The Ten Pleasures of Marriage Part 14

But perhaps you may light of a better sort, which Time, who is the mother of all things, will make appear. Let it be as it will, here is alwaies pleasure and delight to be expected for the good man, because the good woman by this means increaseth to more knowledge of housholding affairs; and therefore is alwaies busie, like a prudent mother, in educating, governing, and instructing her children.

Yea, if you, O Father of the Family, will go a little further, and behold with clear eys, how far your wife, through these bad times, is advanced in understanding and knowledge; I do a.s.sure you, you will find your self as ravisht with joy; because this is as great a transformation as ever Ovid writ of. For whereas at the beginning of your marriage, all her cogitations were imploied for the buying of large Venetian Looking-gla.s.ses, Indean Chainy, Plush Stools and Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, rich Presses and Tables, yea and whatsoever else was needfull for neatness and gallantry; we see now, that all her sences are at work, where ever they may or can be, to save and spare all things, and to take care that there may not so much as a match negligently be thrown away.

Formerly, your good wife used, by reason of her youth, and want of knowledge, to walk very stately, hand in hand with you, along the streets, finically trickt up with powdered locks, and a laced Gorget and Gown, and had commonly need of, at the least, three hours time, before she, with the help of two serviceable a.s.sistants, could be put to her mind in her dress; and then again all her discourse was of walking or riding abroad, and of junketting and merriment; whereas now on the contrary, seeing the small gain, she is sparing of all things, and ordring it to the best advantage for the family; without so much as setting one foot out of her House or Counter unnecessarily. Never thinking more of gadding abroad, to take pleasure; but finds all her delight by being busie in her houskeeping, amongst her children and servants. Here you may behold her driving the maid forwards, and setting her a spinning, to keep the sleep out of her eys; and with this intent also that she may have the delight to get yarn enough ready towards Winter, to let a brave Web of Linnen be woven for the service of the Family. Yea, and here she shews you, that though before she was but a Bartholomew Baby, that she is now grown to be a brave houswife. And that, if need requires, she can put a hand to the plough stoutly.

O happy man, who in such a sad and troublesom time, can find out so many Pleasures of Marriage, and who art already so well instructed in that most ill.u.s.trious School!

'Tis true, you will meet with some jeering prattle-a.r.s.es, that will say, is this that brave couple, that there was such a noise made of when they were married! Is this the Gentlewoman that used to go so costly in her Gorgets and Gowns! Goes she now with a plain wastcoat!

alas and welladay! doth her feathers begin to hang thus! Well, is this the Gentlewoman that used alwaies to keep two maids! Can she now make a shift with a little wench that earns her wages with spinning, and her diet with doing the house work? it must certainly ly very nastily and s.l.u.ttishly at her house.

'Tis very true, this might happen to you, and it would seem to eclipse the Sun of your Pleasures of Marriage very much; if you had not now, O well matcht Couple, through the instruction of the winged Time, gotten such prudent eys that you can easily see through such vain and simple Clouds.

But now you apprehend, to your great joy and comfort, that this arrow comes out of the Quiver of such as are indebted to every body, and suffer themselves daily to be durrid; who are continually pratling with the Neighbors, and gadding along the streets; they take notice of every dore that opens, and neglect their own houskeeping having no understanding to govern it; the dishes, pots and pans are alwaies standing in the middle of the flore; and Benches and Stools are all covered and ly filled with the Childrens dirty clouts, and the Windows are so thick with dirt, that the Sun can hardly shine through them.

Whose first word is, when any body comes into their house, What! by reason of these sad times a body hath neither joy nor delight in their houskeeping. If we wash the gla.s.s windows, they are in danger of breaking, and at present we cannot bear with any losses. And these ordinarily have more pratling and felling then any other women, and no body knows any thing better then these sworn t.i.ttletattlers; they are seldom to be found with a pin-cushion upon their laps; and are the occasion that their houses, children and Maids stink of filth and s.l.u.ttishness, with their cloaths out at the elbous, and their stockins out at the heels. Whilest their husbands sit in the Alehouses, and seek by drinking, domineering and gaming to drive these damps of the sad times out of theire brains; which continueth so long, till that all is consumed, and they both fly d.a.m.nably in debt to their Creditors.

