The Tithe-Proctor Part 15

"Live here!--why, you scoundrel, don't you know he does? Where else did he ever live?"

"Ay, but you are only answerin' one question by another," replied Hourigan; "and I'll sarve you wid another to-morrow if you don't speak the truth."

"John," shouted his brother, "you're wanted. Here is your old friend Hourigan, anxious to get another--ha! ha! ha!--he is off like a shot!"

he proceeded, addressing his brother, as the latter entered the hall; "but in the meantime," he added, handing him the summons, "this doc.u.ment is intended for you."

"Well," observed John, laughing, "unless our friend O'Driscol is somewhat change"! I need not much fear Mr. Hourigan."

"He is changed," observed the proctor; "the fellow is beginning to run with the hare and hunt with the hounds. If you wish to secure his favor, however, you ought to try and put him on the trail of a Conspiracy, or anything that will give him a tolerable justification for writing to his Friend the Castle, as he calls it! He is a regular conspiracy hunter, and were it not that he is now awfully afraid of these Whiteboys, and naturally cowardly and easily frightened, I think he would be the plague of government as well as the country."

It would indeed, be extremely difficult to find a family so resolute and full of natural courage, and consequently so incapable of intimidation, as that of our friend the proctor. And what was equally striking, the female portion of them were as free from the weakness and timidity of their s.e.x, in this respect, as the males.

CHAPTER VII.--A Shoneen Magistrate Distributing Justice.

On the morning but one afterwards, John Purcel proceeded to the house of his friend and neighbor, Fitzy O'Driscol, as he was usually termed for brevity. O'Driscol was rather a small man--that is to say, he was short but thick, and of full habit. He was naturally well made, and had been considered well-looking, until his complexion became a good deal inflamed from the effects of social indulgence, to which he was rather strongly addicted. His natural manner would have been plausible if he had allowed it to remain natural; but so far from this, he affected an air of pomp and dignity, that savored very strongly of the mock heroic.

On the other side, his clothes fitted him very well, and as he had a good leg and a neat small foot, he availed himself of every possible opportunity to show them. He was, like most men of weak minds, exceedingly fond of ornaments, on which account he had his fingers loaded with costly rings, and at least two or three folds of a large gold chain hung about his breast. His morning gown was quite a tasteful, and even an expensive article, and his slippers, heavily embroidered, harmonized admirably with the whole fashionable deshabille in which he often distributed justice. He carried a gold snuff-box of very ma.s.sive size, which, when dining out, he always produced after dinner for the benefit of the company, although he never took snuff himself. This, in addition to a tolerably stiff and unreclaimable brogue, and a style of p.r.o.nunciation wofully out of keeping with his elegant undress, const.i.tuted him the very beau-ideal of what is usually known as a _shoneen_ magistrate.

John, on arriving, found him reading a paper in the breakfast-parlor, and saw Hourigan waiting outside, who, by the way, gave him such a look as a cat might be supposed to bestow upon a mastiff from whom she dreaded an attack--a look which, in Hourigan's case, combined as much ferocious vengeance and sullen hang-dog cowardice as could well be brought together on the same features.

"Well, Jack," said the pompous distributor of justice, addressing young Purcel, "how do you do? Take a seat--by the way, is it true that your father and my excellent friend, Dr. Turbot, were shot at yesterday?"

"True enough," replied John; "the bullet whistled right between them, and so close that each felt the wind of it."

"The country is getting into a frightful state, friend Purcel, eh? Upon my honor now, yes! it is so--it is so."

"Why there is no question of it," replied John; "it is already in a frightful state."

"It is, Mr. Purcel, and in my opinion, the _crame_ of the matter will be blood--blood--my dear John--that is what it will come to."

"Certainly you speak, Mr. O'Driscol, like a man that knows the country, and can feel the pulse of the public officially--I mean, of course, as a magistrate--for it is now, and in times of such turbulence, that men--I mean magistrates--of your stamp--will prove themselves serviceable to the government of the country, and to the country itself; intelligent and determined men--I mean magistrates--who know not what fear is, and who will do their duty at the risk of their lives."

"True, John, it is such men, or rather magistrates, who can render the most important services to government. The duties of a loyal and attached magistrate are not a mere raycrayation during these times. And yet, John," he added, sinking his voice into a confidential whisper, "I protest to my honor that the life of a man--I mane, as you say, a magistrate--who resolves firmly to perform his duty, is not extramely safe; why then should a man--I mane a magistrate--unnecessarily expose himself to the fate of Going,* when he might much more safely remain snug and quiet, without putting either himself or his neighbors to inconvanience by an over-strict discharge of his duty?"

[* The name of a magistrate and clergyman, I think, who was a.s.sa.s.sinated.]

