What a Young Husband Ought to Know Part 5

No man, we care not how indifferent he may be to the effect upon himself or to the comfort of his wife, can be so insensible to the effect of his own life in determining the character, happiness and destiny of his children, as to be indifferent to the consideration of the results of the use of tobacco upon his descendants. You may often have noticed that men and women of good physique, and apparently enjoying the best of health, become the parents of weak, nervous and sickly children. It would be both unjust and untrue to a.s.sert that in every such instance the result could be accurately traced to the use of tobacco, but the evidence that tobacco is the real cause can be established in at least _some_ instances. Many a child of inferior physical and intellectual capacity has been defrauded of its larger endowment because the father who begot it was addicted to the use of tobacco. If the teachings of the most reliable medical authority upon this subject are to be accepted, it would be possible to select from any community the finest physical and intellectual specimens of men and women and let them both become addicted to the use of tobacco, and then marry among themselves, and in a single generation or two their descendants would fall far below the physical and intellectual average of the children of other parents who do not use the weed in any form.

The subject of intemperance we have fully treated in the preceding volumes of this series, and we must refer the reader to them in that place, especially the book addressed to young men. Liquor is not only a curse to the individual who uses it, but it wrecks the health and happiness of the wife and curses their yet unborn children. It not only affects their morals, health and intelligence, but where the children are not born imbeciles or idiots they often inherit the appet.i.te for drink and become depraved and drunken to the third and fourth generation. The great minds which have shone in the intellectual firmament of the past, or brighten and bless the present generation, were not begotten of parents who were given to excess and dissipation.

Many a man whose descendants might have been l.u.s.trous and happy, owe their enfeebled minds and blighted happiness to the indiscretion and excess of the parents who brought them into the world. When G.o.d designed to raise up a Samson he said to the mother: "Thou shalt conceive and bear a son. Now, therefore, beware, I pray thee, and drink not wine, nor strong drink, and eat not any unclean thing, for the child shall be a Nazarite unto G.o.d from the womb, and he shall begin to deliver Israel out of the hands of the Philistines." The same laws of heredity exist to-day, and they cannot be ignored without imperiling the health and the happiness of those who are to come after us.

If you love your wife or value your own happiness, let us urge upon you the duty of fidelity. This is a duty that you owe to your wife in the same proportion that she owes fidelity to you. G.o.d has made but one standard of integrity and virtue, and this is enjoined alike upon men and women. G.o.d says, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." He does not say women shall not, or that men shall not. There is no discrimination between men and women.

The word "thou" means the person who reads or hears--the person addressed, whether male or female, young or old, king or peasant, high or low, learned or unlearned, rich or poor, white or black, bond or free. It is alike binding upon all, without abatement or modification, regardless of s.e.x, race, cla.s.s or condition, and without reference to time, place or circ.u.mstance.

What is true of this commandment is also true of them all. G.o.d has not made one set of laws for men and another for women. Neither does He excuse or condone in men what He condemns in women. He holds both alike answerable to the same unerring standards of social and moral purity.

Whatever may be the att.i.tude of those who entertain lax moral views, society has no right to condone in man what it condemns in woman. What is wrong for her is wrong for him, and infidelity or unfaithfulness is a crime in either.

In addition to the moral wrong there is also the great physical risk.

The unmarried man who leads a life of vice, to some extent, at least, only imperils himself; but the married man imperils his wife and his children in addition. The most reputable physicians can bear ample testimony to the frequency that women apply to them for relief from aches and ills suffered by themselves and their children, the nature and source of which these wives do not suspect, and the terrible and ineradicable nature of which they are totally ignorant. Such is the terrible punishment inflicted by guilty husbands and fathers upon their innocent and unsuspecting wives and children. Hundreds of cases might be named; but let us give a single ill.u.s.tration, narrated to us by one of the most eminent physicians of this country, whose name and residence are not essential, as somewhat similar instances come frequently to the attention of physicians.

A young man of a wealthy family, who had been a couple of times treated for gonorrha, married a beautiful bride in a prominent and wealthy family. A couple of weeks after his marriage he came to the physician with one of those small sores called a chancre, which is the unmistakable evidence of the presence of syphilis. Careful investigation disclosed the fact that at the time of his marriage he had a concealed chancre, and which, although unknown to himself, had nevertheless been communicated to his bride. The treatment was prompt and of the most skillful character, but serious results were speedily manifest. The primary sore was followed by its secondary results. Sores appeared upon the different parts of her body, the mucous membrane was affected, and every hair upon the entire person of the wife fell out. She did not have left so much as eyebrows, eyelashes, or even hairs in her nose, and, as in some instances after a serious attack of typhoid fever, months were necessary before the hair started again to grow. When it did grow it returned coa.r.s.e and wiry, and when about an inch or inch-and-a-half long it very much resembled goat's hair. It could not be combed--nothing could be done with it. She looked like a fright--was an astonishment to her friends and an embarra.s.sment to herself.

