Valentine M'Clutchy, The Irish Agent Part 29

"It shall be done," said Lucre, "and I will go about it presently, but in the mean time the matter rests as it is. If what you say is true, and I believe it is, your own safety depends upon your silence."

"Not a breath," replied Darby; "and now, sir, about what brought me here--I wanted to say that I'd wish '_to read_' upon Sunday next."

"What do you mean?" asked Lucre.

"Why, sir, as I said, I don't like to take my religion from an attorney--and I'm afeard, besides, that he's not altogether orthybox, in regard that he hinted once that G.o.d was ------; but, indeed I disremember his words, for it wasn't aisy to hould them when you got them."

"He, of course, is a Fatalist and Predestinarian," said Lucre; "but what is this you were about to say?"

"Why, sir, that I'd wish publicly to read my recompensation in your church on Sunday next."

"And why in my church?" asked the proud parson, who felt his vanity touched, not by anything Darby had yet said, but by the indescribable expression of flattery which appeared in his face.

"Why, sir," he replied, "bekase it's given out on all hands that there's no end to your larnin'--that it's wondherful the books you wrote--and as for your preachin', that it 'ud make one think themselves in heaven, h.e.l.l, or purgatory, accordin as you wished."

"Very well, O'Drive, very well indeed," exclaimed Lucre, caught on his weakest side by this artful compliment; "but you must forget purgatory--however I can conceive that it was the mere force of habit that prompted you to utter it. Well, then, you shall read your recantation on Sunday, since you wish it--there will be about a dozen or two others, and you had better attend early. Good-day, O'Drive!"

"Plaise your honor," said Darby, who never could be honest to both parties, "there's a batch o' convarts outside waitin' to see you, but between you and me, I think you had as well be on your guard wid some o'

them, I know what they want."

"And pray, what is that, O'Drive?"

"Why, thin, for fraid I may be doin' the crathurs injustice, sir, I won't say; only jist take my hint, any how. Good mornin' kindly, sir!"

As Darby pa.s.sed the group we have alluded to, he winked at them very knowingly, "go up," said he, "go up I say:--may be I didn't give yez a lift since, and mark me, huld to the five guineas a head, and to be provided for aftherwards. Paddy c.u.mmins do you go up, I say--bannath lath!"

Paddy went up, and in a few minutes a ragged, famine-wasted creature entered with his old caubeen between his hands, and after having ducked down his head, and shrugged his shoulders alternately, stood with an abashed look before Mr. Lucre.

"Well, my good man, what is your business with me?"

To this the countryman prepared to reply,--first, by two or three additional shrugs; secondly, by raising his right elbow, and pulling up all that remained of the collar of his tattered cothamore, or great coat, after which he gave a hem.

"Have you no tongue, my good fellow?"

A shrug--"hem--why, sir, but that was a great sarmon you praiched on last Sunda', plaise you honor. Faitha, sir, there was mighty fine discoorsin' in it about rail-ligion?"

"O! the sermon--did you hear it, my good man?"

"Faitha, sir, I was there sure enough, in spite o' Father M'Cabe, an'

all."

"Sit down, my good friend, sit down--well, you attended the sermon, you say--pray how did you like it?"

"Faitha, sir, sure n.o.body could dislike it bedad, sir, we're all greatly disappointed wid the priests afther hearin' it--it was wondherful to hear, the deep larnin' you brought forrid, sir, against them, an' our church in gineral. Begad myself was mightily improved by it."

"Don't swear, though--well you were improved by it, you say--pray what is your name?"

"I'm one Paddy c.u.mmins, sir, a shister's son of--"

"Well, c.u.mmins, I'm very happy to hear that you were edified, and happier still that you had sense to perceive the side upon which truth lay."

"Faitha, thin, your reverence, I seen that widout much throuble; but, sure they say, sir, there's to be a power of us turnin' over to yez."

"I hope so, c.u.mmins--we are anxious that you should see the errors of the creed you so ignorantly profess, and abandon them."

"Sure enough, sir--dad, sir, your ministhers is fine men, so you are--then you're so rich, sir, plaise your honor--they do be sayin', sir, that the reverend gintlemen of your church have got a great deal of money among them somehow, in regard that it 'ud be needful to help poor crathurs that 'ud turn, and keep them from the pa.r.s.ecution, sir."

