Turtle Recall Part 24

Octavo, the. The CREATOR'S own grimoire. Reputedly left behind by the Creator with characteristic absent-mindedness shortly after completing his major work.

The Eight Spells are imprisoned on its pages.

For the whole of recorded time except for a brief spell inside the LUGGAGE it has been kept in a little room off the main LIBRARY, in the cellars of Unseen University. The walls are covered with occult symbols and protective lead pentagrams, and most of the floor is taken up with the Eightfold Seal of Stasis. The only furnishing is a lectern in the shape of a bird or at least in the shape of a winged thing it is probably best not to examine too closely and on the lectern, fastened to it by a heavy chain covered in eight padlocks (one key for each of the Heads of the Eight Orders of Wizardry), is a book, so full of magic that it has its own keen sentience.

It is a large, but not particularly impressive book. The rather tatty leather cover has a representation of BEL-SHAMHAROTH and could be described in a library catalogue as 'slightly foxed' although it would be more honest to admit it looks as though it has been badgered, wolved and possibly beared as well. Metal clasps hold it shut. They aren't decorated, they're just very heavy like the chain, which doesn't so much attach the book to the lectern as tether it. They look like the work of someone who had a pretty definite aim in mind, and who has spent most of his life making training harnesses for elephants.

No one is allowed to stay in the room for more than 4 minutes and 32 seconds (a figure arrived at after 200 years of cautious experimentation).

Octiron. A strange, iridescent metal, almost as highly valued in the lands around the CIRCLE SEA as SAPIENT PEARWOOD and about as rare.

A needle of octiron will always point to the Hub of the Discworld, being acutely sensitive to the Disc's magical field; it will also miraculously darn socks. Octiron radiates a dangerous amount of raw enchantment and is a metal so unstable that it can exist only in a universe saturated with raw magic.

Octogen. A gas that radiates dangerous amounts of raw magic.

Odium. A moving-picture house in Ankh-Morpork. Owned by Bezam PLANTER. Destroyed by fire. [MP]

Offler. Great Offler of the Bird-Haunted Mouth. Six-armed Crocodile G.o.d of Klatch, but also the default G.o.d of any place with a big river and warm climate. He has a flock of holy birds that bring him news of his worshippers and also keep his teeth clean. The teeth in his fanged snout cause him to speak with a marked lisp. [M, S]

Of the Wind Regretfully Blown. Goblin name of Billy SLICK. [SN]

Ogg, Gytha. 'Nanny Ogg' most Ramtop witches of any note have some suitable grandmotherly honorific (Granny, Nanny, Gammer, Old Mother, etc.), regardless of actual marital status, but she is definitely a grandmother.

Age: uncertain, even to her. Probably in her seventies, which means she was still capable of bearing children in her early fifties (this is by no means unusual for a healthy LANCRE woman, especially a witch, and certainly for an Ogg). There is a large population of long-lived dwarfs on the mountainous fringes of the country, and the Oggs are a remarkably ancient family with traditional skills in magic and ironworking; it may be, as CASANUNDA has claimed, that she has some dwarf in her, although this is probably an expression of his hopes rather than any genetic expertise.

After an adventurous girlhood always chaste, as she says, and often caught and a period as a maid at Lancre Castle, Gytha Ogg was accepted by a Biddy Spective as her successor to the cottage in Lancre town, where she brought to the craft of witchery an honest, earthy outlook, a non-judgemental understanding of human nature, and the ability to crack walnuts with her knees.

Nanny Ogg's family arrangements are cosy but haphazard. She has been formally married three times, to Albert Ogg, Winston Ogg and Sobriety Ogg (witches are matrilinear and in any case a man would be expected to accept the family name when marrying into such an ancient lineage as the Oggs). All three have pa.s.sed happily, if somewhat energetically, to their well-earned rest.

She has fifteen living children: Jason, Grame, Tracie, Shirl, Daff, Dreen, Nev, Trev, Kev, Wane, Sharleen, Darron, Karen, Reet and Shawn. Many of them, Shawn, for example, live and work around Lancre; others have sought their fortune in far-flung foreign parts. There are innumerable grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Only two grandchildren have appeared in the chronicles Shane, a bold sailor lad, and Pewsey, the stickiest child in the world. Contrary to the rules of traditional witchcraft, Nanny Ogg now lives in quite a modern cottage in the centre of Lancre ('Tir Nani Ogg' Nanny Ogg's Place), with up-to-date conveniences like a modern wash copper and a tin bath a mere garden's walk away on a nail at the back of the privy. The cottage is between those of Shawn and Jason. She likes to have all her family around her in case of an emergency, such as when she needs a cup of tea (which she takes with three lumps of sugar) or the floor washed.

