The Sea, The Sea Part 26

It was now about ten o'clock in the morning. It was very hot again with sounds of thunder, louder, nearer. The lightning flashes came like scarcely visible shocks. I had been visited, asked how I was, congratulated on my narrow escape. There was a slightly brusque air about these felicitations, perhaps because my friends felt they had been quite emotional enough about me last night and now felt more curt, or because they shared the doctor's view of the matter. There was in fact a slight feeling that I had caused a lot of trouble by my stupidity. An instinct which I had not yet had time to examine advised me not, or not yet, to reveal that my fall was not accidental.

In a little while I would have to decide what to do. I was sorry I could not find my precious piece of paper. But of course I had no doubt about the ident.i.ty of the murderer.

'James thinks a freak wave lifted you up,' said Lizzie.

Lizzie was looking radiant, her long frizzy hair tangled and bushy, growing like a healthy plant. She was wearing a striped shirt and lineny pants roughly cut off at the knee. Even after slimming she was a little too plump for this gear, but I did not object. Her skin shone with health. Only the tiny tight wrinkles round her eyes would have enabled one to guess her age. She shared none of the vague annoyance of the male contingent at my exploit. She was prepared to enjoy the drama in retrospect, since it had had a happy ending, and my survival had in some way increased her sense of owning me.

'It can't have done,' I said, 'the hole is too deep. Who actually pulled me out?'

'Oh everybody did. When we heard you shout we all converged, only I got there last. By then t.i.tus and James were pulling you off the bridge towards that flat rock, and Gilbert and Peregrine were helping.'

'I can imagine how helpful they were. Funny, I can't remember shouting.'

'The doctor said you might not remember things which happened just before and just after the accident. It's an effect of concussion. The brain doesn't process it or something.'

'Will the memory come back?'

'I don't know, he didn't say.'

'I remember being carried back to the house. I think I got as many bruises then as in the water. G.o.d, I'm bruised!'

'Yes, that was awful, you were like a great dark dripping sack, so heavy, heavy, and we nearly dropped you down a creva.s.se. But that was much later.' and we nearly dropped you down a creva.s.se. But that was much later.'

'How, later?'

'You don't remember James giving you the kiss of life?'

'Ah well sort of'

'You see, we thought you were drowned. He had to go on for about twenty minutes before you began to breathe properly. It was terrible terrible ' '

'Poor Lizzie. Anyway, here I still am, ready to make more trouble for all concerned. Where did you all sleep last night? This place is getting like the Raven Hotel,'

'I slept on the sofa in the middle room here, James has got your bed, Perry is in the bookroom and Gilbert is in the dining room and t.i.tus slept outside. There's just enough cushions and things to go round!'

'Fancy old James bagging my bed.'

'They felt they couldn't get you up the stairs, and anyway the fire could be lit here-'

James hasn't been to see me yet.'

'I think he's still asleep, he was rather knocked out.'

'Well, I'm sorry my misadventure spoilt the party. I can remember you singing Voi che sapete.' Voi che sapete.'

'I hoped you'd be able to hear it. Oh Charles'

'Now, Lizzie, don't please'

'Will you marry me?'

'Lizzie, do stop'

'I can cook and drive a car and I love you and I'm very good-tempered and not a bit neurotic and if you want a nurse I'll be a nurse'

'That was a joke.'

'You did care about me when you wrote'

'I was dreaming. I told you, I love somebody else.'

'Isn't that that the dream?' the dream?'

'No.'

'She's gone.'

'Yes-but now-Lizzie-I've just been given a strange marvellous sign-and the way is suddenly- open.'

'Look, it's beginning to rain.'

'Let us just love each other in a free way like I was saying yesterday.'

'If you go to her, you will never want to see me again.'

It suddenly came home to me that this was true. If I came to possess Hartley I would take her right right away. away. I would hide her, I would hide with her. I would hide her, I would hide with her.

