Turtle Recall Part 18

Hong, Mr. (No relation, as far as is known.) Owner of the short-lived Three Jolly Luck Take-Away Fish Bar, which was built on the site of an old temple on Dagon Street and opened at the time of the full moon. No one really knows what happened to him in that terrible five minutes just after he opened for business, but he was certainly removed from the world so quickly that he had to leave some things behind. They were things you wouldn't expect to leave behind. [MAA]

Hopkins, Chickenwire. A farmer in the Ramtops who once threw a rock at Granny Weatherwax just after she'd helped a local troll. Soon afterwards his barns were mysteriously flattened one night. [WA]

Hopkins, Dr. Secretary of the Clockmakers' Guild. He is a middle-aged, bespectacled, sheep-faced man who likes to see the best in everybody. Although apparently as mild-mannered as milk, he has survived several years as Guild Secretary, so he must have hidden depths. He has a workshop several streets away from Jeremy CLOCKSON'S, where he makes novelty watches for a rather strange kind of discerning customer. [TOT]

Hopkinson. One-time Curator of the Ankh-Morpork Dwarf Bread Museum in Whirligig Alley. He was not himself a dwarf, being a tall man with a white beard and a squeaky voice. He wore his spectacles on a length of black tape the sure sign of a dangerously tidy mind. He wrote the definitive work on offensive bakery and was himself, ironically enough and much to his subsequent annoyance, beaten to death with a loaf of bread. [FOC]

Horace. A Lancre Blue Cheese made, and owned, by Tiffany. Horace is largely blue and black on the outside and he is probably the only cheese in the multiverse who moves around, mutters and eats mice. He is now an honorary Nac Mac Feegle. [W, ISWM]

Horsefry, Crispin. Of the Ankh-Morpork Credit Bank, and once on the board of the Grand Trunk Company. He acquired other people's money in a safe, secret and not very clever way.

He is a youngish man, who favours pink shirts. He is not simply running to fat, but vaulting, leaping and diving towards obesity. Even at the young age of thirty, he had acquired an impressive selection of chins. It is wrong, though, to judge by appearances. Despite his expression, which was of a piglet having a bright idea, and his mode of speech, which might put you in mind of a small, breathless, neurotic but ridiculously expensive dog, Mr Horsefry might well have been a kind, generous and pious man. In the same way, the man climbing out of your window in a stripey jumper, a mask and a great hurry might merely be lost on the way to a fancy-dress party, and the man in the wig and robes at the focus of the courtroom might only be a transvest.i.te who wandered in out of the rain. Snap judgements can be so unfair. [GP]

Horse People. The Horse Tribes of the Hubland steppes are born in the saddle, despite the inconvenience, and are particularly adept at natural or witch magic. They live in yurts heated by burning horse dung; this makes good fuel, but the Horse People have a lot to learn about air-conditioning starting with what it means. They eat horse cheese, horse meat, horse soup, horse black pudding, horse d'oeuvres and drink a thin beer you wouldn't want to speculate about. When he's not working elsewhere they tend to be joined by COHEN the Barbarian, who enjoys their easygoing att.i.tude to life, or at least to other people's lives. [LF]

Houser, Berenice. In charge of the back numbers department at the Ankh-Morpork Times. A plump lady, with a slightly wistful hungry look so many women of a certain age wear when they've decided to trust in G.o.ds because of the absolute impossibility of continuing to trust in men. [MM]

Howondaland. When people talk of the 'dark and mysterious continent of KLATCH' it is Howondaland they are referring to. Its borders are imprecise, since they begin where those of the other countries on the Hubwards coast of Klatch fade away (that is to say, where surveyors don't come back and map-makers are found nailed upside down to a tree). Indeed, it is hardly correct to call it a country it has a name simply because cartographers don't like vast expanses of empty paper. A few hardy souls trade there, but it remains one of the biggest genuinely unexplored areas of the Disc, and is widely believed to be even more dangerous for the unwary traveller than Shamlegger Street, Ankh-Morpork, on a Sat.u.r.day night.

