Tom, Dick and Harry Part 31

"When we talk of a beautiful face we mean a face that is--"

"--plastered over with mud and grime, and hardly recognisable till it is sc.r.a.ped clean, or--"

"people differ very much about it--what one person thinks beautiful, another--"

"generally digs for with spades and shovels, and may spend days--"

"--trying to look less ugly than they really are--"

"--some people find this quite impossible and have to employ persons to--"

"make personal remarks about their neighbours--"

"gentlemen,--"

"I need not remind you that among the Urbans--"

"are to be found some of the most hideous types of ugliness imaginable-- what we need is--"

"--a little common sense to enable us to tell the difference between shams--"

"--like ourselves and the baboons, which is not always easy. In conclusion, gentlemen, I beg to point to our--"

"--dirty hands and faces, which no one who is really interested in hunting for remains of his native--"

"--ugliness ought to be ashamed of."

And so on.

We were too busy cheering our own orator and listening to the enemy's to take in the full humour of the medley at the time. The opening speeches were evidently prepared beforehand (a good part of them possibly copied bodily out of some book). But, as soon as the chairman on either side declared the subject open for discussion, the interest thickened.

Flitwick led off on "Remains," whereas it fell to my lot to reply on "Beauty." By a little sharp practice, I got the lead, which, as it happened, turned out more to the enemy's profit than my own.

"Gentlemen," shouted I, for the breeze made it necessary to speak out, "I beg to disagree with all that the last speaker has said."

"Gentlemen," came the answering voice of Flitwick, "in consequence of a donkey braying somewhere near, I fear I shall find it difficult to make myself heard."

"When people have nothing to say," continued I, "the less they try to say the better."

"I will not imitate the idiots who call themselves Philosophers, and yet don't know what gender a simple Latin word like _corpore_ is."

"It is sad to think how many afflicted ones there are, close to us, who cannot possibly be as big fools as they look, or look as big fools as they are."

"The one kind of remains you can't find are the remains of a Philosopher's lunch. 'Greedy' is a mild word to use for their sickening gluttony."

"If you want to look for beauty, gentlemen, you should look anywhere but straight in front of you." (Cheers.)

"Gentlemen, as I hear some geese quacking, as well as the donkey braying, I find it difficult to say what I want." (Laughter.)

"I deny that there is any beauty in the laugh of a pack of hyenas."

"If there was anybody here called Sarah," continued Flitwick, wandering farther and farther from his point, "who has been brought up in a girls'

school, and wears tan boots and lavender gloves in school (loud and derisive shouts), and is well-known as the dunce of his house (hear, hear), I should advise him never to look in the looking-gla.s.s if he is afraid of chimpanzees."

This was too much for the pent-up feelings of the Philosophers--not that they particularly resented Flitwick's facetious allusions to myself--but in my capacity as President of the Club they felt called upon to support me.

"Shut up, cheap-jack!" cried Trimble defiantly. We had given ourselves away at last!

"Hullo," cried Flitwick, "there's somebody here! I wonder if those little cads of Sharpe's have found out our place?"

"_Your_ place!" thundered Warminster. "You knew it was ours. And we mean to kick you out."

"Ho! ho! when are you going to begin?" shouted the twenty Urbans.

"Now," yelled the twenty Philosophers.

A battle now seemed imminent, as fierce and disastrous as that fought four centuries before on the adjoining heath. The blood of both parties was up, and I might even have found myself engaged in a hand-to-hand combat with my old chum d.i.c.ky, had not Tempest unexpectedly appeared on the scene, like a bolt out of the blue.

He was pushing along his bicycle, and had evidently been attracted to the Bottom by the noise.

"What's up?" he inquired, taking advantage of the temporary silence.

"Those day-boy cads have come and bagged our places and spoiled our fun," said we.

"No, it's your kids who have come and stopped ours," protested the enemy.

"And you're all going down into the middle to have a mill," said Tempest. "Just as you like. But why don't you try a tug of war across instead? You're pretty evenly matched, and I'll umpire!"

It was not a bad idea, and took beautifully. The only drawback was, that Tempest being a Sharper, was presumably prejudiced in favour of the Philosophers. However, he had the reputation of being addicted to fair play.

"The side that's pulled down," said he, "clears out, and goes somewhere else; and the side that wins I'll photograph in a group."

It was a tremendous prize to offer, and served to stimulate both teams to the uttermost. We had a rope with us which easily stretched across the dell, and admitted the twenty pairs of hands on either side to grasp it. Tempest carefully saw that neither side started with the least advantage, and waited till we were all ready before giving the signal.

A tug of war in which each side is ranged up the steep slope of a hollow is very different work from a tug on the level, as we soon found out.

Indeed, as soon as the rope was stretched, those lowest down were hanging on to it by their finger tips, while those higher up were obliged to sit down to get within anything like reach. Under these circ.u.mstances the contest was short and sharp, and ended in a draw. For each side lost its footing the moment the strain was applied, and almost before Tempest had given the signal, the whole forty of us were sprawling in a confused heap on the gra.s.sy floor of the Bottom.

This abortive contest had the effect (which probably Tempest intended) of smoothing over, to some extent, the angry dispute which was on foot, and which was still further allayed by his undertaking to take a monster joint photograph of the two clubs, provided we stood or sat still for the process.

After that, he good-naturedly remained at our invitation, to officiate as judge in some impromptu sports, in which, once again, the rival parties proved most evenly matched. Finally, as evening was drawing on, he consented just to witness a hurried display of our joint fireworks, after which, he told us, we must at once take to our boats and repair home.

It was an imposing display. Twelve Roman candles were set up at regular distances round the hollow, with a fellow in charge of each. Two rockets were set in position, one on either side, and green and red lights alternately were planted on the banks above. At a given signal from Tempest, all were simultaneously lit, and in a perfect blaze of glory, accompanied by a babel of cheers, we concluded our programme.

At least, not quite. One unrehea.r.s.ed incident was yet to come. For, as the smoke cleared off and the noise ceased, and our eyes once more grew accustomed to the twilight, we became aware of the presence of Mr Jarman, standing in our midst!

CHAPTER FOURTEEN.