THE BEAUTY OF VIRGINITY 4 Chapter 4: How To Remain A Virgin

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Make up your mind not to engage in any s.e.xual activity until you are ready for it. This is where it all begins: a personal determination to live a chaste life. Tell yourself that whatever number of teenagers and youths around you lose their virginity on a daily basis, you will keep yours till your wedding day.

This type of determination, if made from the depth of your heart, will go a long way to helping you live a s.e.xually pure life. If the determination is just a lip confession, it will not take any time before you repent of it, and you soon will find yourself doing the same things you vowed not to. If it is from your heart, you will consciously do everything possible to make sure you do not rescind on the decision.
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Some of the things you need to do, and the things you need to stop doing, will be discussed in this chapter. Some of them which are not discussed in this book you will naturally know by intuition as the situations arise.

This determination, if genuine, will build in you adequate strength to say no when you need to do so, and to walk away when ordinarily saying no will not be adequate.

MAKE A LIST

The second most important thing after this decision is to write down a personal list of reasons why you want to preserve your virginity till your wedding date. Make this list comprehensive enough. Include every reason you can think of under heaven.

Some of the reasons may look insignificant and others selfish. Those do not matter for now. What matters is that you have a written list of reasons why you have personally desired to keep your virginity till you are married, either reasonable or not!

If you cannot think of a sufficient number of reasons, you can flip through the last two chapters of this book again. It may open your eyes to some of the reasons which you have not thought about. Once you are done compiling this list, and you are okay with whatever you have listed, make three copies of the list.

Keep another copy where you keep your most valuable doc.u.ments. This could be in a separate file hidden somewhere in a safe place in your wardrobe or drawer. Wherever you keep it, make sure it will not get lost in a long time. This will serve as the Master Copy from where you make more duplicates in case something happens to the other two copies.

If your parents believe in and encourage you to keep your virginity (some parents do not encourage their children to), keep the second copy of the list with them. Let them know your decision about the issue at hand and ask that you will appreciate their a.s.sistance in every way possible to make this dream a reality. You will be sure that your parents will be too delighted to know your decision. This singular action will earn you some respect from them, and they will make sure that they help you to fulfill your decision. They may begin to watch some of your moves more closely and scrutinize some of the people you call your friends. It is all a way of making sure that you do not go back on this decision.

Paste the last one, as a constant reminder, where you will see it regularly. It may be pasted on the wall beside your bed, in front of your wardrobe, beside your dressing table or just somewhere you will always see it.

This will, from time to time, help you to renew your commitment to yourself each time you see it. It will also help you to reaffirm your belief in virginity in times of personal doubts, peer pressures, s.e.xual challenges and temptation.

More importantly, constantly reading this will build in you a strong will to say no whenever you need to.

NEVER BE ASHAMED TO MAKE YOUR STAND KNOWN

Do not be scared to let people know what you believe in. Male or female, you should be proud of being a virgin. Do not let anyone make you feel bad for believing and accepting to do what is right.

As much as possible, respect the choice of others who believe what they believe, but let them also respect your choice for standing for purity. They, likely, may not respect this choice of yours for as long as you keep it to yourself. So, do not be scared to let them know where you stand. Until they know what you stand for they may not respect what you believe.

During conversations among your group of friends, do not say what you do not believe in or admit what you have never done before just because you want to fit in. Make your stand known. They may feel offended the first time, but over time, they will come to agree with you that it is your choice, and that it is the right choice, whether they say it to you or not.

Once your stand is known, each time you expressed a contrasting opinion about such issues during conversations, they will respect your view as your choice. If you take this stand, more people in the group, who before now were shy to identify themselves as virgins, will become bold as a result of your actions and will begin to make their stands known. That is when you will discover that you are not the only one who believes in the preservation of virginity in your community.

In making your stand known, you will have to limit it to the people you trust. This will include your family members and your close friends. You really do not have to take a megaphone and climb to the topmost floor of the highest building around in order to broadcast to the whole wide world that you are still a virgin. Be careful about it. Some people may want to use the information to harm you. So, avoid disclosing it to those who are not very close to you. However, whenever the situation warrants it, or whenever you are forced to disclose your status, never be ashamed to let people know where you stand. It is not a crime to be a virgin; it is a thing of pride.

SCREEN YOUR a.s.sOCIATION

The kind of people you move with will determine, to a large extent, if you will stay a virgin, and for how long you will. If all of your friends are those who have lost theirs and who do not see anything bad in their actions, but keep celebrating from time to time their frequent sensual experiences with members of the opposite s.e.x, chances are that they may talk you into joining their immoral group until you unconsciously begin to see nothing wrong with their way of life.

