The Ten Pleasures of Marriage Part 15

And when the Summer is past, that there are no fruits either in Orchards or Fields; then their whole delight and recreation is to commit insolencies in the Streets of the City by night; and if they can but any waies put an affront upon the Watch; that is laught at, and esteemed to be an heroick act.

It hapned lately, that some Students walking out of Town, saw a little boy in the Fields, that was holding the cord of an indifferent Kite, which was in the Air, in his hand; they laughing at him, said, The Kite is bigger than the Boy; come let us ty the cord about the Boy, then they will not lose one another. And immediately catching hold of the Boy, they forced the cord from him, and bound it fast about his middle in a great many knots, then went their way.

Whilest the Boy was very busie and indeavouring to unty the knots, the Wind grew high, insomuch that the Boy used all his strength to hold back the cord; but his strength failing him, he was with a furious blast s.n.a.t.c.ht up by the Kite from the ground, and presently after let fall again into a pretty deep ditch, where the poor innocent Boy was unhappily drowned.

It would be sempiternal for us here to make a relation of all the petulancy and wickedness of Students, whereof these and other Parents, each in their particular, are miserably sensible of. For every one acts his own part, but it tends altogether unto wickedness, lavishness, and troublesomness.

Here you may see Master Empty-belly takes the greatest delight in the World, n.o.bly to treat some Northern Gentlemen of his acquaintance and Pot-companions, and then again to be treated by them: where there is an absolute agreement made, that when any one of them gets mony from their Parents, he shall give the company a treat of five Guinnies. And though they generally observe, that before they part, one quarrel or other arises, and the Swords drawn; yet this Law is inviolabler, than ever any Statutes of Henry the VIII. were. Which continued so long till one of them be desperately wounded or killed, and he that did it apprehended; and to the great greef of his Parents tried for his life, or else flies his Country, to save it.

Others we may see, that have no greater pleasure then to sit whole nights with their Companions playing at Tables; and there game away Rings, Hats, Cloaks and Swords, &c. and then ply one another so close with whole b.u.mpers of Sack and old Hock, that they are worse then senceless beasts, feeling and groping of the very Walls, and tumbling and wallowing to and fro in their own nastiness. And esteem it to be a Championlike action if one can but make the t'other dead drunk by his voracity of sucking in most. As if they intended hereby to become learned Doctors.

Some again are most horribly addicted to frequent the pestilential Bawdy-houses; of which they are never satisfied, till mony, cloaths, books, and their own health of body is consumed; and then come home to their Parents soundly peppered.

Some there are that oftentimes so deeply ingage themselves with their Landlords daughters, that they can answer to her examination without the knowledge either of their Parents or Doctors, and are fit for promotion in the Art of Nature. But if the Landlady hath never a daughter of her own, there's a Neece or Neighbors daughter, which knows how to shew her self there so neatly, that with her tripping and mincing she makes signals enough, that at their house Cubicula locanda is to be had. And these are the true Divers, that know infinitely well how to empty the Students Pockets.

Thus doth every one act their parts. Whilest the Parents are indeavouring to gather and sc.r.a.pe all together that they can, that their Son, who is many times the onliest or eldest, may go forward in his study, and become perfect in one Faculty. And the more, because they see that he is sharp-witted, and according as his Doctor saith, a very hopefull young man. Little thinking that he makes as bad use of those natural benefits, as he is lavish of his mony.

But it is a common saying that the London-youths must have their wills. Which oftentimes occasions, that when they have studied a long time in Divinity, they finally turn to be some Inns of Court Gentlemen; fearing that their wild Students life, might in any other vocation, be cast in their teeth.

Yet somtimes it also happens, that from the very first they behave themselves modestly, and advance so gallantly in their Studies, that it is a comfort for their Parents, and great benefit for themselves.

