Turtle Recall Part 2

WEATHERWAX, Galder (304th) Archchancellor's Hat. The old hat, now replaced (see RIDCULLY, Mustrum), was worn by the head of all wizards, on the head of all wizards. (This is to say, metaphorically it was worn by all wizards it is similar to the idea that 'every soldier has a field marshal's baton in his knapsack'.10 It was what every wizard aspired to, the symbol of organised magic, the pointy tip of the profession. Through the old hat spoke all the Archchancellors who had ever lived. So it was always believed.

In fact, it was rather battered, with its gold thread tattered and unravelling. It was pointy, of course, with a wide, floppy brim. It was covered with gold lace, pearls, bands of purest VERMINE, sparkling ANKH-STONES, some incredibly tasteless sequins and a real giveaway a circle of OCTARINES round its crown, blazing in all eight colours of the spectrum. It was kept on a velvet cushion in a tall, round and battered leather box. When it spoke, which it did when fighting the Sourcerer, it had a clothy voice, with a choral effect, like a lot of voices talking at the same time, in almost perfect unison. [S]

Archmandrite of B'Ituni. A previous owner of the black sword KRING. B'Ituni is little more than a fortified oasis near the Klatch-Hershebian border. [ COM ]

Ardent. A deep downer dwarf, who acts as chief liaison with the 'world above' (those who live on the surface of the Disc). He is seen wearing a rigid, pointed black hood and he is otherwise completely shrouded in overlapping black leather scales, with just a narrow slit for his eyes. Has the same, level, way of speaking as Lord Vetinari. [T!]

Argavisti. General of the Ephebian army, involved in the brief war against Omnia. [SG]

Ariadne. Friend of Sybil Vimes (nee Ramkin). She is keen to find suitable husbands for her girls. She had s.e.xtuplets: Mavis, Emily, Hermione, erm . . . Amanda (?), er, and the other one, and Jane, who has aspirations to become a writer. [SN]

Arif, Greasy. A fisherman from Klatch. Together with his son, Akhan, he was one of the first people to re-discover the lost Kingdom of Leshp during the events of Jingo.

Aristocrates. Secretary to the Tyrant of Ephebe. He is the author of Plat.i.tudes. [SG]

Art, Works of. A number of major works of art have recently been named in the series. These include: Battle of Koom Valley, The (Methodia Rascal) [T!]

Beauty Arising from the Pease Pudding Cart Attended by Cherubs Carrying Hot Dogs and Pies [UA]

Don't Talk to Me About Mondays! (Daniella Pouter) [T!]

Freedom (Daniella Pouter) [T!]

G.o.ddess Anoia Arising from the Cutlery, The (some bloke with three 'I's in his name, apparently) [T!]

Man with Dog (Lord Vetinari & Wuffles) (William Pouter) [MM]

Three Large Pink Women and One Piece of Gauze (Caravati) [T!]

For completeness, I will include a poem: Oi! To His Deaf Mistress (Robert Scandal) [UA]

Artela. Wife of TEPPICYMON XXVII and mother of TEPPIC. She used to be a concubine. A vague woman who was fond of cats, she died in a swimming accident (insofar as a crocodile was involved). [P]

Arthur, Barking Mad. Member of the DOG GUILD. One-eyed, bad-tempered Rottweiler, killed by Big FIDO. [MAA]

Arthur, Wee Mad. He is a gnome, four inches high, and the supplier of rats to dwarf eateries throughout Ankh-Morpork. This enables him to work as a rat-catcher for nothing, selling his rats at half the Guild rate. He is basically humanoid and dresses in ratskin trousers. At least while working, he is bare to the waist save for two bandoliers criss-crossing his chest. He smokes tiny cigars, carries a very small crossbow, and is generally in a foul mood. His advertising sign declares: 'WEE MAD ARTHUR.