If that happens, you are as good as gone. It will only take a matter of weeks or months before you begin to tell the same story of those good old days when you were still a virgin. Then you will discover that those stories are not really being told with pleasure and gladness of heart; they are really sad tales coated with glamour, just like bitter pills packaged in capsules. Then it will be too late for remedy.

Be careful who you move with. Surround yourself only with members of the opposite s.e.x who truly respect your decision to remain chaste and keep your virginity. Although they may not necessarily support your decision, and they may not be one themselves, but they never will encourage you to lose it. Carefully screen the friends and cla.s.smates who always look down on your status and who often try to talk you out of it. Staying around them can be costly. They may even set you up to be defiled if you are not careful.

Once you discover a particular group of persons who always make you feel insecure about your status, or who intentionally frequently engage in activities that may encourage your change of mind, or make you feel uncomfortable about your virginity, stay away from them. Some of them may necessarily not be bad in themselves, but they can become a strong negative influence on your life.

Some of them, whenever they are around you, will constantly boast of their s.e.xual escapades, and the material things they have been able to acc.u.mulate in return as a result of these carnal adventures. This is just to make you feel inferior to them. However, always bear in mind that either internationally or locally, n.o.body has ever been given an honorary award as a result of the number of s.e.xual exploits they have had in life. Sleeping around with members of the opposite s.e.x does not increase one's chances of success in life.

Do not be discouraged by the number of your friends who have lost theirs untimely. Do not settle for less. Most of the people who prefer to boast about their s.e.xual prowess only do this to cover up their inferiority complex. So, you will find many of your friends brag about their s.e.xual prowess, the number of s.e.xual partners they have, and how good they have enjoyed the s.e.xual experiences. These brags are not really true. Some of them only say these things to gain societal respect from their colleagues and friends. Do not be lured into doing what you will later regret simply because of someone's sugarcoated tongue.

Do not just stupidly trust friends. If you decide to remain their friends, enjoying their stories without being a part of their s.e.xual adventures, they may jealously organize for you, although without your knowledge, someone who will deflower you. This will be worse for you as you will not have the choice to decide who you share your first s.e.xual experience with.

If you must maintain your virginity, you must scrutinize your relationships. If you keep friends who are drunkards, or who smoke, or who go clubbing and partying from time to time, you are putting yourself in a tight corner. Everyone who moves with the wrong crowd ends up in the wrong destination.

Always bear in mind that what you want from life is different from what they want from life. Each person's desires about the future differ from those of others. Whatever virtue you imbibe will determine if your desires will materialize. If you do not want to end up where and how they are sure to end up, then hold on to the values that will ensure that.

Do not keep friends whose values contradict what you believe. It is the fastest way to lose your virginity. For all you care, some of them only brag about what they do not do so as to entice you into it. Most of the things they claim they do are just things they watch in movies or were told by other friends. Do not just sit idly around them feeling life has been unfair to you. Do not wish you have the opportunities they had. Leave their circle and go look for real friends who will help and encourage you to do something more important with your life.

This is not to say you should isolate yourself and live a lonely life. Feel free, enjoy yourself, and make friends, but always remember that birds of the same feathers flock together. If you flock together with them, you will soon become of the same feather with them. If you remain in a group and all of the girls there have lost their virginity except you, then you are the next on line! Change your friends; if you do not change your friends, they will soon change you.

RESPECT YOUR BODY

Your body is your body; it belongs to you and none other. You have a full right, one hundred percent right (100%) over it. You decide whatever happens to it. You also enjoy or suffer whatever happens to it as a result of the decisions made about it. This is why you must constantly protect it. You owe it that responsibility.

The way you jealously protect the call credit and the information on your cell phone and do not just give it to everyone around to make free calls or play around with, same way you should respect and protect your body. No sane person shares his toothbrush with just any friend. Your body is much more valuable than either your toothbrush or the call credit and the information on your cell phone and so should be given more respect and better protection. If you respect your body, others will respect you. If you handle your body loosely with disrespect, others will handle it the same way.

Let no one touch parts of your body anyhow, as though it belongs to them, or as though they have as much right to it as you do. It is fully yours. Even if you decide to go into an intimate relationship with a member of the opposite s.e.x, he still does not have a right over your body until your wedding night when all requirements (by the church, the society and your parents) have been satisfied.

You dictate the rules of the game here, not the other party. You make your own choices about how intimate you want to become with the other party. Whoever is not ready to play the game by the rules you set should find another playmate.

Being in a relationship is not an excuse for s.e.xual experimentation. Let your partner know this aforehand so that it will not become an issue when he begins to make demands of you. Having a special friend from members of the opposite s.e.x is not for the sole purpose of indiscreet exploration of each other's bodies but for intimate friendship and companionship.