We would not go away together, not to Paris or Rome or New York, these were unreal visions. I could not introduce Hartley to Sidney Ashe or Fritzie Eitel or smart Jeanne who now styled herself a princess. I could not even take her out to dinner with Lizzie or Peregrine or Gilbert. She was in this splendid sense insortable. insortable. Hartley and I would live alone, secretly, incognito, somewhere in England, in the country, in a little house by the sea. And she would sew and go shopping and I would do the garden and paint the hall and have all the things which I bad missed in my life. And we would gently cherish each other and there would be a vast plain goodness and a sort of s.p.a.ce and quiet, unspoilt and uncorrupted. And I would join the ordinary people and be an ordinary person, and Hartley and I would live alone, secretly, incognito, somewhere in England, in the country, in a little house by the sea. And she would sew and go shopping and I would do the garden and paint the hall and have all the things which I bad missed in my life. And we would gently cherish each other and there would be a vast plain goodness and a sort of s.p.a.ce and quiet, unspoilt and uncorrupted. And I would join the ordinary people and be an ordinary person, and rest, rest, my G.o.d how much I wanted to rest; and this would connect my end with my beginning in a way that was destined and proper. This, just this, was what all my instincts were seeking when I amazed everybody by giving up my work and coming here, my G.o.d how much I wanted to rest; and this would connect my end with my beginning in a way that was destined and proper. This, just this, was what all my instincts were seeking when I amazed everybody by giving up my work and coming here, here. here. Hartley and I would be alone together and see almost n.o.body and our faithfulness to each other would be remade and the old early innocent world would quietly rea.s.semble itself round about us. Hartley and I would be alone together and see almost n.o.body and our faithfulness to each other would be remade and the old early innocent world would quietly rea.s.semble itself round about us.

Lizzie, to whom I uttered none of the above, went away at last. I could see that she was sustained by hope; whatever I said she could not altogether believe in Hartley. The others looked in, at least Peregrine, Gilbert and t.i.tus did. No one now talked of departure. It looked as if the holiday was to continue. What other joys would it provide? I asked for James but Gilbert told me that James was still resting upstairs, in my bed, suffering from total exhaustion. He had perhaps got a chill out on the rocks, leaning over my dripping and apparently lifeless body.

The rain came down, straight and silvery, like a punishment of steel rods. It clattered onto the house and onto the rocks and pitted the sea. The thunder made some sounds like grand pianos falling downstairs, then settled to a softer continuous rumble, which was almost drowned by the sound of the rain. The flashes of lightning joined into long illuminations which made the gra.s.s a lurid green, the rocks a blazing ochre yellow, as yellow as Gilbert's car. Tension and excitement and a kind of fear filled the house, the aftermath of my mishap now somehow being enacted by the elements. I rose from my armchair and said I would go to see James, but was told he was sleeping. Gilbert reported that the rain was coming down the stairs into the bathroom. I got as far as the kitchen and then felt giddy. My body was horribly bruised and deeply deeply cold, and I returned to the fire. As it appeared to be lunch time I ate some soup and then said I wanted to be alone and to rest. I sat in my armchair covered in blankets and began to think. The rain made so much noise that I could not hear the sea.

My a.s.sailant was of course Ben, there could be no possible doubt of that. His last words to me had been 'I'll kill you'. What made me the more certain was that I had myself drawn Ben's attention to this particular spot as an excellent place for a murder. I had myself felt the impulse to push him in and he had certainly perceived my thought. There was even a certain element of nemesis involved. And that he should act now now was a psychological probability. He had put up with a humiliating a.s.sault which, when he reflected upon it afterwards, his pride could not tolerate or endure. Was the act premeditated? Had he waited, hidden beside the bridge? Or had he come snooping to indulge his private hate, and then seen this irresistible opportunity? Whichever it was, he must have felt certain of doing the job properly. My survival was a truly amazing fluke, and, for him, a sickening portent. was a psychological probability. He had put up with a humiliating a.s.sault which, when he reflected upon it afterwards, his pride could not tolerate or endure. Was the act premeditated? Had he waited, hidden beside the bridge? Or had he come snooping to indulge his private hate, and then seen this irresistible opportunity? Whichever it was, he must have felt certain of doing the job properly. My survival was a truly amazing fluke, and, for him, a sickening portent.

