The Works of Henry Fielding Part 36

_Trap_. No, sir, it is not; but suppose it was, might she not have taken an afternoon's nap?

_Sneer_. Ay, or dreamt waking, as several people do.

_Enter_ Lord PLACE _and_ Col. PROMISE.

_Place_. Madam, I am come to take my leave of you; I am very sensible of my many obligations to you, and shall remember them till the next election, when I will wait on you again; nay, I don't question but we shall carry our point yet, though they have given us the trouble of a pet.i.tion.

_Mrs M_. No, no, my lord, you are not yet reduced to that; I have prevailed on my husband to return you and the colonel.

_Place_. To return us, madam?

_Mrs M_. Yes, my lord, as duly elected; and when we have returned you so, it will be your own fault if you don't prove yourself so.

_Place_. Madam, this news has so transported my spirits, that I fear some ill effect unless you instantly give me a dram.

_Mrs M_. If your lordship please to walk with me into my closet, I'll equip your lordship. [_Exit_.

_Trap_. How do you like that dram, sir?

_Sneer_. Oh! most excellent!

_Fust_. I can't say so, unless I tasted it.

_Trap_. Faith, sir, if it had not been for that dram my play had been at an end.

_Fust_. The devil take the dram with all my heart!

_Trap_. Now, Mr Fustian, the plot, which has. .h.i.therto been only carried on by hints, and opened itself like the infant spring by small and imperceptible degrees to the audience, will display itself like a ripe matron, in its full summer's bloom; and cannot, I think, fail with its attractive charms, like a loadstone, to catch the admiration of every one like a trap, and raise an applause like thunder, till it makes the whole house like a hurricane. I must desire a strict silence through this whole scene. Colonel, stand you still on this side of the stage; and, miss, do you stand on the opposite.--There, now look at each other. A long silence here.

_Fust_. Pray, Mr Trapwit, is n.o.body ever to speak again?

_Trap_. Oh! the devil! You have interrupted the scene; after all my precautions the scene's destroyed; the best scene of silence that ever was penned by man. Come, come, you may speak now; you may speak as fast as you please.

_Col_. Madam, the army is very much obliged to you for the zeal you shew for it; me, it has made your slave for ever; nor can I ever think of being happy unless you consent to marry me.

_Miss M_. Ha! and can you be so generous to forgive all my ill usage of you?

_Fust_. What ill usage, Mr Trapwit? For, if I mistake not, this is the first time these lovers spoke to one another.

_Trap_. What ill usage, sir? a great deal, sir.

_Fust_. When, sir? where, sir?

_Trap_. Why, behind the scenes, sir. What, would you have everything brought upon the stage? I intend to bring ours to the dignity of the French stage; and I have Horace's advice on my side. We have many things both said and done in our comedies which might be better performed behind the scenes: the French, you know, banish all cruelty from their stage; and I don't see why we should bring on a lady in ours practising all manner of cruelty upon her lover: besides, sir, we do not only produce it, but encourage it; for I could name you some comedies, if I would, where a woman is brought in for four acts together, behaving to a worthy man in a manner for which she almost deserves to be hanged; and in the fifth, forsooth, she is rewarded with him for a husband: now, sir, as I know this. .h.i.ts some tastes, and am willing to oblige all, I have given every lady a lat.i.tude of thinking mine has behaved in whatever manner she would have her.

_Sneer_. Well said, my little Trap! but pray let us have the scene.

_Trap_. Go on, miss, if you please.

_Miss M_. I have struggled with myself to put you to so many trials of your constancy; nay, perhaps have indulged myself a little too far in the innocent liberties of abusing you, tormenting you, coquetting, lying, and jilting; which as you are so good to forgive, I do faithfully promise to make you all the amends in my power, by making you a good wife.

_Trap_. That single promise, sir, is more than any of my brother authors had ever the grace to put into the mouth of any of their fine ladies yet; so that the hero of a comedy is left in a much worse condition than the villain of a tragedy, and I would choose rather to be hanged with the one than married with the other.

_Sneer_. Faith, Trapwit, without a jest, thou art in the right on't.

_Fust_. Go on, go on, dear sir, go on.

_Col_. And can you be so generous, so great, so good? Oh! load not thus my heart with obligations, lest it sink beneath its burden!

Oh! could I live a hundred thousand years, I never could repay the bounty of that last speech! Oh! my paradise!

Eternal honey drops from off your tongue!

And when you spoke, then Farinelli sung!

_Trap_. Open your arms, miss, if you please; remember you are no coquet now: how pretty this looks! don't it? [_Mimicking her_]

Let me have one of your best embraces, I desire: do it once more, pray--There, there, that's pretty well; you must practise this behind the scenes.

[_Exeunt_ Miss M. _and_ Col.]

_Sneer_. Are they gone to practice, now, Mr Trapwit?

_Trap_. You're a joker, Mr Sneerwell; you're a joker.

_Enter_ Lord PLACE, Mayor, _and_ Mrs Mayoress.

_Place_. I return you my hearty thanks, Mr Mayor, for this return! and in return of the favour, I will certainly do you a very good turn very shortly.

_Fust_. I wish the audience don't do you an ill turn, Mr Trapwit, for that last speech.

_Sneer_. Yes, faith, I think I would cut out a turn or two.

_Trap_. Sir, I'll sooner cut off an ear or two: sir, that's the very best thing in the whole play. Come, enter the colonel and Miss ------ married.

_Sneer_. Upon my word, they have been very expeditious.

_Trap_. Yes, sir; the parson understands his business, he has plyed several years at the Fleet.

_Enter_ Col. PROMISE and Miss Mayoress.

_Col. and Miss (kneeling)_. Sir, and madam, your blessing.

_Mrs M_. and May. Ha!

_Col_. Your daughter, sir and madam, has made me the happiest of mankind.

_Mrs M_. Colonel, you know you might have had my consent; why did you choose to marry without it? However, I give you both my blessing.