Why Marry? Part 10

Yes from Aunt Julia in Reno. Not used to travelling without me; knew I'd worry. Thoughtful of her, wasn't it? [_Puts on gla.s.ses._] A night letter. Much cheaper; your Aunt Julia was always a frugal wife. Besides, she never could keep within ten words. [_Reads._] "Arrived safely.

Charming rooms with plenty of air and sunlight. Our case docketed for March 15th. Wish you were here to see the women in Divorcee Row--overdressed and underbred." Rather neat, eh? "Overdressed and underbred." "I should love to hear _your_ comments on the various types." Now, isn't that sweet of her? Well, you know, I always _could_ make her laugh--except when I made her cry. "Write soon. With love.

Julia." Now [_folds telegram_], isn't that a nice message? From a wife suing for divorce? You happily married people couldn't beat that.

[_Pats telegram and pockets it tenderly._

JOHN

[_like a practical business man_]

But if there's no other woman, no other man--what's it all about?

JUDGE

She likes her beefsteak well done; I like mine underdone. She likes one window open--about so much [_indicates four inches_]; I like all the windows open wide! She likes to stay at home; I like to travel. She loves the opera and hates the theatre; I love the theatre and hate the opera.

THEODORE

Stop! aren't you willing to make a few little sacrifices for each other?

Haven't you character enough for that?

JUDGE

We've been making sacrifices for twenty-five years, a quarter of a century! Character enough to last us now.... Why, I remember the first dinner we had together after we were p.r.o.nounced man and wife, with a full choral service and a great many expensive flowers--quite a smart wedding, Lucy, for those simple days. "Darling," I asked my blushing bride, "do you like tutti-frutti ice-cream?" "I adore it, dearest," she murmured. I hated it, but n.o.bly sacrificed myself and gave her tutti-frutti and gained character every evening of our honeymoon! Then when we got back and began our "new life" together in our "little home,"

my darling gave _me_ tutti-frutti and indigestion _once a week_ until I nearly died!

LUCY

But why didn't you tell her?

JUDGE

I did; I did. Got chronic dyspepsia and struck! "_You_ may adore this stuff, _darling_," I said, "but I hate it." "So do I, dearest," says she. "Then why in thunder have you had it all these years, _sweetheart_?" "For your sake, _beloved_!" And that tells the whole story of our married life. We have nothing in common but a love of divorce and a mutual abhorrence of tutti-frutti. "Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one!" It has been the dream of our lives to get apart, and each has n.o.bly refrained for the other's sake. And all in vain!

JOHN

Bah! All a cloak to hide his real motive. And he knows it!

JUDGE

[_after a painful pause_]

I may as well confess. [_Looks around to see if overheard. Whispers._]

For over twenty years I--I have broken my marriage vow! [_LUCY drops her eyes. THEODORE aghast. JOHN wags head._] So has your Aunt Julia!

THEODORE

No! not that!

JUDGE

Well, we solemnly promised to love each other until death did us part.

We have broken that sacred vow! I don't love _her_; she doesn't love _me_--not in the least!

JOHN

Rot! A matured, middle-aged man, a distinguished member of the bar--break up his home for that? d.a.m.ned rot!

JUDGE

Right again, John. That's not why I'm breaking up my home. I prefer my club. What does the modern home amount to? Merely a place to leave your wife.

LUCY

Of course, it doesn't matter about the poor little wife left at home.

JUDGE

Wrong, Lucy, it does matter. That's why I _stayed_ at home and was bored to death with her prattle about clothes and the opera, instead of dining at the club with my intellectual equals, picking up business there, getting rich like John, supplying her with _more_ clothes and a whole _box_ at the opera, like yours, Lucy.

LUCY

[_shoots a glance at her husband_]

Oh, that's the way you men _always_ talk. It never occurs to you that business, business, _business_ is _just_ as much of a bore to us!

JUDGE

Wrong again! It did occur to _me_--hence the divorce! She couldn't stand seeing _me_ bored; I couldn't stand seeing _her_ bored. Once we could deceive each other; but now--too well acquainted; our happy home--a hollow mockery!

THEODORE

You ought to be ashamed! I love my home!