But what next? What do you do in a civilized society when someone tries to kill you? I could not involve the law, and not only because there was no proof. I could not accuse Hartley's husband in a law court or let the law's vulgarities touch this situation. Neither would I consider going round with my friends and doing Ben a mischief. I wanted somehow to confront him, but the confrontation by itself would be merely a luxury, much as I should enjoy effacing the servile impression which I had made in my last interview with Ben. I must do something with what I knew, and with what I now was: was: a survivor with a moral fury and a motive. That was what I had meant when I had spoken to Lizzie of a strange marvellous sign. The G.o.ds who preserved me had opened a door and intended me to go through it. The problem was the same, only the light was different. I must get Hartley away, get her a survivor with a moral fury and a motive. That was what I had meant when I had spoken to Lizzie of a strange marvellous sign. The G.o.ds who preserved me had opened a door and intended me to go through it. The problem was the same, only the light was different. I must get Hartley away, get her to myself to myself, and awaken her, make her quiver and twitch with a sense of possible freedom. Yes, aloneness was the key, I understood that now. I must be alone with her soon, and then thereafter, forever. When she had been my prisoner how humiliated she must have been by the presence of other people in the house. There must There must be no more witnesses. be no more witnesses. I would tell her that. She did not have to join my grand intimidating alien world. To wed his beggar maid the king would, and how gladly, become a beggar too. The vision of that healing humility would henceforth be my guide. This was indeed the very condition other freedom, why had I not seen this before? I would at last see her face changing. It was, I found, a part of my thought of the future that when she was with me Hartley would actually regain much other old beauty: like a prisoner released from a labour camp who at first looks old, but then with freedom and rest and good food soon becomes young again. The pain and anxiety would leave her face and she would be calm and beautiful; and I saw that rejuvenated face shining like a lamp out of the future. When I had left the theatre I had desired a solitude: now it was set before me in the very form of my Beatrice. Only here was happiness for me an innocent and permissible goal, even an ideal. Everywhere else where I had pursued it it had proved either a will-o'-the-wisp or a form of corruption. To find one's true mate is to find the one person with whom happiness is purely innocent: I would tell her that. She did not have to join my grand intimidating alien world. To wed his beggar maid the king would, and how gladly, become a beggar too. The vision of that healing humility would henceforth be my guide. This was indeed the very condition other freedom, why had I not seen this before? I would at last see her face changing. It was, I found, a part of my thought of the future that when she was with me Hartley would actually regain much other old beauty: like a prisoner released from a labour camp who at first looks old, but then with freedom and rest and good food soon becomes young again. The pain and anxiety would leave her face and she would be calm and beautiful; and I saw that rejuvenated face shining like a lamp out of the future. When I had left the theatre I had desired a solitude: now it was set before me in the very form of my Beatrice. Only here was happiness for me an innocent and permissible goal, even an ideal. Everywhere else where I had pursued it it had proved either a will-o'-the-wisp or a form of corruption. To find one's true mate is to find the one person with whom happiness is purely innocent: The immediate question however was a technical one. How to get her away? A long wait was now out of the question, since I must use my new power over Ben while it was still fresh. What I was beginning to envisage this time was not a kidnap but a bombardment. First of all I would write Hartley a letter. Then I would call with t.i.tus. Why would Ben let us in? Because he would be guilty and frightened. He would want to see what we were up to. How was he to know that there was no proof? How was he to know there had been no witness? witness? On this I paused. Well, why should there not have been a witness? I could tell him there had been a witness! I could even ask somebody (Gilbert? Perry?) to say that he had seen what happened. After all, anyone might have done, and very nearly did! That would scare him completely. Why should I not On this I paused. Well, why should there not have been a witness? I could tell him there had been a witness! I could even ask somebody (Gilbert? Perry?) to say that he had seen what happened. After all, anyone might have done, and very nearly did! That would scare him completely. Why should I not blackmail blackmail Ben into letting Hartley go? If I could only make him say: go then. How near was he in any case to saying this? Did his long silence after the kidnap perhaps mean that he was in two minds about wanting her back? If he could only consent, the chains would fall and my angel would step out free. Or if she could see him revealed as a murderer, that might bring her the blessing of a total revulsion: horror, disgust, fear, in a more effectively violent form. If only there was some genuine Ben into letting Hartley go? If I could only make him say: go then. How near was he in any case to saying this? Did his long silence after the kidnap perhaps mean that he was in two minds about wanting her back? If he could only consent, the chains would fall and my angel would step out free. Or if she could see him revealed as a murderer, that might bring her the blessing of a total revulsion: horror, disgust, fear, in a more effectively violent form. If only there was some genuine clue. clue. What on earth had I written on that piece of paper which I had so cleverly hidden from myself? What on earth had I written on that piece of paper which I had so cleverly hidden from myself?