Well then, you worthy and faithfull Houskeepers, you see now the unhappy state and condition of these venomous controulers of others: And on the contrary, you may perceive how happy the bad times, like a prudent Instructor, makes you; what a quant.i.ty of understanding and delight it imparts unto you; whilest you both, with joint resolution, diligent hands and vigilant eys, indeavor the maintenance and setting up of your Family. Be a.s.sured, that this care and frugality will so root it self in your very bones, that although the times changed and grew better, you would reserve a stedfast delight in the promoting the good and benefit of your houskeeping; and withall leave to your children such riches and good examples, that they will follow your footsteps of carefulness with delight, and lay a hand to the plough, thereby to demonstrate that they were of a good extraction: which if it so happen, you will inherit one of the greatest and desiredst Pleasures that is to be found in the Married estate.

[Ill.u.s.tration: 151 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]

THE EIGHTH PLEASURE.

_The Parents would bring up their son in their way of Trade, but he hath no mind to't. He is put to School out of the City. Grows a Scholler, commits much mischief. Is apprehended and informed what a Schollerlike life is._

Uds life, now I thinke on't, amongst the Pleasures of Mariage, this is none of the least, when one sees their children feed well, and grow up healthfully and merrily; and their stomacks in a morning are as soon open as their eys; then at noons they can claw it away at a good dish, as well as persons of full growth and years; and about four of the clock their appet.i.tes are again prepared for an afternoons lunchion; insomuch that they can eat you into poverty, without making their teeth bleed. O it is such a delight to see that they continually grow up so slovenly and wastfully in their cloaths, that they must needs have every half year almost a new suit, and that alwaies a little bigger; whereby the Father sees that he shall in short time have a son to be his man in the shop, and the mother a daughter to be her caretakester and controulster of the Kitchin.

Thus we advance in the estate of Mariage, from one pleasure to another. O how happy you'l be, if your children be but pliable and courteous, and grow up in obedience, and according to your example!

But we see in the generality, that as their understanding increases, that also their own wills and desires do in like manner not diminish.

Perhaps you meet with some such symptoms as these are in your own son; for having been some years learning the Latine Tongue at Pauls or Merchant Tailors School; he is then inveagled by some of the neighbors sons to go with them to learn the Italian or French language; to which purpose they know of a very delicate Boarding school a little way out of the City; and then they baptize it with the name, that he hath such a longing and earnest desire to learn it, that he cannot rest in the night for it.

What will you do? The charge there of, the bad times, and the necessity you have for him at home, makes you perswade him from it, and to proffer him convenient occasions in the City; but what helps it, the fear of drawing the child from that which he has so much a mind to; and may be, that also, wherein his whole good fortune consists, causes you to take a resolution to fullfill his desire. Away he's sent then, and agreed for. And then there must be a Trunk furnisht, with all manner of linnen and cloaths, with other toys and sweet meats, and mony in his pocket to boot.

Having been some small time there he sends some letters for what he wants. Which is, with recommendations of being saving and diligent, sent unto him. And it is no small pleasure for the Parents, if they do but see that he is an indifferent proficiant. All their delight and pleasure is, when time will permit, to go to their son, and to shew him their great love and affection.

But the Daughter, which goes along with her Mother, is kindled with no small matter of jealousie to see that her Brother puts her Parents to so much charge, gets what he pleases, and that their minds are never at rest about him. When she, on the contrary, being at home, is thrust by her Mother into the drudgery of the house, or kept close to her needle. Yet these are pacified with a fine lace, a ring, or some such sort of trinkom trankoms; and then with telling them into the bargain, when your brother comes home he shall keep the shop.

