The So-called Human Race Part 22

A gentle, kindly man is he, The soul of generosity; Our little ones he gladly gives The right to split infinitives.

The boys and girls who go to school Approve of Mister Tobin's rule.

They find no cause to make complaint At learning words like das't and ain't.

Two negatives has every boy, And uses them with pride and joy And every girl has utmost skill In interchanging shall and will.

Those n.o.ble boys and girls decry The priggish use of "It is I."

If you should ask, "Who was with he?"

They'd answer simply, "It was me."

Pantaletta.

It is not nice of readers to try to take advantage of our innocence.

M. L. J., for example, writes out the valve-handle wheeze in longhand and a.s.sures us that "it is an exact copy of a letter received by a stove manufacturing company in St. Louis, from a customer in Arkansas."

VARIANT OF THE VALVE-HANDLE WHEEZE.

(_Received by a drug concern._)

Gentlemen: Your postal received, regarding an order which you sent us and which you have not, as yet, received.

Upon referring to our records, we fail to find any record of ever having received the order in question. The last order received from your firm was for a pair of flat cylindrical lenses to match broken sample you enclosed. This was taken care of the same day as received and sent on to you, properly addressed. We would suggest that you enter tracer with the postoffice department in endeavor to locate the package.

Regretting that it is necessary for us to give you this information, we remain, etc.

P. S. Since writing the above, the order in question was received at this office--this morning.

THE VALVE-HANDLE SNEEZE.

Sir: The handle on the valve is missing, and I can't turn off the radiator. The room was hot, and I've had to "open wide the windows, open wide the door." The resultant draft has just brought a series of "kerchoos" out of me. Valve-handle sneezes, I called them.

Sim Nic.

Miss Emily Davis weds Mrs. Charles Parmele.--Wilmington, N. C., Dispatch.

Why don't the men propose, mama, why don't the men propose?

THE SANDS OF TIME.

Whenever I observe a quartette of commuters at cards I regret that the hours I gave to mastering whist were not given instead to the study of Greek.

"The military salute," says our neighbor on the left, "is a courtesy of morale when it proceeds from one fighting man to another." This was impressed in 1918 upon a colored recruit who was hauled up for not saluting his s. o. His explanation was, "Ah thought you and me had got so well acquainted Ah didn't have to salute you no mo'."

THE TRUTH AT LAST!

Sir: Socrates and Epictetus did not learn Greek at 81--they were Greeks.

It was the Roman Cato who began to study Greek at 80.

C. E. C.

Now that we all know it was neither Socrates nor Epictetus who learned Greek at 81 (because, you see, being Greeks they did not have to study the language), you may like to know something about Julius Caesar. He was, narrates a high school paper, "the n.o.blest of English kings. He learned Latin late in life in order to translate an ecclesiastical work into the vernaculary of the common people."

We are reminded by our learned friend, W. F. Y., that Socrates began at 64 to study English, but had to give it up as a bad job. "The fact," he says, "is interestingly set forth in Montefiori's 'Eccentricities of Genius.'"

The att.i.tude of our universities and other quasi-educational inst.i.tutions toward Greek is that 81 is the proper age for beginning the study of it.

Breathing defiance of the Eighteenth Amendment, Jay Rye and Jewel Bacchus were married in Russellville, Ark., last Sunday.

The Wetmore Shop, on Belmont avenue, advertises "Everything for the baby."

Sir: I feel that the time has come to call your attention to a letter received from C. A. Neuenhahn, of St. Louis. It concludes CAN/IT.

A. E. W.

Persons who cannot compose 200 words of correct and smooth running English will write to a newspaper to criticize a "long and labored editorial." A labored editorial is one with which a reader does not agree.

THINK OF IT!

Take any life you choose and study it.