Turtle Recall Part 14

Wormseed, Treacle [WS]

Flume, Lady Odile A pupil in the fifth form of the Quirm College for the Daughters of Gentlefolk. Her great-great-grandmother was once seduced by the G.o.d Blind Io in the form of a vase of daisies. So she claims, anyway. [SM]

Flutter, Ted. A snotty b.u.g.g.e.r who used to work for young Lord Rust over at Hangnail. He's just a bloke. If someone needs help for something or other, he's the kind of bloke who'd be the lookout or be told to take away the bones. When not up to mischief, he hangs wallpaper and runs a turkey farm up on the road towards Overhang. It's a stinky place and he doesn't take care of his birds. In Feeney UPSHOT'S opinion, he's not entirely all there. [SN]

Follett, Dr. Master of a.s.sa.s.sins and ex-Officio Headmaster of the a.s.sa.s.sins' Guild School. Known, to the boys, as 'Old Folly'. There were rumours about whether or not his white hair was a wig, but nothing has ever been firmly established. He went missing very shortly after a.s.sisting Lord Snapcase to become Patrician of the city. All that can be usefully said is that Lord Snapcase was not a naturally grateful man. [NW]

Folsom, Jimmy. See, Doughnut Jimmy.

Fondel. Composer. Wrote 'The Wedding March'. [MAA]

Food and drink. The Discworld is famed for its cuisine. A visitor would be able to eat for a year without needing to repeat a meal, and in most cases without wanting to.

Almonte (liqueur) [T!]

Amanita Liquor [M]

Antipasta. Created some hours after the meal, whereupon it exists backwards in time and, if properly prepared, should arrive on the tastebuds at exactly the same moment, thus creating a true taste explosion. It costs five thousand dollars a forkful, or a little more if you include the cost of cleaning the tomato sauce off the walls afterwards. [RM]

Apple Glazier (invented by Imposo for Dame Margyreen Glazier) [TLC]

Banged Grains. Made of corn heated in cooking oil with salt and b.u.t.ter added. Tastes of salt, b.u.t.ter and cardboard. [MP]

Barnacle canapes [COM]

Bearhugger's Whiskey Cream [T!} Bentinck's Very Old Peculiar Brandy [RM]

Black Death Meringue [TFE]

Blowfish, Deep Sea. Safe to eat if every bit of stomach, liver and digestive tract is removed. Better still, to be on the safe side it is wise to remove every part of the fish. [P]

Boiled Eels [NW]

Brandy Pillows [MR]

Cakes, Dwarfish (very solid and inedible see DWARF BREAD) Captain Horace Calumney's Patent Field Biscuits [MR]

Carrot and Oyster Pie. Nanny Ogg's recipe. Carrots so you can see in the dark, oysters so you've got something to look at. [LL]

Cheese (Lancre has the holes, Quirm is the one with the blue veins.) [SM]

Clammer's Beefymite Spread [FOC]

Clooty Dumplings [MAA]

c.o.c.ktails Angel's Tears, Just s.e.x, p.u.s.s.y Galore, No Brainer, Screaming o.r.g.a.s.m, Pink, Big & Wobbly & (a troll one) Electrick Floorbanger [MR, T!]

Dark Enchantments (chocolates) [RM]

Distressed Pudding [MAA]

Duck & Dirty Rice [TOT]

Englebert's Enhancer [H]

Farmhouse Nutty (cheese with the human touch since that . . . accident . . . at the vat) [M!!!!!]

Fatsup (soup with sausages) [TFE]

Fikkun Haddock [MAA]

Fluff (a mix of strong beer & sc.u.mble) [T!]

Ghlen Livid. Fermented vul nut drink distilled in the Agatean Empire. Also made in the Rehigreed Province using re-annual plants. It is believed that some is being imported now into Ankh-Morpork. [COM]

Jammy Devils [MAA]

Jellyfish, Crystallised [COM]

Jimkin BEARHUGGER'S whiskey quite strong, and often matured for hours at a time.

Klatchian Coffee. Very strong: goes through an untrained stomach like a hot ballbearing through runny b.u.t.ter. This strange, thick brew is drunk in thimble-sized cups. It doesn't just sober you up; it takes you through sobriety and out the other side, so that you glimpse the real universe beyond the clouds of warm self-delusion that sapient life usually generates around itself to stop it turning into a nutcake. Coffee enthusiasts take the precaution of getting thoroughly drunk before touching the stuff. Varieties include Curly Mountain Straight and Red Desert Special. [S, MP, MAA]

Klatchian Delight (doubles as a sweetmeat and flypaper) [SG]

Klatchian Hots (type of pizza) [GG]

Klatchian Rare Roasted ('When a Pickaxe is Not Enough!') [MR]

Knuckle Sandwich [MAA]

Lancre Extra Strong (cheese) [M!!!!!]

Leftover Sandwiches Soup (invented by Nanny Ogg) [W]

Lob Scouse [NW]

Lord Green (tea) [TAMAHER]

Luglarr (strong trolldrink) ('Big Hammer') [MR]

MacAbre single malt [HFOS]

Merckle & Stingbat's Very Famous Brown Sauce [GG]

Mustard Mrs Edith Leakall's Premium Reserve [GP]

Noggi (buckwheat dumplings stuffed with stuff) [TFE]

Nourishing Boiled Socks Surprise [W]

Old Overcoat (another fine product from Jimkin Bearhugger's vats) [M]

Orakh. Made from cactus sap and scorpion venom. One of the most virulent alcoholic beverages in the universe. Not drunk for its intoxicating effects, but to mitigate the effects of Klatchian coffee (see above).

