The Visions of Quevedo Part 8

"No, no: speak, son of Olympias," said Lucifer to Alexander.

He began thus: "Alexander, son of Jupiter Amnion, lord of the world, most high and mighty emperor, conqueror of the habitable globe-"

Clytus laughed at the boasts: "what a lord! what an emperor! what a G.o.d!

Behold the t.i.tles which I dispute. In the first place, his mother was a virtuous woman. She but mocked her son, who, through pride, accused her with having committed adultery with Jupiter Amnion. Secondly, he was not lord of the world; since he did not conquer the tenth part of it: and thirdly, it is false that he is a great emperor; for an emperor is only enn.o.bled by heroic virtues and qualities, which he did not possess. And how is it possible that he should be the conqueror of the habitable globe, having never been neither to Africa, nor very far in Europe, nor to China? Thus he is only Alexander, as I am Clytus."

Here Lucifer pa.s.sed an order that this prince should only a.s.sume the t.i.tles that veritably pertained to him, and permitted Clytus to continue.

"I was," said Clytus, "the prime favourite of this Alexander, who, wishing to conquer every body, had no enemy nearer and more powerful than himself. Contemplate our portraits: I was his favourite, and I have always seen him as ambitious of distinction in wickedness as he was for honourable action: but as a foundation to my complaints against him, I ought to state, that this prince, elevated by his flatterers to a place among the G.o.ds, was accustomed to speak without respect of Philip his father. He showed himself more munificent towards gladiators, musicians, and drunkards, than towards his bravest captains. In conformity to this disposition, he gave the kingdom of Sidon to Abdolonymus, a well-digger; he committed numberless extravagances at the instigation of his mistresses; to please a courtesan named Roxana, he burnt the palace of the Persian kings; his conduct towards Parmenio, Philotas, and Calisthenes, as well as Aminthus, his relation, is sufficient proof of his barbarity. And did he not exhibit more than cruelty towards me? I was the most faithful of his confidants; he who flattered him the least; who gave him the best of counsel; to whom he owed his reputation and honour. Alas! because I had the presumption to speak my true sentiments at a feast, he arose from the table and inflicted upon me a mortal wound.

I now demand expiation. King of h.e.l.l, revenge Clytus, punish Alexander."

This prince then replied as follows:-"Favourites bear the same relation to sovereigns as mice to cats."

At this exordium Clytus began to laugh, and said: "Listen to a comparison worthy of the disciple of Aristotle."

"The mouse," continued Alexander, "seems at first to divert itself with the cat; but finally this animal, being more powerful, devours the mouse, who cannot accuse her with cruelty for wishing to take her turn in the sport. Such, about me, was the condition of Clytus: but to demonstrate the mistake of this ungrateful favourite, I aver, that it is the policy of princes to keep favourites, who are towards them neither forward nor haughty; and not to accord them too much power. The liberties they take with us cause us to fall into contempt; their hauteur makes us appear timid, and their power fills us with just suspicions. Clytus having thus taken advantage of me, I was frequently ashamed of his familiarities.

Such was his pride, that if I dared to contradict him in the least thing, he reared up like an unruly horse: my bounty had rendered him so powerful, that he was in fact Alexander, and I was but Clytus. In particular, he abused my mistresses, and the officers of my house; in counsel he was always right and I wrong; in every battle, it was he that was victorious, and I who had been slack and timid. If I put some to death, it was but consonant with justice, to punish the seditious or conspiring; if I burnt the palace of the kings of Persia, it was for the purpose of destroying a fortress that had been used against me; if the pleasures that were indulged in after my conquests were sometimes too free, it arose from a desire to gratify my generals; in fine, the death of Clytus crushed those treasonous designs of which I had notice. He only waited for an opportunity to set one part of my army against the other, and to despatch me. I sang at a feast the songs my soldiers had composed upon their officers and myself; I rallied Clytus for having, in a certain action, taken to flight: this madman let loose his rage upon me; he loaded me with contumely; the wine he had drank deprived him of reason: I thought it was time to punish his audacity, and to prevent the excesses to which it might carry him. Thus perished an usurping, traitorous, insolent and unworthy favourite. Lucifer, I have spoken the truth."

