What a Young Husband Ought to Know Part 6

Mrs. E. B. Duffey, in her book ent.i.tled "The Relations of the s.e.xes,"

says: "Do not be in too great haste to brush the bloom from the fruit you covet. It will lose half its attractions at once. Practice in lawful wedlock the arts of the seducer rather than the violence of the man who commits rape, and you will find the reward of your patience very sweet and lasting. This bud of pa.s.sion cannot be forced rudely open. Its development must be the work of time. If the young wife is met with violence, if she finds that her husband regards the gratification of his own desires more than her feelings--and if she be worn and wearied with excesses in the early days of her married life, the bud will be blighted. The husband will have only himself to blame if he is bound all his life to an apathetic, irresponsive wife. It is easy to imagine the unsatisfactory conjugal relations which are brought about in punishment of the husband's early impetuosity and ignorance. He finds an unreciprocal wife, doubts her affection for him, because, with his masculine nature, he cannot conceive of a love unblended with pa.s.sion.

She, in her defrauded womanhood, feels aggrieved and debased by any conjugal approach--especially by an enforced one--and finds it equally hard to understand how affection and pa.s.sion can be united; the one she knows to be so self-forgetful and denying, and the other she has such abundant cause for believing utterly selfish and rapacious."

The excesses which are likely to follow after the earliest experiences of married life are also to be cautiously guarded against. The author whom we have just quoted says: "I will venture to say that there is not one man in fifty who in the first years of his married life is not guilty of s.e.xual abuse towards his wife, which effect is alone sufficient to account for the great prevalence of female diseases. Not that every woman is injured by it to the extent of inflammation and ulceration, yet many are. I am not running a tilt against married men. I blame them for no intentional wrong--only for ignorance. And women are also equally to blame in this matter. They are just as ignorant as their husbands, and often allow themselves to yield to demands or importunities when, if they were to consider it a conscientious duty to refuse, they would do so.

"The tender, delicate organs of generation in women are often abused to such an extent by too frequent use that they become inflamed and ulcerate, and render the woman an invalid. Even the husband does not see the cause or measure the extent of his folly, but persists in his selfish course in spite of the sufferings he causes his wife, constantly aggravating her disorders, and rendering them more and more hopeless of cure. Thus the husband, kind and attentive in all other matters--who would not allow the winds of heaven to visit the cheek of his wife too roughly--becomes, in this one respect, a very--I was about to say brute; but the animal creation presents no parallel case, so I find no appropriate word in comparison."

In his book ent.i.tled "The Transmission of Life," Dr. George H. Napheys, in writing upon this subject, says: "The consequence is that in repeated instances the thoughtlessness and precipitancy of the young husband lay the foundation for numerous diseases of the womb and nervous system; for the gratification of a night he forfeits the comfort of years. Let him, at the time when the slow-paced hours have at last brought to him the treasures he has so long been coveting, administer with a frugal hand and with a wise forethought. Let him be considerate, temperate, and self-controlled. He will never regret it if he defer for days the exercise of those privileges which the law now gives him, but which are more than disappointing if seized upon in an arbitrary, coa.r.s.e, or brutal manner.

"The husband should be aware that while, as a rule, the first conjugal approaches are painful to the new wife, and, therefore, that she only submits and cannot enjoy them. This pain should not be excessively severe, nor should it last for any great length of time--not more than one or two weeks. Should the case be otherwise, then something is wrong, and if rest does not restore the parts a physician should be consulted.

It is especially necessary that great moderation be observed at first, an admonition which we the more urgently give because we know it is needed, because those specialists who devote their time to diseases of women are constantly meeting patients who date their months and years of misery from the epoch of marriage."

The pain and inconvenience to which the doctor refers in the preceding paragraph is oftentimes due to the presence in young wives of what is known as the hymen. This is a thin membrane which nature places near the lower extremity of the v.a.g.i.n.al pa.s.sage to protect the delicate linings of the reproductive organs of the female against the admission of any foreign substance, exposure to cold, or any other influence which might tend to the injury of the reproductive nature. With the growth of the body this membrane sometimes acquires such consistency or strength that the rupturing of it is attended with inconvenience, and oftentimes with much pain. This fact alone should render a young husband very considerate, dispa.s.sionate, and thoughtful.