With no knowledge of the terrible nature of her disease, it was difficult to induce her to persist through months for a period of at least two years in taking her medicines. At intervals during the years that followed she gave premature birth to children, which, whether born dead, or living for a day or two, were ma.s.ses of disease and corruption. After four or five of such miscarriages she finally gave birth to a child that at the time of its coming into the world seemed healthy. Not long after the birth of this child the family removed from the community, and the physician was unable to note the effects of the inheritance which no child under such circ.u.mstances could possibly escape.

While this case was impressive, it was by no means exceptional. We have learned of instances where persons of unbounded wealth have communicated the syphilis to their wives, and all the skill which wealth could command has not been able to eradicate the disease or deliver the unhappy sufferers from the consequences of the criminal unfaithfulness of the guilty husband.

But there are consequences less manifest to the eye, but no less deadly and destructive in effect, which come to the innocent and unoffending wife as the result of the vice and unfaithfulness of her husband. One of the most eminent physicians of Philadelphia, in conversation with the author, a.s.sured us that the effects of gonorrha, or clap, which are suffered by the wives is something alarming. Even where the husband has not communicated the disease while it was active in himself, but where the intending husband may have supposed that he was entirely cured of gonorrha for a period of two years or more, he may yet communicate the lurking remnants of that disease to the v.a.g.i.n.a, the effects soon extending up into the womb, out through the Fallopian tubes, oftentimes reaching the ovaries and necessitating their removal, making it necessary to uns.e.x the woman in order to save her from the wretchedness and misery which are inseparable from the death which they so often preface.

An eminent pract.i.tioner in New York, when addressing the last annual convention of the State Medical Society, called special attention to the prevalent effects which wives suffer as the result of gonorrha contracted by their husbands, and said that a few years ago it was his custom, when women with certain symptoms came to him for consultation, to request a private interview with the husbands in order that he might discover whether past unfaithfulness since marriage or a life of vice prior to marriage was not the cause of the trouble. He said that latterly, however, the best medical authorities were agreed that it was not necessary to subject the husband to this trying inquisition, for the symptoms and conditions which established the correctness of the diagnosis were a sufficient proof of the source of all the wife's troubles. Thousands of husbands who bemoan the fact that their wives are complete physical wrecks are themselves the authors of the ruin which has been wrought.

Nor is this all; fathers have often carried the disease home, and by the use of towels have communicated the virus of the disease to the eyes of their children or some member of the family, from which total blindness has come as the inevitable result. We learned of one instance in which the father communicated the disease to his entire family, including several small children, who took their bath in the same tub, but in different water, after the father had bathed.

For a fuller unfolding of the awful consequences of the diseases which accompany vice we must refer the reader to the book "What a Young Man Ought to Know," from page 93 to 153. All that has there been said in favor of a chaste and pure life can be enjoined with even greater emphasis on those who are married.

But what if a guilty husband and father could escape the dangers of disease, the detection by his wife, and could even escape the lashings of his own guilty conscience, which will smite with sevenfold force as the years advance, yet how terrible for him to remember that transmission is the law of heredity, and that a licentious father is the legitimate predecessor of a vicious child. Is it comforting for a father to antic.i.p.ate with certainty that all the vices which have corrupted his life, blighted his home and debased his moral nature are to be transmitted to his offspring? How shall he, in the after years, when his own children go wrong, be comforted with the thought that what they are he was, and that what he desires them to be is what he himself should have been. Julia, the daughter of Augustus, was as bad as her father, and gave birth to a child of equally strong propensities. These are the influences which have not only destroyed the happiness of homes, but have wrecked the destinies of nations. By the love you bear your wife, by the love which you have for your children which are and which are to be, by the respect which you have for yourself and the fear that you should have for your G.o.d, by all that is sacred in marriage and in home, by all that is desired in this world and in the world to come, we plead with you, for your present, future and eternal good, that you maintain your marriage vow inviolate.

PART II

CONCERNING HIS WIFE

CHAPTER IX.

THE BRIDE.

We now come, in Part Second, to consider what a young husband ought to know concerning his wife. In this chapter we desire to speak of what he ought to know of his wife while she is yet a bride. As soon as the minister has p.r.o.nounced them husband and wife she is as truly the wife as she is later on, and we only use the word "bride" in that commonly accepted sense which refers to the earlier days and weeks of her married life.

