Turtle Recall Part 7

Camels, Joe. Mayor of Sto Lat. A short, bird-like man in an outsize robe and chain. By trade he is a parasol-maker. [GP]

Carbonaceous. A troll in LANCRE who climbed the Copperhead mountain with the young RIDCULLY. [LL]

Carborundum. (Jade) A troll. Looks like a boulder that has spent centuries in the damp pine forests. Covered in lichen with stringy grey moss hanging in curtains from its head and chin. A bird's nest in one ear and carries a genuine troll club made from an uprooted sapling. [MR]

Carcer. A psychopath. A complete nut job, yet quite intelligent in many ways; he'd simply worked out that if you kill people who stand in your way, you move forward. Carcer smiled all the time, in a cheerful, chirpy sort of way, apparently convinced that he'd never done anything really wrong even while the blood was dripping from his hand. When he laughed, according to Sam VIMES, it was a sort of modulation to the voice, an irritatingly patronising chortle that suggested that all this was somehow funny, but you hadn't got the joke. He also ate one hard-boiled egg too many. That was his undoing. [NW]

Carding, Marmaric. An eighth-level wizard. Head of the Hoodwinkers. This seventeen stone wizard, with his beringed fingers and vein-crazed jowls, was killed by COIN'S staff. [S]

Carlton, Alex. (Sane Alex). He has a beard a dwarf would be proud of no, one that two dwarfs would be proud of. When we first meet him, he is, with a couple of friends (Adrian Emery and Al Winton), renting an old pigeon loft on the roof of the Ankh-Morpork Post Office. He, and his friends, are members of the Smoking Gnu a group of outlaw clacks signallers. [GP]

Carney, Ronald. Slight young man, not as cunning as he thought. Founder of the Ankh-Morpork Inquirer and Chairman of the Guild of ENGRAVERS and Printers. [TT]

Caroc cards. Distilled wisdom of the Ancients. Deck of cards used on the Discworld for fortune telling and for card games (see CRIPPLE MR ONION). Cards named in the Discworld canon include The Star, The Importance of Washing the Hands (Temperance), The Moon, The Dome of the Sky, The Pool of Night (the Moon), Death, the Eight of Octograms, the Four of Elephants, the Ace of Turtles. [LF, M, LL]

Carpenter, Obidiah. Tailor in LANCRE. Also a general poacher, cess-pit cleaner and approximate carpenter (as in 'with a couple of nails it'll stay up all right' ). A member of the Lancre Morris Men. [LL]

Carrot (Carrot Ironfoundersson). A dwarf (by adoption). His adoptive dwarf parents found him in the woods as a toddler, wandering near the bodies of his real parents, who had been victims of a bandit attack. Also in the wreckage of the cart was a sword, and a ring that was very similar to one recorded as having once been a part of the royal jewellery of Ankh.

When first encountered in the chronicles he was 6' 6" tall (6' 3" in his stockinged feet) and nearly sixteen years old with a big, honest forehead, mighty neck and impressively pink skin, due to scrubbing. He became known as Carrot not because of his red hair, kept short for reasons of hygiene, but because of his shape the kind of tapering shape a boy gets through clean living, healthy eating and good mountain air in huge lungfuls. His dwarfish name is Kzad-blat (Head Banger). When Carrot flexes his muscles, other muscles have to move out of the way first. He has a punch that even trolls have learned to respect. He walks with a habitual stoop, which comes from being six feet tall while living with dwarfs. Like all dwarfs, when he's away he writes home at least once a week.

His adoptive parents, embarra.s.sed at his size and by the fact that he reached p.u.b.erty at what in dwarf terms is about playgroup age, realised that he needed to be among his own kind. They arranged for him to join the Night WATCH in Ankh-Morpork because, they had been told, it would make a man of him.

Being very literal-minded is a dwarfish trait. It is one which Carrot shares. In the whole of his life (prior to his arrival in Ankh-Morpork) no one ever really lied to him or gave him an instruction that he wasn't meant to take literally.