The pain attendant upon the rupturing of the hymen is not so much due to the sensitiveness of the membrane itself as the fact that it adheres to the walls of the v.a.g.i.n.a, and any lateral pressure brought to bear upon the hymen imposes such a tension where the hymen is attached to the walls of the v.a.g.i.n.a as to produce, in some instances at least, intense pain. The rupturing of the hymen is often attended with a small quant.i.ty of blood, sometimes scarcely perceptible, and at other times more considerable.

It was at one time thought that the presence of the hymen was an unmistakable evidence of virginity, and its absence was regarded as a cause for suspicion, if not a proof, of previous s.e.xual relation. While it is true that in most virgins the hymen does exist, yet we do not have the slightest hesitation in saying that it does not exist in all. It may be ruptured and destroyed by a slight accident during childhood, is sometimes even destroyed at birth; in abnormal cases it may need to be destroyed mechanically by the family physician in order to remove it as an impediment in the more easy flow of the monthly period.

Mrs. E. B. Duffey, in "What Women Should Know," when writing of the test of virginity, says: "It is popularly believed that the husband receives proof, upon the consummation of his marriage, of the previous chast.i.ty of his wife. If he obtains this evidence it is safe to accept it as conclusive, though rare exceptional cases are to be met with in which the evidence counts for nothing. If, on the other hand, the proof is wanting, it is most unjust and cruel, on the strength of this alone, to charge a wife with want of chast.i.ty previous to marriage. It is not uncommon for accidents, which may occur at any time, and which may even date back to birth itself, to destroy this evidence, or it may never have existed."

Dr. Napheys says: "The presence or absence of the hymen is no test.

There is, in fact, no sign whatever which allows even an expert positively to say that a woman has or has not suffered the approaches of one of the opposite s.e.x. The true and only test which any man should look for is modesty in demeanor before marriage, absence both of a.s.sumed ignorance and a disagreeable familiarity, and a pure and religious frame of mind. Where these are present he need not doubt that he has a faithful and chaste wife."

It is important for young husbands to know that when a serious inconvenience is experienced in the consummation of marriage, if not easily removed by care and consideration, but remains an impediment or a pain for a period of days, or of a couple of weeks, medical advice and a.s.sistance should by all means be sought. In the case of women who have advanced in years before marriage such difficulties often occur, and medical a.s.sistance is the safest, most sensible and speediest source of delivery.

We cannot pa.s.s this point without seeking to impress upon the young husband the danger liable to result from the use of wine and other stimulants upon the occasion of his marriage. One of the most terrible afflictions which can come to any home is the birth of an idiot, and if the statements of medical authority are to be relied upon, the birth of these unfortunate burdens to their parents is due to their conception at a time when either the husband or the wife, or both, were under the effects of stimulants, and the temporary idiocy of an inebriated man or woman has been transmitted and permanently embodied in the begetting and birth of a child that has been robbed of its rights by the wrongs of its parents, who have pulled down upon their own heads one of the most awful and prolonged curses which could be suffered as a result of a human mistake.

Note also carefully the fact that the exhausted physical condition of the bride is sure to result in an enfeebled offspring, should conception occur before she has regained her physical powers. It is possible that the exhausted physical condition of young brides, and that the excessive indulgence which is likely to follow the earlier months of marriage, either one or both, are largely the chief cause, or causes, of the frightful mortality among first-born children.

The joys of the newly-married are not only noticeable, but very beautiful. The outgoings of human affection are as beautiful and impressive as the relation of the birds that don their brightest plumage, sing their sweetest songs and build their nests in the springtime, when the mating instincts and emotional nature of the birds reach their highest and most animate expression. A young bride, in conversation with one of her intimate friends, in alluding to her happiness, said: "It is too good to last." The fact is, that this intensity of reproductive activity must give place to corresponding rest-periods of considerable length, or depletion and death would ensue as the inevitable result. The wave not only cannot, but it should not always remain at its crest, but it must subside and sink, in order that it may regain itself and rise on the crest of a new wave of emotional activity.