After having heard the parties, the king said to his demons, "Take notice how proper it is that a subject should be faithful and submissive to his prince; and that a favourite should not go beyond the respect he owes to his sovereign. _We do order_ that as long as Alexander shall be tormented by his ambition, Clytus shall experience all the remorse that springs from rashness and ingrat.i.tude."

At the same moment was heard the voice of Seneca, speaking to Nero: "Cruel prince, how have you profited by the lessons of clemency, goodness, and humanity I have given you? Did you not murder me to repossess yourself of the wealth I had received from you? Such was my recompense for having raised you to empire. Was it not I who saved you from the conspiracy formed by Piso, after you had set fire to all quarters of Rome? Was it not I who delivered you from the snares which had been spread for you by the friends of your mother Agrippina, whom you afterwards put to death? I was more careful of your reputation than yourself, when I advised you not to exhibit yourself as a comedian upon the theatre; when you entered the lists to dispute the prize of poetry with Lucan, whom you afterwards a.s.sa.s.sinated."

"Old fool," said Nero, in a slender voice, "thou wert become unworthy of my favours by thy excessive ambition, and by the dishonour you brought upon my palace. Great Lucifer, you see a man who, being my preceptor, did not profit by his own theory. He maintained a shameful commerce with my mother; and with a view to favour it, poisoned the Emperor Claudius, my father, who did not commit suicide, as was the prevalent opinion at Rome. The partiality of my mother filled him with such audacity, that he projected mounting the throne, and having me poisoned. I was informed of the intrigue, which I suspected before having received positive advice.

I observed that his immense wealth had obtained him very many friends among the senators, gentlemen, and officers of the army; and it is worth while, also, to know, that this man who preached so much about frugality, and the love of mediocrity, was far from practising these virtues, which are easily reported of a man possessing twelve millions of revenue.

After having punished the tyranny and usurpation of my mother, I was bound to punish the crimes of Seneca; but I was yet lenient enough to leave the manner of his death to his own choice."

"The subjects and favourites of princes," said Lucifer, "are always culpable, when they are ungrateful, or entertain any other desire than the prosperity of their masters: they ought to leave to them the recompense of their services, without attempting to reward themselves.

_We will_, then, that the philosopher, Seneca, born in Spain, should be punished as if he had compa.s.sed his designs upon Nero: and that Nero be treated as an unjust and barbarous prince."

"This ordinance," said Seja.n.u.s, "does not concern me: Tiberius caused me to be a.s.sa.s.sinated without reason, actuated by one of those suspicions to which he was usually addicted. He was troubled more by a fear of losing his life, than the empire. His courtezans had too much influence over him. As to myself, I have never punished any but the enemies of Tiberius: to be sure, they were also mine. But were not, in truth, the opposers of a minister who governed as well as I did, foes to their prince and country?"

Tiberius would have answered; but Lucifer, interrupting him, ordered that all the favourites of princes should come in. There appeared a vast number, among them Plautius, the favourite of Severus, was particularly remarkable: also Faustus, the favourite of Phyrrhus, king of Epirus; Pyreneus and Cleandrus, favourites of the emperor Commodus; Cincinnatus, favourite of Britulus; Rufus, favourite of Domitian; Amp.r.o.nisius, favourite of Adrian; Belisarius, favourite of Justinian.

