The Social Emergency Part 6

Up to the time, then, that a child goes to school, everything has probably been done that can be done so far as its instruction is concerned, (1) if the child has been kept as far as possible from foul suggestions from others; (2) if the child has had its questions honestly answered or temporarily though unevasively postponed; (3) if the child knows from its parents' lips that it came into the world from its mother's body, first growing there "beneath its mother's heart" until it was strong enough to be born; and that the mother would never have wished to have her child grow in her body had it not been that there was a strong man who would care for both mother and little child with great love and tenderness; that there has to be a father to love the mother and child, and that, therefore, mother and child must love the father, and the child must love both father and mother, and that this love is what makes the home; and (4) if in the process of imparting information, confidence has been established and modesty conserved.

Anyone who has ever seen a group of six- to ten-year-old boys and girls stand side by side and gaze with rapt but natural wonder and delight at a bureau drawer or chest full of the beautiful little garments waiting and ready for an expected child can never doubt the wisdom of a child's knowing from the start some better version of the story than any of the evasive temporizings of the conventional parent.

What shall the parent do who has never spoken of these things to his child until now the child is ten, eleven, or twelve years of age, and especially if the parent has given the child one of these evasive answers in reply to its innocent questions? It may be said in pa.s.sing that if the parent has thus evasively answered the child's first questions, he will never be bothered in all probability with any more questions. For the best way to set up the barrier is to answer questions falsely; and one way to establish confidence and to facilitate further communication is to answer truthfully.

The child may know more or less than you think it knows. The parent does not know what a ten- or twelve-year-old child knows or does not know.

Again, a parent does not know at what time or in what way or to what extent the child's s.e.xual life and impulse have already awakened. And the parent does not know to what extent the child may know "what ain't so." It is a mistake in most cases for the parent to try to find answers to these questions by questioning the child. For just as a parent may start wrong by deceiving the child, so the child may start wrong by deceiving the parent, and even a pretty good child, especially after it has been deceived by the parent, is likely to follow the same cue when it is questioned by the parent. The parent should not tempt the child to such a misstep.

Again, the parent, whether mother or father, should never try to open the conversation or resume it at a time when the boy or girl is likely to be interrupted or distracted or is eager at the moment to be somewhere else and doing something else. The mother and daughter quietly sewing together, or the father and son off for a walk, or sitting on a log, or lying on the gra.s.s, are ready for a confidential talk.

If the boy or girl was deceived in response to its first questions, the father or mother may retract in some such way as this: "Do you remember, Molly, that when you asked me where your baby brother came from, I told you the doctor made us a present? Well, that's the way fathers and mothers answer little children, just as we told you that Christmas presents came from Santa Claus. You came to know that papa and mamma are Santa Claus and that Santa Claus is a fairy story--and so you have probably already learned how the baby came. The baby really grows in the mother's body--did you know that? Do you know how long it takes for it to grow there? No? It takes nine months. Before you were born, you were growing inside of your mother's body. The blood from your mother's body flowed into your body; in this way your body grew. When the baby comes out of its mother's body, it does not hurt the baby, but it hurts the mother. It was so when you were born, but your mother was so happy to think she was to have a baby and to feel it growing inside her body that she did not think much about the pain. If your mother is ever a little tired and cross, you must remember that she loves you beyond anything that pain can measure and that she deserves your tenderest care."

At this or some other fitting time, the father or mother may give the child some further intimation of the process by which the child comes to grow in the mother's body, and in some such way as follows: "Some one may have told you how babies come to grow in their mothers' bodies. But most people are ignorant about these things. I think I can explain it to you a little if you will look for a moment at this flower that I have in my hand, because the coming of a baby in the mother's body is in some ways like the coming of the seed in the body of the flower. You have probably learned at school in your nature-study work that these are--what? Yes, the petals. And these stamens, and this is the pistil. Do you notice the powder on the end of the stamen? That is called pollen. If you put that powder under magnifying gla.s.s, each grain will look like a grain of wheat.

Now, do you notice that the pistil spreads out here at the base like a vase with a narrow neck and big bowl? I am going to cut the thick part open. Do you notice those tiny things like seeds? Yes, those are seeds, but they would not grow just by themselves. A grain of that pollen gets on to the end of the pistil (sometimes the wind, sometimes a bee puts it there), and immediately it begins to send a long thread from itself right down the center of the pistil, and this thread carries at the front the heart of the pollen grain, and when it reaches the tiny seed the two go together and the heart of the pollen joins with the heart of the seed and then it is a true seed and can grow,--and can grow into another plant that can have flowers that can have seeds, and so on almost forever. No one fully understands this very wonderful fact. We only know that it is a fact,--that the heart of a seed from a father flower had to join to the heart of a seed of a mother flower before a true seed that can grow into a plant is born. And we only know that something like this is true about father and mother animals, and that something like this is true of our own human father and mother."