Hrun the Barbarian. Hrun of CHIMERIA. One of the CIRCLE SEA'S more durable heroes. Not exceptionally bright, but exceptionally unimaginative. Nevertheless, practically an academic by Hub standards in that he can think without moving his lips.

Hrun has the statutory wide chest and neck like a tree trunk, but a surprisingly small head, with bushy eyebrows and stubbly chin under its wild thatch of black hair the effect is like putting a tomato on an upright coffin. His skin has a coppery gleam and there is much gold about his person in the shape of anklets and wristlets that once belonged to someone else, although he is otherwise naked apart from the usual leopardskin loincloth. (He killed the leopard with his teeth, according to legend, or his breath, according to likelihood.) For a while at least he carried the magical sword KRING.

He is believed to be working somewhere for wages these days. Sigh. [COM]

Hub, the. The centre of the Disc and site of CORI CELESTI. [COM]

Hubbub, Dimity. A trainee witch, along with others such as Tiffany Aching. [HFOS]

Hugglestones. A bleak, spartan boarding school, it is housed in a granite building on a rain-soaked moor, and its stated purpose is to make men from boys using methods such as playing very simple and violent games in the healthy outdoor sleet. A good way to survive on the playing fields of Hugglestones is to run very fast and shout a lot while inexplicably always being a long way from the ball. The staff at Hugglestones believe that, in sufficient quant.i.ties, 'being keen' can take the place of lesser attributes like intelligence, foresight and training. One of its old boys is William DE WORDE. [TT]

Humptemper. Author of Names of the Ants. A strange book, half magical treatise and half autobiography. The t.i.tle apparently derives from an account of the time Humptemper, who was highly skilled in the discipline witches call 'borrowing' and wizards called psychoproicio (lit. 'throwing away the mind'), spent inside the group mind of a nest of ants in the University's walls. [E]

Humptulip. Author of the 2,000-page Howe to Kille Insects. Frequently confused with HUMPTEMPER, although the former lived several centuries before. [MAA]

Hwel. A dwarf, banished from his tribe, not only because of his claustrophobia but also because of his tendency to daydream (both undesirable, not to say fatal, traits if you work in a mine). He has a very receptive mind for raw inspirations and is still one of the Discworld's premier playwrights, writing for VITOLLER'S troupe of players. He has a hairy bullet head and stubby legs and, at the time of Wyrd Sisters, was 102 years old the prime of life for a dwarf. [WS, LL]

Hydrophobes. Also known as Loathers. Wizards who loathe water; the very idea of it revolts them. A really good hydrophobe has to be trained on dehydrated water from birth. Although they make great weather magicians (rain clouds just give up and go away), they are mainly used on the kingdom of KRULL to power the flying lens means of transport, which can be suspended over water by the sheer power of revulsion from the hydrophobes strapped to the lens' rim. They wear distinctive black and dark blue robes and all wear ingrained expressions of self-revulsion at their own body fluids. They die young; they just can't live with themselves. [COM]

Ibid. Ephebian philosopher and author of Discourses and Civics. Tall and willowy with an indefinable air of authority, he is a well-known expert on everything except geometry, interior decorating and elementary logic. [P, SG]

Ice Giants. The size of large houses, craggy and faceted, glinting green and blue in the light. Their eyes are tiny and black and deep-set, like lumps of coal (although this is the only way in which they resemble the idols built, in response to ancient and unacknowledged memories, by children in snowy weather).

The Ice Giants have been engaged in an eons-old battle with the G.o.ds and are currently imprisoned inside a wall of mountains at the Hub. They probably began as a metaphor for glaciers, but we know what happens to metaphors on the Disc.

Technically, the Ice Giants are probably a type of troll. [LF, S]

Iconoscope/iconograph. The iconograph is a picture-making box. Operates via a small demon imprisoned inside with a good eye for colour and a speedy hand with a paintbrush.