"Listen," said Lucifer; "the favour of princes is like quick-silver, the motion of which cannot be arrested, and which flies the endeavour to restrain it. If one would sublimate it, it is a vapour that exhales itself; and often, if too much is used, it becomes dangerous. If one anoints with it, it penetrates to the very bones: those who are accustomed to draw it from the mine, and purify it, contract a malady which makes them tremble all their lives. This is the character of princes' favour: it is inconstant, because it depends upon the humour and pa.s.sion of one who seeks only novelty and the pleasure of the moment. If you are importunate, if you exhibit the least sign of impatience, if you are even suspected of prudence in the management of your credit or fortune, the attachment of the prince will cool. If you show any marks of envy against another, of discontent in yourself, or indifference in the presence of your protector, he suspects you, and pa.s.ses straightway from suspicion to enmity and hatred. Bear then with resignation your bad fortune and the humour of your master: your pains, attentions, time, health, wealth all lost, you are at length obliged to return into your humble retreat, there to expect death; which, to your grief, comes not soon enough to free you from regret and the remembrance of your follies.

A casual sally, an instant of good humor, a lucky word, a sudden caprice, a nothing, makes a favourite. Five or six years suffice for his fortune; if delayed, it escapes him. The same causes can bestow or withdraw favour. A favourite ought to make these reflections in his prosperity,-that he must abstain from those liberties that are common among equals, and that freedom which friends indulge in; that he must be constantly submissive, and know how to accompany respect with complaisance; that the prince ought always to speak the first word in a confidential affair; and to preserve his secrets, he must dispose himself to every kind of privation. He who hath not regulated his conduct by these precepts must bear the burden of his own imprudence; and for this reason _we order_ that those favourites who have incurred the displeasure of their sovereigns shall be punished as unfaithful subjects."

Lucifer then commanded an old man to advance, whom he perceived in the hall behind the others. There advanced then a man of a pleasant countenance, in a Greek habit, and followed by other persons clothed in the same manner.

"I am Solon," said this old man: "I gave to the Athenians laws which they did not exactly follow; this person contiguous to me is the philosopher Anaxarchus, whom the tyrant Nicocreon caused to be brayed in a mortar: in this little hump-back, behold the famous Aristotle, preceptor to the great Alexander: his philosophy excused the disciple from practising the morality he taught. This academician is Socrates, whom his fellow citizens put to death with a cup of hemlock. This old man is the divine Plato, who, spite of the sublimity of his doctrine, sold oil for the defrayment of his expenses. All the rest are men of letters, who, like ourselves, have excited the envy, and experienced the vengeance of the princes, Archons and Tyrants, of Athens; and it is now upon these tyrants we unitedly demand vengeance."

Then Denis, the tyrant, accompanied by some other princes, presented themselves and spoke in this manner:-"Of whom do these old dotards complain? Infatuated by their conceits, they pretended to dictate law to the whole world! In fact they had so imbued the people with their dogmas and their customs, that when we wished to make some changes, they excited sedition. They had so much pride and presumption, that they arrogated to themselves alone the possession of common sense and reason; while in truth they were distinguished but for opinions founded upon vain subtleties, and by a language not common and familiar to men:-and now I should like to ask them what certain knowledge they had; what was their idea upon the nature of the soul? and what const.i.tuted the reason and equity of their laws?"

"I will add to that," said Julian, the apostate, "that there are pedants, who, under the affectation of austerity, concealed the most extreme ambition. Do they complain of the contempt that was shown them, when their manner of living exposed them to it? Will they speak of their poverty, who would not labour for a living? The people of letters deceive themselves if they believe that princes and the public ought to enrich them for vain and useless sciences. Should they not make their calculation for that, when, idle in their cabinets, they amuse themselves in contemplating the figures and number of the stars, which they apply, to find fault with the common prejudices of our ancestors?"

"At least," observed Cato of Utica, "you cannot make those remarks with regard to Cicero, or myself, who have exercised the highest magistracies of Rome."

"Old fox," answered Julian, "I cannot, it is true, say so of you two; for if you were attached to letters, you were still more so to your fortunes.

And of whom can you complain, you who accelerated your own death? Did you not hope to gain an easy immortality in thus quitting your terrestrial abode? It was to arrive at this, that you did not wish to survive the pretended misfortunes of your country. Fine courage that, of a man who kills himself to escape fighting with his enemies! Would you not have done better to have preserved yourselves for the defence of Rome, its liberty, and your goods?"