He is direct, honest, good-natured and honourable in all his dealings. Despite several years in the WATCH, where, as Captain, he is effectively the second-in-command, he still thinks everyone is decent underneath and would get along just fine if only they made the effort. He is genuinely, almost supernaturally likeable. And he is astonishingly simple which is not at all the same as 'stupid'. It is just that he sees the world shorn of all the little lies and prevarications that other people erect in order to sleep at night.

After a few initial setbacks, Carrot has had an exemplary career as a policeman, often helped by the fact that people confuse his simplicity with idiocy. In fact there are vast depths to Carrot, and many have wondered at what currents may run there; Carrot has a Destiny, and sometimes Destiny doesn't worry about the innocent bystanders.

For he has a crown-shaped birthmark at the top of his left arm. Coupled with his sword, his charisma, his natural leadership, and his deep and almost embarra.s.sing love of Ankh-Morpork, this rather suggests that he is the long-lost rightful heir to the throne of the city. It is a subject that he avoids, to the point it has been hinted of destroying any written evidence to the fact. He seriously believes that to be a policeman is to be the guardian of civilisation. He is, in fact, very happy in his job. Or so, without plumbing those depths, it appears.

This is just as well for Ankh-Morpork. Few civilisations can survive long under an honest, just and strong leader, which is why they generally take care never to elect them.

Carry, Arthur. A very successful candlemaker in Ankh-Morpork who, like a number of other craftsmen, paid to have a coat of arms created for them. His motto was ART BROUGHT FORTH THE CANDLE and was rather more than it seemed. [FOC]

Carter, b.e.s.t.i.a.lity. LANCRE'S only baker. Married to Eva. A member of the Lancre Morris Men. His parents, though of a logical turn of mind, got the wrong end of the stick when it came to naming their children. Their first four children (all girls) were called Hope, Chast.i.ty, Prudence and Charity; then the boys were, with a sort of misplaced recognition of the need for balance, called Anger, Jealousy, b.e.s.t.i.a.lity and Covetousness. [LL]

Casanunda, Count Giamo. A dwarf. The most enthusiastic lover in the history of the Disc. He also claims to be the Disc's greatest liar his card says 'World's 2nd Greatest Lover. Finest Swordsman. Outrageous Liar. Soldier of Fortune. Stepladders Repaired'. However, all this may be a lie.

Casanunda is 3' 9" tall, with a typically dwarfish bullet head. But he eschews dwarfish clothing and goes in for periwigs, satins and lace, being aware that big iron boots and great p.r.i.c.kly beards attract only ladies of a specialised taste.

Everything his fellow dwarfs do very occasionally as nature demands he does all the time, sometimes in the back of a sedan chair and once upside down in a tree but with care and attention to detail that is typically dwarfish. He received his t.i.tle after performing a small service for Queen AGANTIA of Skund (details unknown). He has done some service also as a highwayman . . . well, lowwayman, really. He has a natural attraction for Nanny OGG, who is probably his female equivalent. [RM, WA, LL]

Catroaster. Disc philosopher. Found floating face down in the Ankh within hours of uttering the famous line 'When a man is tired of Ankh-Morpork, he is tired of ankle-deep slurry.' [M]

Catseye. One of a number of freelance criminals employed by Mr TEATIME. He could see very well in the dark but, as it turned out, this was no help. [H]

Cena. Prophet of the Omnian religion. A tall fellow with a full beard, whose eyes wobbled when he talked. His sandals are a religious artefact. [SG]

Cen.o.biarch. Head of the Omnian religion. The Superior Iam. After him come six archpriests, thirty lesser iams, hundreds of bishops, deacons, sub-deacons and priests, plus the inquisitors and exquisitors (see QUISITION). Then novices, bull breeders, torturers and Vestigial Virgins. [SG]

Cern. One of the sons of Gordo Smith, and brother of ESKARINA. [ER]

Chalky. Troll who runs a wholesale building supplies firm in Ankh-Morpork. He also does jobbing printing, cheap pottery and, in short, all those little jobs that need to be done to a budget, badly and quick. And, sometimes, with the Law finding out. [RM, MAA]

Champot. Past king of LANCRE, who built LANCRE CASTLE. As a ghost, he carries his head under his arm. Since he died of gout, this may take some explaining. [WS]

Chance. Broadly, the greater the odds against anything happening the more likely it is to happen on the Discworld. It's summed up by the saying amounting to a scientific law that million-to-one chances crop up nine times out of ten.