Introduced to the STO PLAINS by TWOFLOWER the tourist, it was subsequently developed in Ankh-Morpork. By the time of the moving picture craze in HOLY WOOD it was possible to achieve motion pictures by using a lot of demons and getting them to paint very fast by means of a handle attached to a lot of tiny whips. And by the time of Men At Arms, CARROT even on a Watch corporal's salary was able to buy a small iconograph, by then known, because of the demon inside, as a 'brownie'. [COM, LF, MP]

Iesope. An Ephebian, and another contender for 'Greatest Teller of Stories in the World'. The one about the fox and the grapes went down very well among the farmers who know how important it is to lock up their grapes every night. [P]

Igneous. The not-very-law-abiding troll owner of a pottery in Ankh-Morpork, and one of the city's most established troll residents His foetid production line is often the first place of employment for trolls who have arrived rather hurriedly in Ankh-Morpork because they are wanted for various crimes in the mountains, and Igneous has long been suspected of occasionally working for the Breccia, which sometimes needs things to be moved around surrept.i.tiously. It was his registering the name of the Hollow Statue Export Company that first made the Watch suspicious. [GG, FOC]

Igor. Everyone who is (or was) anyone in uberwald has an Igor as a servant. uberwald's servant cla.s.s is heavily populated with extremely similar-looking a.s.sistants, all of whom are called Igor, to save confusion. At least, to save confusion amongst Igors.

They are in fact a clan which, instead of myths and legends, pa.s.ses on the secrets of incredibly skilled surgery (except in the area of cosmetics), plus various a.s.sociated hints and tips, often to do with weird chemistry and lightning rods. The Igors effectively treat their own bodies as the common property of all Igors and they would hope that any useful bits they have will be pa.s.sed on to their relatives; Igors do not so much die as get broken down for spares.

For reasons that have never satisfactorily been explained, Igors seem very popular with the ladies and, bizarrely perhaps, their daughters (Igorinas) tend to be very pretty. Igorinas sometimes learn the skills, although they refrain from the lisping and the very visible st.i.tching; they are not necessary in any case, but are the Igor equivalent of tribal markings. One of the better known Igorinas played a main role in the events of Monstrous Regiment.

Although cla.s.sically Igors are to be found working for insane geniuses living in draughty castles, they give freely of their time and talent to anyone in need. Many a life or livelihood has been saved by a carefully grafted-on foot, arm or head. However, the Igors are firm believers in the principle of 'what goes around, comes around' and, whenever possible, they a.s.sume and expect that anyone helped by them will, when the time finally comes, see their way clear to letting any local Igor have a quick rummage to see if there are any organs worth recovering. Thus, Igors are very respected in uberwald; they may look like a road accident, but a good Igor could probably get an uncooked sausage to grunt and hunt truffles.

The Igors have now formed an agency We R Igors 'A Spare Hand When Needed', based at the Old Rathaus, Bad Schuschein (c-mail Yethmarthter uberwald). The code of the Igors is very strict Never Contradict. Never Complain. Never Make Personal Remarks. Never, Ever Ask Questions. Never Oil Doors.

Igors are loyal, but they are not stupid. A job is a job. When an employer has no further use for your services, for example because he's just been staked through the heart by a crowd of angry villagers, it's time to move on before they decide that you ought to be on the next stake. An Igor soon learns a secret way out of any castle and where to stash an overnight bag. In the words of one of the founding Igors: 'We belong dead? Ecthuthe me? Where doeth it thay "we"?'

In the course of the books, we have met a variety of Igors: The de Magpyr Igor. Like most Igors, he has a lisp and walks with a limp. His hand is a ma.s.s of scars and st.i.tches and he has a geometrical smile because of the row of st.i.tches right across his face. He has two thumbs on his right hand and two hearts (one, it is thought, a bequest from a Mr Swines; installing his own second heart is something an Igor does early in his career). His feet were a bequest from a Mikhail Zwenitz. He has installed a metal plate in his head, wired down to his boots in case of lightning strikes.

The Emba.s.sy Igor. His eyes are different colours, unlike his cousin, at Lady Margolotta's.

