The Works of Aphra Behn Volume I Part 42

_Blunt._ Nature!-- why any of your Tricks would serve-- but if he could be conveniently strip'd and beaten, or tost in a Blanket, or any such trivial Business, thou wouldst do me a singular Kindness; as for Robbery he defies the Devil: an empty Pocket is an Antidote against that Ill.

_Luc._ Your Money, Sir: and if he be not cozen'd, say a _Spanish_ Woman has neither Wit nor Invention upon Occasion.

_Blunt._ Sheartlikins, how I shall love and honour thee for't-- here's earnest-- [Talks to her with Joy and Grimace.

_Aria._ But who was that you entertain'd at Church but now?

_Will._ Faith, one, who for her Beauty merits that glorious t.i.tle she wears, it was-- a Wh.o.r.e, Child.

_Aria._ That's but a scurvy Name; yet, if I'm not mistaken in those false Eyes of yours, they look with longing Love upon that-- Wh.o.r.e, Child.

_Will._ Thou are i'th' right, and by this hand, my Soul was full as wishing as my Eyes: but a Pox on't, you Women have all a certain Jargon, or Gibberish, peculiar to your selves; of Value, Rate, Present, Interest, Settlement, Advantage, Price, Maintenance, and the Devil and all of Fopperies, which in plain Terms signify ready Money, by way of Fine before Entrance; so that an honest well-meaning Merchant of Love finds no Credit amongst ye, without his Bill of Lading.

_Aria._ We are not all so cruel-- but the Devil on't is, your good-natur'd Heart is likely accompanied with an ill Face and worse Wit.

_Will._ Faith, Child, a ready Dish when a Man's Stomach is up, is better than a tedious Feast. I never saw any Man yet cut my piece; some are for Beauty, some are for Wit, and some for the Secret, but I for all, so it be in a kind Girl: and for Wit in Woman, so she say pretty fond things, we understand; tho true or false, no matter.

_Aria._ Give the Devil his due, you are a very conscientious Lover: I love a Man that scorns to impose dull Truth and Constancy on a Mistress.

_Will._ Constancy, that current Coin with Fools! No, Child, Heaven keep that Curse from our Doors.

_Aria._ Hang it, it loses Time and Profit, new Lovers have new Vows and new Presents, whilst the old feed upon a dull repet.i.tion of what they did when they were Lovers; 'tis like eating the cold Meat ones self, after having given a Friend a Feast.

_Will._ Yes, that's the thrifty Food for the Family when the Guests are gone. Faith, Child, thou hast made a neat and a hearty Speech: But prithee, my Dear, for the future, leave out that same Profit and Present, for I have a natural Aversion to hard words; and for matter of quick Dispatch in the Business-- give me thy Hand, Child-- let us but start fair, and if thou outstripst me, thou'rt a nimble Racer.

[_Lucia_ sees _Shift_.

_Luc._ Oh, Madam, let's be gone: yonder's Lieutenant Shift, who, if he sees us, will certainly give an Account of it to Mr. Beaumond. Let's get in thro the Garden, I have the Key.

_Aria._ Here's Company coming, and for several reasons I would not be seen.

[Offers to go.

_Will._ Gad, Child, nor I; Reputation is tender-- therefore prithee let's retire.

[Offers to go with her.

_Aria._ You must not stir a step.

_Will._ Not stir! no Magick Circle can detain me if you go.

_Aria._ Follow me then at a distance, and observe where I enter; and at night (if your Pa.s.sion lasts so long) return, and you shall find Admittance into the Garden.

[Speaking hastily.

[He runs out after her.

Enter _Shift_.

_Shift._ Well, Sir, the Mountebank's come, and just going to begin in the Piazza; I have order'd Matters, that you shall have a Sight of the Monsters, and leave to court 'em, and when won, to give the Guardian a fourth part of the Portions.

_Blunt._ Good: But Mum-- here's the Captain, who must by no means know our good Fortune, till he see us in State.

Enter _Willmore_, _Shift_ goes to him.

_Shift._ All things are ready, Sir, for our Design, the House prepar'd as you directed me, the Guardian wrought upon by the Persuasions of the two Monsters, to take a Lodging there, and try the Bath of Reformation: The Bank's preparing, and the Operators and Musick all ready, and the impatient Town flockt together to behold the Man of Wonders, and nothing wanting but your Donship and a proper Speech.

_Will._ 'Tis well, I'll go fit my self with a Dress, and think of a Speech the while: In the mean time, go you and amuse the gaping Fools that expect my coming.

[Goes out.

Enter _Fetherfool_ singing and dancing.

Feth. _Have you heard of a _Spanish_ Lady, How she woo'd an _English_ Man?_

_Blunt._ Why, how now, Fetherfool?

Feth. _Garments gay, and rich as may be, Deckt with Jewels, had she on._

_Blunt._ Why, how now, Justice, what run mad out of Dog-days?

Feth. _Of a comely Countenance and Grace is she, A sweeter Creature in the World there could not be._

_Shift._ Why, what the Devil's the matter, Sir?

_Blunt._ Stark mad, 'dshartlikins.

Feth. _Of a Comely Countenance_-- well, Lieutenant, the most heroick and ill.u.s.trious Madona! Thou saw'st her, _Ned_: _And of a comely Counte-- _The most Magnetick Face-- well-- I knew the Charms of these Eyes of mine were not made in vain: I was design'd for great things, that's certain-- _And a sweeter Creature in the World there could not be._

[Singing.

_Blunt._ What then the two Lady Monsters are forgotten? the Design upon the Million of Money, the Coach and Six, and Patent for Right Worshipful, all drown'd in the Joy of this new Mistress?-- But well, Lieutenant, since he is so well provided for, you may put in with me for a Monster; such a Jest, and such a Sum, is not to be lost.

_Shift._ Nor shall not, or I have lost my Aim. [Aside.

_Feth._ [Putting off his Hat.] Your Pardons, good Gentlemen; and tho I perceive I shall have no great need for so trifling a Sum as a hundred thousand Pound, or so, yet a Bargain's a Bargain, Gentlemen.

_Blunt._ Nay,'dsheartlikins, the Lieutenant scorns to do a foul thing, d'ye see, but we would not have the Monsters slighted.

_Feth._ Slighted! no, Sir, I scorn your Words, I'd have ye to know, that I have as high a Respect for Madam Monster, as any Gentleman in Christendom, and so I desire she should understand.

_Blunt._ Why, this is that that's handsom.

_Shift._ Well, the Mountebank's come, Lodgings are taken at his House, and the Guardian prepar'd to receive you on the aforesaid Terms, and some fifty Pistoles to the Mountebank to stand your Friend, and the Business is done. Feth. Which shall be perform'd accordingly, I have it ready about me.

_Blunt._ And here's mine, put 'em together, and let's be speedy, lest some should bribe higher, and put in before us.

[_Feth._ takes the Money, and looks pitiful on't.

_Feth._ Tis a plaguy round Sum, _Ned_, pray G.o.d it turn to Account.

_Blunt._ Account, 'dsheartlikins, 'tis not in the Power of mortal Man to cozen 'me.

_Shift._ Oh fie, Sir, cozen you, Sir!-- well, you'll stay here and see the Mountebank, he's coming forth.