Turtle Recall Part 34

Wa, Cripple. A beggar who frequented the Pearl Dock, Ankh-Morpork. Well renowned for his floating c.r.a.p game, which occasionally, owing to its closeness to the dock, resulted in the floating, or at least the gentle bobbing, of partic.i.p.ants unmannerly enough to win; he was skilled at switching dice and once diced with DEATH. In person. He had twenty-three people murdered, but did not consider that this in itself meant he was a bad person. [COM, M]

Waddy. Constable on the old city Watch when Sam VIMES first joined up. [NW]

Waggon, Lady Deirdre. Author of a book on etiquette. Very necessary in Ankh-Morpork. In a society that includes professional a.s.sa.s.sins and thieves, the seating arrangements at dinner can take some very careful working out. [MAA]

Wahoonie. A vegetable that grows only in certain parts of HOWONDALAND, where it typically reaches twenty feet in length. It is covered in spikes the colour of earwax, and smells like an anteater that's eaten a very bad ant. Its flavour is prized by connoisseurs and makes everyone else want to be sick. It is banned in many of the cities of the STO PLAINS. Ankh-Morpork is affectionately known as the Great Wahoonie, in the same way that New York is the Big Apple. [MP]

Wallspur. Prophet of the Omnian religion. [SG]

War. One of the Four Hors.e.m.e.n. (His horse is huge and red and the heads of dead warriors hang from the saddle horn.) War is a large, jolly anthropomorphic personification, a bit like your old sports teacher in red armour. He does have a habit of losing the thread and not really listening to people. He lives in an ancient long-house which was full of valhallerian carousing and fighting until his marriage to an ex-Valkyrie, who chucked out what she called 'his no-good friends' and installed a modern black kitchen range where the fire pit had been.

As with many married men of a certain age, War has installed his memory in his wife's head ('Do I like pork?' 'No, dear, it gives you wind.' 'Oh. I thought I liked it.' 'No, dear, you don't.' ) Warbeck, Lucy. A young witch and friend of Tiffany Aching. [HFOS]

Watch, the Ankh-Morpork City. Motto: FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC.

Strength (according to pre-republican records): one commander, five captains, ten sergeants of varying seniority, and a total of forty corporals, lance-corporals, constables and lance-constables, plus a 'city militia' of varying size, depending on need, made up of civilians.

Together these individuals form the Ankh-Morpork police force. It consisted eventually of four loosely linked organisations: the Night Watch, the Day Ward (which had more or less the same functions, but the jurisdiction was exchanged at dawn and dusk), the Palace Guard and the Cable Street Particulars.

The Particulars are believed to have been quite an elite force and combined the roles of secret service and government (i.e., whoever was in the palace) office of investigation. Under the administration of Lord WINDER, however, they became an instrument of terror and oppression, which resulted in the burning of their Watch House during the Glorious Revolution. Subsequently restored, it is currently a dwarf delicatessen.

The Palace Guard were (and are) little more than tough men in armour whose job was (and is) to safeguard the life of whoever pays their wages. The Watches were gate guards, kickers of drunks, pursuers of common thieves, traffic controllers, market superintendents and in general the doers of all the tedious jobs of day-to-day city housekeeping.

Taken together they made quite an important body, but the elevation of the THIEVES' GUILD by Lord VETINARI was the final blow to an inst.i.tution that was already ceasing to have any real function in the city owing to the growth of the Guilds.

For Ankh-Morpork is, in its way, a very democratic place. As it changed from medieval city to the semi-industrialised, multi-species society it is today, there were natural growing pains resulting in a breakdown of law and order and increasing friction between many more-or-less honest citizens and the Watch. This came to a head one day when a Commander of the Watch, faced with a large and angry meeting which was complaining that, what with all this theft and murder and robbery, no one was making as much money as they ought to, warned the throng 'notte to take the law into their owne handes'.

Legend says that the crowd worked this out silently for a minute or two and then, as one man or woman, rose up and threw the Commander into the river, with a chant of 'If it's not in our hands, whose hands is it in?' After that, the existing Guilds began to police themselves and the Watch became increasingly irrelevant. Lord Vetinari's decision to put crime itself under Guild control knocked away the last support.

The Hubward Gate, Ankh-Morpork In a city which runs on power politics, one man's view of morality and a legal system that is made up on the fly out of pragmatic decisions pasted together with spit, there was no room for people who go around asking awkward questions and arresting people for no more reason than that they were guilty of something. So the city prospered while the Watches dwindled away, like a useless appendix, into a handful of unemployables who no one in their right mind could ever take seriously.