NANNY'S COTTAGE.

Nanny's cottage tends towards jolly clashing colours and smells of polish. The outside is spanking new with a gleaming thatch and manicured front lawn with gnomes, toadstools, pink bunnies, big-eyed deer around a tiny pond. On the edge of the pond, a tiny gnome is fishing . . . oh, no, er, that isn't a rod he's holding. Let's move swiftly inside, which is a shrine to bad but enthusiastically painted ornaments.

There are no skulls or strange candles apart from a pink novelty one she bought in Ankh-Morpork. There are lots of tables mainly in order to display the vast number of drawings and iconographs of the huge Ogg clan. These pictures are carefully advanced or r.e.t.a.r.ded around the room as various family members temporarily fall in or out of favour. What s.p.a.ce is not taken up by pictures is taken up by ornaments, because no Ogg who travelled more than ten miles from Lancre would dream of returning without a present. Usually, these are cheapjack stuff bought from fairs, but Nanny Ogg doesn't mind, so long as they're colourful and shiny. There are lots of cross-eyed dogs, pink shepherdesses and mugs with badly spelled slogans like: 'To The World's Best Mum' and 'We Luove Our Nanny'. There is a huge china beer stein in a gla.s.s-fronted locked cabinet (a present from Shirl Ogg) and a blue clockwork ballerina which pirouettes to 'Three Blind Mice'. Oh, and a little hourgla.s.s with the legend, 'Tempus Redux'. That might come in useful one day.

Ogg, Jason. Eldest son of Gytha Ogg. Master blacksmith and farrier, and a member of the LANCRE Morris Men, for whom he plays the fiddle.

With his hairy brow, cheese-grater chin and fifteen-stone body, Jason looks as though he was not born but constructed. In a shipyard. He is a man with an essentially slow and gentle nature that should have gone to a couple of bullocks, arms like tree trunks and legs like beer barrels stacked in twos.

The smith in Lancre is a very powerful smith indeed. The Lancre smiths have an ancient bargain if they shoe anything brought to them, their reward is the ability to shoe anything. It is not clear who the pact is with, but it may have something to do with Lancre's proximity to the worlds of the ELVES, against whom iron is a sovereign defence. Or it may be because, every so often, someone comes at the appropriately named dead of night to have his horse reshod. Whatever the reason, Jason can put a shoe on anything with feet.

They brought him an ant once, for a joke. He sat up all night with a magnifying gla.s.s and an anvil made out of the head of a pin.

Jason also knows the mystic secret of the Lancre Horseman's Word, used by smiths to calm the wildest stallion. It broadly consists of a whispered explanation into the animal's ear of what all those hammers and pliers will be used for if the horse doesn't stop kicking and present a docile hoof right now. [WS, WA, LL]

Ogg, Shawn. Private/Corporal/Sergeant/Commander-in-Chief Ogg, S. is Gytha Ogg's youngest son: a short, red-faced youth in his early twenties. He is guard and general odd-job man at LANCRE CASTLE, where he dreams of a glorious military career. He empties the palace privies, delivers its mail, operates the Royal Mint, balances the budget, helps out the Royal gardener in his spare time and butles when Spriggs the butler is not on duty. He is also the Royal Historian (on Wednesday evenings), Lord Chamberlain and Conductor of the Lancre Light Symphony Orchestra. He is also the creator of the LANCRASTIAN ARMY KNIFE. Many days spent guarding Lancre Castle on a repet.i.tive carbohydrate diet have given him an inner self-reliance and an ability to fart in tune.

Oggham. Ancient runic alphabet, still used by dwarfs throughout the RAMTOPS. There is some suggestion that this has something to do with the Ogg family a suggestion which Nanny OGG is careful to foster.

Ohulan Cutash. A quite barbaric and uncivilised sprawl of a hundred or so houses about fifteen miles from LANCRE and considered by Lancrastians to be a big city. It has one suburb. It's too small to have more than one, and this is just an inn and a handful of cottages for people who can't stand the pressure of urban life. There is a cobbled main square and on one side are the temples of the Disc's more demanding deities.