'For those little things that get you down'

Rats *FREE*

Mise: 1p per ten tails Moles: p each Warsps: 50p per nest, Hornets 20p extra c.o.c.kroaches and similar by aranjement Small fees. BIG JOBS Wee Mad Arthur, who can live more luxuriously on a dollar a day than most humans can live on fifty dollars, is also a very obvious example of LAW OF UNEQUAL RETURNS. It is also clear from events in Carpe Jugulum that, despite being referred to as a gnome by the careless citizens of Ankh-Morpork, he is an urbanised and solitary member of the NAC MAC FEEGLE.

Artorollo. Past King of Ankh-Morpork. Little fat man, squeaky voice. This seems to be all that anyone can remember about him. [M]

Ashal, General. Chief Adviser to Prince CADRAM and Leader of his army. [J]

AshkEnte, Rite of. Spell performed to summon and bind DEATH. It is generally done with reluctance, because senior wizards are usually very old and would prefer not to do anything to draw Death's attention to themselves. On the other hand, it is also very effective, since Death knows almost everything that is going on because he is usually closely involved.

The Rite has evolved over the years. It used to be thought that eight wizards were required, each at his station on the point of a great ceremonial octogram, swaying and chanting, arms held out sideways so their fingertips just touched; there was also a requirement for dribbly candles, thuribles, green smoke and all the other tedious paraphernalia of traditional High magic. In fact, it can be performed by a couple of people with three small bits of wood and 4cc of mouse blood; it can even be performed with two bits of wood and a fresh egg.

There are in fact ten ways of performing the Rite; nine of them kill you instantly and the other one is very hard to remember.

Asphalt. Very short, broad, troll with s...o...b..siness experience, mostly to do with mucking out circus elephants and being repeatedly sat on by them. Employed as a roadie by the BAND WITH ROCKS IN. Although shorter than a dwarf, Asphalt makes up for it in breadth. [SM]

a.s.sa.s.sins' Guild. Motto: NIL MORTIFII, SINE LVCRE. Coat of arms: a shield, bisected by a bend sinister, purpure. In the upper-right half a poignard d'or, draped with a masque en sable, lined gris on a field, gules. In the bottom-left half two croix d'or on a sable field.

The light and airy Guild building, which looks more like the premises of a gentlemen's club, is located in Filigree Street, Ankh-Morpork. The gates on the sole entrance to the Guild are said never to shut because DEATH is open for business all the time, but it is really because the hinges rusted centuries ago (although by the time of Men At Arms clearly someone had done something about this).

The a.s.sa.s.sINS' GUILD offers the best all-round education in the world. A qualified a.s.sa.s.sin should be at home in any company, and be able to play at least one musical instrument. Anyone inhumed by a graduate of the Guild school can go to his rest satisfied that he has been annulled by someone of taste and discretion, and probably also a social equal. The entrance exam is not strenuous: the school is easy to get into and easy to get out of (the trick is to get out upright).

A BRIEF STROLL AROUND THE MAIN QUAD.

Join us on a brief tour of the Guild, starting with the main gates in Filigree Street. Do not neglect the Porter's Lodge, wherein may be found Stippler the porter. His father was porter here, as was his father. He has seen it all, and the few bits he hasn't seen he can guess at.

Your path will then lead out into the quadrangle, dominated by its statue of Ellis William Netley, the student who, when playing the Wall Game, first picked up the ball and hurled it with such force that he knocked an opposing player off a second-storey window ledge. He was beaten senseless for this, but his action changed the Game from the rather insipid ball game that it was to the thrilling and b.l.o.o.d.y spectacle it is today.

To one side of the quad, you can still see the new masonry of the repair to the museum wall after the unfortunate events concerning the removal from office of the previous Master, Dr Cruces.

Looking up, you can see the bell tower, topped by the Guild's famous cloaked man weathervane (known as 'Wiggy Charlie'), which has oft been decked with porcelain chamberpots and female undergarments by waggish students on Wag Days.