But nevertheless, though they obtain their Promotion with commendation, reputation, and great charges; yet it is all but fastidious, unless their Parents can leave or give them some considerable means; or that they through their brave behaviours, perfections, and sweet discourses, can inveagle themselves in to a rich match. For many years are spent before they can get a Parsonage or Benefice, and when it doth happen in some Country Town, the means will hardly maintain them.

If he be a Counsellor or Doctor of Physick, what a deal of time runs away before he can come in to practice! especially if in the one he hath not the good fortune to get the two or three first causes for his Clients; and in the other, not to make satisfactory cures of his first Patients. Therefore, what a joy would it have been for the Parents if their Son had spent his time in understanding Shop-keeping, and been obedient to the exhortations of his Parents!

But though some do this, and are therein compliant to their Parents; yet we perceive that this also is subject to many vexations, by reason that the children through a contrary drift, many times disturb their Parents night rest; especially when there are such kind of Maids in the house, that will listen to their humors and fancies.

These will, for the most part, please their Master and Mistriss to the full; and do all things so that their Mistriss shall be satisfied, and have no occasion to look out for another: And yet, in the mean while, all their main aim is, to get and intice the son, with their neatness, cleanliness, friendliness, and gentileness, to be on their side. To that end knowing how, as well as their Mistriss, to Hood themselves, curl their locks, and wantonly overspread their b.r.e.a.s.t.s with a peece of fine Lawn, or Cambrick, that they seem rather to be finically over shadowed then covered, and may the better allure the weak eys of the beholders.

These know that Dame Nature hath placed her best features in a City Maid, as well as in a Lady at Court: And that there are no keener Swords, or stronger steels to penetrate through the hearts of men, then the handsom bodiedness, comly and kind behaviour of women.

This is oftentimes the occasion that the son hath more inclination towards her, then he hath for a Gentlewoman of a good family and indifferent fortune; nay it transports him so, that they finally make use of one bed; and the son (much unexpected by the Parents) is come to be Father himself. But what an inestimable Pleasure of Marriage this is for the new Grandfather and Grandmother, every one may judge.

Especially, if it happens, as I saw once, that the Prentice lay with his Masters Daughter; and the Son with the Kitchin Wench; and the Prentice run away with the daughter; and the Son would by all means marry with the Kitchin Wench. Which was such a great grief for the Parents, that it might be justly termed rather one of the Terrors than Pleasures of Marriage. So that we see, although the Children be at home by their Parents, or in the shop, and remain under their view and tuition; yet nevertheless, by one or other, never to be expected, occasion, they fall in to evill courses; which every one that brings up children hath such manifold and several waies experience of, that it would be infinite and too tiresom to give you an account of all the Confessions. Therefore we will pa.s.s by these (as if we were running a horse-race), and to shorten our journy, return again to our well married Couple, from whom we are cruelly straied.

You see and observe then, O well married Couple, what strange tricks and actions that children will play. If yours act then the part of a liberal Son, or wanton Student, rejoice therein that you have not brought forth a dunce or blockhead; but since his Doctor saith that he is sharp-witted, and a hopefull youth; doubt not, but that you will, when he comes to his seriouser years, with delight and pleasure see him to be a great man.

[Ill.u.s.tration: 181 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]

For it hath many times hapned, that those who have been the maddest and wildest Students at the University, have afterwards come to be n.o.ble Personages, Ministers of State, and learned Doctors. Of whom we could relate unto you several examples, if we knew certainly that the revealing of that Confession would not be ill taken.

Thrice happy are you, O n.o.ble Couple, that you are yet in possession of the Pleasures of the first Marriage, and are not troubled with the contention of a cross-graind Father-in-law, or Mother-in-law over your Children, nor with their fore-children, or Children of the second bed.

For whatsoever happens to you now, comes from a Web of your own spinning, and your love to that, conquers and covers all infirmities; because we know very well that that certainly compleats one of the Pleasures of Marriage.

THE NINTH PLEASURE.