It has a tiny river dock, on the upper ANKH, with broad, flat-bottomed barges bobbing gently against the wharves. [ER]

Old High Ones, the. Only very obliquely referred to in the Discworld religions. Such piecemeal references as have been discovered suggest that there are eight 'ent.i.ties' that oversee the universe, although 'oversee' is far too strong a word. There is no single word that really does explain their role, which seems to be to observe in a dynamic way, in order for the observed events to be able to happen. It might be simpler to say that the universe exists because they believe in it. They are not G.o.ds from their point of view, G.o.ds are only a slightly more troublesome version of human beings. They are far above the AUDITORS OF REALITY, who are their executive arm. The names of seven of them, if they have names, have not been revealed. The eighth is AZRAEL.

Old Man Trouble. One of a large number of 'anthropomorphic personifications' brought into existence by the low reality quotient of the Discworld universe, which means in essence that anything believed in strongly enough will eventually come into existence.

Old Man Trouble wears a long mac and a large, raggedy, broad-brimmed hat. All that can be seen between the two are his dreadful glowing eyes. He is a personification variously of Murphy's Law, the general intractability of the universe, and the darkness in the cellar. He is easily summoned by failing to have 1) rhythm or 2) music or even 3) your girl. In which case, if you hear a soft knocking at your door don't open it.

Olerve the b.a.s.t.a.r.d. King of STO LAT and father of KELI. A tall, heavily built man with a golden beard and the kind of stolid, patient face you'd confidently buy a used horse from. No sense of humour, but kings don't need them, since people will laugh at their jokes anyway. [M]

Om. The Great G.o.d Om. When he is first encountered, he is a small tortoise with one beady eye and a badly chipped sh.e.l.l. When at full strength, he is an enormous, shimmering, golden figure (the appearance of a G.o.d when manifest is directly proportional to the amount of belief they command). Om is omnipotent, omnipresent, and many other omnis, but only within the boundaries of the Omnian church. Strangely enough, since the events of Small G.o.ds, and his covenant with BRUTHA, Om worship has increased enormously largely because he doesn't do anything, but might. Since the rest of the Discworld G.o.ds tend to thunder, rant and bicker in public, a people find a quiet G.o.d curiously rea.s.suring [SG]

Om, Book of. Princ.i.p.al book of the Omnian religion. In its original Second Omnian IV text, it is known to contain, amongst other things, the following books: Testament of Mezerek Letter to the Omish, Brutha's First Letter to the Omish, Brutha's Second Letter to the Simonites, Brutha's Cena, Book of Riddles, II Gospel According to the Miscreants Prophecies of Tobrun Omnia. A dry country on the Klatchian coast between the deserts of KLATCH and the plains and jungles of HOWONDALAND. There are two million people in the Omnian empire. Its princ.i.p.al city is Kom.

The Citadel in Kom extends for miles temples, churches, schools, dormitories, gardens and towers. It also has a lot of underground cellars and sewers, forgotten rooms, dead ends, s.p.a.ces behind walls and natural caves. There are very few steps in the Citadel the progress of the many processions demands long, gentle slopes. What stairs there are are shallow enough to allow for the faltering steps of very old men.

One of the main thoroughfares leads to the Place of Lamentations a square 200 yards across. On one side of the square is the Great Temple, its roof adorned with the golden horns of OM. The doors in the central temple are 100 feet tall, weigh 40 tons each and are said to be made of bronze, reinforced with Klatchian steel. They open only outwards. On them, in letters of gold set in lead, are the Commandments (512 of them by the time the doors were melted, during the events of Small G.o.ds).

Until those events Omnia and the Church of Om were more or less synonymous; there was no civil authority. The entire country was ruled by the priesthood. Since the Reformation, however (which happened more or less instantaneously) there is a government that perforce is made up of laymen, since the priests are now too busy arguing amongst themselves.