Constantly remind your partner that as much as you love him, you have reserved yourself as a special package for your wedding night to be presented to the one who is ready to wait till then. Also let him know that placing any form of s.e.xual demands on you before then may cause the breakage of the relationship, and let him know you mean this. Then, sincerely mean it; no other further explanation is necessary.

SET A PERSONAL LIMIT FOR YOURSELF

Set yourself a limit. Decide how far you want to get, ever before a tempting situation arises. If you do not set a limit and suddenly discover that you need to take a decision because you are right in the midst of an unpalatable situation, you may make a choice that you will later regret in life. So, create a boundary now.

Set a personal limit for yourself and do not go beyond it. Setting a limit helps you know what to do when anything happens. You have already planned the reaction to each action ahead, and nothing should catch you unaware. All you do when you find yourself in such a situation is to act out the script you have written ahead of time. It saves you a whole lot of pressured reasoning and impromptu actions.

Set your own boundaries and constantly remind yourself about them, especially before a date and before going to any party. Without these limits, you may be carried away by the spur of the moment, and will just do whatever you feel is right at the moment of trial. Since your emotions are not yet fully trained to know when to stop, and you have not set limits, your normal reaction to do what is right at the moment will be subject to your sense of judgment at that moment, with your sense of judgment already beclouded by the excitement and pleasure of the moment. So, you are most likely going to take an impromptu decision that will favor your feelings at that moment, and that may be disastrous.

Now that you can still reason straight, with no pressure from any angle, make decisions that will determine how far you will get with a member of the opposite s.e.x at any given situation and in the worst case. Will it be just holding hands, or just a simple innocent hug, a peck on the cheek, or whatever? Take these decisions now, and let these decisions guide your actions on a daily basis from now on.

Whenever anyone is going beyond these boundaries, no matter the level of closeness to the person, and irrespective of where you are at the moment, either in the public glare or in your privacy, do not be ashamed to let the person know he is going beyond his boundary. It may be difficult to say this the first few times, but over time, if you keep reminding him, your friend will respect your decisions and you will not have to say it again.

Your initial natural reaction will be to reluctantly allow the person to have his way for the first time, even if it is against your will, so as not to embarra.s.s the person, with a determination to speak out the next time he dares try it again. However, from experience, it has been discovered that if you allow him go beyond that boundary the first time, it will be difficult to keep him away from crossing the line again.

Do not be so shy that you will allow your destiny to be truncated. It is better for your friend to feel embarra.s.sed for a moment and you apologize later, than for you to be shy in a moment, and save him the embarra.s.sment, but live to regret it for life.

AVOID SECLUDED PLACES

Be careful if you have made a choice to remain a virgin. Watch where you go with members of the opposite s.e.x.

The strength of immorality is isolation. No one will remove your pants and sleep with you in the public glare of your cla.s.smates. Even if you meet a p.o.r.n star who is willing to do it publicly shamelessly, your self-respect and dignity will not make you allow someone to mess around with you openly as though you are a cheap wh.o.r.e. However, the courage to do it becomes stronger and your self-guard is lowered if there are just the two of you in a secluded place.

If at all you must attend any night party, go with the permission of your parents or your guardian. Do not hide such things from them. No matter how old you are, as long as you are not married, the people you live with must know your whereabouts each time. If you are a lady, do not go alone. Go in the company of close friends who have the same values with you and do not lose track of one another at the party. Always move together, so you can watch one another's backs.

Besides not going to parties alone, as much as possible, do not be found with members of the opposite s.e.x in lonely places like the bedroom of an empty house, the hostel room when none else is around in the hostel, an uncompleted building, large lonely field, car parked in a secluded area, or any isolated environment.

Any slight emotional exchange in places like these can spark off an uncontrollable outburst of emotions that may make you lose your guard and do the unthinkable. And since there is no one around to stop you, the deed would have been done before you realized it.

Avoid being alone with members of the opposite s.e.x in an environment that may be s.e.xually tempting. Each time you find yourself in such an environment, no matter how much you trust such a person, take your leave. You really do not need the other person's permission before you go. Just excuse yourself and leave the environment. If you think you need the other person's permission, then you have lost the battle already.

The longer you stay in such environment an the more difficult it is for you to reason straight, and the more you lose your guard. Your pa.s.sions will begin to envelope your intellect and your sense of justice and you may begin to condone certain actions from the other person which you naturally will not accommodate. This is a very difficult situation to put yourself in.

Avoid all intimate moments. Do not put yourself in tight corners like this. Always excuse yourself, or better still, tell your partner you will prefer to move into an open s.p.a.ce where there are other people, and leave immediately before you will be convinced to do otherwise. Remember, you do not need his permission; you have been fair enough letting him know your decision.

Do not bother about the person's feelings, at least not now. What matters now is your safety. His feelings can be addressed later on, as long as you are safe.

