us of their heart aching course to success. When they spoke of emotional things, Jaejoong who always seemed cold before a crowd even shed tears. We would tell that he was trying his hardest to suppress yet he couldn’t stop the emotional tears from flowing. Every single person who came from being a trainee probably all have a stretch of hysterically sad experience.

Seeing people that were once my companions shine on stage, so handsome and cool, basking in the adoration of the ma.s.ses, receiving a never ending supply of presents, I was slightly envious but also proud of them.

Seeing the companions around me continuously stepping onto the stage they’ve always dreamed of, for countless times, I was anxious and hesitant, however the only thing I could do was to practice even harder and do my best to be myself. Constantly telling myself to not give up.

I’ve also seen countless members who were taken out of the lineup a few days before debut. I could do nothing but watch their emotions crash in a matter of days. From the initial smugness to helplessness and disappointment.

In a state where your fate was controlled by someone else, I gradually learned to be at peace and to face everything with an open heart. Just like how that sentence goes, the greatest hope is no hope.



Settling Down in the Crevice and become Invincible

Even when you’re lost, you have to protect the belief in your heart, because when there are shadows, there must be light.

Everyone all say that a person’s golden age is when you’re in your twenties. Yes, twenties, leaving hope, leaving your parents. How much scenery must one see before they can morph from ignorance to maturity? How much effort must one put in before he or she can become the person they want to be?

In the lightless days, all I could do was to improve myself with all I’ve got, only when I do that, can I become bolder and more confident.

Actually, my name once appeared on the list for “Dongbangshinki”, but due to various reasons, someone else took my place. I didn’t think much about this at that time, innocently believing that as long as I work hard, I should still have a chance.

I remember I was called out during practice by a dance instructor. He explained the situation to be, that a higher official in the company wanted to speak with me, telling me to follow the staff.

Later on, I was brought into an office by the stuff. On the way, my heart was beating fast, thinking, it shouldn’t be that my performance had been so bad recently that they wanted to “convince me to withdraw”? Thinking of that, my footsteps slowed and the guide had to pause for a while to wait for me.

The guide brought me to a manager’s office. I knew him. He was once an exceptional singer and now he was the top producer at SM Entertainment company. He successfully molded many famous artists. We all referred to him as senior.

Senior studied me for some time with an amiable expression on his face before speaking to me kindly and asked me many questions. I was very careful in my replies so much so that I appeared to be slightly timid.

After asking me many questions, he told me his intention.

He expressed that he was going to create a new group and was giving me a chance to become a member of this group.

When I heard this “good news”, I must admit that my heart raced for a few seconds. It felt like someone who lost his direction in a desert but suddenly came across as oasis!

Perhaps he saw my surprise or wanted to encourage me slightly, senior explained the reason why he chose me: “It was after midnight one day when I went back to the company to retrieve a file I forgot to take, when I was pa.s.sing by the practice room, I saw that there was a young man who was still practicing his dance steps, out of curiosity, I went to look, it’s your hard work that moved me. Later I checked your information and in the same cla.s.s of trainees, you’ve always been well ahead. You work very hard, and those who work hard will always be luckier than others. I’m planning to give this chance to you so you must do well!”

My tears actually fell when I listened to senior’s words. I wasn’t sure if it was that my hard work was finally acknowledged or because I was too excited and happy, all in all, I wasn’t able to stop the uncontrollable tears.

Sometimes I felt like success came so quickly that it caught me off guard; perhaps this was what senior meant by chances were always given to those who were prepared.

November 5th 2005, I officially debuted in a “Super Junior”, a large group targeted towards the Asian market with 11 local Korean boys!

The moment when I stepped onto stage for the first time, the excitement and happiness couldn’t be expressed in words. Facing the flashing lenses and bright lights, I overcame the fear in my heart and thoroughly enjoyed the screams and applause from the audience.

This type of sound had a unique charm, I felt that it was the most beautiful melody in this world.

After that, we had a few large-scaled performances and the reactions were all very strong. “Super Junior” took Asia by storm and lifted powerful dance to great heights. It was obvious that “Super Junior” was going to be one of the most popular group of the new generation, there were even reports giving us the t.i.tle of Asia’s top group. We continued to be awarded with prestigious awards not only in Korea but in the Asian music industry.