"I recommend you," said Cato, "to the Antiochians: they will tell the truth of you better than I can: they know you; they are fully acquainted with your pusillanimity, your vices, but, above all, with your vanity, which surpa.s.ses your knowledge and eloquence. Look at this great emperor, who, to punish Antioch, quits the sword, a.s.sumes the pen, and is, after all, nothing but an ignoramus."

"I am called Suetonius," said he, who presented himself next.

"Yes, this is Suetonius," said the emperor Domitian, who was at his side; "this is that notorious forger, and compiler of histories and chronicles, who, after the example of other historians, being a partisan and a flatterer, speaks the truth from caprice, and lies from inclination."

"I!" said Suetonius; "I have said nothing that I cannot prove by indubitable evidence. Is it not true, that upon the testimony of vile informers, you have taken from the living, the estates of the dead who were accused? Is it not true that you have levied upon your subjects tributes so enormous, that they were forced to claim protection from a foreign power? Is it not true that you have despoiled the Jews of their goods only because they were born Jews? Is it then a crime to have been circ.u.mcised at birth and not to adore the G.o.ds of the Roman empire? Is it not true that by your excessive expenses for theatres, and buildings, you have exhausted the purses of the Romans, and left to perish with hunger the bravest soldiers of the army? To escape the consequences of a sedition, you committed horrible pillages, and thus paid your debts.

Your pride and impiety are exhibited in these few words, extracted from one of your declarations: '_Your Lord_, _your G.o.d_,' commands thus."

"What signifies that?" said Domitian: "Are not the emperors G.o.ds as well during their lives as after their death? Were not Augustus and Caesar adored in the empire? I was as much a G.o.d at the time I willed it, as my predecessors have been G.o.ds after their death. The divinity of men is nothing but a power superior to that of others, as the present divinity of Augustus is but a perfection above the virtues and qualities of living men. But who, among men of sense, has ever believed that the G.o.ds were like men? or adored in the statue any thing more than the virtue of the original? Who ever believed that the number of G.o.ds was equal to their names, their temples, or their statues? No, no, Suetonius, you did not believe all this, and it is from perfidiousness that you have accused me of impiety for being called a G.o.d."

"And your unjust vexations," replied Suetonius.

"As it regards that," said the emperor, "subjects who cannot penetrate the designs of their sovereigns always consider the tributes imposed upon them as unjust; but if enemies were about to inundate the kingdom; if the empire was menaced with approaching ruin; if there was danger of the pillage and sack of frontier cities, would not the prince have reason to take measures for the prevention of these disasters by a heavier levy, and a stronger a.s.semblage of troops? If I had apprized the Romans of these things, which I had learned by my spies, they would have been more likely to have risen against myself, than against the common enemy: so powerful is the voice of interest with the mult.i.tude!"

Here Lucifer interrupted the emperor and ordered all the historians, historiographers, authors of journals, of memoirs and chronicles, to advance, to listen to their sentence. "It is," said he, "for the public interest, that mendacity should be punished in writers, as in those who speak falsely; but it is of equal interest that writers should be permitted to speak the truth, without flattery and without fear, to the end, that men by reading the history of their ancestors, may learn to become good, and detest the conduct of the unjust. Although it is crime that brings us subjects, _we wish_, nevertheless, that it should be punished in our empire; and it is that which const.i.tutes the justice of the torments they feel. A prince flatters himself in vain with a fine and secret policy, if his subjects are rendered unhappy by the rules he has prescribed for their conduct; whatever colour he may take to cover his actions, and make them appear just, if they are not so in effect, which the event proves, he expects in vain the approbation, the esteem and love of his subjects. The writer who undertakes a history ought to divest himself of the sentiments of both love and hatred; he ought to have no partiality for country, relations or friends; he is the sole judge of the affairs of which he treats, and the master of princes when he describes their actions. Accordingly, _we ordain_, that Domitian and the other princes shall submit to the judgments of their historians; that the historians shall be punished for flatteries and lies; for the examination of which, we order them before the tribunals of conscience, to whom we delegate plenary authority for the decision of their cases; and as a judgment upon the geometricians, geographers, astronomers, and mathematicians, we condemn the one party to measure by minutes, seconds, and lines, the dimensions of all the provinces, kingdoms, and empires of the earth; and the others to be shut up in the planets upon which they have pretended to make observations, to the end that they may be instructed by their experience. Furthermore we decree, that afterwards, the aforesaid geometricians, geographers, astronomers, and mathematicians, to be there punished for their foolish and rash opinions."