Changebasket, Skrelt. Wizard, and refounder of the Ancient and Truly Original Sages of the Unbroken Circle. By dint of close study Skrelt learned that although a wizard's spells will say themselves when he dies, a Great Spell will simply take refuge in the nearest mind open and ready to receive it. [ER]

Charlie. Used to run a clothes shop in Pseudopolis. Now a member of the Guild of Actors, he makes his living as a Lord VETINARI look-alike at children's parties, etc. He can stare at balloons until they twist themselves into strange shapes. [TT]

Charnel, Brother. A priest who stole the altar gold from the Temple of OFFLER and had it made into a horn, and played magical music until the G.o.ds caught up with him and . . . The story always ends with those terrible three dots, as if legend itself is too scared to continue. [SM]

Cheese, Mr. Owner of the BUCKET in Gleam Street, Ankh-Morpork. A thin, dry man who only smiles when he hears news of some serious murder. Traditionally, he has always sold short measure but, to make up for it, he short-changes as well. He also makes money by renting out the rat's nest of old sheds and cellars that back onto the pub. The Bucket, which lacks charm, ambience or even many customers, is now, as mentioned elsewhere, the bar of choice for the City WATCH. [MAA]

Cheesemongers, the. The Borogravian 10th Infantry Regiment, known as the Ins & Outs first into battle, last out of the fray. The regiment has battle honours from Raladan, Sheep's Drift, Blunderberg, Ibblestarn & Slomp. [MR]

Cheesewaller, C. V. A very elderly wizard (D.M. (Unseen), B.Thau, B.F.) who lives in QUIRM. He has a talking bra.s.s plate outside his premises, a piece of stage magickery that is typical of jobbing wizards in small towns where the natives need to be impressed from the word go.

The same thinking applies to his props, which happen to include a raven and a talking skull. The raven QUOTH has gone on to greater things; there is no news of the skull. [SM]

Cheesewright, G. Fellow student of TEPPIC at the a.s.sa.s.sINS' GUILD in Ankh-Morpork. A skinny young man with red hair and a face that is one large freckle. [P]

Chelonauts. Men who journey or at least intend to journey below the Rim to explore the mysteries of the Great A'TUIN. Their suits are of fine white leather, hung about with straps and bra.s.s nozzles and other unfamiliar and suspicious contrivances. The leggings end in high, thick-soled boots, and the arms are shoved into big supple gauntlets. Topping it all is a big copper helmet designed to fit on the heavy collars around the neck of the suits. The helmet has a crest of white feathers on top and a little gla.s.s window in front. [COM]

Chert. Troll who runs a sawmill near Cutshade Forest in the Ramtops. He also sells coffins. [WA, TB]

Chickenwire. One of a number of criminals employed by Mr TEATIME. Got his nickname from his habit of encasing bodies in chicken wire before dumping them in the sea, to prevent bits floating to the surface. A small but considerate action, on the whole. [H]

Chidder. Cla.s.smate of TEPPIC at the a.s.sa.s.sINS' GUILD in Ankh-Morpork. When first encountered he was wearing a plain black suit which looked as though it had been nailed on to him in bits. He ambles through life as though he's already worked it all out. Teppic calls him 'Chiddy'. His family are merchant venturers. They provide things that people want. [P]

Weathervane atop the a.s.sa.s.sin's Guild Building Chillum, Millie. Servant at LANCRE CASTLE. A small, dark girl with a tendency to call her female superiors (i.e., everyone else) 'm'm'. [LL]

Chimera. A desert creature, with the legs of a mermaid, the hair of a tortoise, the teeth of a fowl, the wings of a snake, the breath of a furnace and the temperament of a rubber balloon in a hurricane. Clearly a magical remnant. It is not known whether chimera breed and, if so, with what. [S]

Chimeria. Desert country, now invisible on any map. Original home of a hero called Codice (hero: very strong, beats people up, can't read if his index finger is removed, wears a leather loincloth whatever the weather. Straight from stock, in fact.).

