Turtle Recall Part 29

Small G.o.ds' Eve. Falls on the occasion of first midsummer. [COM]

Smeems, Natchbull. A candle knave at Unseen University. He has the never-ending job of keeping the candlesticks, sconces and candelabra of UU filled. People do not like Mr Smeems. A man could be dogmatic, and that was all right, or he could be stupid, and no harm done, but stupid and dogmatic at the same time was too much, especially fluxed with body odour. [UA]

Smith, Eskarina. (See ESK.) Smith, Gordo. Blacksmith in BAD a.s.s. Not very tall (blacksmiths often aren't; it's amazing how many are short, wiry men). The father of ESK. Also father of Jaims, Cern and Gulta. [ER]

Smith, Howondaland. A balgrog hunter. No one knows what a balgrog is, perhaps because he has never actually caught one. During the great day of the Discworld moving picture industry, it was generally accepted as looking like Morry the troll painted green with wings stuck on. [MP]

Smith, John. Count Vargo St Gruet von Vilinus. President of the Ankh-Morpork Mission of the uberwald League of Temperance. He now collects bananas and makes models of human organs out of matchsticks because he thinks hobbies make you more human. He smokes a pipe and wears a badly hand-knitted pullover in a queasy zig-zag pattern of strange, unhappy colours. The sort of thing knitted as a present by a colour-blind aunt. The sort of thing you wouldn't dare throw away in case the rubbish collectors laughed at you and kicked your bins over [T!]

Smith, Thomas. Owner of Stronginthearm's Iron Founders, Beaters and General Forging in Five And Seven Yard, Ankh-Morpork. Not a dwarf by birth, but he has changed his name, grown a beard and taken to wearing an iron helmet in an effort to capitalise on all dwarf craftsmen's reputation for quality. To his scornful delight, the Campaign for Equal Heights (which is run by humans, most dwarfs being too busy to bother with that sort of thing) have fallen out over his case. Some members consider that since he is clearly posing as a dwarf for commercial gain this is an affront to dwarfs worldwide, while others point out that actual height was never mentioned among the definitions of a dwarf in the Campaign's charter, because it was considered sizeist. In the meantime, Thomas Stronginthearm is making an extra twenty pence on the dollar. [FOC]

Smoking Gnu. A secret society of three clacks nerds Mad Al WINTON, Sane Alex CARLTON, Undecided Adrian EMERY. They were a group of outlaw signallers who rented s.p.a.ce on the roof of the Ankh-Morpork Post Office. They designed 'The Woodp.e.c.k.e.r' a plan to knock out every tower on the Grand Trunk system.

Alex and Al were old men in the clacks business. When Reacher GILT'S consortium had taken over, and they'd been fired from the Grand Trunk on the same day that Adrian had been fired from the ALCHEMISTS' GUILD chimney, in their case because they'd spoken their mind about the new management and in his case before he hadn't moved fast enough when the beaker started to bubble.

The trio had done the kind of aimless jobs available to new square pegs in a world of old round holes, but every night, high above, the clacks flashed its messages. It was so close, so inviting, so . . . accessible. Everyone knew, in some vague, half understood way, the Grand Trunk had been stolen in all but name. So they'd started an informal little company of their own, which used the Grand Trunk without the Grand Trunk knowing.

It was a little like stealing. It was exactly like stealing. It was, in fact, stealing. But there was no law against it because no one knew the crime existed, so is it really stealing if what's stolen isn't missed? And is it stealing if you're stealing from thieves? Anyway, all property is theft, except mine. [GP]

Smother, Dolores. Madam of a tent of ill repute on a military encampment in Borogravia. A lumpy, crowlike woman with little beady eyes, wearing black bombazine. [MR]

Snackes, The Joye of. Written by a Lancre Witch (no, not Granny Weatherwax). Well, all right, it was written by Nanny OGG. This tome rapidly became a best-seller due to its, erm, well, unusual recipes, which seemed to be able to achieve improvements in even the dullest of s.e.x-lives. Better-known recipes include: Banana Soup Surprise Celery Astonishment Chocolate Delight with Special Secret Sauce Cinnamon and Marshmallow Fingers Famous Carrot and Oyster Pie Maids of Honour (although they generally end up Tarts) Nibbles with Special Party Dip Porridge (with Honey Mixture) Spotted d.i.c.k Strawberry Wobbler Fortunately, we are unable to include the ill.u.s.trations . . . [M!!!!!]