_Of base conditioned Maid-servants._

'Tis true, it seems to fall both tart and bitter, when the children take such lavish courses, and get such wild hairs in their nostrils; the sons acting the parts of spendthrifts, and petulant Students, and the Daughters of light Punks; as long as these things remain so, they appear to be but very sober Pleasures of Marriage. But when we perceive, that these thorns being past, the pleasant roses appear, and that these light hearted Students finally come to be gallant Pract.i.tioners; O that affords you the most satisfactory and largest Pleasure of Marriage that ever could be expected.

So also, if you perceive that your Daughters are lively, active and airy; that somtimes they would rather go to a Play, then to Church; or rather be merry of an evening, than at Sermon in the morning, and grow to be altogether mannish minded; you must then conclude these are natural instincts. If it happen to fall out, contrary to your expectation, that she hath more mind to a brave young fellow that's a Prentice, whose parts and humor she knows, then she hath in a Plush Jacketted or gilt Midas; then make your selves joyfull in the several examples that you have of others, who being so married, have proved to be the best Matches; of which examples multiplicities are at large prostrated to your view in the Theater of Lovers. So that you do herein yet find the Pleasure of Marriage.

But it is much farther to be sought for among the vexations which house-keeping people have not only from children, but from base-natured, lasie, tailing, lavish, and ill-tongued servants; done unto them somtimes by their men, but generally by the foolish and stifnecked Maids. These can make their Master totally forget his Base Viol and singing of musick, and their Mistriss the playing upon the Virginals. It was a much less trouble for Arion and Orfeus to charm all the senceless creatures both of Sea and Land in those daies; then it is now for house-keepers to bring their servants to a due obedience.

Neither is this strange, because some Maids, when they see they have gotten a kind natured and mild Gentlewoman to their Mistriss; immediately practice, by all means possible, to rule and domineer over her; insomuch that whatsoever the Mistriss orders or commands, she knows how, according to the imagination of her own understanding, to order and do it otherwise. And dare many times boldly contradict them, and say, _Mistriss, it would be better if this were done then, and that so_.

And if the Mistriss be so mild that she condescends and pa.s.ses by this some times; they are immediately, in their own conceits, as wise again as their Mistriss; and dare, when they come among their tailing Gossips, brag that they can bend their Mistriss to their Bow; and if their Mistriss bids them do any thing, they do it when it pleases them, or at their own oportunity; for their Mistriss is troubled with the simples, a Sugar-sop, &c.

But if it happen so that one of these Rule-sick Wenches, comes into a service where the Mistriss is a notable spirited woman that looks sharply and circ.u.mspectly to the government of her Family, then she's d.a.m.nably put to't; and is troubled in spirit, that her Mistriss will not understand it so, as she would fain have it, according to her hair-brain'd manner, and gets this to an answer, _Jane, do it as I command you, then it is well, though it were ill done. Let your Mistriss command, its your duty to obey; or else, next time you must hire your self out for Mistriss, and not for Maid, &c._

How pleasant this answer was to Jane, it appears, because she no sooner gets out, but she runs to Goody Busie-body that hires out servants; where she makes no smal complaint of her Mistresses insulting spirit; and asks whether she knows not of a hire for her by some houskeeping Batchelor or Widower; because she understands the ordring of her work very well, is a special good Cook, and loves Children, &c. Then she would leave her Mistriss, and tell her that her Aunt was very sick and lay a dying, and that she must go thither, &c.

Goody Busie-body is presently ready, because she sees here is a means to earn double wages, the Maid must be provided with another service, and the Mistriss with another Maid; so she begins, like a Broker, to turn and wind it about every way to rid her self of the one, and then to recommend another in the place. Though it be mighty inconvenient for the Mistriss, and troubles her, because she many times may be near her lying-in, or some other pressing necessity, &c.

Whose merrier then Jane, for she hath gotten a new service by a Widower, and can order and govern all things now according to her own mind; where she hath not the name of a Maid, but of a Governantess.

