The Sorrows of a Show Girl Part 13

"If you could get Clarence--yes, that was his name ain't it a scream?--if you could get Clarence soused he was the boy comic. Honest, I have seen him bring a smile out of a head waiter.

"He was the real spendthrift. Why, every day he was courting me in Racine he would take me down and let me look at the lake for hours at a time, and often he would tell me he was going to take me boat riding.

Shows what a piker I was. If I knew what I do now I would have sprung a laugh and told him if he wanted my fair young heart he would have to show me more excitement than a watch meeting.

"My, how I do run on! Here I got to sell a couple more seats for the festival, for it is coming off a week from this coming Thursday, and I want to have all the other girls faded. What, must you go? Say, party, take it from me--break open your bank and count your pennies, for it's the chance of a lifetime. Da-da."

She discusses the advisability of chorus girls charging time for their company like a taxicab. She goes for a sail on the river and the party meets with several accidents before finally having a wreck.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

"Gee, Kid, I can scarce restrain myself," remarked Sabrina, the Show Girl, as we met her on the street.

"The big show comes off Thursday afternoon, and me! Why, I'll be there dressed up like a circus. Take it from me, it's a bet you don't want to overlook. I seen a guy go up to the managers and wave $10,000 in their faces for the box office receipts, and all he got was the cold, cruel laugh of scorn.

"The clubhouse had its official opening last night, and as yet none of those that were in attendance have appeared upon the scene. I ain't saying a word, but I bet they had an awful time.

"Them Friars are great people. I been the busy little bee all week trying to get some tickets, but I guess they are all sold out. All of the out-of-town guys are clamoring for gallery seats behind posts. And anything less than $50 for one of the seats is considered as car fare.

"Wilbur went to the opening of the new clubhouse last night, and I got a 'phone from him this morning saying he was going home and get some sleep.

"Say, party, was you up to the Friars' Convention last Sunday? Talk about fun, this sixty laughs in sixty minutes stunt looked like a Methodist watch meeting.

"Honest, I felt sorry for Miss Piatt of 'The Merry Widow' bunch. She was elected to represent that outfit by the whole company Sat.u.r.day night and then none of the girls showed up to vote for her. The funny thing of the whole works was that Miss Sara Spotted-Weazel from the Bill Show nearly won at that. Gee, did you hearken to the cadenza she turned loose?

Indian comic opera. Fine business. I am glad Josephine Cohan got it, 'cause she's a nice girl, though Louise Dresser is all right at that.

"Beban was the foxy guy; every time anybody didn't show up from any company he would claim that he was the delegate and put the thing through. Wasn't Al Davis the busy party! Corbett thought the thing all out and Davis did the hard work, and then every Friar for miles around put in their little gab and told Davis how it should be done.

"Did you ever notice that the party inside the taxi knows more about running it than the chauffeur? Al was wise. He paid no attention to their words of advice and that's why the thing was a success. Too many chefs spoil the cheese sandwich. Them's my words and they go as they lay. Hank Green got sore 'cause I spoke to him, so I won't do it any more.

"Wilbur and I are to be united in wedlock next week and we are going on our wedding tour. Where it will be goodness only knows. It may be only to Canarsie or Far Rockaway.

"Since he met me he has planted a bunch of change, and a gentleman friend of mine gave him a few tips on the market, and he's got what he claims is a tidy sum. He's talking about taking a trip to Europe. Such a chance. What license have we in that neck of woods? I told him to take a ride over the Williamsburg bridge and that would give him all the Europe he wanted.

"He wants to go over there and bring back a couple of big vaudeville acts and make a bunch of money. Rats, I tell him, rats. What does he know about vaudeville acts? Some of these wops that go across never get it out of their systems. All you hear is, 'When I was in London.'

"I remember the time I met Ted Marks in Maxim's. Maxim's is in Paris, you know, my dear. It gives me a sharp, stinging pain. Those burgs ain't such a much. You can get just as good things to drink right here in New York, so, I says to him, 'what's the use of making a fool trip like that?' But he's noodly on the subject and spends half of his spare time reading 'Short Trips in the Old World,' 'Life in the Latin Quarter,'

'Fifty-seven Ways to Avoid Tipping' and all that kind of junk. A trip to Asbury Park would satisfy me just as well.

"Alia McSweeney's Judge gave her a new automobile the other day and we had a match race on the Merrick Road. Honest, the way my car left her tied to the post was a crime. We both stopped drinking three hours before the race commenced, so that our nerves would be in good condition."

"She may be a good chorus girl, but she certainly is a b.u.m racer. I beat her by two dogs, six chickens and a lamp post. I would have got a milk wagon, only Wilbur carelessly blew the horn and scared him up a side street. After the race the loser had to treat the winner to the big eats. I can't tell you what we had, but I can say this much. If she loses another race the Judge will have to go over to the corporations.

Eat? We had the best there was.

"Gee, I am sore on this racing thing. You know I went down there a couple of weeks ago and chased the books up a tree. I prance down there the other day and they had me going some. I had a crowd of inside info, and what do I do but let a wop tout me out of it and play his horse. I lost just five hundred cold ones by the deal, and I sure does give this guy a laying out.

"I says to him, 'What license you got to give a lady a b.u.m steer like that? Here I go and plant my fifty on the dog you handed me at 6 to 5, and the 10 to 1 shot I was going to play wins! Where's my comeback? I ask you as a lady, where do I get off?' He offered to kick in with the fifty I lost, but I put up such an awful roar that he gave me two hundred more to ease my aching heart.

