The Wisdom To Know The Difference Part 7

And now, more than twenty-five years down the road, I have received that gift a thousand times, all around the world. It has really been marvelous. Not painless, but marvelous and unexpected. I can't believe that I almost left before it happened. I am really glad that I stuck around. Really glad and grateful.

Here are a few things that occur to me, upon reflection: You might not be who you think you are. Right where you are is a great place to start. Let the world surprise you. Wonder what gifts might appear in the simplest acts and the humblest places. Never underestimate the power of a small act of kindness-offered or received. Take time to appreciate the richness of your own life, even (and maybe especially) in its tiniest forms.

Conversations That Are Prison Sentences To recap-some conversations are prisons: Hold stories about yourself lightly.

Let go of thinking about yourself and the others in your life as problems to be solved; learn to watch, wonder, and appreciate.

Practice watching, wondering, and appreciating And now, let's dig a little deeper into the kinds of conversations that you'll want to watch out for, the ones that are likely to cause you the greatest difficulty. People often get stuck inside certain kinds of conversations. We call these "prison conversations." We have prison conversations with one another all the time, and we have prison conversations with ourselves. Prison conversations have peculiar qualities that you can learn to watch out for. Just like actual prisons, you can get locked up in these conversations for years. In fact, life sentences are common. Any of these can be a sign of a prison conversation: It compares, evaluates, and judges (often dissimilar) things.

It's complex, busy, and confused.

It includes lots of "buts."

It's adversarial and posturing, and it involves taking sides.

It focuses strongly on the future or the past.

It tries very hard to solve a problem (even if the problem itself is not clear.) It tries to explain the "why" of something rather than just describing it.

It is very concerned with categories.

You've heard it all before; it sounds very well-rehea.r.s.ed.

Let's take a look at these in some closer detail.

Comparison and Evaluation: Prison conversations invariably compare things to one another, even when the things aren't very much alike. They make evaluations, and they judge things, saying this thing, person, situation, time, or place is better or worse than that other thing, person, situation, time, or place.

Complication, Busyness, and Confusion: Conversations can always be complicated, but you can count on prison conversations to be like virtual mazes for your mind to wander in, going every which way and doubling back over ground already covered. Be especially careful if you find yourself having internal conversations that include requirements that this or that problem needs to be solved before you can fully live your life:.

Why did this relationship not work out? Maybe I should have been more attentive. But then, it seemed like I was being attentive. And when I was particularly attentive, she seemed to get mad. But maybe it was the wrong kind of attentive. Maybe I was smothering her. I just never learned how to be with anyone. But how can I learn that if I can't keep a partner? Maybe she'll take me back and give me another chance. But even if she does, I don't know what to do differently. But if I don't try, it will never work. But I don't know what to do.

So the conversation goes, on and on. Sound familiar?

Statements That Include Lots of "Buts":This is a very sneaky prison conversation, since it promises that if you just take the correct turn, you will find your way out. When you're having a conversation in your head, try to listen for the "buts." We generally think of this as a throwaway word, but it really means something. When it comes up, it's negating whatever came before it until whatever comes after it gets resolved. It's kind of like a verbal demand that something needs to go away in order for something else to happen:

If I don't quit drinking, I'll lose my job and my husband will take the kids, BUT I don't know if I can just stop.

The thought I don't know how to quit has to go away before you can try to quit drinking. Your instinct here might be to try to argue away the right side of the sentence: Of course I can. I just need to stop! You can try to argue this way. Consider, though, whether the "but" here is actually something you need before you can proceed or if it's an excuse or a way of letting yourself off the hook for being unwilling to commit to quitting (more on commitment in chapter 7). It matters.

Fighting, Posturing, and Taking Sides: Prison conversations will often have an adversarial quality. You might find yourself waffling back and forth, blaming yourself and then blaming others for problems you've encountered.

Strong Future or Past Orientation: Prison conversations are usually littered with either warnings about the future or punishing statements about things that have happened in the past. Sometimes the warnings are only implicit. If you listen hard and ask the right sort of questions, you can hear the warning lurking behind what is said.

Just on the other side of "I can't look weak" is a warning about the future. Listen for words like "must," "should," "can't," and "have to," all of which point to the future. Listen and inquire for "have to's" and consequences.

Strong Problem-Solving Orientation: Like conversations with lots of "buts," the content of these conversations will present itself as a problem requiring resolution right now, before anything significant can move forward. You should be particularly suspicious of this when the "problem" being solved has been hanging around unsolved in your life for a very, very long time.

Strong Focus on What Something Means "about" You with Respect to Others: Prison conversations often focus on what something means about you in relationship to others in your life-or what others will think about you as a result of whatever you think are your problems. To check this, carefully listen to the stories you tell yourself: are you concerned with your problems themselves (I drink so much in the evenings that I oversleep my alarm and wake up late for work) or how others will judge you for those problems (When I oversleep and drag into work late, everybody thinks I'm just some old drunk)?

Explanation vs. Description: When you consider the circ.u.mstances of your life, do you think about them in concrete descriptions of events and experiences, or do you think about them in terms of explanations as to why these things occurred? For example, I pa.s.sed out drunk six nights out of the last seven as opposed to I got drunk because work was awful last week. I got drunk because I was fighting with my husband all week.

Categories vs. Specifics: Overgeneralization, black-and-white thinking, and catastrophizing are all examples of categorical thinking. When you're caught in this kind of prison conversation, you might describe specifics, but you likely roll them up quickly into categories: never, always, hopeless, unbearable. Once you create these categories, they'll become "problems" you'll need to solve.