The last thing anyone wanted them to do was to get it into their heads to fight crime, and there is some evidence that Lord Vetinari took pains to ensure that the Watch consisted of sad drunks, incompetents and petty criminals too unreliable even to find employment in a Guild.

In the case of the Day Watch (as the old Day Ward has become known) this policy seemed to work extremely well, to the extent that they were pretty much like any other city gang. The Night Watch, such as it was, was too incompetent even to manage criminality. Much of this changed when it was joined by CARROT, who triggered a certain phenomenon: when you throw men down hard enough, they bounce.

By a kind of holy stupidity they believed that, since they were being paid a handful of dollars per month by the city, they therefore had some kind of duty towards it the Night Watch saved the city from a serious dragon attack.

The effect on their own morale was astonishing, and Vetinari was subsequently unable to prevent the Watch from taking on fresh recruits. His insistence that the recruits consist of representatives of ethnic minorities was probably considering the kind of ethnic minorities Ankh-Morpork boasts, such as dwarfs and trolls and undead another attempt to keep it under control. However, fused into something approaching an efficient police force by the suspiciously king-like charisma of CARROT and the cynicism of the then Captain VIMES, they played a prominent role in an attempt upon the life of the PATRICIAN (in thwarting it, that is).

Following the dragon incident, which resulted en pa.s.sant in the destruction of the old Watch House in Treacle Mine Road, the Night Watch was given, by Lady RAMKIN, new premises in Pseudopolis Yard and this is now the official Watch headquarters. Treacle Mine Road is, however, now being reclaimed as another Section House to meet the growing needs of the city.

The Watch is now a modern, go-ahead police force consisting of some one hundred officers (there is a fast turnover, though, because officers with Watch training are frequently 'poached' by other cities.) There are Section Houses in Dolly Sisters, Long Wall and Chittling Street. Smaller stations, not permanently manned, are at most of the main city gates.

A River Patrol is sometimes referred to, and is known to have a small office and slipway beside the MENDED DRUM, but as far as is known its activities consist wholly of trying to dredge up its boat.

Watch policy (that is to say, Sam Vimes's prejudice) is against undue specialisation. There is a small forensics and medical unit (Constable IGOR and Corporal LITTLEBOTTOM) at the Yard, and a recently formed Intelligence Department for the collation of all those snippets of information garnered on the street by the patrols. Occasional experts are temporarily drafted into a plain-clothes section, still known as the Cable Street Particulars, but Watch policy (see above) is also against too much reliance on plain-clothes activity. This may be forced to change as the new Watch becomes more involved in international matters, however, because Vimes occasionally takes on a diplomatic role.

Finally, there is the very recent Traffic Division, also based at the Yard, and masterminded, if that is the word by Sergeant COLON; it would appear a ruse to keep Colon and n.o.bbs out of the way.

The new Training School, now being established in the old lemonade factory off Knuckle Pa.s.sage, is temporarily headed by Commander Vimes but the teaching staff is made up of serving officers. New recruits are encouraged to gain experience at all the stations, although in the case of Chitterling Street, which has the notorious Shades and the docks in its section, this may be far more experience than they bargained for. Chitterling Street is considered a very good posting for a young officer seeking promotion, possibly to a better life in the next world.

And now a note about vice. Ankh-Morpork has no Vice Squad, the Guild of Seamstresses having made it clear that they have enough already and don't need any from the Watch. Watch policy is that the Guild is a co-operative enterprise, better run on behalf of its membership than most Guilds, and officers will not therefore become involved except by invitation or evidence of serious crime.

The day-to-day policing of the salons, houses of negotiable affection, hot bath lobs, parlours, spikies, molly houses and premises of extremely good repute that form the Shades' most energetic trade is left to the Guild, and their enforcers Dotsie and Sadie, locally known as the AGONY AUNTS. They may be considered as highly-specialised constables, whose job is to protect Guild employees from the more enthusiastic customer, and are best left alone, especially Dotsie if you see her left eye start to spin.

THE WATCH OATH.

'I, (recruit's name), do solemnly swear by [recruit's deity of choice] to uphold the Laws and Ordinances of the city of Ankh-Morpork, serve the public trust, and defend the subjects of His/Her (delete whichever is inappropriate) Majesty (name of reigning monarch) without fear, favour, or thought of personal safety; to pursue evildoers and protect the innocent, laying down my life if necessary in the cause of said duty, so help me (aforesaid deity). G.o.ds Save the King/Queen (delete whichever is inappropriate).'

