Two Caravans Part 19

"German car," said Andriy in a low voice. "Volkswagen. Bee-em-vay."

In my opinion, his driving licence should be confiscated.

The man asked us where we were from and when I said Ukraine, he said Ukrainians are fine people, and great allies, and shook my hand as if I personally had won the war, the car veering from side to side. Then he pa.s.sed a Toyota, and he beep-beeped his horn and shouted, "Little yellow b.a.s.t.a.r.d!" which was strange, because the car was red.

"I wonder what he'll do when he pa.s.ses a Ferrari," I whispered to Andriy, but Andriy said it wasn't possible.

Then quite unexpectedly we took an exit off the motorway, whizzed round a roundabout, made a left turn, and suddenly we were threading our way along little country roads.

"Is this the way to Sheffield?" I asked.

"Yes, yes. Near Luton. It's on your way."

In front of us, an old blue Volkswagen Polo was driving along quite slowly. Our driver pulled up behind and started to beep his horn and flash his lights. The car in front kept going. Our driver revved up and pulled out to overtake. Andriy and I held our breath. The road was far too twisting to see what lay ahead. We had just started to pa.s.s the Polo when, out of a bend in the road, a large grey car appeared coming towards us, travelling fast. Our driver braked. Then he changed his mind and accelerated. The car jerked forward past the Polo and he cut in sharply. There was a double screech of brakes. The Polo veered to avoid a collision and two wheels went in the ditch. The grey car skidded into the opposite verge. Our driver drove on.

"Got him!" he said with a look of satisfaction on his face.

I glanced back at Andriy. He had gone very white.

"We must get out of here," he muttered.

"Excuse me, please stop," I yelled to the driver. "I need a toilet. Urgent."

The driver stopped. Andriy and Dog jumped out of the back with our bags and I jumped out of the front and we ran back down the road as fast as we could, until the car was out of sight. Then we sat at the roadside until we'd stopped shaking and got our breath back.

Now we were stranded on this small road going to nowhere, and there were no cars pa.s.sing. Andriy said we should get back to the motorway, so we started to walk, thinking we would wave our thumbs if a car pa.s.sed, but none did.

We must have walked almost a kilometre when we came across the blue Volkswagen Polo we had overtaken, still stuck with two wheels in the ditch, and the driver, a young black woman, standing beside it, looking extremely annoyed.

"You need some help, madam?" said Andriy.

He sounded so gallant, quite like Mr Brown. I was thinking to myself, that's good, soon we will have a display of sun-bronzed manly musculature. And we did. The woman got into the driving seat, and he went round to the front and pushed, and the muscles in his arms bulged like...well, like something very bulgy. And slowly slowly the car moved back onto the road. Mmm. I can't imagine Mr Brown doing that.

The young woman offered us a lift. She said she was going to Peterborough, and even though it was the wrong direction I said yes, because I didn't want to walk all the way back to the motorway. She said she could drop us off on the Ai, which is a major road going north, and that was good enough for me. Andriy and Dog went in the back again, and I sat in the front, next to her. She had a sweet turned-up nose and hair done in tight plaits all over her head that looked like neat miniature vegetable rows in a garden. I was very curious to touch it, but I didn't want to offend her. Her name was Yateka, she said, and she was a trainee nurse in an old people's home.

When he heard this, Andriy got very excited. "Do you have a brother called Emanuel?"

We explained that our friend from Malawi has a sister who is a nurse but he has lost contact with her.

"England is full of African nurses," she laughed. "More in England than in Africa. And I am from Zambia, not Malawi, which is the next-door country." Then, seeing the disappointed look on Andriy's face, she added, "But there is one Malawian nurse at my place. Maybe she will know something, because Malawians tend to keep together."

So it was agreed we would go with her to Peterborough and meet this Malawian nurse. All this time we were driving along slowly-in my opinion women are much better drivers than men-and we had plenty of time for conversation, which was good, because Yateka was very talkative. It turned out she was not really a trainee, for in Zambia she had already been running a health centre for six years, but to work in England she has to do a special adaptation training. She explained that there is a new rule that the National Health Service is not allowed to recruit nurses from Africa, so she must do her adaptation training in a private nursing home.

"This is a good rule for Africa, but a bad rule for us nurses," she said, "because my adaptation job pays only the minimum wage, not a proper nurse's salary. Then they make deductions. Tax. Food. Accommodation. Uniform. Training fee. Agency fee. At the end of the week I have nothing left."

"I know about these deductions," I said. "We are strawberry-pickers. Accommodation, food, transport; everything comes out of our wages. You know, I had not expected such meanness in England."

"Worst thing is the agency fee," said Yateka. "Nine hundred pounds I must pay for arranging this training place."

"Nine hundred!" exclaimed Andriy from the back seat. "This is more than we pay for phoney work paper. These are bloodsuckers!"

"Nightingale Human Solutions. They are vultures, not nightingales."

"But is it worth it?" I asked.