Returning to the cloister, we turn and walk along, past the oil paintings and busts of famous inhumees. The first bust, of a former Crown Prince of Brindisi, is now almost unrecognisable as generations of student a.s.sa.s.sins have patted his regal nose for luck. His plaque records that he 'Departed this vale of tears on Grune 3, Year of the Sideways Leech, with the a.s.sistance of the Hon. K W Dobson (Viper House)'.

We now turn into the Combination Corridor, leading past the Museum. The Museum is very instructive; time spent in sober reflection there is never wasted. One which usually exercises the minds of boys for many a long night is the one-armed teddy bear (Mr Wuggle) used by Croydon Minimus to inhume the Baron von Wendeltreppe-Steckenpferd in 1687. Since that fateful day, the Wendeltreppe-Steckenpferds have never allowed any soft toys within 20 miles of their castle in uberwald.

Beyond the museum, we reach Big School, which used to be the Guild's only cla.s.sroom. It now serves princ.i.p.ally as the Banqueting Hall and is also used for indoor sports, a.s.semblies and examinations. Big School is the oldest unaltered room in College and its beams, despite their inaccessibility, have been carved with the names of most of the Guild's most famous Old Boys.

Just before the multi-denominational Chapel, there is a small door which leads up to the bell tower, which houses the Inhumation Bell. This tolls the hours but, as befits the City's most elegant academy, it is always fashionably late.

It also is tolled whenever news comes through of an a.s.sa.s.sin successfully completing an a.s.signment and also upon the death of an old pupil of the college. Of course, this may quite often be one and the same event.

Proceeding further around we come to Liming Corridor which leads past Mr Wilkinson's Study to the Library. This is believed to be the largest Ankh-Morpork library outside Unseen University and, in the areas of a.s.sa.s.sination and other life-threatening professions, we like to think that it exceeds even UU's holdings of relevant tomes.

The Guild extends to five floors, excluding bas.e.m.e.nts, dormer levels and lofts. Much of the building is out of bounds to the Guild's students but, as Lord Downey would say, 'No one became a great a.s.sa.s.sin by always obeying the rules. Of course, no one ever became a great a.s.sa.s.sin by disobeying the rules and getting caught, either.'

At some time in their career, every pupil will see the inside of the Master of a.s.sa.s.sins' study. Some will go for a cup of tea, a chat and the automatic avoidance of an almond slice, some will be going for a punishment, some will have been sent up for good, some will be going to receive bad news. The room is a cla.s.sic example of a Guild study.

It is an impressive, oak-panelled and well-carpeted room, since it also serves as the meeting room for the Guild Council. Indeed, you will see their long, mahogany table down one side of the room. The room also contains the Master's own library and workbench and who knows what mysterious substances may be stored in the dozens of intriguing drawers in his apothecary cabinet?

The room is dominated by the four huge black granite pillars that support the ornate ceiling. Four-square between those pillars, carved as they are with the names of famous a.s.sa.s.sins, is the Master's desk, with its wrought-iron rack for birches and canes. These are a relic of the old days. In the modern college, we do not believe in anything so namby-pamby as corporal punishment.

SCHOOL PRIZES AND AWARDS.

Sending up for Good Despite its name, this is a good thing: it means a student has produced a piece of schoolwork practical or written which is adjudged by their tutor to be so outstanding as to merit their being sent up to the Master of a.s.sa.s.sins' study for sherry and an almond slice. Their name is also then featured in the School Magazine.

The Teatime Prize This will be given after the Hogswatch and de Murfoote Vacations for the two best Papers on the subject 'Who I Killed on My Holidays'. Pupils are not, of course, expected to actually inhume anybody, but a team of senior a.s.sa.s.sins will a.s.sess the pupils' maps, routes, ama.s.sed information, professed target and projected methods of 'solution' before awarding the prize for the best virtual inhumation. The prize is named after the late Noel Teatime, a young a.s.sa.s.sin whose plans for the inhumation of Death, the Hogfather, the Soul Cake Duck, Old Man Trouble and several major G.o.ds were the talk of the Guild. His body has never been found.