"c.u.mmins, my good friend, allow me to set you right. We never give a penny of money to any one for the sake of bringing him over to our church; if converts come to us it must be from conviction, not from interest."

"I see, sir--but sure I'm not wantin' the promise at all, your honor--sure I know you must keep yourselves clear anyway--only the five guineas a head that I'm tould is to be given."

"Five guineas a head!--pray who told you so?"

"Faitha, sir, I couldn't exactly say, but every one says it. It's said we're to get five guineas a head, sir, and be provided for afther; I have nine o' them, sir, eight crathurs and Biddy herself--she can't spake English, but, wid the help o' G.o.d, I could consthre it for her.

Faith, she'd make a choice Prodestan, sir, for wanst she takes a thing into her head the devil wouldn't get it out. As for me, I don't want a promise at all, your reverence, barrin' that if it 'ud be plaisin' to you, jist to lay your forefinger along your nose--merely to show that we undherstand one another--it 'ud be as good to me as the bank. The crathur on the breast, your reverence, we'd throw in as a luck penny, or dhuragh, and little Paddy we give at half price."

"Did you hear all this?"

"Faitha, then, we did, sir--and sure, as you don't like to have the thing known, I can keep my tongue atween my teeth as well as e'er a convart livin'--an' as for Biddy, by only keepin' her from the dhrink, she's as close as the gate of heaven to a heretic. Bedad, sir, this new light bates everything."

"My good friend, c.u.mmins, I tell you I have no money to give,--neither is there anything to be given,--for the sake of conversion--but, if your notions of your own religion are unsettled, put yourself under Lord ------'s chaplain; and, if, in the due course of time, he thinks you sufficiently improved to embrace our faith, you and your family may be aided by some comforts suitable to your condition."

c.u.mmins' face lengthened visibly at 'an intimation which threw him so far from his expectations; the truth being, that he calculated upon receiving the money the moment he read his recantation. He looked at Mr. Lucre again as significantly as he could--gave his head a scratch of remonstrance--shrugged himself as before--rubbed his elbow--turned round his hat slowly, examined its shape, and gave it a smarter set, after which he gave a dry hem and prepared to speak.

"I'll hear nothing further on the subject," said the other, "withdraw."

Without more ado c.u.mmins slunk out of the room, highly disappointed, but still not without hopes from Lord ------, to whom, or his chaplain, he resolved to apply. In the meantime he made the best of his way home to his starving wife and children, without having communicated the result of his visit to those who were a.s.sembled at the glebe house.

He had scarcely left the hall door when another claimant for admission presented himself in the person of a huge, tattered fellow, with red, stiff hair standing up like reeds through the broken crown of his hat, which he took off on entering. This candidate for Protestantism had neither shoe nor stocking on him, but stalked in, leaving the prints of his colossal feet upon the hall through which he pa.s.sed.

"Well, friend, what is wrong with you?--why did'nt you rub your filthy feet, sir, before you entered the room? You have soiled all my carpet."

"I beg your honor's parding," said the huge fellow; "I'll soon cure that." Having said which he trotted up to the hearth-rug, in which, before Lucre had time even to speak, by a wipe from each foot, he left two immense streaks of mud, which we guess took some hard scrubbing to remove. "Now, your honor, I hope I'll do."

Lucre saw it was useless to remonstrate with him, and said, with more temper than could be expected--

"Man, what's your business?"

"I come, sirra,"--this man had a habit of p.r.o.nouncing sir as sirra, which he could never overcome--"to tell your reverence to enther me down at wanst."

"For what purpose should I enter you down?"

"For the money, sirra; I have seven o' them, and we'll all go. You may christen us if you wish, sirra. 'Deed I'm tould we must all be christened over agin, an' in that case, maybe it 'ud be plaisin' to you to stand G.o.dfather for me, yourself, your reverence."

"What do you mean?--but I suppose I understand you."

"I mean, sirra, to become a Protestan--I an' my family, I'm Nickey Feasthalagh, that was in on suspicion o' the burnin' of Nugent's hay; and by them five cra.s.ses I was as innocent of that as the child onborn, so I was. Sure they couldn't prove an me, becoorse I came out wid flying colors, glory be to G.o.d! Here I am now, sir, an' a right good Prodestan I'll make when I come to understand it. An' let me whisper this, sirra, I'll be dam useful in fairs and markets to help the Orangemen to lick ourselves, your honor, in a skrimmage or party fight, or anything o'

that kidney."