The audience having now lasted a considerable time, Lucifer commanded something to eat to be brought into the middle of the hall. Forthwith there appeared a vast number of chirurgians, cooks of h.e.l.l, with an almost equal number of apothecaries, having the t.i.tle of confectioners to the devil. They set forth a great table of gold, upon which they placed a vast quant.i.ty of silver plate: they informed me that this table and plate had been fabricated with the gold and silver stolen, and afterwards sold to the goldsmiths. I have never any where seen such a quant.i.ty of linen: it proceeded from the thefts committed by linen dealers and washer women; for all that is stolen upon earth, goes into h.e.l.l after the second or third generation of thieves. They served for the first course a heap of tailors roasted upon the spit. Lucifer is very fond of this meal; and the expression, "_may the devil swallow me_," which the tailors often use, is not inappropriate; for he does swallow many; and the demons, his table companions, do the same: the subjects always having tastes similar to those of their masters, be they good or bad. I inquired of one of the demons, why his infernal majesty devoured more tailors than cooks, sausage makers, butchers, peruquiers, in short, people of other trades.

"It is," said he, "for a very politic reason; for otherwise he would soon want subjects of any other description; those of other trades are by far the least in number, while the others are so plenty, that if we could eat them all in one day, the morrow would supply as many more: they arrive continually, in one eternal troop. Sometimes in beholding them afar off, we imagine them to be entire armies, coming to besiege us: this trade is more useful in h.e.l.l, than you would be apt to think: we send among the tailors, young devils without experience: their shops are so many academies for our youth. If you had nice eyes, you might perceive more than fifty young demons in each tailor shop; some cut the cloth; others the list; these take away the superfluous pieces; those put them in the place they call the _street_; while some do nothing but open and shut the place they call the _eye_. Some carry the cabbaged pieces to sell; others make complete suits out of the patterns cut from the cloth; in fine, there are many about the women, girls, and valets of the tailor, to a.s.sist them in stealing the cloth, or stretching the binding. When these young devils have finished their diabolical apprenticeship, they are sent to the merchants. In that station they abridge all the measures, and sometimes throw themselves into the scale, among the merchandise, to make it weigh more: if you could see all their tricks, you would be highly amused."

When this course was removed from the table, they served another of tailors, roasted upon the gridiron: after that, others, baked in pates, smothered in a pot, fried in a pan, and dressed in a hundred different ways, with this only difference, that those of each nation had a particular dressing. The French tailors were spitted; the English, grilled; the Holland, fried; the Germans, smothered in a pot; the Italians, made into ragout; the Spanish, boiled, because they are ordinarily hard; the Polonese, in pates; the Hungarians, salad; the Turks, cooked in rice; the Greeks, in wine; the Arabians, dried in the sun; the Egyptians, with onion sauce; the Algerines, fried in lard; the Portuguese, preserved in sugar; the Danish, Swedish, and Muscovite, were almost all dressed in the same manner; that is to say, baked in brandy; the Tartar, boiled in horse grease; the Persian, fricaseed with gravy _de demon_; the Indians, baked in bananas; the Chinese, and all the islanders, were very much seasoned with spices and sugar; the Ethiopians, negroes of Fez, Morocco, and Guinea, were baked in black b.u.t.ter; and the Americans, in milk.

