Wilson's Tales of the Borders and of Scotland Volume VII Part 11

We wish we could describe the look of amazement with which the laird listened to this extraordinary outpouring of law and Latin--this flourishing of his own weapons in his face. He was perfectly confounded with it. It was a thing so wholly unexpected and unlooked for, to meet with so accomplished a lawyer as Drumwhussle seemed to be in one of his own cla.s.s and standing, that it was some time before he could say another word on any subject whatever. He was evidently struck with a feeling of mingled respect and awe for his learned neighbour, who, he perceived, had decidedly the advantage of him in the article, Latin--this being a language with which the laird was not at all conversant. Another consideration occurred to the laird, even in the moment of his first surprise. This was, that, should a difference arise between them, he had found in his new neighbour a foeman worthy of his steel; and that, should they remain friends, they might be of service to each other as legal advisers.

In the meantime, the "interlockitor," as the laird would have called the series of legal sentiments which Drumwhussle had just delivered, was far beyond the reach of his comprehension. He did not understand a word of it, and neither could anybody else, we suspect; but, careful of exposing his ignorance--

"Aweel, Skimclean," he said, looking very gravely, "I'm no sure but ye're richt, and it may be as weel, after a', to let the trees stan whar they are; but there's a bit land there," pointing to a patch of about an acre and a-half, which lay low on the side of a small stream, "that I wadna advise ye to c.r.a.p; for there's no a year that it's no three months under water."

"Ah ha, laird, but that's a _plusk.u.m_,"[5] replied the vivacious and acute Skimclean; "a case whar the owner o' the land is liable to the extent, at ony rate, o' remittin a year's rent. It's a _plusk.u.m_, laird--that's Latin," added Skimclean, who always gave such intimation to his auditors when he employed that language; from a shrewd suspicion, probably, that it would not otherwise be readily recognised in the very peculiar shape in which he presented it.

[Footnote 5: Plusquam tolerabile.]

"Aweel, I daur say ye're no far wrang there either," replied the laird, now perfectly overwhelmed with the legal knowledge of his new neighbour.

"I daur say ye're no far wrang there either, but it's best to be cowshous;" and, having delivered himself of this safe and general sentiment, the laird looked wiser than ever, and shook his head with an air of great intelligence. Hitherto, Scouthercakes, as the reader will have observed, had made no display of his legal acquirements. He had been too much taken aback by the sudden and unexpected effulgence of those of Skimclean; but it was by no means his intention to allow the latter to remain in ignorance of them. Availing himself of an early opportunity, he discharged a volley of law terms at Skimclean, in which the words Rejoinder, Multiplepoinding, Reclaimer, and, above all, the phrase, "Revise the Condescendence," sounded most audibly; the latter being an especial favourite of the laird's, who used it on all occasions, on all matters indifferently, and, as everybody but himself thought, almost always in the most absurdly inappropriate cases and circ.u.mstances.

The effect on Skimclean, again, of the discovery of the laird's legal knowledge was pretty similar to that which the latter had experienced in similar circ.u.mstances, only that there was in the case of Drumwhussle a secret feeling of superiority over the laird, in the matter of intimacy with the science of the law. He, in short, considered the laird's knowledge respectable, but his own considerably more so. Now, the laird also, after his first surprise at his neighbour's acquirements had worn off a little, began to think Skimclean fully more apt and ready than profound. He considered his own depth, on the whole, rather greater.

Each, thus, while certainly honouring the legal knowledge of his neighbour, enjoyed, at the same time, the comfortable conviction that he was the superior man.

Having thus come to an understanding regarding each other's character, and this having given rise to a friendly feeling on both sides, their interview terminated in Drumwhussle inviting his new acquaintance into the house, to partake of a little refreshment--an invitation which the latter graciously accepted; looking forward to a feast of quiet, deliberate legal discussion with his learned friend.

On entering the house--indeed, previous to entering it--Mr Guidyill was struck with the singular neatness and good order which everywhere prevailed--a point on which his inviter prided himself, and so much pleased was he with it, that he could not refrain from openly expressing his approbation.

"A' accordin to law, Skimclean," he said, looking around him with a complimentary air of satisfaction; "a' accordin to law, I see."