Since the accession of the prophet BRUTHA, whose genius lay in taking one of the most objectionable and b.l.o.o.d.y-thirsty religions in the world and turning it into a huge debating shop, Omnia has become internationally known for its output of door-to-door evangelists and religious tracts. These are annoying, but so much better than the merciless armies they have replaced. You couldn't put them off by shouting 'Not interested!' through the letterbox (See QUISITION.) [SG]

One-Man-Bucket. Spirit guide of Mrs CAKE. A member (once) of a HOWONDALAND tribe who was killed when he was run over by a cart in Treacle Street, Ankh-Morpork, while drunk. He is a ghost, with a reedy and petulant voice. Called One-Man-Bucket because of his tribe's tradition of naming a child after the first thing its mother saw after giving birth. The first thing his mother saw was a man pouring a bucket of water over two dogs causing a, um, a disturbance outside the tent. One-Man-Bucket's marginally older brother, who slid into the world a few seconds earlier, was not so fortunate in his name. [RM]

One Sun Mirror. A past emperor of the AGATEAN EMPIRE. He has two claims to fame: 1) He had the stone garden of Universal Peace and Simplicity laid out, and 2) His habit of cutting off his enemies' lips and legs and then promising them their freedom if they can run through the city playing a trumpet. [M]

Opera House, Ankh-Morpork. This is located in Pseudopolis Yard, one of the city's largest open s.p.a.ces. The Opera is almost as big as the Patrician's Palace, but is far more, well, palatial, and covers three acres. It is basically a cube, covered in a riot of friezes, pillars, corybants and curly bits glued on the architecture afterwards. Gargoyles have colonised the higher reaches. The effect, seen from the front, is of a huge wall of tortured stone. Round the back, of course, the usual drab mess of windows, pipes and damp stone walls, and the roof is a forest of skylights and airshafts. Public entry to the Opera is via the Big Foyer, with its marble banistered grand staircase.

The building includes stabling for twenty horses and two elephants in the cellar. Rooms behind the stage are so large that entire sets are stored there. The building is almost a town in its own right, and includes a whole ballet school with a mirrored practice room, canteens for the staff and artistes, and a warren of little rooms for the chorus approached by multiple flights of back stairs. Young female members are encouraged to reside in the Opera House, to avoid the dangers inherent in returning to possibly distant lodgings late at night, although this does make them easy prey for any crazed masked musical geniuses with good tenor voices that happen to be lurking around. Ahahahah!!!!! Ahem . . .

The auditorium is huge and cherub-infested an explosion of plush velvet and rococo carving. Within all this the stage itself is comparatively small almost an afterthought. [M!!!!!]

Operas. The Discworld has an excellent history of the arts and this history features opera quite prominently. Better-known works include: Barber of Pseudopolis, The Bloodaxe and Ironhammer (a dwarf opera) Cosi Fan Hita Enchanted Piccolo, The Flabberast, Die Flederleiv, Die Lohenschaak Meistersinger von s.c.r.o.t.e, Die Ring of the Nibelungingung, The Triviata, La Truccatore, Il There has also been a trend towards new, profit-making operas, including: Guys and Trolls Hubwards Side Story Miserable Les Seven Dwarfs for Seven Other Dwarfs [M!!!!!]

Student Horse, The [CJ]

Orang-Utan/Human Dictionary, The. A major project being undertaken by the LIBRARIAN of Unseen University, who is himself of the orang persuasion. Since he was also, once, a human being, he feels himself in a position to advance the understanding between the two species. This may be a problem since one of the species consists of mankind, but he is persevering.

A flavour of the work, which already runs to more than 500 closely written pages, may further ill.u.s.trate the difficulties: Ook: Oh, I do beg your pardon, I didn't realise there was a dominant male in this group.

Ook: I'll just go and sit over here very quietly, shall I?

Ook: You're out of your tree. This is my tree.

Ook: Yes.

Ook: No.

Ook: Banana.

Ook: It may be vital oxygenating bioma.s.s to you, but it's home to me.

Ook: Did you see a rain forest around here a moment ago?

Orinjcrates. Ephebian philosopher and author of On the Nature of Plants. [SG]

Orohai Peninsula. (On the Rim coast of KLATCH.) Home to the sponge-eating pygmies, who live in little coral houses. For further information, see General Sir Roderick Purdeigh's book: My Life Among the Sponge-Eating Coral-House-Dwelling Pygmies, in which he discusses at length the twin problems of daily indigestion and concussion. [COM]

Osric. Victor Tugelbend's uncle. Victor thought that the Holy Wood statue of a golden knight resembled him. [MP]

Ossory. One of the Great Prophets of the Omnian church. The 193-chapter Book of Ossory was dictated to him by the Great G.o.d OM, it is said. It was certainly said by Ossory, and no one was going to argue with anyone who came out of the desert just after the mushroom season with his eyeb.a.l.l.s spinning in different directions.