"What an immense quant.i.ty of tailors," said I to the demon who was near me; "your cooks must understand their business, to be able to compound so many dishes of viands, which differ no more the one from the other, than the bullocks of Spain from those of Ireland."

They served to Lucifer wine of the various publicans of the world.

"Fie!" said I to the demon; "your master is hardly a connoisseur of wine."

"You are mistaken," said he; "it is true, that this wine has been mixed with water, sugar, and spices; but the publicans are obliged to separate all these drugs, even the water which they ordinarily put in, from the rest, which remains pure, fair and clear; if the publicans did not do this, they would put them in the press, and draw from their veins all the wine they had themselves drank."

"How!" said I, "do you live upon nothing but human flesh?"

"How should we live else?" answered he. "Can we eat beef, mutton, partridges, fish, and beans? These animals come not hither, but in smoke; and herbs will not grow in a place so hot."

"How can you say that animals come here in smoke?"

"It is those the idolaters sacrifice to the prince of demons: this smoke penetrates even to this place, and is the only perfume agreeable to our sovereign; for as to the scented oils, powders, and pomatums, of which the men and women of the other life make use, Lucifer is so incommoded, that those who are thus scented, dare not approach his apartment."

"Egad!" said I, "Lucifer has then a smell keener than that of a hound."

"Yes: he has so fine a scent, that he instantly knows whether a girl has been cautious or not; whether she has been married, or not, and the exact number of times: and the other day there came here a _menette_, who made a profession of _menettisme_, wearing the habits, air, _et cetera_: she wanted to make every thing appear smooth, saying, that she had been sent here for having administered to herself the discipline, contrary to the direction of her directors: but the prince approaching her, perceived, and said immediately, that this habit, modest as it was, covered much indevotion, sacrilege, gallantry, and falsehood. The young girl retired abashed; she had not imagined that any person could discover, under the exterior of such simplicity, what she had been guilty of, during her life; you see Lucifer has an exquisite nose."

"If he has," said I, "the other senses in a similar perfection, he well merits the commandery of h.e.l.l."

In the mean time, Lucifer, and the other lords, invited to his table, continued to eat with good appet.i.te: besides the individuals of his council, there were a great number whom I heard designated by the names given to the G.o.ds of fable, such as Jupiter, Saturn, Apollo, Mercury: and to G.o.ddesses, such as Juno, Venus, Diana, Proserpina, and others; I should think there were at least fifty persons at table. These G.o.ds and G.o.ddesses were men and women, like the others; and in reflecting upon that circ.u.mstance, I thought they were princesses and princes, whom the people had put in the place of G.o.ds. But these ignorant people deceive themselves; for their G.o.ds, instead of being in heaven, are in h.e.l.l. The same thing often happens in the world; a particular person is looked upon as a man of honour, who is, in fact, worse than one whom they consider the most knavish; another as a good man, who, in truth, is one of the worst; they frequently speak of one as happy after death, whose lot, if they did but know it, is quite the contrary: this is the sentiment of saint Pere, who said, "they peopled heaven with the inhabitants of h.e.l.l."

The dessert served up to this great demon, was very pleasant to behold: it consisted of hypocrites, bigots, and apostate monks, all preserved in sugar: in the middle of it was a country seat in sugar: one could perceive the chateau, with its fosses, garden, park, wood, closes, vineyards, fish-ponds, fountains, jets of water, mill, stables, and farms; the whole being executed in the most perfect symmetry of architecture.

The demon observing my surprise, told me, the devil usually devoured goods unjustly acquired: "have you not," said he, "heard it remarked, that property illy gotten, failed not _to go to the devil_? It comes to us; for be it known to you, that what is lost in the world, falls down here. You can find in our magazines things of every description: the entire shops of merchants, stores of grain and wine, tons of silver, an a.r.s.enal filled with arms, cabinets of jewellery and precious stones, tablets covered with antique medals, a kind of pantheon, filled with idols of gold, silver, and bronze, which you have no doubt seen at the houses of antiquaries: for the fruits of larcenies, spunging, and usury, always come straight to us."