Nay, now she's cunning enough to bridle in all her ill conditions, and watches the very ey of her Master, keeping all things very cleanly and neat in order; upon hopes that her Master might fall into a good humour, and make a place also for her in his bed. For verily she loves Children so well that she would be helping to get one her self. To which purpose she useth all inventions imaginable, running too and again about the house bare-necked, and her b.r.e.a.s.t.s raised up; or comes to his bedside all unlaced, or fains to sit sleeping by the fire side with her coats up to her knees, against her Master comes home, with the key in his Pocket, merrily disposed, from his Companions; or with a short Coat on, stoops down very low in the presence of her Master, to take up somthing from, or clean the flore; or climbs up a ladder to rub the gla.s.s windows; and knows of a thousand such manner of inticements, of which there's never a one of them, but, if the Master have any flesh or blood in him, are sufficient to catch and insnare him. For this hapned to her fellow Creature who having dwelt some indifferent time with a Widower, he came home one evening pretty merry, and jestingly talked to her about her sweetheart; _See there, Peggy, be carefull, and when you come to marry, I will give you this bed that I ly on, with all that belongs to it._ Whereupon the Maid answered, _Well Sir, if I shall have all that justly belongs to it, I must have you also Sir, for it is yours, and you ly upon it._ The answer pleased the Master so well, that he catches Peggy in his arms, throws her upon the bed, and lies down by her; till at last, in spite of all his relations, he made his Maid his Wife: who being married, then began to discover her stifnecked, cross-graind humors, that she had so long kept secret; but it was the occasion of both their ruines.

But we will leave Jane and Peggy with their Widowers, and take a view what kind of a Pleasure of marriage that our Mistriss possesseth with her new Maid; for Goody Busie-body recommended her highly to be a very honest, vertuous Maid, of a good family, and gave her self security for her fidelity.

Nevertheless, there are hardly three daies past, but the Mistriss perceives that she is notably inclined to toss up her cup: but for the better certainty, the Mistriss commands her to draw some Wine in a gla.s.s that was very clean rinsed; which she no sooner brought back, but the Mistriss observed that greasy lips had been at it; yet before she sent her the second time, she takes a trencher and holds it over the smoke of a Candle to grow black, then with her finger rubs that soot upon the edge or hollow part of the gla.s.s; and commanded her, as she did before, to draw some Wine; but when she came back again, the Mistriss then perceived that the round circle of the gla.s.s was impressed upon both sides of her mouth and upon her forehead. Who can abstain themselves from laughter, when they see such a marked sheep come out of the Wine Cellar? Who could imagine that a Maid in three daies time should occasion so much pleasure of marriage! How much more mirth will you receive from her, when she has taken a good bowsing cup to be jolly! You have here a triall of her fidelity, that Goody Busie-body vaunted of. For the future she may very well say, that she is mighty dexterous at smuckling of Wine; who knows but she may get an Angel a year the more wages for it.

But whilest she pleases her Mistriss with this sight, the t'other causes her to enjoy a new recreation: for she having gotten leave to go to Church in th'afternoon, tarries out till seven of the clock in the evening, tho she knows there are friends invited to supper, the children must be got to bed, and all things set in good order; neither is it strange, for she thinks, I am now the eldest Maid, the t'other may attend. When I hired my self, my Mistriss told me I should go on Sundaies to Church; and also, when occasion served, after Sermon I should walk abroad for an hour or two; and now there is a very good opportunity, because she hath another Maid at home, &c.

She keeps singing in this tune. And finally coming home, thinks that she has a great deal of reason on her side, and is not ashamed to retort ten cross words for one. 't Is no wonder neither, for she had been talking with Mistriss Sayall the Cupster, who had Cupt her but the Sunday before, and then told her that she could observe out of her physiognomy, and the course of her blood, several infallible signs, that she should come to be a woman of good quality, and that she would not be above a year unmarried. Also there came thither at the same time Dorothy and Margery, whom Mistriss Sayall had in like manner prognosticated what was befallen them. These did not a little admire, that she, being now the eldest Maid, earned such small wages, and that her Mistriss did not raise it; because she deserved at the least fifteen shillings a year more, and a better New years gift, and Fairing.

