The Works of Henry Fielding Part 35

_Promp_. Sir, the player who is to begin it is just stepped aside on some business; he begs you would stay a few minutes for him.

_Trap_. Come, Fustian, you and I will step into the green-room, and chat with the actresses meanwhile.

_Fust_. But don't you think these girls improper persons to talk of parties?

_Trap_. Sir, I a.s.sure you it is not out of nature: and I have often heard these affairs canvast by men who had not one whit more understanding than these girls.

[_Exeunt_.

ACT III.

SCENE I.--Enter TRAPWIT, FUSTIAN, and SNEERWELL.

_Trap_. Fie upon't, fie upon't! make no excuses.

_Sneer_. Consider, sir, I am my own enemy.

_Trap_. I do consider that you might have past your time, perhaps, here as well as in another place.

_Sneer_. But I hope I have not transgressed much.

_Trap_. All's over, sir, all's over; you might as well have stayed away entirely; the fifth act's beginning, and the plot's at an end.

_Sneer_. What!'s the plot at an end before the fifth act is begun?

_Trap_. No, no, no, no, I don't mean at an end;

but we are so far advanced in it that it will be impossible for you to comprehend or understand anything of it.

_Fust_. You have too mean an opinion of Mr Sneerwell's capacity; I'll engage he shall understand as much of it as I, who have heard the other four.

_Trap_. Sir, I can't help your want of understanding or apprehension; 'tis not my fault if you cannot take a hint, sir: would you have a catastrophe in every act? Oons and the devil! have not I promised you you should know all by and by? but you are so impatient!

_Fust_. I think you have no reason to complain of my want of patience. Mr Sneerwell, be easy; 'tis but one short act before my tragedy begins; and that I hope will make you amends for what you are to undergo before it. Trapwit, I wish you would begin.

_Trap_. I wish so too. Come, prompter! are the members in their chairs?

_Promp_. Yes, sir.

_Trap_. Then carry them over the stage: but, hold, hold, hold!

where is the woman to strew the flowers? [_The members are carried over the stage_.] Halloo, mob, halloo, halloo! Oons, Mr Prompter!

you must get more mob to halloo, or these gentlemen will never be believed to have had the majority.

_Promp_. Sir, I can get no more mob; all the rest of the mob are gone to St James's-park to see the show.

_Sneer_. Pray, Mr Trapwit, who are these gentlemen in the chairs?

_Trap_. Ay, sir, this is your staying away so long; if you had been here the first four acts you would have known who they were.

_Fust_. Dear Sneerwell, ask him no more questions; if you enquire into every absurdity you see we shall have no tragedy to-day.

_Trap_. Come, Mr Mayor and Mrs Mayoress.

_Enter_ Mayor _and_ Mrs Mayoress.

_May_. So, now you have undone yourself your own way; you have made me vote against my conscience and interest too, and now I have lost both parties.

_Mrs M_. How have you lost both parties?

_May_. Why, my lord will never remember my voting for him, now he has lost the day; and Sir Harry, who has won it, will never forgive my voting against him: let which side will be uppermost, I shall have no place till the next election.

_Mrs M_. It will be your own fault then, sir; for you have it now in your power to oblige my lord more than ever; go and return my lord and the colonel as duly elected, and I warrant you I do your business with him yet.

_May_. Return 'em, my dear? Why, there was a majority of two or three score against 'em.

_Mrs M_. A fig for a majority of two or three score! if there had been a majority of as many hundreds, you'll never be called to an account for returning them; and when you have returned 'em, you'll have done all in your power. How can you expect that great men should do anything to serve you if you stick at anything to serve them?

_May_. My conscience boggles at this thing--but yet it is impossible I should ever get anything by the other side.

_Mrs M_. Ay, let that satisfy your conscience, that it is the only way to get anything.

_May_. Truly, I think it is.

_Sneer_. I think, Mr Trapwit, interest would be a better word there than conscience.

_Trap_. Ay, interest or conscience, they are words of the same meaning; but I think conscience rather politer of the two, and most used at court.

_Mrs M_. Besides, it will do a service to your town, for half of them must be carried to London at the candidates' expence; and I dare swear there is not one of them, whatever side he votes of, but would be glad to put the candidate to as much expence as he can in an honest way. [_Exit_ Mayor.

_Enter_ Miss Mayoress, _crying_.

_Miss M_. Oh, mama, I have grieved myself to death at the court party's losing the day; for if the others should have a majority in the house, what would become of us? alas, we should not go to London!

_Mrs M_. Dry up your tears, my dear, all will be well; your father shall return my lord and the colonel, and we shall have a controverted election, and we will go to London, my dear.

_Miss M_. Shall we go to London? then I am easy; but if we had staid here I should have broke my heart for the love of my country.--Since my father returns them, I hope justice will find some friends above, where people have sense enough to know the right side from the left; however, happen what will, there is some consolation in going to London.

_Mrs M_. But I hope you have considered well what my lord told you, that you will not scruple going into keeping: perhaps, you will have it in your power to serve your family, and it would be a great sin not to do all you can for your family.

_Miss M_. I have dreamt of nothing but coaches and six, and b.a.l.l.s, and treats, and shows, and masquerades ever since.

_Fust_. Dreamt, sir? why, I thought the time of your comedy had been confined to the same day, Mr Trapwit?