Since Ankh-Morpork has not had a reigning monarch for centuries, recruits are advised to read the oath exactly as printed.

The new recruit will also be asked to take the King's Shilling. The origins of this tradition are also lost in the smogs of time, but there is a shilling (five pence in new money) kept at the Watch headquarters for the purposes and recruits are requested to take it after uttering the oath and then to return it immediately so that it can be taken by the next officer. A chain is attached to it to ensure that it isn't taken too far.

WATCH EQUIPMENT.

One Shirt, Mail, Chain One Helmet, Iron & Copper One Breastplate, Iron Breeches, Knee, Leather, Watchmen for the Use of Cape, Rain, Leather, Watch Officers for the Use of Sandals, Leather, Watch Officers for the Use of (Summer) Boots, Leather, Watch Officers for the Use of (Winter) One Sword, Short, or (One Axe, Battle, Dwarf Officers for the Use of, only) (One Club, Troll Officers for the use of, only) (One adapted paper-knife, gnome officers for the use of, only) One Truncheon, Oak One Emergency Pike or Halberd One Crossbow, or (One Crossbow, Siege, formerly Carriage-Mounted, Triple Stringed 2000 lb, with Windla.s.s, Double-Action, Troll Officers for the Use of, only) One Hourgla.s.s One Bell, Hand, Bra.s.s & Wood One sewing kit (zombie officers only) One pot ceramic cement (golem officers only) One Badge, Office of, Night Watchman's, Copper Specialist equipment, issued as standard to officers on patrol from Chitterling Street and the River Gate sub-station and as required by other officers with business in the Shades area: One blanket, wool, blue, 18"x18" (bogeymen, for the existential confusion of) One religious symbol of Watchman's choice (vampires, for the discouragement of) One discourse of pure reason (vampires, for the discouragement of) THE BADGE OF THE CITY WATCH A HISTORY.

The Ankh-Morpork City Watch was founded, in 1561, by King Veltrick I. It was originally established to look impressive during a state visit by the then Empress of Sto and they were kitted out with full infantry armour including a burnished copper helmet and a copper shield embossed with the legend 'Royal Ankhe-Morepork Citie Watch', the Royal coat of arms and the motto of the Veltrick family 'Make the Day, the Moments Pa.s.s Quickly' FABRICATI DIEM, PUNCTI AGUNT CELERITER.

Veltrick I was murdered by his son, with the a.s.sistance of the Empress of Sto, four days after founding the Watch. Veltrick II did not share his father's interest in having a smart police force, and the Watch was largely forgotten. Over the years that followed, much of this original equipment was lost sometimes damaged during a dangerous arrest, sometimes used to weigh down an officer whose body was being consigned to the Ankh to keep him quiet, sometimes sold off to pay for more pressing needs, such as food or warm clothing.

When Veltrick III took the throne in 1572, he was approached by the city's merchants and agreed to make a modest allowance for the continued running of the City Watch. It was he who commissioned the striking of the first Watch badge, a plain disc or shield of copper (representing the shield which they had originally carried). This disc was stamped with AMCW (for 'Ankh-Morpork City Watch') and the officer's number. These badges were commonly in use by the City Night Watch until recently, although only a handful have survived the intervening years. Vimes certainly clings to his.

After the Watch was instrumental in saving the city from domination by a sixty-foot fire-breathing dragon, the Patrician commissioned a new badge to reflect the increased importance of the Watch to the city, and to allow its numbers to be expanded. Duke Vimes continues to hold his original Watch badge, which is now the only known example outside the Patrician's personal museum in the Palace.

Last year, in recognition of the much enlarged Watch, the badge was further redesigned as the first stage of the creation of a new corporate ident.i.ty for the Ankh-Morpork City Watch. This is likely now to include the introduction of new uniforms, warrants and equipment and has been achieved after discussions between Lord VETINARI and Captain CARROT Ironfoundersson. The new badge also incorporates the new Watch motto: 'The Streets Are Always Safe for Honest Folk' VIAE SUNT SEMPER TUTUS PRO HOMINIBUS PROBIS.