The Blankman Divinity Prize This is open to all Boys in the Second and Third Years for the most realistic representation of the G.o.d of their choice achieved using only stale bread and sesame seeds.

Distinction in Trials Given to the top three Boys in every year at end of term Trials (exams).

The Body Trophy Named after our popular old Under Master, Mr Wilberforce Body, this is awarded to the winning Team at the Wall Game.

The Wilkinson Cup Awarded annually to the Boy who scores most consistently high marks at Fencing.

The Pendu Illuminated Ma.n.u.script Awarded for the boy who wins the Climbing Compet.i.tion at the Sports Day. The award is simply placed atop some high building in the city, and the pupil who returns to the Guild with it is adjudged the winner. The opportunities for waylaying, trapping, ambushing and cheating make this a remarkable exercise in a.s.sa.s.sin skills.

The Vemeficus Chalice Traditionally awarded at Gaudy Night to the Pupil adjudged by the Head of Necrotic Medicine and Applied Pathology to have shown most promise in practical exercises in that specialism.

The Insidiae Plate Presented on Founder's day by the Provost of a.s.sa.s.sins. The winner is the constructor of the most elaborate trap mechanism in the Show and Tell section at Open Day, although actual killing will result in disqualification.

The Ars Plumaria Cup This is won by the pupil scoring highest marks for Personal Grooming. A much-contested award.

SCHOOL HOUSES (and their House Tutors) Viper House (Mr Nivor) Scorpion House (Lady T'malia) Tump House (Miss Band) Broken Moons House (Mr Moody) Raguineau's (Baron Strifenkanen) Pernypopax Dampier (Prof. Stone) Cobra House (Mr Mericet) Wigblock Prior (Kompt de Yoyo) B2 House [day pupils] (Dr von Ubersetzer) C1 House [day pupils] (Dr Perdore) Mykkim House (Mr Linbury-Court) Mrs Beddowe's House (M le Balourd) Tree Frog House [day pupils] (Mr Bradlofrudd) BlackWidow House [girls] (Mme les Deux-Epees) Welcome Soap House (Mr Greyfriars) Raven House (Miss Smith-Rhodes) A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE GUILD.

Cla.s.sically, a.s.sa.s.sination as a profession began in the more mountainous regions of Klatch, where aspirants would partake of a drug known as hasheesh which, in sufficient quant.i.ties, would cause them to wear flared trousers and listen to really monotonous music with every sign of enjoyment.

Those early 'a.s.sa.s.sins' then disappeared into history and emerged somewhat later in the form we now recognise them. Possibly their source of supply dried up.

The Guild as it exists today owes a great debt to its founders, Sir Gyles and Lady de Murforte. Sir Gyles was a warrior knight in the days of King Cirone I (Cirone the Unsteady). He quested extensively in Klatch for the greater glory of gold and, during one of his longer crusades against any Klatchians who had money, he learned of the brotherhood of a.s.sa.s.sins. At this time they were practising their craft for general hire and were already playing an important role in the internal politics of the Komplezianne Empire, rulers of Klatch at that time11. He was so impressed by the skill, poise, intelligence and wit of those Klatchian a.s.sa.s.sins whom he met (socially) that, far-sighted man that he was, he vowed to form a school for a.s.sa.s.sins in his native Ankh-Morpork. It was recorded by his clerk that his actual words were 'Onne daye we will neede to beat thys barstads atte theyre owne game.'

On his return to the city, he talked of his plans with his sister Lady de Murforte. She wholeheartedly supported him and her husband altered his will to leave most of his lands on the Sto Plains and many valuable sites in Ankh-Morpork for its construction.

Work on the new school began in 1511. Tutors were brought in from Klatch to train the city's brighter academics and psychopaths in the various skills needed to be a great a.s.sa.s.sin, so that the faculty should be ready when the building works had been completed. The old building on the site of the current Guild building had been a warehouse for scrolls and books and it was demolished so that a new, light, airy edifice could be erected to reflect the glory of the new school.