We cannot enter upon the thought of this chapter without being conscious of the fact that doubtless thousands of young men will turn to these pages for information concerning the marriage relation who have themselves not yet entered the marriage bond. There is nothing in this book which a young man of mature years may not properly know. Indeed, every young man of mature years ought to possess the information which this volume contains. But we are also conscious of the fact that many young men who are engaged to marry, or are already married, will turn to these pages expecting to find here some means of deliverance from the results of mistakes which, in his lack of knowledge, he has already made. As we enter upon the duty of telling the young husband what he ought to know concerning his bride, we feel the importance of saying that the information which he gathers from these pages will be but partial, unless he has the information concerning woman contained in the preceding volume of this series.

In telling a young husband what he ought to know concerning his bride, it is especially important that he should first understand the nature and purpose of the reproductive organs, the right relation of man to woman, and the correct teachings concerning marriage; and for the unfolding of these subjects we must refer the reader to Chapters VII., VIII. and IX. in "What a Young Man Ought to Know."

In addition to what we have said in Chapter III. of this volume, in reference to the physical, intellectual, moral and s.e.xual differences between men and women, it is necessary now to call the attention of young husbands to the fact that in woman there exists less s.e.xual desire and satisfaction than in man.

Perhaps of the great majority of women it would be true to say that they are largely devoid of s.e.xual pleasure. In regard to the intensity of the s.e.xual instinct, women might with some accuracy be divided into three cla.s.ses. The first cla.s.s, which includes the larger number, is generally supposed to be quite devoid of s.e.xual inclination and feeling. The condition of this cla.s.s may be accounted for in three different ways. In some it is the result of ill health, produced by lack of sufficient exercise and outdoor recreation; because of excessive social demands, late hours, indigestible food, the enervating and exhaustive effects of novel-reading, and especially also of tight lacing, with all of its sad effects in debilitating and displacing the s.e.xual and vital organs which are located in the pelvic and abdominal cavities. If women could but realize what pleasures might be theirs, if they would only live in a rational way, there would be but few men and women left to ask the question whether marriage is a failure.

Another cause of s.e.xual indifference in a large cla.s.s is found in the fact that some regard the existence of pa.s.sion in women as derogatory to their s.e.x. There are wives who pride themselves upon their indifference to the conjugal relation. They speak of their coldness and indifference as though it were a virtue, instead of a defect. The fact is, they are simply proud of their deficiency. With this, as with the proper exercise of every other bodily function, G.o.d has a.s.sociated satisfaction and pleasure. The reception of food, which is to sustain and nourish life, is attended with pleasure. Seeing and hearing are attended with pleasure. The exercise of all of our bodily senses is designed to bring us pleasure and a sense of satisfaction. The exercise of the reproductive function is attended with great cost physically, financially, and in every way, and G.o.d has meant that to this great sacrifice man shall be prompted by a pleasure which shall be correspondingly great. G.o.d has designed that the act of reproduction should be recognized both as a duty and a pleasure, and the feeling which prompts to the perpetuation of the species is as proper as that which inclines the individual to the preservation of his own life or health. There can be no doubt but that in conception G.o.d has a.s.signed an important office to inclination and sensation, for while authorities are agreed that conception may take place without attendant emotion upon the part of the female, yet the result is more a.s.sured, and the product of such a union is of a higher standard when both persons partic.i.p.ate in the pleasures which invite to its consummation. This s.e.xual indifference upon the part of the wife may sometimes be largely due to the fact that she and her husband are illy mated, physically, morally or socially; or because differences of education and divergence of views have produced that lack of harmony which has, at least measurably, blighted the affections.

There can be but little doubt that much marital indifference upon the part of wives is due to chronic constipation, which is so prevalent among women.

Another cause of this indifference upon the part of some wives, and this is a very small cla.s.s, is due to malformation, local obstruction, because of an imperfect rupturing of the hymen, or, in rare instances, to a disease known as vaginismus, rendering the act not only devoid of pleasure, but possessed of actual discomfort and suffering. Where these conditions exist, prompt and competent medical a.s.sistance is needed for local treatment and judicious advice.

The second cla.s.s is composed of women who find in the marital relation a moderate and normal pleasure when they are in health, and if indulged in at times which are agreeable to them, and at suitable intervals. This cla.s.s represents, doubtless, those women who are more normal in this respect than those who belong to either of the other extremes. They const.i.tute the middle cla.s.s, and probably the largest number.