The pleasures of married life can only be heightened and perpetuated in a home of your own. The newly-married should always live apart by themselves, wherever such a course is at all possible. Living with the parents of either party is generally disadvantageous, and life in a hotel or boarding-house is not only undesirable, but dangerous.

Birds never live in a boarding-house, neither should married people. To the newly-married it is a place of special disadvantage and danger. They need to be alone, rather than under the constant gaze of the curious. In such a place both are exposed to the constant a.s.saults of gossips, the wife is compelled to live in idleness, is a prisoner in her own room, is exposed to perils innumerable, and jealousies and alienations are likely to be engendered. A boarding-house is no place for the newly-married, who have a right to expect that lawful and honorable marriage may result in parentage. Any medical pract.i.tioner can testify to the number of young wives who have besought them to murder their unborn children because they were "boarding," and it was "not convenient to have a family."

A modest little home of your own is always best. If that is not possible, then rent a house, but do not start in a pretentious and extravagant way. Live within your means from the beginning. Do not bank upon the future. If you do not save money at first, the probabilities are that you never will. Debt is a terrible incubus. It will take the color out of the cheek of your wife, it will despoil the husband of pluck and energy and hope. It will cast over the prospect of coming years the dark shadow of despondency and despair. Cheerfully submit to such self-denials as will enable you to save something from your income.

Join a good and safe building a.s.sociation, and if you cannot buy an humble home at once, plan to do so as early as possible. Plan for your needs and comforts, rather than for display and wretchedness. Home happiness is found in contraction, and not in expansion. A large house with many rooms requires the presence of many servants. These irritate, bring constant annoyance to the wife, who should be carefully delivered from undue anxiety; and they also impose large outlays of money, for which neither the husband nor the wife receive many returns, unless it may be the empty satisfaction of "what our friends will think." If you really wish your friends to think well of you, be governed by sense and not by sentiment.

For the sake of health, of present and future happiness, and the well-being of your children that are to be, both the husband and the wife should be industrious. His daily occupation and her daily duties will prove ministers of mercy to each. Idleness for either is a misfortune. Discontent, dissatisfaction and divorce, one or all, are always born of idleness.

Perhaps one of the happiest moments in your life will be when you step into a house which you can call your own home, and for the first time sit down at your own table. If you wish to perpetuate that joy, see to it that you are attentive, devoted, given to a verbal expression of your affection and an appreciation for every effort made by your wife to render your home attractive, your food palatable and your life enjoyable. Let her know that you appreciate every effort that she puts forth, and as the months and the years go by do not think a repet.i.tion of praise would become an offending monotony to her. A wife never ceases to love the expressions of admiration, appreciation and affection upon the part of her husband.

If you start out with a struggle to determine whether the will of the wife or the will of the husband shall have preference and pre-eminence, you may reasonably expect contention and strife for all the rest of your life. Let each seek to surpa.s.s the other in consideration, deference, and even self-denial, and the light and the joy which break upon your home in the beginning will abide to the end.

CHAPTER XI.

THE YOUNG WIFE AND MOTHERHOOD.

In a previous place we have spoken of the importance of industry and activity as important elements in a young wife, and as essential in securing success for the family, happiness in the home, and bodily health and vigor for the wife. An idle woman is always an unhappy woman, and she eventually succeeds in making every one unhappy about her. Her household duties are no misfortune, but a blessing.