The new school, known then as the de Murfoote School for Gentlemen a.s.sa.s.sins, was officially opened by King Cirone II on 27 August 1512. Its first Head Master was Doctor Guillaume de Chacal. Dr de Chacal was not himself known to be an a.s.sa.s.sin, but had been recruited direct from the prestigious Academie Quirmienne, where his reputation as a strict disciplinarian and moral leader was second to none, if one ignores a few wild accusations by people who were never able to produce any hard evidence.

The school then had eight tutors and seventy-two students, known as King's Scholars. (The King had bestowed the Royal Charter on the school, together with a modest sum to fund the purchase of text books, weaponry and anatomical charts. The first influx of students also, as it happened, included Cirone, Prince of Llamedos, his eldest son.) All the students were then housed within the Guild building, in dormitories, or houses in the area which were then named simply after their key code on the architect's plans for the school.

Within a few years, the combination of the royal patronage and the excellent standard of exam results being achieved by the now Royal de Murfoote School for Gentlemen a.s.sa.s.sins, had led to pressure from the city's wealthier inhabitants for its doors to be opened to students who, whilst they would benefit from the high standard of education available at the School, might not actually intend to kill people for a living. The King agreed to this extension to the School's charter and places were allocated to twenty-four children of citizens. These students were known as 'Oppidans', from the Latatian for 'town'.

The School went from strength to strength. Over the years, its numbers of students and staff rose, and boys were boarded in houses off-site, run by a number of women known as 'dames' because of a then-current tradition of wearing huge white drawers with red spots on and owning a dancing cow.

In 1576, it was invited by the city's elders to elevate its status to that of a Guild, giving it voting rights in the city's Guild Council. It then changed its name to the Royal Guild of a.s.sa.s.sins but, following the events of 1688, it wisely dropped the use of the 'Royal' from its t.i.tle and restyled itself the Guild of a.s.sa.s.sins.

Regrettably, in 1767, following a rash wager by the then head of the Guild, who believed that two pairs could beat any other hand, the freehold of the main Guild premises pa.s.sed seamlessly to Sir John 'Mad Jack' Ramkin, and has remained in the possession of the Ramkin family until recently, when it became part of the marriage gift of Lady Sybil Ramkin to Sir Samuel Vimes, later His Grace the Duke of Ankh-Morpork, with whom the Guild has a good working relationship.

It now has the original seventy-two King's Scholars (as they are still known) plus 180 Oppidans and a varying number of scholarship boys, the number of the latter usually decreasing as the term progresses. In this form, it has continued to grow in reputation and influence in Ankh-Morpork and throughout the known Disc. Indeed, so great is the reputation of the Guild education that a number of students now come from Klatch.

There are many stories of a.s.sa.s.sins meeting, in the course of business, clients who themselves were 'old boys' of the school, and singing a few verses of the old school song together before the inhumation was completed. There have been occasions where the client, shedding tears of joy at the fact that his death would be a part of the ancient and wonderful tradition, signed over a large part of his fortune to the Guild, and many Guild scholarships and bursaries are a result of this. And of course all young a.s.sa.s.sins know the story of Sir Bernard Selachii who, upon meeting an a.s.sa.s.sin financed by a business rival, spent the entire evening with him, reminiscing about the great days they had shared in Wigblock House, before suggesting that they drink a toast to the old school and then, while his would-be a.s.sa.s.sin held his gla.s.s aloft, beating him to death with the brandy bottle. Subsequently, Sir Bernard endowed the Sir Bernard Selachii Award for Sheer Coolth, a much coveted prize to this day.

GUILD TRADITIONS.

Stealth Chess New members are always welcome for this exciting and taxing sport, which takes a few hours to grasp but a lifetime to master. It is an excellent test of memory and a remarkable sharpening of that most valuable of skills to an a.s.sa.s.sin rampant paranoia.