The Familiar (aka The Old and Stinky): Have you heard this all before? Have you been telling yourself or others this same story for a long, long time? Here's a little trick: try recalling how you sounded when you were telling one of your old stories to someone else or how an old, familiar thought struck you as it rolled around in your head. Did it come out fast? Are there certain "pet phrases" you use to describe something? Chances are that if you have been telling this story for a while, there is something in it that you're holding onto pretty hard.

These are not all the kinds of prison conversations, but they are very common ones. It takes quite a bit of practice to be able to catch yourself in the act, but if you can learn to do it, you'll save yourself a lot of grief over the course of a lifetime. Here's an exercise to help you practice.

What's Wrong with Me?

First, take a moment and think about the thing you like least about yourself. Now, read the following statements-slowly, carefully, lingering over each. Read them aloud. See if you can notice some small (or maybe not small) seeds of some of your own prison conversations. As you speak each one, allow yourself to own it for a moment. Notice what shows up when you say it. What thoughts, memories, and bodily sensations come up? Notice how eager you are to move on to the next item or to skip this exercise altogether. Before you even begin, see if you don't have thoughts along the lines of Not right now, or Sure, I get the point, or I don't get the point. Notice if your mind is trying hard to get you to run the other way. Note that getting the point is not the point, though. Making contact, getting present, having the capacity to sit in hard places when sitting in hard places could make a difference-that's the point. So I invite you to do just that.

I am selfish. I act like I care about a lot of things, but really I don't.

I am needy. A lot of people don't really see it, but I live and die on their criticism and praise. I will do just about anything to get people to like me. I can't believe some of the things I have done.

I'm not really very smart. People think I am pretty smart, but really, I work very, very hard and just barely keep up with everyone else.

I am secretly jealous of others. I get mad when good things happen for other people. I never say anything to them, but sometimes I say things behind their backs.

I just have to have the last word. It has cost me a lot over the years, but I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut.

I am lazy. Mostly people don't notice, but when they aren't looking, I get almost nothing done. I am a lump.

I am a coward, a doormat. I let people walk all over me. I get mad, but I never say a word.

I am unlovable. I have had relationships, but eventually people get to see the real me, and they leave. Sometimes I'm hopeful, but really, I know that it's just a matter of time.

Deep down, there's something missing from me. I've never been sure what. I look around and other people seem fine. But me? It's like there's a hole.

I'm fragile.

I'm bossy.

I'm ugly.

I'm boring.

I'm mean.

I'm impatient.

What is it that's wrong with you? Pause and just spend a moment inside that question. What is wrong with you? Being weak means being shunned. Being stupid means being shunned. Being inadequate, boring, ugly, lazy, jealous, and so forth means...what? In the end, these all have implications for our current relationships, for the possibility of relationships, for the future of our relationships. And all we need to do is look at our past for that evidence.

If you are ready to run screaming from the room right now, welcome. We feel that way even writing this stuff. It rings our bells too! But hang in there with us. These seem so clearly to be problems in need of solving-what else could a person possibly do but problem solve? We think there is another way.

Finding the Prison Conversations in Your Own Life

Now that you've worked through our list above, here is a little worksheet you can use to make a list of the kinds of prison conversations you have in your own life. Take some time and think about each of the categories. Our bet is that, if you think carefully about each one, you'll figure out a way that it shows up in your life.

You might want to keep your list around someplace. If you find yourself struggling with a problem in the future, go over the list again to see if there might be some prison conversations in there that are tripping you up.

Your Strongest, Most Imprisoning Stories about You People carry stories about themselves. We're not really as interested in whether the stories are true or false as we are in how they work in your life.

Below are some possible stories. It's kind of like a chocolate sampler, except in this case, it's all right to nibble on one corner and, if it's not right for you, put it back in the box. Think about each of these imprisoning stories and whether they make an appearance in your life.

No one really understands me. All my life, no one quite got me. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.

No one really understands me, and when they begin to, they run. (This is sort of a variation on the above story.) No one really gets me. A few people have started to get close and when they get a peek at how I am, they run away.

No matter how hard I try, things always go bad. I have had times when I was doing well, and I've fooled myself into thinking that things had changed, but in the end I always end up in the same familiar hole.

Deep down there is something unlovable about me. I have really always known this, though at times I have been able to ignore it. The plain fact is that I am alone, and it makes perfect sense to me that I am that way and always will be.

I am not very smart. I can't tell you how many rooms I have sat in where I was clueless, where I had no idea what was going on. I nod and smile, and later I study up. I spend my days sure that at any moment I will be found out.

I am ugly/fat/disgusting. Who really could care about me? They see me coming a mile away. I am gross to look at, and because of that I never even get a chance. I don't get hired. I don't get invited. When they are choosing teams, I get picked last.

I am mean. I don't know what is wrong with me. I usually don't even see it until it is too late. I say things to people that hurt them terribly. Sometimes I see myself doing it, but it is like I am watching a movie and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Why? I ask myself. Why?

I am bad.

I am not enough.

I am unlovable.

I am lazy.

I am petty.

I am weak.

I am uncaring.

I have a big mouth.

I am a doormat.

I am too anxious.

I am too depressed.

I am defective.

I'm jealous.

I'm stuck.

I am clueless.

It's too late for me.

I don't fit.

I am too much.

Add your own story that fits even better.