Three Hours after Marriage Part 13

_Plot._ Vat tink you of an antediluvian knife, spoon, and fork, with the mark of Tubal Cain in Hebrew, dug out of the mine of Babylon?

_Foss._ Of what dimensions, I pray, Sir?

_Plot._ De spoon be bigger dan de modern ladle; de fork, like de great fire-fork; and de knife, like de cleaver.

_Foss._ Bless me! this shows the stature and magnitude of those antidiluvians!

_Plot._ To make you convinced that I tell not de lie, dey are in de Turkey ship at Vapping, just going to be disposed of. Me would go there vid you, but de businss vil not let me.

_Foss._ An extraordinary man this! I'll examine him further. [_Aside._]

How could your country lose so great a man as you?

_Plot._ Dat be de secret. But because me vil have de fair correspondence with de ill.u.s.trious doctor Fossile, me vil not deny dat Orpheus and me had near run de same fate for different reason. I was hunted out of my country by de general insurrection of de women.

_Foss._ How so pray?

_Plot._ Because me have prepare a certain liquor which discover whether a woman be a virgin or no.

_Foss._ A curious discovery! have you any of it still?

_Plot._ Dere it is, Sir. It be commonly called de _Lapis Lydius Virginitatis_, or touch-stone of virginity.

[_gives him a vial._

_Foss._ It has the smell of your common hart's-horn. But all your volatile spirits have a near resemblance.

_Plot._ Right, Sir. De distillation be made from the _Hippomanes_ of a young mare. When a deflower'd virgin take ten drops, she will faint and sneeze, and de large red spot appear on the cheek; which we call de spot of infamy. All de young bridegroom make de experiment. De archbishop did make obligation to de nun to take it every ninth month.

And I fly for the hurlyburly it make.

Enter HUGH.

_Hugh._ Sir here is a patient in a chair.

_Foss._ Doctor Lubomirski, let me conduct you into my study, where we will farther discuss the wonderful virtues of this liquor. Tell the patient I will attend him this instant.

[_Exeunt Plotwell and Fossile._

Enter UNDERPLOT in a chair like a sick man.

_Hugh._ The doctor will wait upon you immediately.

[_Exit Hugh._

_Underp._ I dogg'd Plotwell to this door in a doctor's habit. If he has admittance as a doctor, why not I as a patient? Now for a lucky decision of our wager! If I can't succeed myself, I will at least spoil his intrigue.

Enter FOSSILE.

_Underp._ Ah! ah! have you no place? Ah! where can I repose a little? I was taken suddenly. Ah! ah! 'tis happy I was so near the house of an eminent physician.

_Foss._ Rest yourself upon that couch.

_Underp._ If I lay a few minutes cover'd up warm in a bed, I believe I might recover.

[_Fossile feels his pulse. Plotwell peeps._

_Plot._ Underplot in disguise! I'll be his doctor, and cure him of these frolicks.

[_aside._

_Foss._ What are your symptoms, Sir? a very tempestuous pulse, I profess!

_Underp._ Violent head-ach, ah! ah!

_Foss._ All this proceeds from the fumes of the kitchen, the stomachic digester wants reparation for the better concoction of your aliment: But, Sir, is your pain pungitive, tensive, gravitive, or pulsatory?

_Plot._ All together, ah!

_Foss._ Impossible Sir; but I have an eminent physician now in the house, he shall consult. Doctor Lubomirski, here is a person in a most violent cephalalgy, a terrible case!

Enter PLOTWELL.

_Foss._ Feel his pulse. [_Plotwell feels it._] You feel it, Sir, strong, hard and labouring.

_Plot._ Great plenitude, Sir.

_Foss._ Feel his belly, Sir; a great tension and heat of the abdomen--A hearty man, his muscles are torose; how soon are the strongest humbled by diseases! let us retire, and consult.

Enter SARSNET in haste.

_Sars._ My mistress approves your design, bear it out bravely, perhaps I shall have a sudden opportunity of conveying you into her bed-chamber, counterfeit a fainting fit and rely upon me.

[_Exit._

_Underp._ As yet I find I am undiscover'd by Plotwell; neither is his intrigue in such forwardness as mine, though he made a fair push for it before me.

[_aside._

[_Fossile and Plotwell come forward._

_Foss._ I am entirely for a glister.

_Plot._ My opinion is for de strong vomit.