Watchtower, Brother. A member of the Elucidated Brethren of the Ebon Night. A bulky man. [GG]

Weasel, The. A small, cunning and brown-clad swordsman. He and Bravd the Hublander encountered Rincewind and Twoflower, robbing Twoflower of his watch. [COM]

Weatherwax family. Magical apt.i.tude appears to be genetic, and the Weatherwax family (found around the RAMTOPS, particularly in LANCRE) has provided at least two witches of extreme power and one Archchancellor of Unseen University. Unlike the Oggs (a family which traditionally throws up witches but has no recorded wizards) the Weatherwaxes are not gregarious, even amongst themselves.

Weatherwax, Alison. A Weatherwax of whom little is known but who should be included out of completeness and because of the mystery attached to the name.

The registering of births and deaths is not legally compulsory in LANCRE but is invariably done out of social pressure. Even the deaths of former residents a long way off are generally recorded whenever the news turns up, for completeness. It is certain that the birth of an Alison Weatherwax was recorded some 125 years before the present, and equally certain that no death has ever been recorded. This makes it just possible that Granny Weatherwax's own grandmother is still alive, somewhere.

Weatherwax, Esmerelda ('Granny Weatherwax'). Known to all, and not least herself, as the most competent witch on the Discworld.

Granny Weatherwax is the daughter of Violet Weatherwax, and was initially trained in witchcraft by Nanny Gripes, and subsequently other witches who taught her all they knew, after which she taught herself and was a remarkably apt pupil. Witches rarely acknowledge anything as definite or binding as a law but it is generally accepted that, although witch skills tend to run in families, a witch should be trained by someone who is not a relative and witchcraft certainly should not be pa.s.sed from mother to daughter.

She is nominally the village witch of BAD a.s.s in the kingdom of LANCRE, although for practical purposes she regards the whole kingdom and, indeed, anywhere else she happens to be as her rightful domain. She lives in the woods outside the village in a traditional, much-repaired witch's cottage, with beehives and a patch of what might be medicinal plants called the Herbs (the patch is very thick, tends to move when there is no wind, and pa.s.sers-by swear that the small flowers it occasionally produces turn to watch them). (See also GRANNY'S COTTAGE.) She owns a broomstick, originally borrowed by an urban witch called Hilta GOATFOUNDER but technically not the same one because it has been entirely replaced over the years by spare parts. Despite the best efforts of dwarf engineers everywhere, it cannot be started without a considerable amount of running up and down with it in gear.

Granny Weatherwax's personal history is obscure, a fact which clearly suits her. It is known that she remained at home when her elder sister, Lily, left Lancre in dubious circ.u.mstances, and there is some suggestion of cruelty in the family. She nursed her mother until she died.

Beyond that, the picture is of a formidable character with every necessary attribute for the cla.s.sical 'bad witch' a quick temper, a compet.i.tive, selfish and ambitious nature, a sharp tongue, an unshakeable conviction of her own moral probity, and some considerable mental and occult powers including a piercing blue cut-you-off-at-the-knees gaze. But, in fact, Granny Weatherwax's practical history puts her on the 'good' side of the ledger, in the same way that a cold shower and brisk run are good they might sting a bit at the time but you'll feel all the better for it later.

She now owns a kitten, given to her by Tiffany Aching, and called, by her, 'You'.

Weatherwax, Galder. Supreme Grand Conjurer of the Order of the Silver Star, Lord Imperial of the Sacred Staff, Eighth-Level Ipsissimus and 304th ARCHCHANCELLOR of Unseen University. An elderly, powerful and impressive-looking man, even dressed as we first saw him in a red nightshirt with hand-embroidered mystic runes (from which bony legs protrude), long cap with a bobble, Wee Willie Winkie candlestick and fluffy pom-pom slippers. He smoked a pipe the size of a small incinerator and was a distant relative of Esme Weatherwax a cousin, it is believed. [LF]

Weatherwax, Lily. Elder sister of Esmerelda 'Granny' Weatherwax.

A fairy G.o.dmother. She was banished from the family home by her mother when she was just thirteen, after which she has had a speckled and profitable career as a witch and lady of fortune. Discworld society, while not formally offering much in the way of opportunity and careers to women, is all the more accessible to a woman of keen intelligence and flexible morality. Three husbands were acquired in the course of her progress; she has buried all three, and at least two of them were already dead.

Give or take the odd laughter-line and wrinkle, she is Granny Weatherwax to the life, although she looks younger than her younger sister. Moralists would say that this is because sin is easier than virtue, but moralists always say this sort of thing and some sin is quite difficult and requires specialised equipment.