The third cla.s.s represents the few in whom s.e.xuality presides as a ruling pa.s.sion. This cla.s.s is by no means as numerous as some might imagine, and such women should never be married except to men of good health, strong physique, large powers of endurance, and with a p.r.o.nounced s.e.xual inclination. When a man with only moderate s.e.xual inclination is united to a woman of this cla.s.s it is a question which is more to be pitied, the husband whose wife is totally devoid of s.e.xual instinct, or the man whose wife is s.e.xually insatiable. While there are a few women of this cla.s.s, yet the rule remains that in man the s.e.xual instinct is more p.r.o.nounced than in woman, and that man const.i.tutes the active and aggressive division of the human family; for while a certain female may possess a more p.r.o.nounced s.e.xual nature than a certain male, yet in her s.e.xual nature she is not as p.r.o.nounced as the most active male.

While among all species the male is the more active and aggressive, yet any one who has given attention to the reproductive act among animals will have noticed that in no instance can the male force this relation upon the female without her acquiescence, and in most instances the time of copulation is wholly determined by the condition of the female. It is only when she is in condition to conceive that she will receive the male, and at those periods her condition inspires him to the act. We cannot but believe that this is also intended to be the rule among human beings, although, strange to say, the wishes of the wife are oftentimes wholly ignored, and she submits reluctantly, or is wholly overborne by the exactions of an inconsiderate or brutal husband.

If this subjugation of the wish and the will of the wife to the will of the husband is the result of the curse p.r.o.nounced upon Eve, "Thy desire shall be to thy husband," the chastis.e.m.e.nt of woman has been truly severe, for no sorer punishment could well be inflicted than to be deprived of the right of ruling over one's own body, and being placed in subjection to the capricious will and exacting demands of an unreasonable husband. If the wrongs which wives suffer in this respect are the result of the fall of our first parents, we should nevertheless rejoice that now the spiritual and material blessings which have been restored by the Second Adam are also to be shared by woman, and in all the world no other person should be so anxious to crown her with the fullness of her natural rights as the man who will by such an effort vindicate the n.o.bility of his own manhood and secure for himself the largest blessing and happiness, because he is her husband.

Not only is the reproductive nature of woman less p.r.o.nounced than in man, but its continuance in her is of a much shorter duration. At about forty-five years of age, and in some very much earlier, the reproductive nature of woman undergoes those changes which render conception and childbearing impossible. At that period her s.e.xual nature takes upon itself modifications which are more p.r.o.nounced than those experienced by the male when a somewhat similar s.e.xual hush comes to him. The character of these changes, and what they involve both to the husband and to the wife, are treated at length in the fourth volume of this series addressed to men at forty-five, and it is well that young husbands should know what the future has in store for them, and so regulate their married life that the later years may bring them the largest possible good and blessing.

The effect of the s.e.xual relation upon newly-married men and women is oftentimes very noticeable. Sometimes those who previously seemed hearty and strong lose their bloom and vigor and become emaciated and miserable. Sometimes the reverse is the case. Especially among women, there are noticeable instances where the family heredity is good, no organic trouble exists, and yet the individual is wholly miserable, and after marriage speedily develops into a strong and hearty woman.

There are some who improve somewhat in health, but who avoid parenthood, and thus defraud themselves of the acquisition of perfect health. These cases, however, are rather the exception, and so much is involved in marriage that no man or woman can afford to take such serious risks, because exceptional instances do rarely occur. Yet the fact remains that there are some who are weak and worried and restless before marriage who become hopeful, restful and strong after marriage; while others, who were well situated and contented in their sphere, accept, in marriage, conditions which result in producing a nervous, despondent and restless disposition.

If the marital relation of these people could be accurately known the cause of these noticeable changes might oftentimes be found in the moderation maintained by the one cla.s.s and the excessive s.e.xual indulgence the cause in the other. s.e.xual excess is quite common among married persons. In the husband it results in the destruction of physical power and in the weakening of the intellect as well. Force used in this way is not available for use intellectually, and the consequent effects unfit for study, mental activity, and oftentimes for all kinds of business. It renders the husband nervous, morose, and uncompanionable. The man who is guilty of excess not only destroys his own capacity for pleasure, but is alike unjust to his wife. He renders her incapable of marital pleasure, and also renders her incapable of bringing to him the satisfaction which he seeks. Such a husband destroys the amiability of his wife, renders her weak and nervous, converts her into an invalid, and imposes upon himself large financial outlays for medical advice and attendance. Such a husband deliberately, but not always knowingly, consumes and destroys the physical qualities which made the wife attractive to him, and destroys the very foundation upon which all happiness in the home must rest. Excessive s.e.xual tendencies among men are generally the result of early self-pollution, later illicit relations, reveling in vile stories, nude pictures, the reading of suggestive novels, the polluting of the imagination, and incorrect ideas of the proper relation in marriage. Thought is allowed to dwell too much upon these subjects, the flow of blood to the s.e.xual parts becomes excessive, and the only remedy is by purifying the mind, correcting the ideas, resolutely determining to be moderate and considerate, removing all causes of undue s.e.xual excitement, resorting to the bath, being judicious in the diet, giving due consideration to physical culture, and taking such an amount of exercise daily as is calculated to secure the best physical results and most effectual s.e.xual mastery. The man who needs to be helped in the direction of moderation would do well to confide in his wife that her influence over him may be helpful and corrective, for in this, as in other things, a discreet and considerate wife is her husband's best balance-wheel.