Orange Ormulu (invented by Charley's dad for Dame Janeen Ormulu) [TLC]

Peach Corniche. One of those sticky drinks no barman ever expects to take off the shelf. [M]

Peach Nellie (invented by Rincewind for Dame Nellie b.u.t.t) [TLC]

Pressed Seaweed biscuits [COM]

Sclot (bread made from parsnips) [TFE]

Scubbo (various forms of military stew) [MR]

Sc.u.mBLE.

Sea Grape wine [COM]

Sea Urchin, Candied [COM]

Shark's Fin soup [LF]

Sheergold's (Mrs) Lubricated Throat Lozenges [W]

Sklang [TOT]

Slumgullet [NW]

Slumpie [MAA]

Smitten Steak [TFE]

Soft Nellies (sheep cheese) [HFOS]

Soggy Mountain Dew, C.M.O.T. Dibbler's Genuine Authentic. Despite its name, it is not strong and may not even be alcoholic, its effects being caused by whatever Mr Dibbler thinks might give it some kind of kick - gunpowder, corroded copper, and so on. [MAA]

Spring Cordial [M]

Squid, Crystallised [COM]

Squishi (possibly like sushi, only older) [LF, M, P]

Stardrip (plum brandy, brewed in the Ramtops) [M]

Starfish, Baby, with Puree of Sea Cuc.u.mbers [COM]

Starfish, Candied [COM]

Strawberry Sackville (invented by Nunco for Dame Wendy Sackville) [TLC]

Three Wizards' Chardonnay [H]

Tracklement's Yums (dog biscuits) [MM]

Traveller's Digestives [LF]

Treacle Billy [NW]

Turbot's Really Odd (real ale) [SM]

Vole & Pork Sausages [TAMAHER]

Wahlulu (liqueur) [T!]

Walago (a kind of pastry made from curtains) [TFE]

Wet Nellies [NW]

Winkle's Old Peculiar (beer) (also Mage's Special)[FOC, TSOD, UA]

WOW-WOW SAUCE.

Fool, the. (see VERENCE II) Fools' Guild. Guild of Fools and Joculators and College of Clowns. Motto: DICO, DICO, DICO. Coat of arms: a shield, bisected dancette. The upper half, sable with a roundel, gules. Each lower point decorated with a clochette d'or. The lower half is bisected vertically, the right half being azure, the left half, argent.

The Guildhouse is located on the corner of G.o.d Street and Widdershins Broadway. One of the more recent Ankh-Morpork Guilds, although like the a.s.sa.s.sINS' GUILD and Unseen University it is a major exporter of its graduates and has ancient origins among the circus fraternity.

A BRIEF TOUR OF THE GUILD BUILDING.

Little is known about the origins of the building which was to become the Guild House. It features in some early records of Unseen University as 'the Plague House', and the last known occupants before the mysterious fire and highly localised earthquake in 1547 were apparently The Brotherhood of Infernal Zoth the Undying Renderer, a contemplative order.

The ruins were bought by the Guild shortly afterwards and there have been many changes, although many areas of the property still have a certain monastic charm, particularly the Chamber of Spikes (although the mechanism no longer works.) Much of the current frontage, including the famous Red Nose, was designed by the great architect Bergholt Stutley JOHNSON. His equally famous water cannon in the shape of a giant daisy is no longer in use following the unfortunate drowning incident and is now in the Guild Museum, as is the very humorous Custard Pie machine that originally greeted visitors. Its purpose was put them in the right mirthful frame of mind, but regrettably Mr Johnson underestimated the effects of even quite runny custard when accelerated instantly to 300mph.

The building is built around a circle, or ring, which is permanently in use for training purposes and is roofed with canvas in the winter. There is a Floral b.u.t.tonhole target range and, of course, the traditional pie b.u.t.ts (bulk custard and whitewash tanks have been installed on the roof for easy distribution throughout the building.) Visitors, once they have cleaned themselves off, should on no account miss the Office of Fun, where the Guild council meets. There has been much hurtful talk suggesting that the Guild are behind the times, but these days as many as three new jokes a year are considered by the council, and a good candidate joke or routine gets through the various stages and committees in as short a time as twenty years.

Some of the earliest jokes are on display here, including the meagre remains of the actual custard pie which, as any Fool knows, was inadvertently hurled by Gilbert the Stupid when he slipped on a mutton bone in the long house of Picric, Eorle of Nothingfjord, and delivered the custard full in Picric's face. The rest is history. Students of Foolish history still visit his graves which, owing to Picric's curious lack of a sense of humour, are dotted around Nothingfjord, some of them in quite inaccessible places.

Other exhibits include the original Dog with No Nose (which smells of formaldehyde, and is also s.h.a.ggy), part of the cranium of what is believed to be one of the original trio of Three Men Who Went Into A Pub, and a genuine Alligator Sandwich.

Close by is the very heart of the Guild: THE HALL OF FACES.

Even outsiders have heard of the hall which contains, ranging in long lines, blown eggs on which have been carefully recorded the facial make-up of every Guild member (plus full doc.u.mentation about dress, special routines and so on). Few, though, realise the full significance of this. A clown is the face; the face is the clown.

Using the face of another clown except under very special circ.u.mstances is an offence punishable by eventual death. For a clown's face is also his fortune. A dying clown may will it to a son, or it may be auctioned by the Guild, and the full make-up, dress and routines of a famous clown may change hands for many thousands of dollars. It is a kind of immortality. The Great Bazonko has been clowning now for over four hundred years. Doctor Whiteface has been head of the Guild for almost three hundred. He has worked in the same office, worn the same costume and certainly always worn the same make-up. He speaks in the same clipped tones. Men may come and go, but there is always a Doctor Whiteface.

From here it is but a short walk to: THE BOUNCY NORMO LIBRARY.