But there is also another side to the question. Unthoughtful husbands do not always appreciate the magnitude of the duties which fall to the successful homemaker and homekeeper. Her duties are legion. We do not now speak of the wives who live in affluence, who never need to regard expense, who have only to indicate their wish in order to have it executed; but of the great mult.i.tude of wives and mothers who preside in the homes of the great middle cla.s.s and of those who struggle with the economies and duties in homes of small means. The young husband should appreciate the fact that if the beautiful poetry which adorns the tombstones in our cemeteries could be translated into truthful prose they would tell of the thousands of martyrs to mending, sewing, baking, scrubbing--they would tell that the weapons by which hundreds of these housekeepers were slain were the broom, the sewing-machine, the cradle and the ladle. The Thirty Years' War was not so severe or so prolonged as the warfare which is waged from early morning till late at night by the great army of industrious wives, busy mothers and anxious homekeepers. If the boy has lost his book or the girl her bonnet, mother must help to find it. If the baby coughs or cries at night the father sleeps on oblivious of the fact, but the infant cannot stir without being heard by its anxious and attentive mother. If sickness compels, she bends in anxious vigils over the little life that lies in the cradle. If the breadwinner is brought home sick, it matters not how manifold the duties of the mother, no trained nurse can take the place of the wife at the bedside. In health and in sickness, in prosperity and adversity, during the day and at night, the wife and the mother finds herself the centre of duties, and very often of exactions.

In the demands which a young husband makes upon the young wife he should remember what are her duties and requirements during the day, in the home, in the church, in society, in the community; he should remember that physically she is the weaker vessel, that even when in her best physical condition s.e.xual inclination is largely dormant, and when she is weary and worn she deserves to be treated with more than usual thoughtfulness and consideration.

Whatever demands the young husband makes upon his wife, whether as his helper or the partic.i.p.ant of his joys, he should remember that even from the low standpoint of selfish interest and personal pleasure he wrongs himself, in addition to being unjust and oftentimes cruel to his wife, when he fails to take into consideration her physical condition and manifold duties.

If the young husband and wife desire to be permanently happy they dare not ignore the special purpose for which G.o.d inst.i.tuted marriage. While marriage has other purposes, yet the great final purpose is the raising up of a family and the perpetuation of the human race. The injunction which G.o.d gave to Noah, when he said, "Be ye fruitful and multiply, bringing forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein," is to-day, and ever will be, in force. Among the Israelites barrenness was regarded as one of the greatest of misfortunes. In many instances it was regarded as a cause of personal shame, and even of dishonor. When Hannah went up to the Temple and prayed for a son she was only giving expression to the longings and desires which filled the heart of every barren Israelitish woman who had entered into the sacred bonds of marriage, and when G.o.d promised Abraham and Sarah that their seed should be in mult.i.tude as the stars in the heavens they regarded themselves as the recipients of one of the greatest blessings which G.o.d could bestow.

The same is true in India, where the people are polygamists in theory, but seldom in practice, except when the first wife is childless. The family must not be left without a priest, or the parents without descendants; therefore the husband is permitted by law to take two, or even more, wives, in order that he may raise up children unto himself.

If marriage was inst.i.tuted for the good of the man and the woman who enter into this sacred relation, their highest good cannot be attained in this relation until their union is blessed with children. It has been aptly said that the man needs the woman and the woman needs the man, and both need the children. The obligation to have children is not only enjoined in the Scriptures, but written in the physical, social and moral const.i.tution of man and woman. This law is "rooted in the unconscious law of life which bids us perpetuate our kind; which guards over the conservation of life." "Love looks to marriage and marriage to offspring as a natural sequence." Any entering into the bond of marriage with the resolved purpose of avoiding the begetting and the bearing of children const.i.tutes a union which accepts l.u.s.t in the place of love, and converts the honorable estate of marriage into a form of legalized prost.i.tution.