It has been argued that a form of Stealth Chess was the original chess; this point of view is largely based on the discovery, in an ancient tomb in Muntab, of a preserved corpse with an eight squares by ten squares chessboard embedded in its skull and a p.a.w.n hammered firmly up each nostril.

It is entirely unlike its better-known offspring in actual play, although there is only one unfamiliar type of piece. This is, of course, the a.s.sa.s.sin.

There are two on each side, outside the Rooks, facing one another down the two outermost files of squares (coloured red and white on the Muntab board, rather than the black and white of the rest of the board). These are known as the Slurks. No other type of piece may enter these. a.s.sa.s.sins, as they say, keep to the walls.

Strictly speaking, an a.s.sa.s.sin moves one square in any direction, or two to capture. And it may capture any piece on the board except another a.s.sa.s.sin that is, a player may sometimes choose to save a usefully positioned a.s.sa.s.sin by letting it 'a.s.sa.s.sinate' one of its fellow pieces in order to occupy its square but will never attack an opposing a.s.sa.s.sin, because ours is an honourable trade.

So far, that makes it merely a powerful, if slow piece. But it is 'movement in the Slurk' that is the a.s.sa.s.sin's forte, and an exciting move it is. It is hard to believe that the ancients had any concept of the Uncertainty Principle, but in short an a.s.sa.s.sin's real movement in the Slurk may not necessarily be in the direction it appears to be moving in. All the piece is indicating is that it is moving, not the direction; it is moving, as the wizards may say, through another dimension. If, for example, an a.s.sa.s.sin takes three moves in the Slurk it can on its next move reappear on any square three squares from the point where it entered and then make a one-square move to capture.

Players of the younger, conventional game find this hard to grasp and, once grasped, hard to live with as silent death appears in the middle of a cla.s.sic King's Klatchian defence and checkmates the King. Once newcomers pick up the idea, they then find that undue reliance on the powerful a.s.sa.s.sins can be unwise if they neglect the opponent's Queen in stately yet conventional progress down the board. Around this point they give up but for thrills and fascination there is nothing like watching a game between two skilled players with all four a.s.sa.s.sins in play and working invisibly with the other pieces, in an atmosphere of concentrated fear.

The acknowledged master of the game is the Patrician, Lord Havelock Vetinari, who won a Black four years running and honed his skill, or so it is said, by playing blindfold.

We can report a very successful season last year, winning all forty-eight games played (five or them by default, the opponent timing out in a terminal kind of way).

The Wall Game To the unfamiliar, this appears to be a cross between urban rock-climbing, squash, and actual bodily harm. It is traditionally played on the walls of the Guild's inner courtyard, but 'friendly' and practice games are played anywhere on Guild property when a wall has been adapted to mimic some of the original features (such as 'Old Mother Baggy's Washing Line', 'the Window Box', 'the c.o.ke Heaps', 'the Wonky Drainpipe', 'the Place Where the Mortar Is Rotten' and so on). Two teams of three per side are involved, playing with a small ball made of cork wrapped in leather bands. The rules are complex, points being scored by bouncing the ball off walls and opposing players, and only one member of any team may be below 100 inches from the ground at any time. Most games run into injury time, sometimes forever.

Pullis Corvorum On Soul Cake Tuesday, the Guild chef catches a young magpie and attaches it to a pancake which he then nails to one of the Guild doors, incanting: 'Pullis corvorum invocantibus eum.' The poor bird is then worried to death by first year students. A small prize, as yet unclaimed for more than two hundred years, will go to the boy who comes up with a halfway logical explanation for this.

Chapel Snoddie The pews nearest to the high altar are occupied by the Guild's teaching staff. Immediately below them, the pews are reserved for the Prefects. Old Prefects by tradition leave small packets of almonds and raisins for their new colleagues. This is known as Chapel Snoddie. It is, of course, a ritualised test; anyone who would eat any old food found lying around wouldn't last a term.