This the Father is in expectation of. And the son being come home, gives a great Pleasure to his Father and Mother, by reason he speaks such good Latin and Italian, and is so gentile in his behaviour: but to look to the shop, he hath no mind to. Say what they will, talk is but talk. All his desire and mind is to go to the University either of Oxford or Cambridge. And although the Father in some measure herein yeelds and consents; the Mother, on the other side, can by no means resolve to it; for her main aim was, that her son should be brought up in the shop; because that in the absence, or by decease of her husband, he might then therein be helpfull to her. Besides that, it is yet fresh in her memory, that when her Brother studied at Oxford, what a divellish deal of mony it cost, and what complaints there come of his student-like manner of living. Insomuch that there was hardly a month past, but the Proctor of the Colledge, or the Magistracy of the City must have one or other penalty paid them.

Now they try to imploy the son in the shop, who delights in no less melody then the tune of that song: letting slip no occasion that he can meet with to get out of the shop; and shew himself, with all diligence, willing to be a Labourer in the Tennis Court, or at the Bilyard Table; and is not ashamed, if there be hasty work, in the evening, to tarry there till it be past eleven of the clock. What a pleasure this vigilance is to the Father and Mother, those that have experience know best. Especially when they in the morning call their son to confession, and between Anger and Love catechize him with severall natural and kind reproofs.

'Tis but labour lost, and ill whistling, if the horse won't drink.

What remedy? turn it, and wind it so as you will.

_The son his mind to study is full bent, Or else will live upon his yearly rent._

Here must be a counsell held by wisdom, prudence, love and patience.

Here also the imaginations of incapableness or want of monies must be conquered; for to constrain a son to that he hath no mind to, is the ready way to dull his genious, and perhaps bring him to what is worser, to wit, running after wh.o.r.es or Gaming. And to teach him how to live upon his yearly means, the tools are too d.a.m.n'd costly. So that now the Parents have true experience of the old Proverb.

_The Children in their youth, oft make their Parents smart, Being come to riper years, they vex their very heart._

Nevertheless, after you have turn'd it and wound it so as you will, the sending of him to the University of Oxford bears the sway; and there to let him study Theology being the modestest Faculty, by one of the learnedst and famousest Doctors. And verily, he goes forward so n.o.bly, that, in few months, before he half knows the needfull Philosophy, he is found to be a Master of Arts in Villany. And moreover, the Parents were by some good friends informed, that lately he was acting the domineering student, and being catcht by the watch, was brought into the Court of Guard; but through the extraordinary intercession of his own and some other Doctors, they privately let him go out again.

A little longer time being expired, he sends Post upon Post dunning letters; his quarter of the years out, his Pockets empty, and the Landlady wants mony; besides there are severall other things that he wants, both of Linnen and Woollen; all which things yield an extraordinary Pleasure, especially, if the mony which is sent, without suffring shipwrack, be imploied and laid out for those necessaries.

For some students are so deeply learnt, that they consume the monies they get in mirth and jovialty, and leave their Landladies, Booksellers, Tailors, Shoomakers, and all whom they are indebted to, unpaid. Nay, his own Cousin, that studied at Cambridge, knew very learnedly how to make a cleaver dispatch, with his Pot-Companions, at Gutterlane, of all the mony that was sent him by his Parents, for his promotion; and under the covert of many well studied lies desired more.

But who knows, what wonderfull students tricks, before he is half so perfect, your son will have learnt, to make his Father and Mother merry with; for, as I have heard, he hath gotten so much aquaintance, that he hath the Bookseller to be his friend, who sets down the prizes of the Books he delivers, three times as much again as they are worth; and for the overplus, he, with some other students, are bravely merry together.

