The So-called Human Race Part 4

THE POPOCATEPETL OF APPRECIATION.

[From the Paris, Ill., News.]

For the past seven days I have been in inmate at the county jail, and through the columns of the Daily News I wish to express my thanks and appreciation to Sheriff and Mrs. McCallister and Mr. McDaniel for the kindness shown to me. I have been in jail before, here and at other places, and never found a like inst.i.tution kept in such a sanitary condition. The food prepared by Mrs. McCallister was excellent. In my opinion Mr. McCallister is ent.i.tled to any office.

May Claybaugh.

A copy of the second edition of The Ozark Harpist is received. The Harpist is Alys Hale, who sings on the flyleaf:

"Sing on, my harp, Sing on some more and ever, For sweet souls are breaking, And fond hearts are aching, Sing on some more and ever!"

We quite agree with Mr. Masefield that great literary work requires leisure. Lack of leisure is handicapping us in the writing of a romance.

We compose it while waiting for trains, while shoveling snow and coal, while riding on the L, while shaving; and we write it on the backs of envelopes, on the covering of packages, on the margins of newspapers.

The best place to write a book is in jail, where Cervantes wrote Don Quixote; but we can't find time to commit a greater misdemeanor than this column, and there is no jail sentence for that. The only compensation for the literary method we are forced to adopt is that there is a great deal of "go" in it.

Replying to an extremely dear reader: Whenever we animadvert on the human race we include ourself. We share its imperfections, and we hope we are tinctured with its few virtues. As a race it impresses us as a flivver; we feel as you, perhaps, feel in your club when, looking over the members, you wonder how the d.i.c.kens most of them got in.

Prof. Pickering is quoted as declaring that a race of superior beings inhabits the moon. Now we are far from claiming that the inhabitants of our geoid are superior to the moon folk, or any other folk in the solar system; but the mere fact that the Moonians are able to exist in conditions peculiar to themselves does not make them superior. The whale can live under water. Is the whale, then, superior to, say, Senator Johnson? True, it can spout farther, but it is probably inferior to Mr.

Johnson in reasoning power.

The man who tells you that he believes "in principles, not men,"

means--nothing at all. One would think that in the beginning G.o.d created a set of principles, and man was without form and void.

"Lost--Pair of trousers while shopping. Finder call Dinsmore 1869."--Minneapolis Journal.

The female of the shopping species is rougher and more ruthless than the male.

"Ancient Rome, in the height of her glory, with her lavish amus.e.m.e.nts, Olympian games," etc.--The enraptured advertiser.

The proof reader asks us if it was an eruption of Mt. Olympus that destroyed Pompeii.

GARDENS.

My lady hath a garden fair, Wherein she whiles her hours: She chides me that I do not share Her rage for springing flowers.

I tell her I've a garden, too, Wherein I have to toil-- The kind that Epicurus knew, If not so good a soil.

And I must till my patch with care, And watch its daily needs; For lacking water, sun, and air, The place would run to weeds.

In this the garden of the mind, My flowers are all too few; Yet am I well content to find A modest bloom or two.

My lady hath a garden fair, Or will when buds are blown: I've but a blossom here and there-- Poor posies, but mine own.

"Very well, here is a constructive criticism," declared Col. Roosevelt, tossing another grenade into the administration trenches. The Colonel is our favorite constructive critic. After he has finished a bit of construction it takes an hour for the dust to settle.

Judgment day will be a complete performance for the dramatic critics.

They will be able to stay for the last act.

Why is it that when a woman takes the measurements for a screen door she thinks she has to allow a couple of inches to turn in?

"Woman Lights 103 Candles With One Match."

Huh! Helen, with one match, lit the topless towers of Ilium.

It may be--nay, it is--ungallant so to say, but---- Well, have you, in glancing over the beauty contest exhibits, observed a face that would launch a thousand ships? Or five hundred?

"Learn to Speak on Your Feet," advertises a university extension. We believe we could tell all we know about ours in five hundred words.

GOOD NIGHT!

[From the Omaha Bee.]

Mrs. Riley gave a retiring party in honor of her husband.

At the Hotel Dwan, in Benton Harbor, "rooms may be had en suite or connecting." Or should you prefer that they lead one into another, the management will be glad to accommodate you.