Jeremy CLOCKSON'S Igor. He has the traditional blackened fingernails and was sent to work for Jeremy by Lady LEJEAN. His grandfather, with Demented Doctor Wingle, built the first Gla.s.s Clock of Bad Schuschein. Before working for Jeremy, he had worked for Mad Doctor Scoop, Crazed Baron Haha, Screaming Doctor Berserk, Nipsie the Impaler, Dribbling Doctor Vibes and Baron Finkelstein. This is a fairly normal resume for an Igor, and rather than indicate a footloose nature it merely recognises that, quite often, the mob wins.

Lady Margolotta's Igor. As he says himself, he is Igor, son of Igor, nephew of several Igors, brother of Igors and cousin of more Igors. Although he wears the traditional shabby black tailcoat, he has both eyes the same colour, which suggests a young Igor just starting out.

The Watch Igor. Nephew of the Emba.s.sy Igor and constable in the City Watch, although strictly speaking he is a forensics specialist and Watch medic. He's quite young-looking. Like many Igors, he has his eyes on different levels. One ear is larger than the other and his face is a network of scars. He has a deformed hairstyle greasy black hair brushed forward into an overhanging quiff of excessive length and with a 'DA' at the back. He enhances his Igor clothing with a pair of crepe-soled shoes. He has two thumbs on his right hand and two hearts. He thinks of himself as quite modern and every so often forgets to lisp. Being at the forefront of Igoring, he is a keen genetic experimenter and his gloomy cellar generally has an angry tomato or enraged experimental leek in it somewhere.

The Igorina in Monstrous Regiment. Wears dusty black, with cobwebs all over it the kind of suit people get buried in. Aged around eighteen, with a homely face (the kind of home that has a burned-out vehicle on the lawn). Quiet and neat with her hair kept initially in a jar she sometimes forgets to lisp.

Illuminated & Ancient Brethren of Ee. Secret society in Ankh-Morpork. You never hear about all the charity work they do because they don't do any. [GG]

Imp y Celyn. A bard from LLAMEDOS. A tall, eighteen-year-old harpist with dark, curly hair, who went to Ankh-Morpork to seek his fortune after falling out with his father, a strong-minded druid. Until the city and certain other things worked their magic on him he had been a good, circle-going boy from the valleys, who didn't drink, didn't swear and played the harp at every druidic sacrifice.

He became a member of the pop music group The BAND WITH ROCKS IN, adopting the stage name 'Buddy' because his real name, 'Imp', means 'small shoot' or 'bud'. 'y Celyn' means 'of the holly'; it was obvious that anyone with a name like 'Bud of the Holly' would find this a drawback in the music business. [SM]

Incessant, the Hon. Douglas. An a.s.sa.s.sin, a guest at the ball in Genua on Samedi Nuit Mort. [WA]

Inn-sewer-ants. An Agatean concept: people pay money against the odds of a disaster occurring. The importation of this idea is allegedly the reason behind the most recent fire to have destroyed much of Ankh-Morpork. [COM]

Inns. Known drinking-houses on the Disc include: Blue Lias (Holy Wood) [MP]

Bucket (Ankh-Morpork) [MAA]

Bunch of Grapes (Ankh-Morpork) [GG]

Butcher's Eagle [MM]

Crimson Leech (Ankh-Morpork) [COM]

Fiddler's Riddle (Ohulan Cutash) Goblin's Head [SN]

Goat & Bush (Lancre) [LL]

Goat & Spirit Level [GP]

King's Back, the [ISWM]

King's Legs, the [HFOS]

Mended Drum (Ankh-Morpork) Quene's Hed/Duke's Head (Sto Helit) [M]

Thank G.o.ds It's Open [T]

Troll's Head (Ankh-Morpork, in the Shades.) [S]

Turkey and Vegetables [UA]

Insider, the. An old dark G.o.d of the NECROTELICOMNICON. As the name suggests, probably yet another Dungeon Dimension inhabitant who managed to enter Reality and stay there. [ER]

Inspirations. A fundamental particle in the Discworld universe. It is harder to describe them than it is to describe their effect, which is to create ideas or, more accurately, sudden insights in the human brain.