Yea, he's come so far himself, that he doth, to get mony, know how to sell his best Authors; and sets in place of them some Blocks very neatly cut and coloured like gallant Books. And if any one comes that will lay their hands upon them; he saith immediately, eat, drink, smoke and be merry to your hearts content; but whatsoever you do, touch not my books; for that's as a Medean Law and an inviolable statute in my Chamber; as it doth, to the same purpose, stand written thus before my Chamber of Books:

_Be jolly, sing, and dance; command me with a look, One thing I do forbid, you must not touch a Book._

The old Proverb saith, it must bend well, before it can make a good hook. But it is easie to be perceived by the beginning, what may be expected from the flexibility of this precious twig. O extraordinary and magnificent pleasure for the Parents, when they see that their son, in so short a time, is so d.a.m.nably advanced! And so much the more, a little while after, there comes one and tells them by word of mouth, that there were several Schollars, which were playing some antick tricks in the night; and amongst some others both their Son and their Cousin were apprehended, and at this very present sad accusations were brought in against them. In the mean while, the Chancellor, having heard that they are all persons of good Parentage, and that there will be brave greasing in the case, laughs in his fist because such things as those are generally moderated and a.s.sopiated by the means and infallible vertue of the correcting finger hearb.

This brings the Parents a fine Bartholomew Baby to play with; and if there ly loosely in a corner a fifty pound bag they will go nigh to see how they may make use of it. And this gives a horrible augmentation to the Pleasures of Marriage! But let them turn it and wind it which way they will, the Parents must go thither, and seek by all means possible according to their ability, to pacific the matter.

As they are upon their journy, they hear in every Town where they come, how debauched and wicked lives the Students leads, not only concerning that which was lately done at Oxford, but at other places also. Which makes them be in no small fear, whether their son, perhaps may not be guilty only of this, but some worser misdemeanor, and is therefore at present clapt up.

Here Master Truetale begins to relate, that lately there were four Students, who for some petulancy, had been at Confession by the Mayor, and he with their vomiting up some Guinies, gave them their absolutions; but they perceiving that hereby their purses were cruelly weakned, and that the return of monies did not come according to expectation, took a resolution to get some revenge of him for it. And he having built a new house, caused it, by a curious Workman, to be neatly painted on the outside: which these four Students seeing, they took a good quant.i.ty of Tar, and did so d.a.m.nably bedawb it, that it looked as if old Nick had been there with his rubbing brush. Which the Mayor seeing in the morning, seemed to be little troubled at it; but said, certainly some body hath done this, that I have taken too little mony of, and therefore in grat.i.tude have, for nothing, thus bepainted my delicately painted house.

But nevertheless the Mayor sends in the evening five or six Spies abroad into those Taverns and Alehouses where the lightest Students generally frequented; who were smoking and drinking there, and amongst other discourses related, how it tickled their fancies, that the covetous Mayor was served such a delicate trik, &c. Whereupon some of them hearing that the action was so much commended, and that the Mayor made no search about it, saies, that was my work with James Smith the Londoner, Jack Dove the Kentishman, and Sanny Clow the Scotch man.

Upon this they were all four apprehended in the night, and very cleaverly clapt by the heels, &c.

Hereupon Mistriss Credit, said, There are no such wicked inventers of mischief, as moniless Students; of which we had lately a new example, for some of those Blades wanting mony, were resolved to act this trick, _viz._ Some few daies before there was a malefactor hanged, and one of them between eleven and twelve of the clock at night, gets hard by the Gallows where he hung, and feigned to be the spirit of the malefactor; sometimes appearing, and then again vanishing; in the mean while the rest of his companions, all separate from each other, as if they had been strangers, placed themselves not far from it. Each of them seemed to be frightned, and shewed unto all the pa.s.sers by that there was the spirit of the malefactor that was executed. This run forward like wild fire, in somuch that the number of the spectators increased abundantly. And whilest every one was so busie in beholding it, the moniless Students were as serious in picking of their Pockets, cutting the silver b.u.t.tons off their cloaths, which no body perceived, till the Spirit was vanished, and they were gotten home. So did I know, saith Master Mouth, two necessitous Students, who at a Fair-time, observed that a Country man, having sold some commodities that he brought to Market, had received five or six Crown pieces for them; and went amongst the Booths to buy somthing, but feared in the throng one or another might steal them from him; therefore would not trust them in his Pocket, nor with his Purse in the breast of his doublet; but puts them in his mouth; saying, No body I'm sure can take them from thence, and walks into the Booths, there cheapning a hat; in the mean while, one of these Students goes to the very next Booth, buies some pedling thing, and pulling mony out of his Pocket to pay, saith what a pox is the meaning of this? Just now I had several Crown pieces, and now I have nothing; and since that, there hath no body else been near me, but this Country fellow; and begins to catch him by the shoulders; saying, hark ye Squire, I miss several Crown pieces which I had but just now. This so amazed the Country man, that he began to mumble with the Crown pieces in his mouth; whereupon the Student said, I verily beleeve the villain hath them in his mouth. The Country man answered thereupon, those that I have in my mouth are my own, I received them just now for some commodities; But let the Country man say what he would, it was not beleeved; he was lamentably beaten, his Crown pieces taken from him, and given to the Student.