She ran the city kingdom of GENUA with a sugary kind of cruelty, and she was an expert at mirror magic, so that she could observe the world through anything that can hold a reflection. This, in a contest with her sister, turned out to be her undoing Lily had become so good at thinking of the world in terms of reflections that she had lost sight of the real one. She is still referred to in the present tense because, if she has in fact died, there has certainly been no body found.

While (see MAGIC) there is no Discworld concept of 'black' magic, the use of magic to steer the lives of other people for your own benefit is regarded in the same way (certainly it is by Granny Weatherwax, except of course on those occasions when it is she who is doing it). Lily is probably a good example of a Discworld 'wicked witch' the criterion here being less what it is that you do and far more what you had in mind when you did it. [WA]

Weavall, Mr. A bald, short-sighted, ninety-one-year-old man, who Tiffany Aching used to visit with Miss LEVEL. His wife Nancy and children, Toby and Mary, are all dead. He comes into a large sum of money and marries the Widow Tussy. [HFOS]

Weaver. A thatcher in Lancre. Married to Eva. He is a member of the Lancre Morris Men. [LL]

Weezen. A hunter from Slice, who once shot a hare in the leg when Granny Weatherwax was 'borrowing' it. [LL]

Wen. Wen the Eternally Surprised. He founded the order of HISTORY Monks, wrote the Books of History to tell how the story should go and sawed the first Procrastinator from the trunk of a wamwam tree. He was bald as a coot and looked like a young man who had been young for a very long time. He never raised a hand to any man in his life, although he is traditionally held to be the inventor of Deja Fu, a hands-free fighting technique. Wen fell in love with and married TIME (in her incarnation as a beautiful if somewhat sad woman) and was/is the father of Lobsang LUDD and Jeremy CLOCKSON. [TOT]

Wheedown, Blert. Author of a guitar primer and a highly skilled maker of guitars. When Music With Rocks In hit Ankh-Morpork he found that, for a certain type of guitarist, how the instrument looks is far, far more important than how it sounds. It made him want to cry, especially since it made him rich. [SM]

Wheelbrace, Eric. Champion walker and supreme champion of the right to roam at will, despite all obstacles wires, fences, trolls, battles, ravines, etc. He disappeared when attempting to walk across the DANCERS in Lancre. [TGL]

Wheels, Gabby. An elderly farm worker who helps with the harvest on Miss Flitworth's farm. He hardly ever speaks, and so he is called 'Gabby' because of that famous sense of humour for which country people are so well known. [RM]

Whemper, Goodie. The witch who trained Magrat GARLICK. A great collector of books about MAGIC (she had about twelve, a considerable number for a witch). She was a research witch (see RESEARCH WITCHCRAFT) and she died in an accident while testing whether a broomstick could survive having its bristles pulled out one by one in mid-air. The answer, apparently, was 'no'.

Mention of her name is always followed by 'may she rest in peace'. Witches do not follow any religion, but that is no reason, they say, to deny anyone some peaceful rest. [WS, LL]

Whiteface, Dr. Head of the FOOLS' GUILD. He is a white-faced clown deadpan white make-up, thin mouth painted into a wide grin and delicate black eyebrows. He wears a pointy hat and shiny white clothes. In short, he's the clown all the other clowns are afraid of. Clowns are very possessive about their make-up but remarkably careless of their names (there are vast armies of Joeys and Boffos, for example) and it is very likely that 'Dr Whiteface' is the generic name for the head clown. [MAA]

Whitlow, Mrs. Housekeeper at Unseen University and commander of its below-stairs servant army. She is a very fat woman (restrained by whalebone) with a face full of chins and a ginger wig. Her glossy skin looks like a warmed candle, and she has an unwise attraction to the colour pink for clothing and furnishings. She can certainly loom though mostly only horizontally. There was presumably a Mr Whitlow once upon a time, but he is never discussed. She is the subject of some mild undirected fantasies among senior members of the faculty, especially after her behaviour during the craze for Music With Rocks In.