It has been postulated that untold millions of inspirations constantly sleet through the universe. They can pa.s.s through absolutely anything and also seem to be able to travel, tachyon-like, through time. However, the human or near-human brain contains a receptor which, while it doesn't stop an inspiration, can be fired up by the pa.s.sage of one (causing, in that telling phrase, 'a flash of inspiration' and not for nothing do we say 'I was struck by an idea').

This causes the throwing out of an idea. It may be for a play, an invention or something insubstantial, such as a theory of genetics. Since inspirations are not restricted in time, it may also be for something quite anachronistic. Presumably the brighter proto-hominids went to sleep in their trees and were occasionally awakened and mystified by the idea of pre-sliced bread or cold fusion for hundreds of years before the more immediately useful one involving the idea of hanging on more tightly happened to be shooting past.

According to Ponder STIBBONS of Unseen University, inspirations also originate in the human brain. In some rare individuals an inspiration may excite the inspiration node, causing it to throw off new inspirations. There is certainly anecdotal evidence for this. Everyone knows people who are not only brilliant in themselves but also generate ideas in other people around them.

Which, given the Discworld's love of opposites, must also mean that there are people who are an 'ideas sink'. And, again, common observation suggests that this is the case. There are certainly people who, humdrum in themselves, cause humdrumity in others as well. It is as if they act as a lightning rod for any originality around them, diverting it to earth.

For some reason, these people quite often end up in positions of power.

Interchangeable Emmas. Commander VIMES'S name for the well-bred young women who muck out, dose, worm and exercise the dragons at Ankh-Morpork's SUNSHINE SANCTUARY and, by extension, that large army of Alice-banded sisters who do much the same job at stables and kennels all over the universe. It's a strange fact that the more highly born the family, the more likely the young female members are to be doing something smelly with a big fork.

Invisible writings. The study of invisible writings is a new discipline in Unseen University made available by the discovery of the bi-directional nature of Library-s.p.a.ce. The thaumic mathematics are complex, but boil down to the fact that all books, everywhere, affect all other books. This is obvious: books inspire other books written in the future, and cite books written in the past (as is the case this very moment). The General Theory of L-s.p.a.ce suggests that, in that case, the contents of books as yet unwritten can be deduced from books now in existence.

The Reader in Invisible Writings is currently Ponder STIBBONS. [LL]

Iodine. Fourth former at the Quirm College for the Daughters of Gentlefolk. Her father liked the sound of the word. [SM]

Ipslore the Red. A wizard. Eighth son of an eighth son powerful and of course wearing a pointy hat. He fled the halls of magic and fell in love and got married (not necessarily in that order). He had eight sons: the first seven were at least as powerful as any wizard in the world; the eighth was a sourcerer. (See COIN and MAGIC.) [S]

Irexes. Ephebian philosopher who found that sandstone is stone pressed out of sand, which suggested to him that grains are the fathers of mountains. [SG]

Ironcrust, Setha. Proprietor of a dwarf bakery in Ankh-Morpork, the motto of which is 'T'Bread Wi'T'Edge'. This is, of course, dwarf bread, the meal which is also a weapon. Ironcrust's slightly industrialised process apparently produces quite a reasonable loaf, although most dwarfs say that it does not have the taste or destructive power of the traditional hand-forged stuff. Quite a lot is still imported from the mountains. This takes some time, but dwarf bread is said to improve with age. [FOC, T!]