"I lose him in the crowd and then take a peek at the entries again and find the gee-gee I intended betting on didn't even start. Of course I couldn't find the party that gave me the two fifty, search as I might.

Wasn't that rotten luck?

"I ran that two fifty up to an even thousand before the last race and then beat it for home and mother. The bunch went into the fresh air fund along with the rest. I am now trying to meet some nice gentleman who does business in Wall Street and get him to make a few conservative investments for me. Not that I intend to use any of my own money.

Certainly not. But it is a good thing to have a bank account to flash, so that the b.o.o.b will think he will get a comeback if he does lose.

"A gentleman did put some money up on a margin for me once and then when he got trimmed he came to me for a check and I had to go into hysterics before I could get rid of him.

"The conceited yen some of these b.o.o.bs have in thinking that a fluff has nothing else to do but sit in some cafe and hold hands until daylight.

"I am trying to get the Chorus Girls' Union to get together and pa.s.s a law charging so much for our time, just like a taxicab. Don't you think that would be a good idea? Lots of times the supper ain't worth the time she wastes on the cluck. They could have a little indicator fastened to their Merry Widow hat and as they leave the stage door turn down the flag and not read the meter until he had kissed you good-by in the hall, and then collect. In that way the doll would have the price of breakfast, and maybe a new gag or something for her wardrobe. It would reduce the nightly jam around the stage door by a whole lot.

"Did you hear about the bunch of us going yachting in Gym Bagley's yacht The Hornet the other day? He calls it The Hornet because he got stung when he bought it. The weather was all to the good the other afternoon, so we hike up to Harlem and collar the ship, six of us, and, after loading a bunch of bottled ballast on board, we started out. Gosh, the water was lovely. Gym don't care what becomes of the blooming barge as long as it doesn't get lost. You can even sink it, if you mark the spot.

We all leave our Merry Widow lids in the boathouse, 'cause the boat wouldn't hold them, and sallied forth.

"Wilbur said he knew how to sail a boat. Come to find out later, it was a stone boat he had been educated on.

"Well, we elected him the chauffeur and, after hoisting the sail, the gallant craft with its merry-merry crew swung out into the stream. Yo ho, my lads, yo, ho.

"The wind was blowing one way and we wanted to go the other, so after nearly wrecking a couple of tugboats and a brick scow, we fixed the sail so the wind would push the boat right along. Aye, aye, captain, a fish sou'-sou' by east with the wind in his teeth! The st.u.r.dy vessel was just tearing along. Honest, you could see it move--right along, just like a clam, when Alla, who, you all know, is the human goat, in trying to reach for a bottle of beer that didn't belong to her, fell overboard.

"It served her right and I told the gang to hit her on the n.o.b with an oar when she came-up. We dragged her in, however, and wrapped her up in a bunch of coats and set her on the front stoop of the craft to dry.

"She got jerry to the fact that there was a bottle of jig juice in the galley and at once threw a chill. Honest, to see that fluff do a stage chill would have made a eel laugh, ha! ha! in that manner. She shook so hard she nearly threw us all out of the scow, so that we finally had to listen to her pleadings and pa.s.s her the booze.

"I was for letting her shake so if we wanted mixed drinks al we would have to do was to put the gla.s.s in her mitt and say go to it, but some of the gazabos in the mob got a sympathy streak and let her have it. I'd a let her had it, all right, all right, the outside of the bottle right on the marcel.

"The subterfuges these Janes will indulge in to accomplish their ends makes my goat jump the barrier.

"Nothing else marred our pleasant little sail up the river except when we opened the lunch box we found only one sandwich, and no one would eat it. Everybody wanted to trade their interest in it for a bottle of beer, and there was nearly a riot.

"It was finally settled by Wilbur, who is always the fair-haired boy when it comes to emergencies. He took the sandwich and threw it overboard and each and every member of the famished crew had another eyedropper full of suds. If it hadn't been for him, we would be out there yet.

"We had got up to nearly opposite 155th street by this time and some of the less experienced members of the jolly gang were commencing to worry that they would never see Broadway again and stationed a lookout in the bow to find Albany. Aye, aye, the deck, water sighted on the port beam.

On duty, captain. These noodley dames were strong for reversing and returning to our harbor, which we had not seen for these many years--ah, the brave sailor lad; alas, he had to remain away from home at night--so Wilbur started to turn the boat around.

"I think he must have thought he was driving a street car, for instead of reversing like any white man would, he pulled off an evolution that was a peach.

"All of the wind ducked out of the sail gag for a minute and the boat spun around, then, all of a sudden, it filled again, and, bingo! the scow slowly lays over on her side an dies. The outfit fell into the water kerplunk. I think I touched the bottom nine times before I grabbed the side of the boat. I remember distinctly of pa.s.sing a fish so often that we got on speaking terms.

"When I got the briny out of my lamps and took a pike around, there was the whole works clinging to the side of the boat looking like a flock of wet cats.

"The remarks they made to Wilbur I would not repeat here, for he is to be my future husband. The water was as cold as a flat in the Winter time and nothing in sight.

"One of the dames, I wouldn't be surprised if it was that Alla party, suggested that we lash a man to the rigging and let him look for help.