"Ay, ay," replied his host, perfectly understanding the laird's metaphorical laudation, and smiling complacently; "we aye try to keep things in as guid order as possible. I look after everything mysel, and see that a's done as it should be. That's the true way, laird."

"Nae doot o't, nae doot o't," said the latter. "Naething like revisin the condescendence, Skimclean--eh!" he added, with an intelligent look.

"Right there, laird," replied Drumwhussle, "as honest Donald Quirk.u.m, the writer, ance said to me whan I consulted him anent a point o' law, in the case o' Drumwhussle _versus_ Camlachie. 'Drumwhussle,' said he, 'Drumwhussle'----But I'll tell ye a' about it presently, laird," said Skimclean, suddenly interrupting himself, to perform the duties of hospitality towards his guest; "step ben, step ben." And he ushered the laird into a little sitting-room in the back part of the house.

"Now, laird, what wull ye drink?" inquired Drumwhussle. "Wull ye tak a drap o' cauld straik, or wad ye hae ony objection to a warm browst?"

"Weel, if equally convenient, I'll vote for the toddy," replied the laird.

"I second the motion," said Skimclean, now proceeding to a closet in a corner of the room, from which he shortly emerged with his arms and hands loaded with bottles, gla.s.ses, jugs, and decanters, and all the other paraphernalia requisite for the occasion. These arranged on the table, flanked by an enormous cheese, and hot water supplied from the kitchen, Drumwhussle commenced brewing _secundum artem_; and having produced the desiderated beverage, handed over half a gla.s.s to the laird, for his opinion as to its merits. The laird tasted, gave a short suffocating cough, and, speaking at such intervals as the stifling affection afforded--

"Re-revise the--the con-condescendence, Skimclean. Revise the--the condescendence. It's far owre strong."

"It micht hae a waur faut, laird," replied Drumwhussle, "an' it's ane that's easy mended," he added, filling up the jug with hot water. "Taste him now, laird."

"Accordin to law," replied the other, emphatically, after smacking off the half-gla.s.s submitted to him. "Accordin to law at a' points as accords. Just the thing now, Skimclean."

The liquor thus approved of was immediately subjected to the process of consumption, which its merits were so well calculated to insure for it, and this at such a rate that the consumers very soon began to exhibit, in their own persons, rather curious specimens of the effect of strong drink on the animal economy. They began to speak thick and fast, and both at the same time; their conversation chiefly turning on the various actions and law proceedings in which they had from time to time been engaged.

It was during this confabulation that Skimclean informed his guest of a certain law-plea in which he was at the moment involved, and in which he was ably supported by the astute Donald Quirk.u.m, already alluded to.

"The case, ye see," said Skimclean, "the case, ye see, my frien, is jist this:--In the place whar I was last, Craignockan, ane o' my laddies had a bit gemm c.o.c.k, a bit steeve fechtin wee beastie, yea, a deevil o' a cratur. Aweel, ye see, it happened that our neebor the schulemaster had anither, o' whilk he was sae proud that he seemed to think mair o't than o' his wife. It was beyond a' doot a wonderfu' bird. His son brought it--so at least he said--frae Sumatra, in the East Indies--something o'

the jungle-c.o.c.k, or Jago c.o.c.k species, _gawlus giganteus_[6] ye ken--ye'll maybe no understand the Latin."

[Footnote 6: Gallus giganteus.]

"Deel an' it may choke ye, as the _gallows_ has dune mony a better man!"

interrupted the laird. "Purge the record o' a' bad Latin! Ha! ha!

Drumwhussle, I ken guid Latin frae dog-Latin or c.o.c.k Latin, just as weel as ye do. Purge the record, man, I say."