Yes, it was vital to act soon, before Ben should have time to recover. He must be in a state of considerable shock; although unfortunately he would by now know, from the silence of his radio and television sets, that he had failed to kill famous Charles Arrowby. However, and this was now plain, I could not proceed farther than my letter to Hartley while Lizzie and James were in the house. It would be unfair to Lizzie to expect her to witness or even a.s.sist the rescue other rival. And James: well, James made moral judgments and confused me. So I would have to get rid of those two. Gilbert and Peregrine might be useful for a little while longer. And of course t.i.tus...

At this point I began to reflect and to wonder if I had not, in relation to Hartley, seriously misconceived t.i.tus's role. Would t.i.tus fit into the paradise a deux a deux which I had lately been envisaging? No. That need not matter of course. People often had to separate conjugal and filial relationships. I would have a quite separate connection with t.i.tus; and indeed he had already indicated that that was what he wanted. But still I had a.s.sumed that Hartley would which I had lately been envisaging? No. That need not matter of course. People often had to separate conjugal and filial relationships. I would have a quite separate connection with t.i.tus; and indeed he had already indicated that that was what he wanted. But still I had a.s.sumed that Hartley would want want t.i.tus in the picture somehow. Was this a wrong a.s.sumption? And at about that moment the young man himself came through the door. I had not had a peaceful serious talk with t.i.tus for some rime, and I blamed myself. Quite apart from my concern with Hartley, I was absolutely committed to the boy, he was literally a 'G.o.dsend'. It remained to be seen how far I could, with him, make sense of the role of 'father'. I had by now been made aware that Gilbert, and even Peregrine, saw my relation with t.i.tus in quite another light! t.i.tus in the picture somehow. Was this a wrong a.s.sumption? And at about that moment the young man himself came through the door. I had not had a peaceful serious talk with t.i.tus for some rime, and I blamed myself. Quite apart from my concern with Hartley, I was absolutely committed to the boy, he was literally a 'G.o.dsend'. It remained to be seen how far I could, with him, make sense of the role of 'father'. I had by now been made aware that Gilbert, and even Peregrine, saw my relation with t.i.tus in quite another light!

During my reflections the rain had stopped and between lumpy dark grey leaden clouds the sun was managing to shine upon an extremely wet world. The lawn was waterlogged, the rocks contrived to look like sponges. Upstairs I could hear Gilbert and Lizzie shouting to each other, the former up in the attics inspecting the roof, the latter in the bathroom mopping up the flood. When t.i.tus appeared I decided to go outside to avoid interruption and ensure privacy. I was a bit stronger and the giddiness had not returned. But as he helped me slowly over the rocks I felt like an old person; and when we reached Minn's bridge I could hardly bring myself to cross it. How How had I survived that deep pit, those smooth walls, that ferocious water? had I survived that deep pit, those smooth walls, that ferocious water?

The rocks were beginning to steam in the sun. It was as if there were hot springs everywhere. We sat down on towels which sensible t.i.tus had brought from the kitchen, on a rock overlooking Raven Bay, not far from where I had sat with James. The sea, although it looked calm because it was so exceedingly glossy and smooth after the rain, was in a quietly dangerously violent mood, coining in in large sleek humpbacked waves which showed no trace of foam until they met the rocks in a creamy swirl. The sun continued to shine although a grey sheet of rain now obscured the horizon. A rainbow joined the land and the sea. Raven Bay was a bottle green colour which I had never seen it wear before. I wondered for a moment where Rosina was.

We had made our climb in silence and a kind of silence held us still. I kept looking at him and he kept gazing at the bay. His handsome face had an expression of discontent, the sulky shapeless look of youth was upon his mouth. The hare lip scar was deepening, seeming to pulsate, opening and closing a little with some perhaps unconscious lifelong habitual movement. His hair was extremely tangled and untidy.

t.i.tus.'

'Yes.'

'Can you call me 'Charles'? Could you get used to it? I feel it would help us both.'