Chimeria is possibly a brigadoon, of which there are a number on the Disc. These are areas which, owing to a localised instability in reality, do not have a continuous existence in one place and may turn up for only one day every hundred years before once again being squeezed out of the local universe. They reappear either randomly or at lengthy fixed intervals, a common denominator being that no time pa.s.ses inside the brigadoon between appearances. The lost city of EE is probably one of these, as is the village of Turnover in the RAMTOPS (a special case). In all likelihood there are also a large number of rural areas, or stretches of ocean, where the phenomenon pa.s.ses unnoticed owing to the absence of anyone to notice it. For anyone interested in further research, a good place to begin looking is any area where sea-going vessels disappear or strange and theoretically extinct animals stroll out of the undergrowth.

Although most brigadoons do have a generalised geographical location to which they are anch.o.r.ed, occasionally one loses this point of contact and floats randomly across the worlds, coming to earth again in any time or place. Evidence suggests that the Wandering SHOPS use some kind of controlled version of this phenomenon on their travels.

Ching Aling. Method of divining used by the Hublandish. It involves the throwing of yarrow sticks into the air, observing the ensuing pattern, interpreting the results using a reference book and pretending you have the faintest idea what it's talking about. (Example: the Octogram 8,887: Illegality, the Unatoning Goose.) [M]

Chinny, Clarence. The Ankh-Morpork Consul to Zlobenia. He used to work in the Patrician's Office, and he has been out of the city for five years at the time we meet him. At school, he was not a good fighter but no one could beat him over the 100 yard dash. [MR]

Chriek, Otto. Vampire iconographer with the Ankh-Morpork Times. He is thin and pale with thin, blue-veined hands, a carefully-cut widow's peak and skinny black-clad legs. He wears little, oval dark gla.s.ses. He has a ridiculous accent which grows thicker or thinner depending on who he is talking to. Otto is a black ribb.o.n.e.r a member of the vampires' League of TEMPERANCE. He is quite an innovator in the world of Discworld photography and he is working on such new processes as colour printing and the obscurograph a camera to take pictures with DARK LIGHT. His use of salamanders for flash pictures causes him some problems and he used to deal with this by carrying a card saying: 'DO NOT BE ALARMED. The former bearer of this card has suffered a minor accident. You will need a drop of blood from any species, and a dustpan and brush'. Later, he refined his recovery technique by carrying a small bottle of blood on a string around his neck this breaks on the floor if he turns to dust as a result of a salamander flash. Otto suffers for his art. He wears shiny black shoes and a red-lined opera cloak (with pockets for his gear) and also wears the only photographer's jacket with tails.

Christine. A singer at the Ankh-Morpork OPERA HOUSE who, prior to joining the Opera, had spent three years with Mme Venturi at the Quirm Conservatory. If this had an improving effect on her voice, we can only speculate that beforehand it was used to frighten large animals. She is slightly built (and has gone to some pains to make herself look even thinner) has long, blond hair and a voice that seems to have an excited little squeak permanently attached to it. The impression she gives is that she simply cannot get a whole idea into her head in one go, but has to nibble it into manageable bits. Nevertheless, she really does look good on stage and has that quality to which mere talent comes a poor second. [M!!!!!]

Chrysoprase. (also Krysoprase [LF], and Chrystophrase [WS]). Well, trolls were never good at spelling. A troll gang leader and extortionist; when he demands an arm and a leg in payment, he means it. Owns the Cavern, a troll nightclub, and wears jewellery made from the diamond teeth of other troll gangsters who have come second in their business dealings with him. Unlike most trolls he wears a suit and a tie with a diamond pin. He is said to be big in the BRECCIA, a rather inefficiently organised troll crime syndicate. [MAA]

Chubby. A swamp dragon. Rescued by Lady RAMKIN from a blacksmith in Easy Street. Exploded by Edward D'EATH. His blue collar was an important clue in one of the Night WATCH'S few real homicide cases. [MAA]

Chume. The Notorious Herring Thrower. [RM]

Churn, Ezrolith. Very old wizard and a former ARCHCHANCELLOR of Unseen University. He had been writing a treatise on 'Some Little Known Aspects of Kuian Rain-Making Rituals'. [E]

Circle Sea. A sizeable but almost landlocked sea approximately halfway between the Hub and the Rim, opening at its Turnwise side into the Rim Ocean. Its princ.i.p.al trading ports are Ankh-Morpork, on the STO PLAINS coast, and AL KHALI and EPHEBE on the Rimwards side. Discworld civilisation, which can broadly be defined as those countries that have invented the fork as well as the knife, is found around its historic coasts.