"Let me alane, man," replied Drumwhussle, impatiently; "ye interrupt my story wi' your sc.r.a.ps o' misapplied learning. You should never insinuate an ill motive in English. Do ye no ken lawyers never use the words 'bad intention' in designating vice: they veil a' enormities in Latin--for the craturs are sae pure an' delicate-minded that they couldna bear the expression o' man's frailties in the vulgar tongue; _maelice prepense--maelice prepense_ is the term you should hae used, man. But letten that slip gang--for I excuse ignorance whar knowledge is so difficult o' attainment--the c.o.c.ks were brought face to face, an', like true lawyers, they closed--no the record, for the craturs despised a'

condescendence o' grievances; they fought upon the mere libel an'

defence: a craw on each side _vivy vocey_; and till't they gaed wi' a pluck seldom witnessed out o' the Parliament House. The upshot may be easily predicted: weight, substance prevailed just as in the courts o'

justice--the 'midden,' a pound heavier than the Sumatra jungle-c.o.c.k, killed his opponent in five minutes; and Jock, lifting up the victor, that crew a n.o.ble triumph in his arms, hurried awa, an' left the dominie's c.o.c.k lying a mere _kappit mortum_--like an interlocutor that's allowed to become feenal because nae man can mak either head or tail o't--on the ground, a corp, or, as Quirk.u.m ca'ed it, a _corpus delichtfu_."[7]

[Footnote 7: Corpus delicti.]

"Capital, capital," cried the laird. "We'll hae a plea, I hope, on the ground o' damage. A better case for 'plucking' never came before the fifteen."

"Ay, and that wi' a vengeance," resumed Drumwhussle. "Though the c.o.c.k's plea was feenal, a _sleeping_ or _dead case_, as lawyers ken, may produce twenty living anes. The dominie valued his c.o.c.k at the price o'

twenty guineas; he was to have been the _pawter_ o' a new breed (he said) that he intended to produce in Scotland; an' the expense o'

bringing him frae Sumatra alane was at least the half o' that sum. Like a st.u.r.dy litigant--gemm to the heels--I resisted the demand o' damage, an' took my ground on the instant--alleging _preemo_, that the c.o.c.ks fought _sowy sponty_;[8] and, _secundo_, that the slaughtered c.o.c.k was a mere 'blue ginger;' and thus throwing the _onus_ o' proving the contrary on the back o' the dominie."

[Footnote 8: Sua sponte.]

"A n.o.ble device," shouted the laird; "famous pleas in law. Even Corporal Jooris[9] himsel could na hae ta'en his position better. But proceed, proceed. I'm deein to hear the issue. Oh, that that plea had been mine!

The chancellor's wig wad hae bobbit owre't; for they say there's nae stoure in it, as in the mealy, muddy _scratches_ in our Parliament House. Come awa wi' the soul-stirring intelligence."

[Footnote 9: Corpus juris.]

"Ay, an' _pouch_-stirring too," rejoined Drumwhussle. "Weel, the dominie was as guid gemm as his c.o.c.k, an' awa he hied to Paisley, an' put the case into the hands o' that clever deevil o' a cratur Jobbit, who, _instanter_, sent me a summons, containing a preamble o' nineteen pages, an' a conclusion o' three--seventy-five words a-page, according to my calculation. I declare the screed made my vera een reel, it was sae masterfully Latineezed, turned, interwoven, an' crammed wi' 'saids' and 'foresaids.' It set forth the said dominie as 'greeting' to the sheriff for the loss o' his c.o.c.k--a maist cunning an' loyal device o' Jobbit's, wha dootless had an ee to the case going before the depute, an' then it went on to narrate" (Drumwhussle drew out a copy of the summons) "that 'the complainer had commissioned the said bird or c.o.c.k--along with a female--which was of the species _gallus giganteus_, from the island of Sumatra, where it is known by the natives of that island by the scientific, or vulgar, or common appellative of _ayam bankiva_--all as appeareth from Temmink's History of c.o.c.ks--and that the complainer's intention or object, in so commissioning the said birds from that distant region, was, that he might introduce into our country the breed, which was supposed to be more full of blood and spirit than our own breed of poultry, and had, moreover, the advantage of producing more eggs--insomuch as the female laid all the year through, while the flesh was whiter and more highly-flavoured, approaching, in this respect, to that of the pheasant; that the expense of bringing the said birds from Sumatra was ten guineas sterling; that the complainer had, by dint of great ingenuity and perseverance, got the said birds naturalised as completely as if they had been natural-born subjects of this realm, and was on the very eve of reaping the fruits of his patriotic labours--the fame of a breeder of a new species of poultry, and the emoluments of a vender or seller of the same to the farmers and bird-fanciers of the kingdom--when David Drumwhussle, tenant of Craignockan, actuated by _malice prepense_, or by envy, or by fear that his own breed of poultry (of the common or dunghill species) would be displaced and superseded by the other and superior kind, or by some other motive or feeling, implying _dolus_, did stir up and excite his son, John Drumwhussle, for whose acts and deeds--being a minor, and not _forisfamiliated_--he was liable, to bring--_vi aut clam_--his the said David Drumwhussle's c.o.c.k, and his the said complainer's, into a pugnacious att.i.tude and position, and to instigate the same to mortal combat, whereby the said c.o.c.ks having engaged _secundum suam naturam_ in a lethal _duellum_, did fight till his, the complainer's, was left in the field dead; that the primary consequence of this premeditated act was, that the female was rendered mateless, unproductive, and useless, insomuch as her cohabitation and society with c.o.c.ks of this country would never be the means of producing the species of _gallus giganteus_; the secondary, that the complainer was deprived of a source of legitimate gain; and the tertiary, that the country of Great Britain lost the superlative advantage of an improved breed of poultry.' Thae are the premises."