An earnest writer aptly says: "I must counsel husbands and wives to cherish the hope of becoming parents, and to let their hearts stand in a holy att.i.tude in this respect. You should allow neither moderate income, financial pressure, sensual pleasure, nor evil forebodings, to cause you to entertain unholy thoughts or induce you to engage in criminal proceedings in this matter. No child should be considered an unwelcome intruder in the home. The heart of the home is the cradle; it is the cementing tie between husband and wife. G.o.d intends that husbands and wives should become parents; and no pure woman nor honorable man will enter upon matrimony with intentions to the contrary. If they do, G.o.d will visit upon them degraded morals, ruined health, financial loss, or other terrible inflictions. The world has millions of faithful wives and mothers, but there are thousands of childless wives who are so because they entered into that black crime of conspiring with the devil to prevent them from being mothers. They regard children as an unmitigated nuisance, and consequently darken, blast and d.a.m.n their own lives with an act of murder. On the other hand, G.o.d blesses the mothers, in that he prolongs their days and brings up their children to reflect glory and honor upon them."

Dr. Guernsey says: "The object of marriage is the ultimation of that love which brings the two together and binds them together in the procreation and rearing of children for heaven. This is the only true aim and sole object about which every earthly desire, interest and plan of the married pair should cl.u.s.ter. No greater crime in the sight of heaven exists to-day than that of preventing the natural use of marriage. This is done in a great variety of ways, every one of which is criminal, in whatever form practiced; and none will escape the penalty--no, not one. Nature's laws are inexorable; every transgression, therefore, is surely punished, even at the _climacteric period_, if not before. The questions of failing health, or physical inability, or too frequent conceptions are matters for the investigation, advice and decision of an experienced, judicious and upright physician. They should never be taken in hand and judged upon by the parties themselves. And to the objection 'Can't afford to have children--they cost too much,' I have faith enough to reply, 'Our heavenly Father never sends more mouths than he can feed.' Let each one do his and her duty in life, and this cavil falls to the ground--which, when spilled, cannot be gathered up.

"Good people everywhere rejoice when they behold a married couple living together in an orderly manner and rearing a large family of children.

How often is Queen Victoria held up as a pattern of excellence in this respect. She accepted and acknowledged Prince Albert as her husband and gave herself to him as his wife; and so indeed she was in every sense of the term. Although a queen, sitting on the pinnacle of power, she did not seek to avoid the pangs, the dangers or inconveniences of bearing children. By her own personal strength her twelve children were brought forth, and her own sensitive fibres and tissues felt the suffering. She nursed, caressed and loved them like a good mother, and she was a _royal mother_! Other kings and queens have done likewise; other husbands and wives, high in power, wealth and fashion, have done and are still doing the same. And how much the less should we, in the humbler walks of life, obey the divine command, 'Be fruitful and multiply'? If a husband truly loves his wife, and if she truly loves him, they will live for each other and in each other, and they will be one; and they will seek to do right in every particular of their marital relation."

We believe that every thoughtful man and considerate husband will concede that motherhood may not justly or properly be forced upon a resisting wife. That many wives do refuse to bear children, no well-informed person can deny. Sometimes the reasons a.s.signed are unworthy of womanhood, base and ign.o.ble. At other times the reasons a.s.signed by the wife are worthy of the most thoughtful consideration.

But whether the reasons which the wife entertains are honorable or dishonorable, correct or criminal, it must nevertheless be acknowledged that she is a free moral agent, and if she a.s.sumes the responsibility of declining one of the main purposes for which marriage was inst.i.tuted she must herself bear the responsibility. To designedly inflict conception upon an unwilling and resisting wife the husband makes himself guilty of great injustice, invades the personal rights of his wife as an individual, and is guilty of a great wrong.

Where a wife is unwilling to become a mother, the best way for a husband to move her mind properly in this matter is to bring her under the influence of such books and teachings as will help her to understand her duty and obligation in this matter; help her to see that this is one of the great purposes for which marriage is inst.i.tuted, and that where childbearing is intentionally and persistently evaded it becomes a crime against man and against G.o.d.