Circ.u.mfence. A barrier built by the Kingdom of KRULL around almost a third of the Disc, to catch salvage. The biggest construction ever built on the Disc. Seven navies used to patrol it constantly to keep it in repair and bring its salvage back to Krull. However, the repair work now seems to have ceased. [COM, TLH]

Civil War. The Ankh-Morpork Civil War ran from 8.32 p.m., Grune 3, 432 to 10.45 a.m., Grune 4, 432 (but see the Discworld CALENDAR by the calendar now commonly used, this would have been 1688). The origins of the war have always been the subject of heated debate among historians. There are two theories: 1. The common people, having been heavily taxed by a particularly stupid and unpleasant king, decided that enough was enough and that it was time to do away with the outmoded concept of monarchy and replace it with, as it turned out, a series of despotic overlords who still taxed heavily but at least had the decency not to pretend the G.o.ds had given them the right to do it, which made everyone feel a bit better, or 2. One of the players in a game of CRIPPLE MR ONION in a tavern accused another of palming more than the usual number of aces, and knives were drawn, and then someone hit someone with a bench, and then someone else stabbed someone, and arrows started to fly, and someone swung on a chandelier, and a carelessly hurled axe hit someone in the street, and then the WATCH was called in, and someone set fire to the place, and someone hit a lot of people with a table, and then everyone lost their tempers and commenced fighting.

According to the history books, the decisive battle that ended the Ankh-Morpork Civil War was fought between two handfuls of bone-weary men in a swamp early one misty morning and, although one side claimed victory, it ended with a practical score of Humans 0, Ravens 1,000, which is the case with most battles.

The famous fire during the Civil War is noteworthy simply because it was started by both sides at the same time in order to stop the city falling into enemy hands. It was not otherwise impressive; the ANKH had been particularly high that summer, and most of the city was too damp to burn. [MP]

Map of the Circle Sea area Clacks. The semaph.o.r.e system now taking over as the princ.i.p.al method of communicating over long distances on Discworld. There are now clacks towers all over Ankh-Morpork, the Sto Plains, and all the way to Lancre, These are s.p.a.ced at eight-mile intervals, each tower being 150 feet high. uberwald and beyond. Watchmen in Ankh-Morpork now carry mini-clacks paddles to communicate with each other across the city whilst they are on the move. The roofs of Ankh-Morpork are now a forest of clacks towers, winking and twinking and twinkling in the sunlight. The big tower on the Tump is one end of the Grand Trunk that winds more than 2000 miles to Genua.

Cleph-ptah-re. Past Queen of Djelibeybi. TEPPIC'S aunt. [P]

Clete, Mr. Secretary of the MUSICIANS' GUILD. Had a pointed nose and a strange, mirthless laugh ('Hat. Hat. Hat.'). He looked like something you might get if you extracted fossilised genetic material from something in amber and then gave it a suit.

For some years he was very active in Ankh-Morpork's Guild system, into which he fitted like a moray eel fits into a reef.