The Book contains the Directions, the Gateways, the Abjurations and the Precepts. Ossory's staff is a religious artefact. [SG]

Oswald. An ondergeist who lives with Miss Level. He is a sort of anti-poltergeist, and he is obsessive about tidiness and keeps putting things away. He is shy and usually hides if anyone new comes to the cottage. [HFOS]

Ottomy, Frankly, Mr. A Bledlow (sort of policeman) at Unseen University. Ottomy has a red Adam's apple and is a hefty man seemingly carved out of bacon. He is good at shouting in public, but strangely less happy at public speaking. It is in the way of Ottomies all around the worlds to look as if they have been built out of the worst parts of two men and to be annoyingly hushen footed on thick red rubber soles, all the better to peep and pry. And they always a.s.sume that a free cup of tea is theirs by right. [UA]

Palm, Rosemary. ('Rosie', although not to her face these days.) Mrs Palm is a stout and refined lady with a no-nonsense chin, who lives with a lot of younger ladies in a house in the SHADES, and whose occupation is broadly understood. It has been said that she keeps a house of ill-repute but, on the contrary, a lot of people have spoken very highly of it.

A lonely man may while away many an hour playing dominoes and Chase My Neighbour Up the Pa.s.sage with Mrs Palm and her girls with no fear that he will end up naked in an alley with all his money gone (unless of course his tastes run that way).

Mrs Palm is president of the SEAMSTRESSES' Guild.

Panter, Lemuel. A wizard, one of RINCEWIND'S old tutors and a Member of the Order of Midnight. [LF]

Pantries. One universal manifestation of raw, natural magic throughout the universe is this: that any domestic food store, raided furtively in the middle of the night, always contains, no matter what its daytime inventory, half a jar of elderly mayonnaise, a piece of very old cheese, and a tomato with white mould growing on it. [M]

Paps of Scilla. An eight-peaked mountain range, visible on the route from ZEMPHIS to Ankh-Morpork. Many have speculated about the lady concerned. [ER]

Parker, Robert, Mr. Chairman of the Merchants' Guild. As (also) a member of the Ancient and Venerable Order of Greengrocers', Mr Parker is honour bound never to put his punctuation in the right place. Example: 'As chairman of the, Merchant's' Guild gentlemen may, I point out that these thing's represent a valuable labour force in this city-' [MM]

Parrot. ERIC'S pet. It spoke, but utilised a somewhat limited vocabulary based around one metasyntactic variable. It had one evil but intelligent red eye; most of the rest of it was pink and purple skin, studded with f.a.g-ends of feathers, so that the net effect was of an oven-ready hairbrush. It was given to PONCE DA QUIRM. [E]

Pasha of Re'Durat. A past owner of the magical sword Kring. Re'Durat has never been identified, but is presumed to be in Hersheba. [COM]

Patrician, Office of. The Patrician is the ruler of Ankh-Morpork. There have been no monarchs in Ankh-Morpork for 300 years, since the death of the last and possibly nastiest (see LORENZO THE KIND). The only real qualification to rule Ankh-Morpork is the ability to stay alive for more than five minutes, because the great merchant families of Ankh have been ruling the city as kings or Patricians for the last twenty centuries and are as about to relinquish power as the average limpet is to let go of its rock. Past Patricians have included: Hargarth, Frenzied Earl [GG]

Harmoni, Deranged Lord [MAA]

Nersch the Lunatic [GG]

Olaf QUIMBY II SCAPULA, Laughing Lord Smince, Lord [GG]

Snapcase, Mad/Psychoneurotic Lord [GG, MAA]

WINDER, Homicidal Lord The holder of the office throughout the Discworld chronicles (apart from some of the events in Night Watch) is Lord Havelock Vetinari. (See also MONARCHY.) Patrician, the. (See VETINARI, Lord Havelock) Patrician's Palace. The old Royal Winter Palace of the Kings of Ankh. The most famous room in the Palace is the Oblong Office, which is the personal sanctum of the current PATRICIAN. Although much of the Palace is given over to the Patrician's clerks, collating and updating the information gathered by his exquisitely organised spy system, it still contains the public rooms left over from the city's royal heritage in particular the Throne Room, which houses the magnificent Golden Throne of the Kings of Ankh. This throne is not used by the current Patrician; he prefers to sit on a plain wooden chair at the foot of the steps leading to the throne. Also of note are the Palace dungeons, which include all the usual equipment, together with the scorpion pit.