Many wives are not willing to consent to become mothers because they are unwilling to give up society; they prefer to live for the rounds of fashionable life. With others there is a dread of childbearing. This is not so common in brides or newly-married women; but with many, after they have given birth to one child they are unwilling ever to consent to a similar struggle. Had these young wives been made intelligent by their mothers, and been properly instructed upon these subjects before marriage, and lived according to the laws of hygiene and health during the period preceding the birth of their child, their experience might have been very different, and they would never have had the dread which comes to so many. There are good books upon this subject, and those who live hygienically and properly will find the terrors of childbearing greatly mitigated; indeed, they may be almost wholly alleviated. There are those who contend that childbearing may be rendered practically painless, and those who desire information upon this subject would do well to read the book ent.i.tled "Maternity Without Suffering," which is worth many times its cost.[A]

[A] "Maternity Without Suffering," by Dr. Emma F. A. Drake. Cloth binding. Price fifty cents. Published by the Vir Publishing Company.

There are other women who dread the care and rearing of children, and there are still others whose aversion to childbearing is wholly due to their false ideas of life. To us, one of the saddest sights is a woman with a p.r.o.nounced G.o.d-given mother-instinct who is unwilling to bear children, or, if she is the mother of children, is not willing to care for them, but thrusts them from her, committing them wholly to nurses and attendants, and then allows the mother-instinct to find its expression in petting a cat or mothering a dog.

No married woman should refuse to become a mother because of its perils.

Statistics go to show that more unmarried women between the ages of twenty and forty-five die than of married women. G.o.d designed woman for motherhood, fitted her for its physical requirements, and her largest happiness, best health, greatest usefulness and longest life is attained by conformity to this divine purpose. Among the greatest sufferers in this world are the large numbers of those who have sought to defeat the purposes of G.o.d and have brought upon themselves untold misery.

Obedience brings blessing. It is not only the end, but "the _way_ of the transgressor" that is hard.

Parenthood is also essential to the rounding out of the moral nature.

That which is n.o.blest and best in woman's nature is awakened and quickened when for the first time is folded to her breast a new life which is a part of herself. The child will teach her to be unselfish, to live for the happiness and well-being of another. Its government and discipline will awaken in her mind the principles which she desires to instil into the mind of her child, and as she gathers her little ones about her, tells them of G.o.d and heaven, and teaches them to lisp their infant prayer, her religious nature will attain unto a perfection and beauty which would not be possible under any other earthly influence.

The thoughtful and judicious wife also recognizes the fact that the presence of children in the home will exert an influence over the father which will refine, benefit and bless as no other influence on earth can.

The little ones that reach out their hands in dependence toward him will inspire him to energy and effort in a higher, holier and n.o.bler way than could ever be done by any commercial consideration. The n.o.blest and most considerate manifestations of the father nature can in no other way be called into so full and beautiful an exercise as by the presence of children in the home. If the love for his children and the desire for their well-being and blessing do not teach him larger lessons of self-denial than he has ever known before, he will demonstrate that he is incapable of feeling the influence of the most potent incentive which G.o.d has permitted to come into human lives.

But the children will have an effect not only upon the parents individually, but they will bless both by drawing the husband and wife into a closer bond of sympathy and affection than would be possible under any other conditions. It has aptly been said that children are golden links that bind the husband and wife in a bond of closest endearment. They also serve as a buffer to break the jars of family life. These little ones awaken the best qualities in the natures of both parents. They enlarge and round out those qualities which would otherwise remain dwarfed and prematurely die. They afford a purpose in life for the father and mother, such as can be found in no other object upon earth.

In the study of their own children parents have an opportunity to learn human nature as they can learn it nowhere else. When their children are old enough they will criticise, suggest, and often help the parents to correct faults which would otherwise go unnoted and which could be properly criticised by no one else. It is the absence of this help which children bring into the home which oftentimes renders childless married people more faulty than others who have the advantage of such help. In times of trouble and trial the children will be prepared to comfort and sustain their parents. In times of sickness they will come with their sympathy and a.s.sistance, and when advancing years and the infirmities of age come they will be prepared to comfort and sustain their parents, and in their declining years afford them a refuge and a home, and when death comes they will shed the tear of sympathy and over their graves will plant the flowers that shall bloom in beauty and fragrance.