"When I am in the National Health Service I will be able to earn fifty times more in England than in Zambia. This is a problem for Africa, because every African nurse wants to come in England, and there are not enough nurses to look after all our sick people at home."

"Same for us. Wages for strawberry-picker in England is higher than for teacher or nurse in Ukraine." Andriy furrowed his brows together in a very thoughtful and intellectual-type way, which is actually quite s.e.xy in a man. "This global economic is serious business."

You see? He is quite intelligent, despite being uneducated.

"You come from Ukraine?"

"Yes of course. Do you know some Ukrainian people?" I asked.

Yateka told us that one of the old men in her nursing home was Ukrainian, and he was always causing a lot of bother with his peculiarities.

"I wish you would talk to him. Maybe he would listen if someone talked to him in Ukrainian."

"Of course," I said. "We would be happy to talk to him." I was curious about these Ukrainian peculiarities.

It's happened again. He wanted to go to Sheffield, but somehow he's ended up in this place. Andriy is feeling vaguely annoyed with Irina, with Yateka, and with himself. Why didn't he just say no?

Four Gables nursing home is a large grey house on the outskirts of Peterborough, set back from the road behind a screen of gloomy evergreens. Yateka pulls into the car park and leads them inside. The first thing Andriy notices is the smell-sweetish and feral. It hits him like a blast of bad breath as soon as they open the door. Haifa dozen old women in various stages of decrepitude are sitting in armchairs pushed up against the walls, dozing with their mouths sagging open, or just staring. "Wait here," says Yateka. "I will look for Blessing." They sit down on a padded bench and wait. The air is heavy and stale. Irina gets into a strange conversation with an old lady sitting nearby, who thinks she is her niece. Dog goes off sniffing along the corridor on the trail of the strange smell, and disappears. After a while Andriy gets up and goes to look for him.

"Psst!" A skinny arm beckons him in through an open door. "In here."

He steps into a tiny room. That smell-it reminds him of the smell inside the rabbit hutch on their balcony in Donetsk. In the middle of the floor, Dog is sitting on a rug at the feet of a very old woman, who is feeding him chocolate biscuits from a tin.

"h.e.l.lo, young man. Come in. I'm Mrs Gayle. Your name?"

"Andriy Palenko."

"Polish?"

"No, Ukrainian."

"Oh, splendid! I'm very partial to Ukrainian men. Have a seat. Have a biscuit."

"Thank you, Mrs Gayle." Andriy crams the biscuit in whole, coughing as the crumbs stick in his throat-it is the first thing he's eaten since that bread last night.

"Have another."

"Thank you."

He sits down on a chair, then he realises it is in fact a commode covered with an upholstered lid. The rabbit-hutch smell is all-pervasive.

"Take two."

She blinks. Or is it a wink? Her eyes are small and watery, sunk deep into their crinkled sockets. Her hands are thin and bent like claws. Will I be like this one day, Andriy wonders? It is inconceivable.

He remembers his grandmother's room at home, piled from floor to ceiling with heaps of musty clothes, the s.p.a.ce for sitting becoming smaller and smaller. It was sad to watch her life shrink away. As she lost control of her bladder, the smell from the room became so intense that they could hardly bear to go in there. However much his mother had washed and scrubbed and sprinkled powder around, the rabbit-hutch smell just got stronger, until in the end she died and only the smell was left. A bit like the smell in Mrs Gayle's room. He is starting to wonder about the commode he is sitting on. What is under the lid?

"My daughter put me in here, you know, after my husband died. She says I smell. In your country, young man, what happens to old people?"

"You know, usually they live with family, but sometimes they go into monastery. Woman-only monastery is very popular with Orthodox ladies."

"Hm! That sounds quite nice, a women-only monastery." Mrs Gayle nibbles at a biscuit with what is left of her teeth. "Company. A roof over your head. No matron to boss you about. And the only man you have to worry about is Lord Jesus..." She searches in her bag and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. "...who is probably much less demanding than a husband. Probably drinks less, too." She roots through her handbag once more. "Have you got a light?"

"No, I am sorry. I not..."

"You'll find a box of matches in the handyman's room. End of the corridor, down the stairs, and it's on your left."

She gives Dog another biscuit, and he sits up on his back legs to take it. Andriy has never seen him do this before. The room is very hot and the smell overpowering. He is beginning to feel a bit strange.

"Go on." She gives him a little prod with her walking stick. "Don't hang about. The handyman's not in at the moment."

The handyman's room is a den of old bits of wood, furniture awaiting repair, defunct appliances, obscure machine parts, etc, and in a cabinet along one wall an interesting array of tools. Andriy pauses in the doorway. The handyman is nowhere in sight. On a table by the door are a packet of tobacco, a large curved pipe and a box of matches. He hesitates. Then he picks the matches up, puts them in his pocket and goes back up the stairs.

On the door to the corridor is a No Smoking sign.

"Mrs Gayle. Excuse me. Do you know about smoking ban?"