DO NOT START WHAT YOU CAN NOT FINISH

Do not start what you cannot finish. Every action has an end point. Once the process is initiated, it, most times, becomes practically impossible to halt the natural rate of reaction until the equation is balanced. So, it makes much sense not to try to start the process if you do not want the end result.

It is unreasonable to think that you can succeed in stopping the reaction midway at any particular time you want. It is better not to start it at all, than to hope you will have enough emotional strength to control the reaction in your favour. Do not tempt yourself.

Once in a while, especially when it is necessary, a hug or strolling hand in hand with a loved one may not be out of place, when done in the open and not in isolated places where emotions can over-burn and none will be there to caution you. However, getting too intimate and allowing pa.s.sions to burn uncontrollably can start a reversible reaction that neither of the parties may not be able to stop, no matter how emotionally strong they feel they are, and the unexpected may happen before they know it.

If preserving your virginity is important to you, then do not get too close for comfort. A gentle kiss may look harmless, but it may ignite some l.u.s.tful cravings in your body system which may cause you to let down your guard, and freeze your ability to reason properly, until something nasty happens.

Never put yourself in a tight corner, it is very risky. Your knowledge of the risks involved alone may not protect you against them if you put yourself in a tight corner.

IGNORE MOCKERIES

Your decision to stay chaste and live a moral life will generate so many criticisms among your peers who do not support your reasoning. This resolution will offend their conscience and make them feel bad about themselves and their style of life. However, rather than join you in your decision, since they are in the majority, they will try to make you feel bad in order to cover up how bad you make them feel. So, there is great likelihood that they will call you names, make jest and mockery of you, and do all manner of things just to get at you.

There is not much wisdom in trying to defend yourself. Nothing you say will make them stop taunting you; they did not start it with an intention to stop when you attack them. So, whatever you say in defense will generate more criticism.

The best way to handle them is to ignore them. You just stay strong with your belief and stick to it no matter what anyone says, does, or believes. Since their primary purpose was not just to make you feel bad but to cover up how bad they feel themselves, saying anything to defend yourself will make them feel worse and they will keep getting back at you in order to keep covering up how they feel.

So, if anyone laughs or makes fun of you, just turn your back and ignore them. With time, they also will ignore you and let you be. It makes them feel better that you do not think they are wayward, or that even if you think so, you do not say it to their faces since you are neither their parent nor their spiritual head. They feel that it is left for their pastors to preach that to them, and not you!

The choice of retaining your virginity until the appointed time is a personal decision. Once you have taken this decision after careful thought, let nothing under heaven cause you to waver in this laudable decision. Let no son or daughter of the devil talk you out of it.

Accept how they feel about it and go on with your life. It is better for you as long as it makes you retain your virginity.

TALK TO YOUR PARENTS

If you are still a virgin and you are undergoing serious pressures about your virginity, the best person to confide in is your parent. Your parent should be your first confidant.

If you are lucky enough to live with your parents, you can be sure that, since they have known you all of your life and have, likely experienced the pressure you may be undergoing now, they are most likely going to give you the best advice you can get at a time like this.

It is possible to begin to think that you are already mature to take decisions about your life since you feel you are older than you really are and your parents are not allowing you to exercise the freedom that you think you need. The actual truth is, whatever decision your parents take about your s.e.xual life, is for your own good. They are only trying to protect you from the s.e.xual preys around.

You may be tempted to think that they are of the outgoing generation, generally called the 'old school', and may not have the 'new school' solutions, but the truth is that there is nothing new about s.e.xual pressures. It has always been there from time, and they have had their own challenges too, coupled with the experiences they have garnered around from friends, neighbors, and relatives, they will be able to proffer an all-time solution to whatever peer pressure and s.e.xual challenge you may be facing in this new generation.

So, always learn to confide in your parents. Talk to them about your emotions and feelings, your friends, their behaviors, your experiences, and share the challenges you face with them.

The alternative will be to talk to your friends about it. However, you may not be too sure of their stand, no matter how close you are to them, or how well you think you know them.

Your parents are the only ones you can talk to and be sure they will not ridicule, mock, or deceive you. You can be sure of constant good counsel. They will even love you more, knowing that you really desire to live a pure and chaste life, and will do all in their power to see you achieve your goal.

If you do not live with your parents, you can talk to either your guardians or your pastors in church.

IN CONCLUSION

It is commonly believed among boys, though not always verbalized formally, that females are meant to be conquered and dominated, and that the more of them you are able to conquer, the more popularity you gain among your friends. This is why, in most schools the bad boys are the most popular and the most celebrated.

This is a very wrong notion. Every young man must be told that there is nothing masculine in notching your belt with medals of female conquests; and every young woman must know that there is nothing prestigious in being the gateway where every boy on your street pa.s.ses when they need s.e.xual pleasure.