Snapcase, Mad Lord. A past Patrician of Ankh-Morpork. In fact, Lord Snapcase took over from Lord WINDER, and he was from much the same mould, although with fancier waistcoats and more chins and a snuffbox. [NW]

Snell, Rebecca. Schoolfriend of SUSAN, one of whose earliest intimations of immortality was seeing a TOOTH FAIRY by Rebecca's bed. [SM]

Snoriscousin, Snori. Leader of Snori Snoriscousin and His Bra.s.s Idiots a traditional dwarf band. [SM]

Snouty. Cecil 'Snouty' Clapman. Past Watchman in Ankh-Morpork. He was the gaoler at the Treacle Mine Road Watch House. Snouty was a breathy little man, who survived by keeping his eye on which way the political wind was blowing and by being able to lay his hands on just about anything (there is someone like that in most nicks.) He once had his nose broken in a fight, and it was spread all over his face. This incident has left him with permanently watery eyes and with a habit of making a sort of nose-clearing noise when he talks . . . a bit like 'hnah'. It is very possible that the blow also scrambled his brain. [NW]

Soak, Ronald. 'Ronald Soak, Hygienic Dairyman. Established' is painted on the side of his cart. Ronnie is quite short, and his regulation blue-and-white striped ap.r.o.n almost touches the floor. See also KAOS. [TOT]

Sock, Gerhardt. A member of the BUTCHERS' GUILD, and a master butcher. [MAA]

Songs and Music of the Disc. The nations of the Disc at least, in those areas so far chronicled are musically inclined, although their taste is not necessarily commendable. Songs are either traditional folk melodies ('The Hedgehog Song'), cheap popular music of the blow-your-nose-ain't-it-so variety ('Carry Me Away From Old Ankh-Morpork'), or religious songs ('Claws of Iron Shall Rend the UnG.o.dly' and, arguably, anything about gold sung by dwarfs). There are hints of a cla.s.sic and baroque tradition in Ankh-Morpork, and presumably the opera house must have some raw material, but so far the hints allow no conclusions to be drawn.

t.i.tles recorded are: All the Little Angels (How Do They Rise Up?) [NW]

Amber & Jasper [MP]

Ankh-Morpork Malady [RM]

Ankh-Morpork! Ankh-Morpork! So Good They Named it Ankh-Morpork! [RM]

Ball of Philodelphus, The [E]

Ballad of Amber and Jasper, The [MP]

Bells of St Ungulant's, The [H]

Bonny Flowers, The [HFOS]

Carry Me Away from Old Ankh-Morpork [RM]

Cavern Deep, Mountain High [SM]

Claws of Iron Shall Rend the UnG.o.dly [SG]

Colonel c.r.a.pski[MR]

Devil Shall Be My Sergeant, The [MR]

Dingdong, Dingdong [WA]

Don't Tread On My New Blue Boots [SM]

Gathering Rhubarb [SM]

Girl I Left Behind Me, The [MR]

Give Me that Music with Rocks in [SM]

Gold [MAA]

Good Gracious, Miss Polly [SM]

He is Trampling the Unrighteous with Hooves of Hot Iron [SG]

Hedgehog Cakewalk [CJ]

Hedgehog Can Never Be b.u.g.g.e.red At All, The [WS]

Hiho Song, The [MP]

I Fear I'm Going Back to Ankh-Morpork [RM]

Ich Bin Ein Ratta.r.s.edschwein (from The Student Horse) [CJ]

I Wish I'd Never Kissed Her [MR]

Johnny Has Gone for a Soldier [MR]

Larks They Sang Melodious, The (also Pleasant and Delightful) [ISWM]

Lift Me to the Skies [CJ]

Light the Good Light [CJ]

Lo, the Infidels Flee the Wrath of Om [SG]

May I Suck of the Water Pure [TT]

Om Is In His Holy Temple [CJ]

Om Shall Trample the UnG.o.dly [CJ]

Pathway to Paradise [SM]

Pedlar's Song, The [M!!!!!]

Plogviehze! (The Sun Has Risen! Let's Make Beer!) [MR]

Prancing Queen [TLC]

Questa Maledetta [M!!!!!]

Red Rosy Hen [H]

She Sits Among the Cabbages and Leeks [M!!!!!]

Sioni Bod Da [SM]

Something's Gotten into My Beard [SM]

Steady Progress and Limited Disobedience While Retaining Well-Formulated Good Manners (a big hit in Hunghung) [IT]

Sto Helit Lace [SM]

Streets of Ankh-Morpork, The [RM]

Sweet Polly Oliver [MR]

There's a Great Deal of Shaking Happening [SM]

Twelve Days of Hogswatch, The [H]

Twilight Serenade (TEARS of the Mushroom) [SN]

Waking in Sunshine [TT]

Way of the Infidel is a Nest of Thorns, The [SG]

We Shall Overcome [RM]

Where Has All the Custard Gone (Jelly's Just Not the Same) [TFE, NOCB]

Winkle's No Use If You Don't Have a Pin, A [M!!!!!]