It is, however, the Palace Grounds that are the crowning glory. These include a bird garden, a little zoo, a racehorse stable and gardens laid out by b.l.o.o.d.y Stupid JOHNSON. Of particular note are the ornamental trout lake, the fountain, lawn, maze, ornamental chiming sundial and the hoho. (A haha is a cunningly concealed dip in the land enabling one to enjoy the view without being nibbled by inconvenient cows it is, in fact, a sort of negative fence. A hoho is merely a much deeper version.) The trout lake has room for one long thin trout, the fountain only operated once when it blew a small stone cherub right outside the city, and the maze, far from being big enough to get lost in, is so small that people get lost looking for it. All in all, the gardens represent b.l.o.o.d.y Stupid's erratic genius in full flower.

Patricio. Twenty-three-stone Despot of Quirm. He was the largest victim/client of the a.s.sa.s.sINS' GUILD; they had to break for lunch. [P]

Peaches. A sleek, female rat in the Clan, and the devoted scribe and personal a.s.sistant of the philosopher DANGEROUS BEANS. She has a small, squeaky but clear voice and she tends to clear her throat before speaking. In the rat troop she is also the official carrier of the copy of their holy book, Mr Bunnsy Has an Adventure. [TAMAHER]

Peavie. Treasurer of the ALCHEMISTS' GUILD. A nervous man whose contribution to the development of moving pictures was the invention of banged grains. This may have done nothing for his nerves. [MP]

Peedbury, Iago. A farmer neighbour of Miss Flitworth. The first man to use a Combination Harvester. [RM]

Pelc, Ladislav, D.M.Phil. Prehumous Professor of Morbid Bibliomancy at Unseen University. Professor Pelc works in a room full of books, and made of books even his desk and chairs are shaped out of books. He keeps his beard on a hook on his door. When in use, that beard slots nicely over his very large ears. He works with Professor Goitre, who is the Posthumous Professor of Morbid Bibiomancy (he took early death as a part of a very good package, but he can come back at a week's notice). [GP]

Pencillium, Osric. Discoverer of the pencil bush in the graphite-rich sands of Sumtri. So it is widely believed, in any case, and as so often happens what everyone 'knows' is wrong. The idea is ridiculous. What he discovered was probably the bush Plumbago Scribens Officia.n.a.lis, which has a very thick lead and a mere veneer of wood-like casing and was used by the Sumtrians only for crude sketching purposes. It wasn't until ten years of careful cross-breeding that Osric produced the reliable HB varieties found today. [H]

Pepe. He is, in his own estimation, a fashionista, working with Madam SHARM. Pepe is a dwarf, but he is a willowy dwarf willowy like someone made from sinews. He was originally from Lobbin Clout in Ankh-Morpork (Old Cheese Alley) but he now moves in more stylish circles. He is not just someone who makes clothes he creates gorgeous works of art that just happen to require a body to show them off. Keen on the occasional gla.s.s of strong liquor. [UA]

Perdore, Brother. A member of the Nine Day Wonderers, a religious order in the RAMTOPS. He is an amiable old man, which is just as well given that his flexible parish contains so many witches. [LL]

Peripatetic Teachers. Self-employed teachers who, usually in ragged bands, travel from village to village in remote districts offering small amounts of education in exchange for food, a night's shelter or clean used clothing. A child might be excused from general homestead ch.o.r.es and given some spare vegetables and maybe an egg or two to 'get some learning'. Teachers are encouraged to move on before nightfall lest they steal chickens. Don't buy clothes pegs from them.

Perks, Polly. 'Ozzer'. A volunteer to the Borogravian Army. She used to have long hair, long golden curls, worn in a net when she was working in her father's inn. Now that her mother's dead, she runs the inn, in fact. The inn has a picture of the d.u.c.h.ess ANNAGGOVIA as its sign. Polly is not conventionally beautiful and that, plus her small bosom, is useful when she decides to enlist in the army as Oliver Perks. She performs well, becoming batman to Lieutenant BLOUSE at one stage, and gains promotion by the end of her adventures, to sergeant. [MR]

Pessimal, A.E., Mr. A government inspector. Mr Pessimal is neat. Beyond neat. He is a folding person. His suit is cheap but very clean, his little boots sparkle. His hair gleams, too, even more than the boots. It has a centre parting and has been plastered down so severely that it looks as though it's been painted on his head. He twinkles as he walks every move is neat. He's the sort of person you'd bet would have a shovel purse and spectacles on a ribbon. He joins the City Watch as an acting constable. Later he becomes Vimes' adjutant and achieves the rank of lance-constable. [T!]