By this you may perceive, saith Master Otherway, that the Proverb is true, _Poverty is subtle_. I was lately told of some poor troublesom Students, who had, a little way off the City, caused a dainty Feast to be made ready for them; and knowing that the Landlord had a brother, whom he extreamly loved, which lived about five and twenty miles off; write a Letter to the Landlord, and therein acquaint him that his Brother was very desperately sick, oftentimes calling for him; therefore if he would see and speak with him alive, he must with all possible speed immediately come thither, &c.

Then they found out such a cleaver contryvance to have this Letter delivered into the hands of the Landlord, that he had not the least distrust of a cheat; but away he rides immediately. In the mean while, these Students committed much sauciness and wantonness with the Mistriss and the Maid; till at last locking them both up in a Chamber, away they went without paying.

To this a Miller that sate close by, relates, that lately, not far from his house, two Students laid violent hands upon a woman, and bound her to a Post.

'Tis a Wonder, saith Master Demure, proceeding forward, that since they commit such wicked and so many base actions, more of these Students are not apprehended. When I dwelt at my Country house, there came a parcel of these drunken blades, that were expresly gone abroad to play some mad tricks; they pulled down the pales of my neighbors Garden; and one among them that served for Chief, commanded pull off these planks, tear up this Post, &c.

In the mean time, a poor Country man coming by with his empty Wagon; begs of this commander, that he would be pleased to bestow upon him those old Planks and Posts for his winter firing, because he was so poor, that he knew not where to get any: which this Gentleman granting him, he laies on a l.u.s.ty load upon his Wagon.

Being drove a pretty way of, the owner comes to the place, and sees in what a lamentable condition his Garden lay; asks who had done it, and understands that they were Students which had taken their march towards some of the adjacent Country Towns, but that the Country man with his Planks, must needs be got very far from the City, &c. Away runs the owner with all speed, makes his complaint, and gets an order to arrest the poor Country man, his horse and Wagon. Who coming to be examined at his triall, was condemned to be set in the Pillory, with two Planks set before him, upon which must be written in great white Letters.

_Garden-Theef._

These wicked Students stood together to behold this, and laught till they split, to see that this poor innocent Country man, must suffer such shame and punishment for his winter firing.

Just in the same manner, not long ago, some divellish Students, had taken a heavy rail from before a house which was newly set there, but hearing that the Watch or Bell man approched; they presently whept it before another mans dore, where there was none; and leaning all of them over the rail; saluted the Watch with saying, Good night Gentlemen, Good night; and the Watch the like to them again: But the Watch was no sooner gone then they fell to breaking of it all in peeces, and run away as fast as they could drive.

Those people are unhappy, saith Master Talkon, especially such as live in Country Towns, that are near to Cities where there are Universities; for many times one or another must be a sufferer from these roguish natured Students; and they imagine in themselves that all what the Country people possess must be at their pleasure and disposition. Whereby it happens, in the Summer, that for their wicked pastime, they go to rob the Orchards of the best fruit, and to steal Hens, Ducks, and Pigeons; and then again to destroy the Fields of Turnips, Carrots, Parsnips, Beans and Pease, &c. Tearing up such multiplicities, that it would be incredible if we should relate it all. But it is common for them to destroy ten times as much as they can eat or carry away.