Ironfoundersson, Mr. 'King' Ironfoundersson, of COPPERHEAD in LANCRE. CARROT'S adoptive father. He made the crown for the Queen of Lancre. As is usual among dwarfs, the royal t.i.tle is merely a technical term and has few of the connotations that it carries among humans, where being treated 'like royalty' means that people are likely to try to take sneaky pictures of you with your clothes off. [LL]

Ishkible. Prophet of the Omnian religion. [SG]

Ixolite. One of the last surviving banshees. A member of the FRESH START CLUB, who stays at Mrs CAKE'S lodging house. Tall, with a long, sad face, he is usually seen wrapped in something which may be a long cloak but could possibly be wings. He has a speech impediment and is shy of meeting people, so instead of sitting on rooftops screaming when people are about to die he just writes them a suitable note ('OooeeeOooeeeOoooeee') and slips it under the door and runs away. Technically, banshees should be female; this might be one of the reasons for his sadness. [RM, LL, MAA]

Jackrum, Sergeant. (Jack). Later Sergeant-Major. A big fat sergeant in the Borogravian army Tenth Infantry the 'Ins & Outs' (also, the 'Cheesemongers'). The word 'fat' could not honestly be applied to Jackrum, not when the word 'gross' is lumbering forward to catch your attention. One of those people who don't have a waist instead, Jackrum has an equator. A gravity. If Jackrum fell over, in any direction, he would rock. Sun and drink have dried his face red his small dark eyes twinkle in the redness like the sparkle on the edge of a knife. In his shirtsleeves, he is still almost spherical from his neck, folds of skin lap their way down to the tropical regions.

Has had a long career in the army over forty years. He has been court-martialled twice (got off both times), saved the life of General FROC and is believed to have killed at least one officer. Around his neck he wears his official King's Shilling and a locket with a picture of a dark-haired girl and a young man (William), who was killed at Sepple. Jackrum used to run a pig farm and look after his three brothers. He has a son, William, who is an armourer in Scritz. [MR]

Jackson, 'Tonker'. An old army pal of Sergeant Fred COLON. [ MAA ]

Jade, Princess. A troll schoolfriend of SUSAN at the QUIRM COLLEGE FOR YOUNG LADIES. She had bad eyesight, knitted chain mail in handicraft cla.s.s and had a note excusing her from unnecessary sunshine. Comes from the COPPERHEAD area of LANCRE. Anti-siliconism is still a feature of Discworld affairs and she was probably accepted because sn.o.bbery beat speciesism; the headmistress said a princess, even a troll one, would add ton to the school. In Jade's case she was right to within a few pounds. [SM]

Jaims. A son of Gordo Smith and another brother of ESK. [ER]

j.a.pe, Brother. Lecturer at the FOOLS' GUILD. He has a soul like cold boiled string and teaches juggling. [WS]

Jeannie. The Kelda of Tiffany's local Nac Mac Feegle and wife to ROB ANYBODY. As round as a tiny football. Very wise and kind, she is an educating and calming influence on the Feegles. Jeannie is a modern kelda, and she has encouraged literacy among her sons and brothers.

Jefferson, Jethro. Village blacksmith near to Ramkin Hall. He lives, with his old mum, near the centre of the village, overlooking the village green. [SN]

Jenkins, Owlswick. An expert engraver (and stamp forger). He is a little man, clean shaven apart from a little pointy beard. He used to live in Short Alley, Ankh-Morpork no house number because Short Alley is only big enough for one door. Has also been known as Exorbit Clamp and Owlswick Clamp. He is, by certain standards, very sane. Faced with a world too busy, complex and incomprehensible to deal with, he's reduced it to a small bubble just big enough to hold him and his palette. It's nice and quiet in there. All the noises are far away, and They can't spy on him. [MM]

Jerakeen. One of the four giant elephants supporting the Discworld. [COM]

Jimbo. Best friend to CRASH. Plays the ba.s.s guitar, or at least moves his hands on one, in Crash's musical group originally called Insanity. [SM]

Jiminy. Landlord of the Goblin's Head, close to Ramkin Hall. He lives there with his wife, and his daughter, who is a maid up at Ramkin Hall. He used to be a copper in the Pseudopolis City Watch, and he still keeps his rosewood truncheon under the bar at the pub. [SN]

Jimmi. G.o.d of beggars. Panhandles prayers.