"Hah! You sound just like my daughter! She's always trying to stop me smoking. Have to smoke in here-can't stand the stink. Have you got the matches?"

He hesitates. She pokes him with her stick.

"Come on, young man. Let an old woman have a bit of fun."

He hands the matches over. She lights the cigarette and at once begins to cough.

"My daughter put me in here because I'm a communist, you know." Cough, cough. "Yes, I was incarcerated because of my political views."

"No!" Can it be true? Do such things happen in England?

"Yes. She's married to a stockbroker. A minor scion of the aristocracy. Vile man. Now I'm in here, and they're living in my house." Her left eye twitches.

"How is this possible?"

"Yes, I wanted to donate it to the International Workers of the World, but they got it off me. Made me sign something. Told the social workers I was mad." She has become so agitated that she gets another cigarette out of the pack and lights it, and starts to puff, even though the other one is still smouldering in the ashtray. "Do I seem mad?"

"No. Very not mad, Mrs Gayle."

"But what they don't know is, I'm coming home. I'm getting married again, and I'm coming home." She chuckles. "Are you married, young man?" The eye twitches again. Or is it a wink? Andriy feels a moment of panic. He shakes his head. She takes a few more deep drags on her cigarette, coughs once or twice, and continues, "Yes, Mr Mayevskyj in room nine. The Ukrainian gentleman. Have you met him yet?"

By now the little room is completely filled with smoke. It must be noticeable from the corridor. If someone catches them, they could be in trouble. Andriy reaches across to stub out the cigarette in the ashtray, but quick as a flash she grabs it first and sticks it in her mouth, along with the other one.

"No you don't, young man." She lowers her voice to a confidential whisper, puffing away on both cigarettes simultaneously. "He has an incredible s.e.x drive for a man of ninety-two, you know. Yes, they don't know this yet, but we're getting married and we're coming to live at home."

"That will be nice surprise for your daughter."

"It'll be a surprise. I don't know about nice."

While I was waiting for Yateka and Andriy to come back, I heard someone calling out for help. It was the old man in room nine. He had dropped his hearing aid down the back of his chair, so I helped him to find it. It turned out he was the Ukrainian resident Yateka had told us about. He put in his hearing aid and we got into a long conversation about Ukraine, the way it was when he lived there and the way it is now. Then he cleared his throat and embarked on a long speech about malfunctioning hydraulic lifts and other engineering problems, and at the end of it he suddenly took me by the hand and said I had a very beautiful figure, and would I marry him.

I said teasingly that I couldn't marry him, because I agree with Tolstoy that a wife should share her husband's interests, and I could never be interested in hydraulics. "Oy oy!" he exclaimed, striking his forehead. "I have other interests too. Do you care for art or philosophy or poetry or tractors?" Before I could answer, he started to recite an obscure poem by Mayakovsky about love and destiny, but he got stuck after a few lines, and became agitated and started shouting for his books. So I went to look for Yateka.

Yateka calmed Mr Mayevskyj down, and brought him a cup of tea. Then she made some tea for us, too, which we drank sitting out in the garden. It's strange because I didn't know any Africans in Kiev, but Yateka is the second African friend I have made in England. When I told her about Mr Mayevskyj's marriage proposal, she grabbed my hand and laughed out loud.

"Now you understand what I mean by peculiarities," she said. "That poor old man. He has become more mentally unstable ever since they took his gearbox away."

"Gearbox?"

"He had a gearbox in his room. Did he not tell you about it? He said it was a relic of his beloved motorbike."

"Why did they take it away?"

"Matron said it was not hygienic to have a gearbox in the room."

"What is not hygienic about a gearbox?"

"I don't know," said Yateka. "But n.o.body can argue with Matron. You don't know what she is like."

"I cannot see the harm in a gearbox. I would let him have it."

Yateka giggled. "You would be the perfect wife for him. Maybe you should accept his proposal. It would make him very happy. And in a few years, you will have a British pa.s.sport and an inheritance."

"Not all Ukrainian women are looking out to marry an old man for his money, you know, Yateka." In fact I was thinking these stereotypes of Ukrainian women are not helpful. Where does this idea come from?

"And why not? In my country if a young girl can make a good marriage to a wealthy senior it is good for the family. Everybody is happy. Sometimes nowadays the young girl can get AIDS, which is a terrible tragedy in my country. But this will not be a problem with Mr Mayevskyj," she added quickly. "The only problem is his two daughters. These are not nice people at all. They have already intervened three times to prevent him marrying."

"Is this true? He has had three fiancees?"

"Maybe they are worried about the inheritance."

"He has inheritance?"

"He told me he is a millionaire." Her eyes twinkled darkly. "And he has written a famous book. A history of tractors."

I could believe he has written a history of tractors. But I must say, he didn't look like a millionaire. Or smell like one.

"But maybe you already have a lover." She winked.

"Maybe," I said with a nonchalant shrug.

"You know, you can stay here if you like. There's a spare room in the attic which cannot be used for residents because of safety reasons. It's been empty for years."