So much to show how the parent may "break in," for that is often the crucial thing. After the start is made, details may be found in the books provided for just this purpose.[40] Indeed, after beginning, it is sometimes better to put the right book into the boy's hands; or better yet to read the book with the child. Especially is the latter course preferable if the book seems at any point unwise,--and there are few books prepared for children which are not at some point or other unwise. Only, in all this process of definite instruction in which a.n.a.logies from the life of plants and animals are used, the instructor must make sure that the ill.u.s.trations are thought of as a.n.a.logies for the anatomy and biology only, and guards must be reserved, implicitly and explicitly, against the child's supposing that everything in plants and animals is normal for human beings. All that the child learns of reproduction of plants and animals should be related to the home and affectional life even of animals, and the a.n.a.logy between animals and man should stop far short of that to which in all the animal world there is no real a.n.a.logy--the life and meaning of the higher order of human family life.

If the proper person to teach the child is the parent and if the parent does not know how, the obvious thing to do is to call the parents together and to try to teach them how. Besides meetings for parents (fathers and mothers together), excellent results have come from meetings for fathers and sons addressed by a man, and from meetings for mothers and daughters addressed by a woman.

The following details as to arrangement and conducting of parents'

meetings may be of value. For such meetings in the public school, the consent of the local school board must be obtained. This ought not to be granted if those seeking permission are either cranks or quacks. The Viavi people are said to be obtaining such permission for use of schoolhouses under the specious plea of social hygiene. Others, well intentioned but with extreme purist ideas and unwise methods, occasionally volunteer their services. The school authorities should be cautious. But when those who apply are intelligent and honest and above question as to their standing and judgment, school boards ought not only to consent, but to support and cooperate. A grudging consent, mixed with indifference, finds its way by capillary attraction to the school princ.i.p.als and teachers and const.i.tutes a real hindrance. When the consent of the school authorities has been obtained, the next step is the selection and training of speakers and the notification or the parents. Where permitted, the notices or invitations should be sent out by the school in which the meeting is to be held, by mail, sealed, to every home in the district whence pupils in that school come. This should be done even if the local society has to pay the postage. If the school authorities will not or cannot do this, then cards of invitation should be sent home through the pupils. In either case, the invitation should be so worded as to do no harm to the children who may read it.

Parents' meetings may be addressed by two speakers, a physician and a layman. The two speakers should get to the schoolhouse in time to see that the speaker's desk and chair are not on a high platform too far from the little group of parents. The chair and table should be brought down to the floor close to the seats and the parents brought forward. The princ.i.p.al of the school should introduce the layman, accompanying the physician, to be chairman of the evening. The chairman should make a brief address, as outlined in the syllabus provided by the Committee on Education of the Society, introducing the physician. The physician should make a brief address as outlined in the syllabus, and then, after proper explanations, the physician should resume his chair. Both physician and layman, seated, should engage in a dialogue, in which the layman should endeavor with all the intelligence, sympathy, and skill at his command to put himself in the place of the humblest parent in the room and ask such questions of the physician as such a parent might ask or ought to ask. For example:--

Layman, "Doctor, I have a little boy four years old. When ought I to talk to him about s.e.x matters?"

Physician, "When the child asks questions."

Layman, "What do you mean by that?"

Physician, "Well,--suppose the child asks where the baby came from?"

Layman, "What do you say if the child asks that?"

Physician, "I would tell it that the baby grows in its mother's body,"

etc.

Layman, "I have a little boy eight years old to whom I have never talked about these things. What do you advise?"

Physician, "I would take the first opportunity, some time when the boy is not likely to be interrupted. Refer to some newly arrived or expected baby and tell him frankly where the baby comes from."

Layman, "But Doctor, I have already told him that a stork brought the baby."

Physician, "Then tell him you told him that as a fairy story like the Santa Claus story, but that now he is old enough to know the truth.

Then tell him the truth."

Layman, "But I find it hard to talk about these things and I am afraid my child might ask me questions I could not answer."

Physician, "There are books, a list of which will be handed you, which you can read, and parts or all of which you can read to your child."

Layman, "What if my child asks me a question I can't answer."

Physician, "Don't dodge or evade. If you must postpone an answer, do so frankly with a promise that when you can you will answer, or that you will put him in the way of getting good information by reading or otherwise."

This conversation should be extended to apply to adolescent boys and girls and to young men and women. Enough has been given to show the nature and spirit of the dialogue. The people's interest never flags. The layman must ask all the strategic questions, and he must keep at it until he gets answers in simple, understandable terms. If the physician uses "function"

or "cooordinate" or "p.u.b.erty" or "adolescence" or other academic terms, the layman must force simple words at every turn; and in any attempts to describe what a parent should say to a child, the layman should take care that a child's comprehension is reached and that the parent is guided as, to vocabulary. Both speakers should lift the level of their counsels above that of mere physical prudence; they should explain and duly emphasize the moral issue.

FOOTNOTES:

[40] A cla.s.sified bibliography is provided at the end of this volume.

CHAPTER IX

TEACHING PHASES: FOR BOYS

_By Harry H. Moore_

The adolescent boy is the hope of our race. He is the man in the making.