Jimmy, Doughnut. Full name: James Folsom. A horse doctor in Ankh-Morpork, who can usually be found up the stables on King's Down. He has bandy legs, hence his name, but the second thing people notice about him is his teeth the colour of the inside of an unwashed teapot and arranged like an explosion in a graveyard. Oddly enough, in a city where people have to die as best they can without doctors to help them, Doughnut is a handy man to have in a medical emergency. After all, he usually works with racehorses, which are worth a lot of money, rather than people, who generally aren't worth very much. So he had to get results, because the kind of people who race and bet on horses can get very, very angry if none are forthcoming. However, if you call him in you must remember that he won't ask you questions, may well prescribe bran and, if you have a broken leg, will shoot you. [FOC]

Johnson, Bergholt Stuttley ('b.l.o.o.d.y Stupid Johnson'). A broadly incompetent landscape gardener, but also considerably unskilled in the fields of civic statuary and large musical instruments.

Also known as 'b.l.o.o.d.y Stupid "It Might Look A Bit Messy Now But Just You Come Back in Five Hundred Years' Time" Johnson', or 'b.l.o.o.d.y Stupid "Look, The Plans Were the Right Way Round When I Drew Them" Johnson'.

It would be wrong to call him completely unskilled, because some of the creations for which he'll be remembered must surely have taken considerable skill. It was just not the right skill.

Fundamental to his approach was blindness to the significance of, and more importantly the difference between, such things as feet and inches and ounces and pounds. He never let this get him down, however, and was relentlessly cheerful in the face of endless disappointment.

Among his achievements were an artificial hillock built from 2,000 tons of earth in front of Quirm Manor because 'It'd drive me mad to have to look at a bunch of trees and mountains all day long, how about you?'; he also designed the commemorative arch celebrating the Battle of Crumhorn, which is kept in a small cardboard box, the Collapsed Tower of Quirm, the huge beehive in the Palace gardens, the Quirm Memorial, the Hanging Gardens of Ankh and the Colossus of Morpork (the last three are pocket-sized), and the ornamental cruet set for Mad Lord SNAPCASE. Four families live in the salt shaker, and the pepper pot is used for storing grain (both in Upper Broadway, souvenir guidebook 2p).

Johnson was never a man to let inexperience or incompetence in any field stand in his way, and with his near-G.o.dlike inept.i.tude often achieved effects that a genius might find hard to accomplish. For example, he built the organ in the Ankh-Morpork OPERA HOUSE as well as the great organ of Unseen University, which has the widest range of any musical instrument known to man, G.o.d or devil. The organ is also linked by some means (to Johnson all pipes are pretty much the same) to the UU's Patent 'Typhoon' Superior Indoor Ablutorium with Automatic Soap Dish, recently re-opened. However, only Archchanellor RIDCULLY was brave or foolish enough to have a shower in it. No one has ever got to the bottom of what happened, but he had it sealed up again very soon afterwards.

He also designed the Sorting Machine at the Ankh-Morpork Post Office. (It had started life as an organ, but ended up as a machine for sorting letters.) Strangely enough, Johnson's renowned lack of apt.i.tude brought him considerable fame and quite a few commissions in later life. There are always very rich people looking for fashionable and amusing ways of spending their money, and Johnson was for a while much in demand by those who found that oversized ornamental temples at the bottom of small lakes, or tree-lined avenues four feet long, brightened up their day. It became quite the thing 'to have been Johnsoned'.

Johnson can be summed up as being on the opposite end of the scale which, at the other end, contains people like LEONARD OF QUIRM. The high spot of his career is thought to be the PATRICIAN'S PALACE grounds (do not go at noon, when the chiming sundial tends to explode).

Jolson, All. A huge man who owns a restaurant close to Broad Way. He is Ankh-Morpork's best chef and keenest eater. He is a man who'd show up on an atlas and could change the orbit of small planets. Therefore, no one seeing him for the first time could believe it was all Jolson. He has a daughter, Precious. [TFE]

Jolson, Precious. Daughter of All Jolson and Constable in the A-M City Watch. She is a large family-sized good-natured lady. A fountainhead of jolliness. [SN]