Thus they stuff one anothers pates full. And Mistriss Sayall, and Goody Busiebody, seem to be as if they were sisters cast in one Mould; for the one knows how to blow the simple wenches ears full; and the t'other, worse then a Bawd, makes them cross-grain'd; and keep both of them a school for ill-natured Wenches, and lazy s.l.u.ts, to natter, to exhort, and to exasperate in; yet these half Divel-drivers, carry themselves before the Mistresses like Saints; but do indeed, shew themselves to be the most deceitfullest cheats, who carry alwaies fire in one hand and water in the t'other.

These know how, very subtlely, many times, to fatten their carka.s.ses, with meat and drink out of the Mistresses Cellars and b.u.t.teries; keeping alwaies a fair correspondence with the theevish Maids, which know many tricks and waies how to convey it unto them; and scold and brawl against those whose stoln meat and drink they thus idly and basely convey away. These use again all possible indeavours to recommend them here or there to a sweetheart, and make their own houses serve as an Exchange for this Negotiation; where they appear as precise at their hours, as a Merchant doth at Change-time.

This it is, that makes them look like a Dog in a halter, when they cannot get leave on Sundaies to go a gadding; and it is a wonder they do not bargain for it when they hire themselves: though there are some that are not ashamed, (who dare not so openly confess this) to bargain that they may go every Sunday to Church, as if they were extraordinary devout, when it is really to no other end, then to set out their gins, to catch some Tailor, Baker, Shoomaker, Cooper, Carpenter, Mason, or such like journyman: which is hardly pa.s.sed by to satisfie their fleshly l.u.s.ts, before they perceive that they have chosen a poor and wretched for a plentifull livelihood; and are often, by their husbands, beaten like Stockfish, though Lent be long past. But what delight they have, in being curried with this sort of five-tooth'd Comb, the neighbours can judge by the miserable songs they sing.

These find also the Pleasures of Marriage, at which they have so long aimed, and so much indeavoured for; and would now gladly lick their fingers at that which they have many times thrown away upon the Dunghills, or in the Kennels; falling many times into deplorable poverty, or to receive Alms from the Churchwardens and charitable people; of which there are vast numbers of examples, too lamentable and terrible to be related.

By this small relation you may see what kind of points these sort of people have upon their Compa.s.s. But to write the true nature and actions of such Rubbish, were to no other purpose then to foul a vast quant.i.ty of paper with a deal of trash and trumpery. For many are d.a.m.nably liquorish tooth'd, everlasting Tattlesters, lazy Ey-servants, salt b.i.t.c.hes, continual Mumblers out of their Pockets, wicked Scolds, lavish Drones, secret Drinckers, stifnecked Dunces, Tyrants over Children, Stinking s.l.u.ts, Mouldy Brain'd trugs; h.e.l.lish sottish Gipsies; nay and sometimes both Whorish and Theevish; and must, therefore, not have come into consideration here, if they did not so especially belong to the disconsolations of Marriage; occasioning many times more troubles and disquiets in a Family, then all the rest of the adversities that may befall it.

This is the reason that makes the Mistriss many times turn one after t'other out of dores; and is afreard that a new one should come in again. And is also ashamed that the Neighbors should see every foot a new Maid upon her flore; who by an evil nature, are ready to beleeve the worst of their fellow neighbours, what is told them by a tale-carrying, long-tongued s.l.u.t of a Maid; though they many times observe how wickedly they are plagued with their own.

O super-excellent Pleasure of Marriage! where shall we make a conclusion, if we should set all things down according to their worth and value! Certainly every one would, to that purpose, want a Clark in their own Family.

THE TENTH PLEASURE.

_An empty Purse, makes a sorrowfull Pate. The Husband grows jealous.

And the Wife also. The Husband is weary of his wife, and seeks to be divorced._