Wiggs, Jocasta. A trainee a.s.sa.s.sin and a member of a famous Guild family. She once had a fairly messy encounter with Sam VIMES during a Guild practical exercise. [NW]

Willie, Boy. Member of the Silver Horde. A.K.A. Mad Bill and Wilhelm the Chopper. A rather dried-up old man, but known as Boy Willie because he was (at under eighty) the youngest member of the Silver Horde. He wore very thick boots because he had both legs shorter than the other, a very rare medical condition. [IT, TLH]

Willikins. One of VITOLERS'S strolling players, who specialises in female roles. Willikins is also the name of Lady RAMKIN'S butler, a most polished retainer who started with them as the scullery boy. During the events of Jingo, he signed up with Lord Venturi's Heavy Infantry, and found that his expertise with the carving knife was a good training for the battlefield. He also used to belong to the Shamlegger Street Rude Boys, where his weapon of choice was a cap brim sewn with sharpened pennies.

Wilkinson. Warder at the TANTY.

Winder, Lord. Patrician of Ankh-Morpork during the early events of Night Watch. He was unpleasantly plump, with the pink jowliness of a man of normal build who had eaten too much rich food, and extremely paranoid. This was because people were trying to kill him. [NW]

Winkings, Arthur and Doreen. (See NOTFAROUTOE, COUNT AND COUNTESS.) Wintler, Mr. Josia Wintler (aged forty-five) of 12b Martlebury Street, Ankh-Morpork, is a small man, with a beaming red face one of those people blessed with the permanent expression of someone who has just heard a rather saucy joke. He specialises in growing amusingly-shaped vegetables. [TT]

Winton, Mad Al. One of the SMOKING GNU, with Alex CARLTON.

Wisdom. Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom. Wisdom is also a lot wiser the further away it is; any old thing written down by some bald man with lots of Zs and Xs in his name is bound, under this rule, to sound a whole lot wiser than the same thing written down by the man next door.

This applies especially if the putative wise man lives up above the snowline somewhere. No one says: If he's so wise, why isn't he on the beach?

Wistley, Shaker. Boot-fetishist in Creel Springs, near Lancre. [WA]

Witch, The. A shape made of water-deposited limestone at one of the lesser-known entrances to the LANCRE caves, which is in a narrow valley in the most mountainous region of the country; it looks like a seated old woman. Although there is no formal prohibition on men using this entrance, very few venture very far inside. There is always some pressing reason to go back.

Among the caves accessible from this entrance is one which, because of some curiosity of the rock, is totally impervious to thought.

Witches and Witchcraft. (See witches by individual name, and extensive entries under MAGIC.) Witch's cottage. Although the basic unit of witchcraft is the witch, the basic continuous unit is the cottage. The cottage may have different inc.u.mbents over the years, but people seeking cow cures and other items will go to it as much as to the witch.

A witch's cottage is a very specific architectural item, to the extent that 'Middle Period Witch' is a recognisable style. The chimney twists like a corkscrew. The roof thatch is so old that small trees flourish in it, the floors are switchbacks, which creak at night like a tea clipper in a gale. If at least two walls aren't sh.o.r.ed up with baulks of timber then it's not a true witch's cottage, but merely the home of some daft old bat who reads tea leaves and talks to her cat.

Granny Weatherwax's cottage Despite some popular misinformation, there have been few cottages made out of gingerbread, a singularly impractical building material outside those areas where the high ambient magic can compensate for the tendency of the walls to go stale and soggy.

Chicken legs (or duck, in swampy areas) are a popular addition.

Witches' cottages get very sensitive to the moods of their occupant. The home of Granny Weatherwax is so typical of the type that the more detailed information found under GRANNY'S COTTAGE can be taken to apply to the homes of most witches.

Witch Trials. A major Lancre festival. A general get-together when witches from all over the Ramtops come and meet in a typical witchy atmosphere of sisterhood and goodwill i.e., all nice smiles over the top of a seething ma.s.s of envy, scurrilous gossip and general touchiness. The witches show off tricks and spells developed during the year in a spirit of friendly co-operation to see who is going to come second to Granny Weatherwax, although this is all in fun and not a serious contest. And if you believe that, there is no hope for you. The Trials are followed by a bonfire and more gossip. [SALF, NOCB]

Withel, Stren. In his time, the second-greatest thief in Ankh-Morpork. A cruel swordsman and a disgruntled contender for the t.i.tle of nastiest man in the world. He has one eye, and a scar-crossed face, and he dresses in black (he was thrown out of the a.s.sa.s.sINS' GUILD for enjoying himself too much). [COM]