"An' fine premises they are," replied Guidyill. "Jobbit never laid an egg mair certain o' producin a weel-feathered bird for the lawyers."

"Ye're richt, laird, sae far," replied Drumwhussle; "but ye've yet to learn that it had twa yolks--twa law-pleas cam out o't. But ye'll hear.

I needna read the conclusion--a' in the ordinary form, ye ken:--therefore it ought and should be found and declared, and so forth; and that I should be decerned to pay twenty guineas as the value of the c.o.c.k, and damages sustained for the loss of his expected progeny."

"Weel, weel, the defences, the defences," cried the laird, in eager expectation. "Ye wad state the defence on the merits first, I fancy, an'

then the preliminary ane."

"The cart afore the horse, ye fule!" answered Drumwhussle, chuckling. "I despised a' dilatory pleas, man: I cam to the marrow at ance, an'

instructed my agent, Mr Kirkham, or Quirk.u.m, as he is generally styled, for his exquisite adroitness an' cleverness, to use the very highest flicht o' his inventive fancy--to consult Erskine an' Stair, an' even Corporal Jooris--to dive into the Roman p.a.w.ndecs[10]--the deegest--the discreets--every authority, in fack, he could think o'--no forgetting c.o.c.k on Littletun; and send me a draft o' the defences _siny mory_.[11]

He did so, and oh, such a beautiful invention! They set forth, as a kind o' flourish afore the real tug o' the tournay, that the libel was a big lee frae beginning to end; that the pursuer's c.o.c.k was, even in his ain showing, an alien cratur, an' no ent.i.tled to the richts o' natural-born subjects; that he interfered wi' the queens o' the seraglio o' my winged potentate--making love to them, crawing to them, an' displaying his gaudy wings to them, as if he were lord o' a' the feathered creation; that the defender's c.o.c.k, acting upon the weel-ascertained richt o'

defending conjugal property, slew him, on the strength o' the English case, Jenkins _versus_ Lovelace, where a husband was found justified in taking the life o' ane wha made love to his wife. In the second place, it was denied _simpleeciter_ that the c.o.c.k was o' the species _gawlus giganteus_, being a mere 'blue ginger'--worth five shillins--o' the auld breed o' Scotland, whilk cam frae the stock named by the Greek play-writer, Mr Arrantstuffanes, 'the Persian bird.' We thus threw the hail _onus proovandy_ on the back o' the dominie, an', by my faith, he fand the weight o't!"

[Footnote 10: Pandects.]

[Footnote 11: Sine mora.]

"A n.o.ble defence--jist exactly what I wad hae written," e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed Guidyill, in ecstasy. "Weel, ye wad revise the condescendence after that, I fancy?"

"Before it was written, man?" responded Drumwhussle. "Na, na; ye ken little aboot thae things. The dominie was ordered to condescend on what he undertook, and offered to prove in support o' his libel, then we answered, then he revised, then we revised, then he re-revised, then we re-revised, then he made an addition, which we answered by a corresponding addition, equal to a re-re-revision."

"Hurrah!" cried Scouthercakes.

"Then the record was purged, then closed, an' then we set to proving--for the proof was conjunk and confident--wi' a' the spirit o'