However, before the excitement of debuting waned, the cruel reality dosed me in cold water. I met an unexpected large obstacle quickly……



Performing with a Mask

Korean television stations have regulations where as a foreign artist, the person can only be signed on to three television stations and his face cannot appear on other stations. For a group that has just debuted, the more exposure means reaching a wider audience. In the entertainment industry where new faces pop up frequently, the stage is the key to retaining popularity!

Our first public performance resulted in investigated by the relevant departments and the company was fined heavily.

As I was the first foreigner to debut in Korea, the company didn’t know how to solve this problem at that moment, neither could they find a way to tackle this.

At this moment, the company, the manager and my group mates all panicked. I was a.s.signed an important position in the group and if someone were to take my place, no one can do it quickly, all the recording, formation, music had to be rearranged. Those were impossible to do in a short time.

What I had on my mind then was: “I’m done for, just began and I’m blocked, can’t perform, what to do!” The manager was driving in front and I was crying behind. I cried really hard as I looked at the night view of Korea outside the car, thinking, unless it was going to end just like this? The manager didn’t interrupt me, even tried to comfort me, but the more he tried to comfort me, the harder I cried.

When we got back to the company, the other members were all nervously practicing for the performance the following day. Only I returned to the dorm alone. The silent dorm was void of any noise. I didn’t turn on the light and the darkness was terrifying. It was so silent that I could hear the echoes of my breathing. I felt like a child abandoned by the entire world, no one knew my pain and no one could heal my wounds. When I was on the brink of breaking down, another voice kept reminding me: “You can’t give up because of something as minor as this, you should buck up because the world is waiting for you to conquer it!”

In the callings of this kind of positive energy, I cheered up and allowed my mind to whirl, soon, I thought of a solution.

When everyone was badly battered by how busy they were, I actively provided a solution: “It’s just that I can’t show my face, so as long as they can’t see me, there shouldn’t be too big of a problem, I can wear a mask and perform.”

After listening to my suggestion, my manager asked me seriously if I was decisive. He cautiously said: “You’d be wronged, are you really okay with that?”

I replied firmly: “Can’t have me dragging everyone down. We practiced for so long, every song, every dance, they’re all our blood, sweat, and tears. How can I watch everything go to waste without doing anything? It’s okay, just do it like this, I can wear a mask for tomorrow’s performance.”

After listening to my words, my manager came over and embraced me before encouraging me, saying: “Han Geng, good job!” Later, all my members came together and we embraced before loudly calling out: “Fighting!”

November 19th 2005, on location at Korea’s KM television station, on Super Junior’s stage, in the position of the lead dancer, I was there on stage with a black and silver mask.

The mask was brought over impromptu by a staff. When I put it on, there was still an unpleasant smell on the mask. Perhaps someone else wore it for a performance and it hadn’t been disinfected or cleaned yet. I didn’t think too much then before putting it on and going on stage. After the performance, the unpleasant smell was so strong that I felt suffocated.

On the road to my dreams, the more people tried to block me, the harder I worked. It came to a point where I gave my all to showcase the best me in every performance.

After that, before every Super Junior performance, everyone would shout together, fight on! To encourage and cheer me on, the members would also cheer me on individually.
I really felt wronged then, but with the support and encouragement from my group members, I felt that it was worth it. As long as the members needed me, the stage needed me, no matter how wronged I was, I’d still persisted to perform on stage.

Later on, I wrote this mask and persisted on my performance on the different Super Junior stages.

With the growth of Super Junior’s popularity, I gained a large group of fans who supported me. Everywhere we went, there will be these fans. Some were pa.s.sionate, some were quiet. There was also a group of very thoughtful fans who wanted me to experience the taste of home so they specially asked Chinese international students to bring a lot of food from China to me. Their warm care and concern constantly gave me the strength to persist.

Many people thought my actions weren’t worth it, and with the rise in my number of fans, they raised an objection towards SM company. The company only decided to use a stand-in under the heavy pressure.

The encouragement and support of the members and the fans allowed my energy to multiply. Even during the days when I felt anxious and that everything was hard to bear, when I saw and heard their encouragement, the boundless will to fight was reignited.

Actually, your twenties aren’t just a period of time in our life. It’s also a state of mind, a strength of will, no matter how many difficulties we face, we can conquer with our persistence and hard work.