Withel, Theda. A milkmaid who became a famous actress in moving pictures. She was called Ginger by her friends, but adopted or at least had adopted on her behalf the screen name of Delores de Syn. She was around 5' 2" tall and, although she was not beautiful, the magic of moving pictures could give you real trouble in believing this. The word 'vivacious' springs to mind. Current whereabouts and occupation unknown, but they probably do not involve any kind of livestock. [MP]

Wizards' Pleasaunce. A small, newt-haunted meadow in a horseshoe bend in the ANKH near Unseen University. On summer evenings, if the wind is blowing towards the river, it is a nice area for a stroll. Traditionally, wizards are allowed to bathe naked in the river from there. None in recent history has taken advantage of this privilege. Jumping up and down on the Ankh does not have the same appeal, in any case. [S]

Wonse, Lupine. Former Secretary to Lord VETINARI. Wonse was one of life's subordinates, who rose from his childhood in the SHADES. He was neat, and always gave the impression of just being completed. Even his hair was so smoothed-down and oiled that it looked as though it had been painted on. As the Supreme Grand Master of the ELUCIDATED BRETHREN OF THE EBON NIGHT, he was responsible for the summoning of a great dragon to try and usurp the PATRICIAN. He achieved an accidental death while in WATCH custody owing to the literal-mindedness of the then Lance-constable CARROT, who threw the book at him. [GG]

de Worde, William. See under 'D'

Worrier, Lappet-faced. (also known as the Lancre Wowhawk, i.e., similar to a goshawk but less forcible). A hawk. Small and short-sighted. It prefers to walk everywhere, and it faints at the sight of blood. It is a carnivore permanently on the look-out for the vegetarian option. It spends much of its time asleep and, when forced to find food, tends to sit on a branch out of the wind somewhere and wait for something to die. When it is on a perch, it will often end up sleeping upside down. It would take several Worriers to kill even a small sick pigeon, and they would probably do it by boring it to death. The only way you can reliably bring prey down with a Wowhawk is by using it as a slingshot. Peculiar to LANCRE, where it is the hawk that queens are allowed to fly. [LL]

Wow-Wow Sauce. A mixture of mature Sc.u.mBLE, pickled cuc.u.mbers, capers, mustard, mangoes, figs, grated WAHOONIE, anchovy essence, asafoetida, sulphur and saltpetre. Much admired by Mustrum RIDCULLY, current ARCHCHANCELLOR of Unseen University.

Wow-Wow Sauce is one of those ent.i.ties which, like chess, has an existence that spans worlds and dimensions. On Earth it was pioneered by Dr William Kitchiner (1775-1827), although without the grated wahoonie and several of the more explosive ingredients.

The only condiment more dangerous than Wow-Wow Sauce is the rare Three Mile Island salad dressing.

WOW-WOW SAUCE: The Off-Discworld Version Unlike Mustrum Ridcully's more explosive creation, this is not very hot and can safely be eaten near a naked flame.

b.u.t.ter or, for non-wizards, the subst.i.tute of choice, a lump about the size of an egg plain flour, 1 tablespoon beef stock, (1/2) pint English mustard, 1 teaspoon white wine vinegar, 1 dessertspoon port, 1 tablespoon mushroom concentrate, 1 tablespoon freeze-dried parsley, 1 heaped tablespoon pickled walnuts, chopped, 4 salt, freshly ground black pepper, to taste Melt the b.u.t.ter or b.u.t.ter subst.i.tute in a saucepan. Stir in the flour and work in the beef stock. Stir continuously on a moderate heat until you have a smooth, thick sauce.

Stir in the made-up mustard, the wine vinegar, the port and the mushroom concentrate. Add a sprinkling of salt and freshly ground black pepper, and continue to cook the mixture for about 10 minutes.

Add the parsley and the walnuts; warm them through, and serve.

This sauce, when added to roast beef, will earn a vote of thanks from the ghost of the steer. We are unable to comment on its keeping qualities the question has never arisen.

There are a number of recipes for Wow-Wow Sauce. Its apparent inventor, Dr Kitchiner, used pickled cuc.u.mbers and capers in preference to the walnuts we felt they obscured some of the delicate flavours. But feel free to experiment. Worcestershire Sauce has been suggested as a subst.i.tute for the mushroom concentrate and port, but some of the delicacy of the flavour might again be lost. Big changes in the taste of the sauce can be made by quite small variations in the proportions of the vinegar and the mustard generally, the higher the proportion of wine vinegar the sharper and more piquant the sauce (a tarter version can be made by increasing the wine vinegar to a tablespoonful and reducing the mustard to half a teaspoon).