Many people have sought power by great feats of arms or complex diplomatic negotiations, but Clete followed what we might call the Grand Vizier road to power. He did things. Trivial and thankless but essential things. Keeping Minutes, for example (after all, no one remembers what they decided until they read the Minutes). Making sure the membership roll is quite up to date. Filing. Organising. He worked hard on behalf of the THIEVES' GUILD, although he wasn't a thief (at least in the normal sense). Then there was a rather more senior vacancy in the FOOLS' GUILD, and Mr Clete was no fool and took it immediately. And finally there was the Secretaryship of the MUSICIANS' GUILD. Since technically he should have been a musician, he bought a comb and paper. Mr Clete believed in organisation rather more than he believed in the people and things that needed organising. [SM]

Clockson, Jeremy. He was left on the doorstep of the Guild of Clockmakers in a basket when he was a few days old and has been a member of the Guild since then, as a foundling. He was (although past tense is somewhat problematical here) a thin lad who never laughed. He grew up healthy, in body at least, and with an absolute genius for clockmaking to the exclusion of everything else, such as proper human relationships, the ability to be sensibly untidy, intelligent conversation and so on. He also had a perfect, even pathologically accurate, sense of time. On the table by his bed he had a row of alarm clocks, currently under test; he'd set them for seven and then would wake up at 6.59 to check that they went off on time. Jeremy has an interesting relationship with TIME and with Lobsang LUDD and, in the problematical sense alluded to above, still does. [TOT]

Clogston, Major. An officer in the Borogravian Army Provost's Office. At first impression, the Major is a smart young man, with half-moon reading gla.s.ses and a blood sugar disorder which means he needs to eat regularly. Known, to some colleagues, as Christine. [MR]

Clubs and societies. Ankh-Morpork has a wide range of clubs catering for its vast population. These include: Ankh Committee on Safety [UA]

Ankh-Morpork Trespa.s.sers' Society (was Explorers' Society) [UA]

BRECCIA [SM].

Caged Birds Society, Ankh-Morpork [TT]

Campaign for Dead Rights [TFE]

Campaign for Equal Heights A pressure group to ensure and enforce equable treatment for dwarfs in Ankh-Morpork. And this is strange because, unlike trolls, dwarfs have never really been the subject of discrimination and are the city's largest ethnic group after humans themselves. Most of the Campaign's committee are human. [H]

Cavern Club a sort of Kennel Club for the breeders of pedigree swamp dragons. Not to be confused with the Cavern, in Quarry Lane, which is a club for the cooler sort of human and the nastier sort of troll. [GG, SM]

c.o.c.kbill Boars (AM football club) [UA]

Country Landowners' a.s.sociation [MAA]

Dimwell Old Pals (AM football club) (colours pink & green) [UA]

Dolly Sisters' Baking & Flower Circle [TT]

Dolly Sisters Football Club (colours white & black) [UA]

Dolly Sisters Players [UA]

ELUCIDATED BRETHREN OF THE EBON NIGHT.

Fidgett's exclusive gentlemen's club in Ankh-Morpork [TOT]

Fine Art Appreciation Society (A-M) believed by Sergeant Colon to be an excuse for men to 'paint pictures of women in the nudd' [GG]

Floral Arranging Society, Ankh-Morpork [TT]

Folk-Dance & Song Club (M) not much is known except that one of its keenest members is Corporal 'n.o.bby' n.o.bbs of the City WATCH. This is like finding King Herod attending meetings of the Bethlehem Playgroup a.s.sociation. [GG]

FRESH START CLUB.

Friendly Flamethrowers' League another dragon organisation. Whereas the Cavern Club judges, however, would award points for pointiness of ear and healthiness of scale, the Flamethrowers are a much jollier bunch whose dragon shows include categories like The Dragon Who the Judges Would Most Like To Cook On. [GG, MAA]

Funny Vegetable Society, Ankh-Morpork [TT]

Golem Trust, The [GP, MM]

Illuminated & Ancient Brethren of Ee one of Ankh-Morpork's many well-known secret societies [GG]

League of Decency (AM) [MM]

Little Sisters of Perpetual Velocity (Ephebian) [UA]

Merry Pranksters, The [FGD]

Nap Hill Jolly Pals [TT]

Nap Hill United (AM football club) [UA]

Offler's League of Temperance (wear a blue ribbon) [H]

Peeled Nuts, The The Ankh-Morpork Historical Re-Creation Society [FC]

Pigsty Hill Pork Packers (AM football club) [UA]

Pink p.u.s.s.yCat Club (Ankh-Morpork [T!]

Recovering Accordion Players Society, Ankh-Morpork [TT]