Wizard's Staff Has a k.n.o.b on the End, A [WS]

World Turned Upside Down, The [MR]

Wouldn't It Be Nice If Everyone Was Nice (a haunting refrain) [H]

Song Sung Lo, General. Author of The Craft of War. He once moved his army disguised as a field of sunflowers. [MR]

Sonky, Wallace. Ankh-Morpork tradesman and maker of rubber boots and other . . . goods. Sonky's shop smells of incontinent cats and sulphur, an unfortunate aspect of the chemicals used in his trade. Sonky had a brother in uberwald, who is likely to continue the family business which must, after all, be very profitable. Mr Sonky gave his name to the street term for his 'Penny-a-Packet Preventatives' a packet of sonkies. These come in an extensive range, including Sonky's Eversure Dependables and Sonky's Ribbed Magical Delights. [TFE]

Soon, Shine Sun. Runs the Shonky Shop in Clay Lane, Ankh-Morpork (a shonky shop being, more or less, the second-hand clothes shop of last resort.) He is a small, glossy little man, totally bald, and wears some vague clothing that presumably even a shonky shop hadn't been able to sell. He is, besides, a HISTORY monk of the secret Ankh-Morpork section. [NW]

Soto, Marco. A member of the Ankh-Morpork section of the HISTORY MONKS. A heavy young man in a grubby yellow robe and with very long, black hair. Actually, to say that it's black and bound up in a ponytail is to miss the chance to use the word 'elephantine'. It is hair with personality. Master Soto is a hard-working and friendly monk . . . provided you don't touch his hair. History Monks are supposed to have shaved heads but Soto argues that, underneath his hair, he is bald. He is the man who found Lobsang LUDD for the Order. [NW]

Soul Cake Days. The first Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday after the first half-moon in Sektober.

A STO PLAINS/RAMTOPS festival roughly corresponding to the traditional European/North American festivals of Hallowe'en and Bonfire Night. Celebrated both by dwarfs (Bobbing for Trout, Toffee Rats on a Stick) and humans (Trickle-Treating, All-Comers Morris Dancing, and a rather mysterious custom involving the rolling of boiled eggs down the Tump in Ankh-Morpork). In short, a three-day feast and celebration whose origins are lost in the mists of alcohol.

Soul Cake Tuesday Duck, The. A species of magical fauna in the Easter Bunny/Reynard the Fox league, possibly a.s.sociated with the fact that Soul Cake Tuesday is the opening of the duck-hunting season. The sighting of the first duck on Soul Cake Tuesday is considered very lucky, except, of course, for the duck.

Sound of the Rain on Hard Ground. An old goblin from the mound close to Ramkin Hall. Widower to The Pleasant Contrast of the Orange and Yellow Petals in the Flower of the Gorse. Names such as hers are one of the many reasons why goblins don't wear ident.i.ty badges [SN]

Soup II. Mad King Soup II. Past king of Lancre. He had a mistress, Mme Cupidor. [LL]

Sourcerer. A type of super-wizard; one who can create magic rather than simply utilise it. See MAGIC Specials, The. Technically, the Citizens' Militia. Made up of men who could be a copper at times of dire need but who are generally disqualified from formal Watch membership by reason of shape, profession, age or sometimes brain. [T!]

Spells. A spell can be thought of as a kind of mental pill, containing all the ingredients necessary for achieving its purpose. They are short cuts, the results of tireless experimentation by wizards in the past. A wizard wishing to change the shape of some living thing could, of course, start from first principles and carefully work out how to do it; but he will generally use Stacklady's Morphic Resonator, for example, simply because it is tried and tested.

A spell, once memorised, will remain in the wizard's head until it gets said or he dies, in which case it auto-casts itself, with unpredictable results.

A spell takes up quite a lot of mental s.p.a.ce. For instance, RINCEWIND in possession of one of the Great Spells was unable to memorise any others at all. The fact that he had never been able to do so before this happened is beside the point.

Many deceased wizards are remembered by the spells they have added to Unseen University's grimoire.

Spelter. Fifth-level wizard and former Bursar of Unseen University. A tall and wiry man, he looked as though he'd been a horse in previous lives and only just avoided it in this one. Killed for trying to prevent the LIBRARY'S destruction during the brief reign of COIN. [S]

Spent, Mrs. Landlady of the boarding house in Market Street where Ossie BRUNT stayed during the events of Jingo. [J]

Sphinx, The. An unreal and therefore chronically bad-tempered creature, with the body of a lion, the bosom of a woman and the wings of an eagle. It lurks on the dimensional borders of DJELIBEYBI. [P]

Spigot, William. An old farm worker with skin like leather. He helps out with the harvest at Miss Flitworth's. He is also known for his folk singing and fiddle-playing. [RM]

Spircle. A low-value chameleon gemstone that can take on the hue of real gemstones when put in a bag with them. Spircles are mined from the mountains near BAD a.s.s. [ER]

Spold, Greyhald. A wizard of the Ancient and Truly Original Sages of the Unbroken Circle. In his day, he was the oldest wizard and determined to remain so. He tried, unsuccessfully, to find a place impregnable by DEATH, and built a dense and magically protected box that nothing whatsoever could penetrate. This included, as he became briefly aware, any air molecules (the last words he ever heard were DARK IN HERE, ISN'T IT . . . ?). [LF]

Spolwhittle. Author of the Trans-Congruency Theory. [UA]

Spools. The kind, and enthusiastic, proprietor of Teemer & Spools in Ankh-Morpork. The company is a quality printer who produced the Discworld's first postage stamps. Teemer & Spools had gone up in the world because of the big stamp contract. They'd always done the best printing work in any case, but now they had the men and muscle to bid for all the big contracts. [GP, MM]