Whether he is to be a constructive force, a nonent.i.ty, or a destructive force depends largely on influences during this period. In adolescence the processes of destruction are quick and sudden. Statistics of reformatories and prisons show that either crime itself or the moral breakdown which leads to crime begins in boyhood. A study of the lives of great constructive characters shows that their success was largely determined by influences during this period. Certainly, there is no more important task for our nation than the training of our boys.

Adolescence begins at p.u.b.erty, the transition period during which the s.e.x functions come into full prominence. Its beginning is marked by great physical changes. There are also mental and psychic changes. This fuller development of s.e.x means for the youth new power, new emotion, new capacities for enjoyment of life. At this time the will should emerge as an a.s.set of character. The boy now desires more knowledge of the new world in which he finds himself. He wants to see it by day and by night. He wants to be physically active, or entertained. He belongs to some sort of gang and is loyal to it. His is an age of hero worship.

If the knowledge and the entertainment he finds is wholesome, if the gang is a good one, if the hero is a n.o.ble character, if, with emotion and new powers, there is also a strong will, all goes well. But if these influences are not helpful and the will is weak, the result may be quickly disastrous.[41]

Inquiry into the lives of any considerable number of adolescent boys leads one to believe that there exists what almost might be called a conspiracy of silence, misinformation, and bad influence against most boys of this age. Parents for the most part either evade or answer untruthfully the questions of their six-, seven-, and eight-year-old boys regarding birth and reproduction. From this time on, nearly all boys receive many false and low ideas regarding s.e.x, marriage, and the relationship between men and women.

After the stork story, there come incorrect versions of reproduction from boy companions. Then come notes at school, picture cards, comic weeklies, quack advertis.e.m.e.nts, and unwholesome vaudeville acts. These destructive influences come, for the most part, entirely unsolicited, in response to a normal desire for knowledge and clean entertainment. Boys seldom go to their first shows to see what is vulgar or sensual. They go for clean fun, gymnastics, magicians, and other legitimate amus.e.m.e.nts. The unwholesome features are thrust upon them.

As a result of these influences on the impressionable mind of the growing boy, he comes to regard s.e.x as low and vile instead of sacred. He acquires a vulgar vocabulary which he necessarily uses in his thinking and sometimes in his conversation. The silence and evasive answers of adults withhold healthful knowledge and increase curiosity. Curiosity often leads to investigation, which often results disastrously.

The specific evil results are of three kinds: (1) masturbation; (2) needless mental suffering due largely to ignorance; (3) illicit intercourse.

Masturbation is prevalent among boys. Two hundred and thirty-two replies were received to a question asked college students regarding their severest temptations of school days. Of these, one hundred and thirty-two said that masturbation had been one of their severest temptations and one hundred and thirty-one said they had yielded to it.[42] Similar inquiries have brought similar results. The sum total of vitality lost to humanity by this practice is great.

There is much needless mental suffering among boys and young men due to ignorance and false ideas advanced by quacks. Groundless fear, brooding anxiety, and despair sometimes start before adolescence and often last into the twenties. Physical peculiarities of no consequence sometimes cause boys to fear that they are abnormal. Unaware of the fact that spontaneous nocturnal emissions are to be expected, many suffer mental anguish. According to one writer, a single New York dealer had 3,000,000 "confidential" letters, "written to advertising medical companies and doctors, mostly by youth with their heart's blood."[43] Large sums of money are obtained by quacks everywhere for treating normal conditions.

Many men have applied to the Advisory Department of the Oregon State Board of Health after years of worry. Although those who apply are no longer boys, most of their troubles began in boyhood. A large proportion of the suffering could have been avoided by simple instruction in s.e.xual hygiene.

Social vice often occurs in adolescent boyhood, both as a direct result of unmastered pa.s.sion and as an indirect result of individual vice. In some cases, the habits a boy forms in his early 'teens make him a subject of venereal disease in later life. A doctor writes, "I am aware that it is popularly supposed that self-abuse and s.e.xual intercourse are antagonistic--by many, the one is regarded as a necessary alternative of the other. So far from being a protective, the former is a most powerful provocative of the latter. According to my own observation, it is not the strongly s.e.xed, the most virile young men, who are most given to licentiousness, but those whose organs have been rendered weak and irritable from this unnatural exercise--in whom the habit of sensual indulgence has been set up, and in whom self-control has not been developed by exercise."[44] This combination of silence, misinformation, and bad influence causes a d.a.m.nable att.i.tude of mind on the part of the boy toward women, love, marriage, and the home.[45]

The experience of a Chicago business man with his sixteen-year-old son is told in a recent popular magazine. Whether an actual occurrence or not, it is typical of conditions in most any city.

I do not desire to convey the idea that our boy was a wicked boy. He was not. He was just the average type of what we call the "upper middle-cla.s.s" boy. He was merely tuned to the low moral tone of the city. Vice to him was not a monster of hideous mien. He had seen it from childhood.... I knew that a greater part of his ideas on patriotism, on women, on the sanct.i.ty of marriage were but reflections of views he had heard expressed, often tritely and cleverly, and cynicism born of hearing such things flaunted over the footlights or dished out as "clever" in the newspapers.

In the father's earnest efforts to understand the remedy for the situation, he is reminded of his own experience when he began life in the city. He continues:--