Pestilence. Anthropomorphic personification. A member of the Four Hors.e.m.e.n of the APOCRALYPSE. He has a breathy, wet voice, which is practically contagious in itself. He likes hospitals because there is always something for him to do there. Humans created Pestilence, just as they created FAMINE. They have a genius for crowding together, for poking around in jungles, and for siting the midden so handily next to the well. [LF, TOT]

Petty, Amber. Daughter of Seth Petty, who did not treat her kindly, and suffered for it. Amber was helped by Tiffany and, more importantly, by the Nac Mac Feegles. She now has a young man, William, who is a very skilled tailor. [ISWM]

Philosophy. EPHEBE is the home of philosophy, but other lands have also produced famous philosophers, most notably, of course, LY TIN WHEEDLE. There are almost as many systems of philosophy as there are philosophers. They include: Sumtin, Zen, Stoicism, Cynicism, Epicureanism, Stochaticism, Anamaxandritism, Epistemologism, Peripateticism, Synopticism and Ismism.

Astro-philosophers of KRULL once succeeded in proving conclusively that all places are one place and that the distance between them is an illusion. This news was an embarra.s.sment to all thinking philosophers because it did not explain, among other things, signposts. After years of wrangling, the whole thing was then turned over to Ly Tin Wheedle who, after some thought, proclaimed that although it was indeed true that all places were one place, that place was very large.

Xenoists say that the world is basically complex and random. Ibidians say the world is basically simple and follows certain fundamental rules. DIDACTYLOS says basically it's a funny old world and it doesn't contain enough to drink.

Phoenix. Also called the firebird. This bird nearly always hatches in the burning deserts of Klatch. It has found a way of making incubation work very, very fast: it lays a silvery grey egg with a very light sh.e.l.l and then burns itself up to hatch the new bird. In theory, you only ever get one phoenix at a time. Its cry is described as 'like unto the cry of a buzzard yet of lower pitch'. The phoenix is able, more or less, to disguise itself as other birds. Phoenixes share their minds and their memories. They don't tolerate evil and it is said that firebird feathers burn in the presence of evil. [CJ]

Pills, Dried Frog. The wizards of Unseen University are right at the forefront of modern medical thinking when it comes to the therapeutic use of frog products, and make up these pills for the current Bursar, who is mentally as stable as a tapdancer in a ballbearing factory.

Pin Exchange, the. The 'Home of Acuphilia!' in Dolly Sisters, in an alley between a house of negotiable affection and a ma.s.sage parlour. It is run by Big Dave a huge bearded man with dreadlocks, a pin through his nose, a beer belly belonging to three other people and the words 'Death or Pins' tattooed on a bicep. [GP]

Pin, Mr. Also known, for a very short while, as Brother Upon-Which-The-Angels-Dance Pin. He, with Mr TULIP, comprised the New Firm, which arrived in Ankh-Morpork ready to make the town their own.

They didn't see themselves as thugs. Nor were they thieves . . . at least, they never thought of themselves as thieves. They didn't think of themselves as a.s.sa.s.sins (a.s.sa.s.sins are posh and have rules). They thought of themselves as facilitators. Men who made things happen; men who were going places. He and Mr Tulip were the sort of people who would call you 'friend'. People like that aren't friendly.

Mr Pin was the brains of the outfit only in comparison to Mr Tulip. His one vice was smoking (at least, it was the one vice that he thought of as a vice). He was small, slim and, like his namesake, slightly larger in the head than ought to be the case. He drank little, watched what he ate and considered his body, malformed as it was, as a temple, albeit one of those strange ones without windows. He carried a wallet with a legend burned on it in pokerwork: 'Not A Very Nice Person At All'. He wasn't so much killed as spiked. [TT]

Pine Dressers. A village high in the RAMTOPS and 500 miles from the sea which nevertheless has managed to develop a thriving fish-gutting, smoking, and canning industry based on the very frequent rains of fish that occur in the area. The townsfolk see no reason to object to strange phenomena if they can make a decent kipper out of them.