"If everything be true that I have heard," said John, "the government would scarcely expect to hear such sentiments from the intelligent and determined Mr. O'Driscol."

"Ha! ha! ha!--well done, John,--I drew you out. Upon my honor, I am glad to find that you are loyal, at all events, and that is a rare virtue among most persons of your creed;--excuse me, but, except in name, I can scarcely consider you as belonging to it.

"Why, sir," replied John, "I trust I am a firm, but not a bigoted Catholic."

"Roman Catholic, John, always say, if you plaise; we claim to be the true Catholics you know; and for that raison it is better always to avoid confusion."

"As to that, we shall not quarrel about it, I trust," replied Purcel; "but with respect to another point, there is only one opinion, Mr.

O'Driscol, and that is, that you are a most resolute and determined man."

"Magistrate you mane, I think, John; so magistrate, if you plaise--ha!

ha!' ha! By the way will you touch the bell? Thank you."

"I beg your pardon," proceeded Purcel, having touched the bell, "I should have said magistrate: because it very often happens that whilst the man is a coward, the magistrate is as brave as the Duke of Wellington."

"Upon my honor and conscience, there may be some truth in that," said O'Driscol, nodding, but at the same time not exactly appropriating the category to himself; "but how do you make that appear, John?"

"Why," replied Purcel, who, between ourselves, was a bit of a wag in his way, "it proceeds from the spirit of his office. Take a magistrate, for instance, as a man--a mere man; place him in the ordinary situations of society; let him ride home at night, for instance, through a disturbed district like this, which, if he is wise, he will avoid doing, or let him be seen in an isolated position even in daylight without protection, and you will find him a coward of the first shaking. On the contrary, place him, as a magistrate, at the head of a body of police or military, and where will you witness such courage? That, then, is the individual, I say, who being naturally a coward as a man, goes through his duty with courage as a magistrate; I say this is the individual whom the government should reward with especial favor."

"By the way, will you touch that bell again?--oh, here he comes. Sam,"

he said, addressing a servant, "get me up a bottle of soda-wather. Will you have a gla.s.s of soda, John? I dipped a little too deep last night."

"No, sir, thank you," replied Purcel, "I was moderate last night; and at all events soda is rather cold for such a day as this is."

"Well, then can't you stiffen it with a little brandy?"

"No, thank you, I won't touch anything at present. I almost wish, as I was saying," he proceeded, "that there was the slightest touch of cowardice in you, naturally; because if it could be proved in connection with your official intrepidity, you would deserve everything that a government could bestow upon you."

"Faith and honor, that is certainly putting the argument in an extremely new point of view, and I agree with you, John; that is--that--let me see--the more cowardly the man the braver the magistrate. Well, I don't know that aither."

"No, no!" replied John, "I don't mean that."

"Well, what do you mane? for I thought I undherstood you a while ago, although find that I don't now."

"I mean," proceeded the other, "that when a man who is naturally cowardly--I don't mean, of course, a poltroon, but timid--proves himself to be firm, resolute, and intrepid in the discharge of his duties as a magistrate, such a man deserves a civic crown."

"A what?"

"A civic crown. Of course you know what that is."

"Of coorse I do, John; and upon my honor and conscience there is great truth in what you say. I could name you a magistrate who, I believe, as a magistrate, could not very aisily be bate, and yet who, without being a downright coward, is for all that no hairo to his valley de sham, as they say."

"My father was talking about you last night, sir, and I think before long he will be able to put you on the scent of as pretty a conspiracy as was ever detected. He had some notion of opening a communication with government himself upon the subject; but I suggested--that is, I took the liberty, sir, if you will excuse me, but if I erred I a.s.sure you Mr.

O'Driscol, my intentions were good--I say I took the liberty, sir, of suggesting that it would be better to place the matter in your hands, as a person possessing more influence with your friend, the Castle, and more conversant with the management of a matter that is too important to be in any but official hands. I have time at the preset only to allude to it, for I see Mr. Darby Hourigan there waiting to prosecute, or as he says to take the law of, your humble servant."

"Hang the scoundrel, what a hurry he is in! How did you quarrel with him?"

"Faith, sir, in the first place, he was insolent and offensive beyond all patience."

"Yes, my dear John," observed O'Driscol, with a good deal of solemn pomp, especially as the magistrate was beginning to supersede the man, "all that is very provoking, but at the same time you know the horsewhip is an illaygal instrument."

"I beg your pardon, sir," replied Purcel, with a smile, "I believe not."

"I mane, John," said the other, "an improper use of it is. You should be more cautious, John, in using it, for the punishment of any animal barring a horse. I have heard, by the way, many complaints against you on that head."

"Yes, sir, but you are not aware that it is from a principle of humanity I horsewhip the scoundrels."

"How is that now, John? for upon my honor and conscience I can't for the life of me persave any great humanity in it."