CHAPTER X.

THE CARE OF THE BRIDE.

Few young husbands are intelligent guardians of their brides. Indeed, when first entering upon the marriage relation, young husbands are in danger of making some very serious mistakes. Many a husband has had cause to regret that in his lack of consideration he has allowed his pa.s.sion to awaken in his wife such a feeling of disgust as to obliterate her affection for him, to blast the prospects of all future happiness, and render both himself and wife miserable throughout all their subsequent years.

In the first place a young husband should know that many women, even at the time of their marriage, are totally ignorant of all questions relating to s.e.x. There are some women who do not so much as know that there are any physical differences between men and women. There are others who may know there is some difference, but into whose minds the thought of coition has never once entered. While this may not be true in a majority of cases, yet it is true in a large number of instances. We have even known of young wives who have approached the period of their first confinement who did not know the cause of their increasing bodily size; and we recently learned of an instance where the physician was already in the room to attend the expectant mother, who thought that she was to be delivered of her child by a surgical operation. She thought that the doctor was to make an incision in the abdomen, and remove her child in that way.

To say that all this is culpable ignorance does not, however, remove the fact. Young husbands do well to recognize the fact that such ignorance exists, and that, in addition to such possible ignorance upon the part of his own bride, there is that general condition of exhaustion and debility which follows as the result of the weeks of preparation and nervous excitement which have preceded and culminated at the time of the wedding festivities. We have already dwelt upon this phase of the subject, and we need not enlarge upon it here. With the poor it is weeks, and sometimes months, of sewing and preparation. With the rich it is the meeting of social exactions and requirements, formal visitations, and then senseless seclusion. In each instance the results are equally enervating, bringing most brides, whether rich or poor, to the one great event in their lives in an exhausted and nervous condition. To say the least, this uniform physical depletion ent.i.tles the bride to the most thoughtful consideration and most gentle treatment that the young husband can exercise.

With ignorance upon the one side, inconsideration and ungovernable pa.s.sion upon the other, the combination is unfortunate and the results are oftentimes serious. The first act in the drama which is to culminate in separation and an effort to secure a divorce, is often enacted upon the night of the very day which witnessed the marriage ceremony and was attended with the congratulation of friends. The ignorance and inconsiderateness of both are alike to blame for this sad result--the wife for her lack of knowledge and consideration, and the husband for his lack of intelligent and thoughtful appreciation of the delicacies and dangers of his new relation.

In Greece the custom prevails of allowing three days to intervene between the marriage ceremony and the consummation of marriage. It would be well if such a custom prevailed everywhere. It would allow the exhausted, nervous, timid bride to bring to the consummation of the marriage relation renewed vigor and mental composure. It would prepare the mind of the young husband for such self-possession and restraint as would be becoming in this new relation, and would secure for him a happiness greatly heightened in intensity, and that would be prolonged through all the years that lie beyond.

It is enough to make a thoughtful and considerate man blush to think of the scores of wives who annually confess to their physicians that the only rape that was ever committed upon them was by their own husbands the first day of their married life. We recently heard of an instance where the expressed impatience and manifest impetuosity of the young husband, the moment he came into the bridal chamber with his young wife, awakened in her mind such a feeling of disgust that after a brief parleying the young wife left the room and refused ever to return to her husband, and thus terminated abruptly what, with thoughtful and considerate approaches and manifest affection, might have resulted in a union of lifelong happiness.

In his book, ent.i.tled "Plain Talks on Avoided Subjects," Dr. Henry L.

Guernsey says: "Tenderly and with great consideration should these privileges be accepted, for, contrary to the opinion of many men, there is no sensual pa.s.sion on the part of the bride that induces her to grant such liberties. Then how exquisitely gentle and how forbearing should be the bridegroom's deportment on such occasions. Sometimes such a shock is administered to her sensibilities that she does not recover from it for years; and in consequence of this shock, rudely or ruthlessly administered, she forms a deeply rooted antipathy against the very act which is the bond and seal of a truly happy married life."