Why Marry? Part 61

[_resumes fanning_]

Discussing the marriage problem. [_General rejoicing and relief._] Sssh!

Not so loud, you might interrupt them.

JOHN

[_nodding knowingly_]

Cold feet! Knew he'd lose his job.

LUCY

The disgrace. She couldn't face it.

THEODORE

No, conscience. A deep religious nature.

[_They all think it over a moment, each sure of his own diagnosis._

JOHN

[_turning to JUDGE with amus.e.m.e.nt_]

So! Decided the soul-mate theory wouldn't work in practice, eh?

THEODORE _and_ LUCY

And they agree to marry?

JUDGE

[_stops fanning_]

Marry? My, no! Nothing like that. They think less of marriage than ever now! Helen is using woman's sweet indirect influence on Ernest in there at this moment!

[_All start toward the house impulsively, but on second thoughts they all stop._

JOHN

Then how on earth did you get them back!

JUDGE

[_lighting cigar_]

Oh, perfectly simple, I promised Helen you'd apologize to Ernest; promised Ernest you'd apologize to Helen. [_To LUCY._] Promised both you'd arrange a nice little family party for 'em. They bear no grudge.

They're too happy.

LUCY

[_horrified. Indicates table_]

The family party--for _them_? Horrors!

JUDGE

[_tossing away match_]

Yes, here in your happy home. [_The others turn on the JUDGE indignantly._] Well, don't jump on _me_. I tell you they positively decline to elope until after they tell the whole d.a.m.n family.

Considerate of them, I say. You don't deserve it, if you ask me.

JOHN

[_incredulous_]

Tell the whole ... see here, are they crazy? Are _you_ crazy? Do you think _I'm_ crazy?

[_Impetuously turns toward the house, a man of action._

JUDGE

[_stopping JOHN_]

Wait!... You've already done your best to destroy your sister--but you've utterly failed. They have done nothing wrong--_as yet_. Why, they are the finest, truest, n.o.blest pair of lovers I ever met! Now, aren't they, Theodore?

THEODORE

I can't say that I call Helen's ideas of marriage "n.o.ble," exactly!

JUDGE

[_grandiloquent_]