Tumpers It quickly became a tradition for the whole Guild to process to the Tump, where the new boys would be sprinkled with salt to instil them with wit for their coming years at CS, 'sal' meaning both salt and wit, and puns being the lowest form of the latter. Later this became a means of raising funds for Guild charities. Every year on 12 January, boys from the school go out in pairs onto the streets of Ankh-Morpork. One carries a stoneware pot of salt, the other a leather draw-string purse. They accost pa.s.sers-by and encourage them to make a donation to the Guild. When they receive money, the donor is given a pinch of salt and everyone feels embarra.s.sed.

May Blossom Day On May Day, if the Master of a.s.sa.s.sins gives permission and if the day is moist, the boys are permitted to rise early and collect boughs of May blossom in Hide Park and decorate with them the windows of their dormitories. The boys are, however, not allowed to get their feet wet. For the past ninety years, no boy has bothered to give it a try.

a.s.sa.s.sIN'S DRESS AND SCHOOL UNIFORM.

The correct clothing for any a.s.sa.s.sin 'at large' is black, and indeed many a.s.sa.s.sins wear no other colour even in their leisure hours, although deep purples and greys will not cause comment.

Boys are not allowed to wear black in their first two years, but may 'take dark' some time in their third if they are making satisfactory progress.

Boys (under 5' 6") in their first year at the Guild must wear the New Bod uniform of a midnight blue coat and knee breeches, worn with cream waistcoat and ruffled shirt, the whole capped off with a black tricorn of beaver pelt.

New Bod Scholars wear white duck trousers instead of the knee breeches and, of course, their heavy woollen Scholars' gown.

Boys over 5' 6" must wear all of the above plus a sheepish expression.

First and second year girls of any size must wear a black gymslip or pinafore, black woollen stockings, and round hat known as the 'blonker'.

The purpose of these outfits is to make the pupils feel rather foolish, and hence determined to succeed in their studies and 'take dark' at the earliest opportunity After 'taking dark', pupils are expected to dress fashionably while eschewing bright colours; young women are enjoined not to dress in a way that might unduly inflame the amorous propensities of their male colleagues. All pupils must wear the Guild's crest on their lapel.

All pupils pursuing post-graduate studies are ent.i.tled to dress and conduct themselves as full a.s.sa.s.sins.

Only Prefects may carry their umbrellas furled.

Apart from their stylish clothing they can also be recognised by their Guild salute the thumb pressed against the first two fingers of the right hand and rubbed gently, the ancient sign of a man expecting to be paid. Of course, another way of recognising them is when, at dead of night, someone stabs you. That was them. Presumably someone cared enough about you to pay.

The monetary aspect is vital. The a.s.sa.s.sins profess a great regard for the sanct.i.ty of human life, and therefore charge enormous amounts for taking it away. As they say: 'We do not kill merely for a handful of silver. It's a lapful of gold or nothing.' Killing for any other reason is an absolute and unforgivable violation of Guild rules, and any a.s.sa.s.sin discovered in breach of this rule would find himself at the very pointed end of his Guild's displeasure. By law, they must always leave a receipt.

Incidentally, they do not kill in bulk; they offer a personal service. Even the most famous a.s.sa.s.sins never killed more than thirty people in all their lives. They would consider guns and bombs as reducing the whole thing to the level of a farce.

Astfgl. Supreme Life President of h.e.l.l. One-time King of the Demons, Lord of h.e.l.l and Master of the Pit. A Pit, in any case. Despite his undoubted power, he is, like most demons, unimaginative, single-minded and irredeemably stupid in a bureaucratic, industrious sort of way. He favours a moustache, red silk coat, crimson tights and a cowl with two rather sophisticated horns on it, plus a trident (with a loose end). Nevertheless, when he loses control of his appearance, his talons show through his red silk gloves, he sprouts bat-like wings and his skull is framed by great coiled ram horns. Demons have no specific shape and it is a.s.sumed that he chose these two forms, which show a certain amount of flair, after seeing an ill.u.s.tration somewhere. [E]