'OK, Charles.'

't.i.tusIYou are very important to me and I need you'

t.i.tus worked at his scar, then put a finger on it to stop its little quivering. It only then occurred to me that t.i.tus might have been reflecting on those ambiguities in our relationship which struck Gilbert so much, might indeed have been put in mind of them by some crude jest of Gilbert's. I had not thought of this fairly obvious idea before partly because I had been distracted from t.i.tus, partly because I had somehow spread over him a canopy of innocence which derived from the suffering Hartley.

'Don't misunderstand me,' I added.

t.i.tus's moist discontented mouth twitched in a smile or sneer.

I went on, 'I want to tell you something.' I had suddenly decided that I must tell t.i.tus about Ben's attempt to kill me.

'If it's about Mary'

'Yes' I had not talked to t.i.tus since the awful scene at Nibletts when the 'delegation' brought the erring wife back to the hateful husband.

'All that makes me sick. I'm sorry, forgive me. But I just don't want to be involved. I left home so as not to be bothered bothered with muddles like that, I with muddles like that, I hate hate muddles, and I've had them all my life with those two, muddle, muddle, muddle. They're not bad people really, they've just got no sense of how to live a human life.' muddles, and I've had them all my life with those two, muddle, muddle, muddle. They're not bad people really, they've just got no sense of how to live a human life.'

' She She's not a bad person, I agree'

'I can't tell you how sick I felt when we went over to their place in the car, I wish to G.o.d I hadn't come and seen it all, now I'll never forget it. I felt so humiliated. Mary was being treated like a bit of property or a child. You mustn't interfere in other people's lives, especially married people. That's in a way why marriage is so awful, awful, I can't think how anyone dares to do it. You've got to leave them alone. They've got their own way of hating each other and hurting each other, they enjoy it.' I can't think how anyone dares to do it. You've got to leave them alone. They've got their own way of hating each other and hurting each other, they enjoy it.'

'If it's so awful one ought ought to interfere. You mustn't be so cynical and pessimistic.' to interfere. You mustn't be so cynical and pessimistic.'

'I'm not not cynical and pessimistic, that's the cynical and pessimistic, that's the point, point, I don't I don't care, care, you think I think about it, I don't, I don't want to you think I think about it, I don't, I don't want to see, see, I don't want to I don't want to know, know, I don't care a f.u.c.k about their b.l.o.o.d.y misery!' I don't care a f.u.c.k about their b.l.o.o.d.y misery!'

'Well, I do, and I'm going to get your mother out of it, I'm going to get her right out.' out.'

'You tried, and she just squealed to go home. I'd have let her walk. Sorry, I don't mean that. You made a mistake, mistake, that's all, now forget it. Honestly, I can't understand why you should want her, I mean I can't see it, is it sentimental or Salvation Army or somethingyou can't want someone like that, I don't see it, I don't get the point. There's that woman Lizzie Scherer who seems to like you a lot, and Rosina Vamburgh' that's all, now forget it. Honestly, I can't understand why you should want her, I mean I can't see it, is it sentimental or Salvation Army or somethingyou can't want someone like that, I don't see it, I don't get the point. There's that woman Lizzie Scherer who seems to like you a lot, and Rosina Vamburgh'

'I happen to love your mother.'

'Ohloveyou mean'

'You may be too young to understand.'

'I suppose it's natural for me to be interested in girls in a normal way. When you're old I daresay it may be different.'

I was stiff and bruised. It had been foolish to come so far. I was feeling tired, weak and exasperated. t.i.tus's sheer youth, his unspoilt youthful hopeful strength annoyed me to the point of screaming. His long bare brown legs, covered with reddish hairs, emerging from his roughly rolled-up trousers annoyed me. I felt I was losing touch with him, might be sharp with him and then be reduced to making an appeal.

'I'm sorry it all upsets you so. I partly understand. But I do want your help, well, your support. And I want to tell you something rather important about your father.'

'About Ben. Not my father. G.o.d knows who my father is. I'll never know. Look, don't let's talk about Ben, he bores me. I'm not happy about this thing'

'What thing are we onto now?'

'This thing between you and me. Let's forget about them. Let's talk about you and me.'

'OK. I want to talk about that too. t.i.tus, I'm not trying to kidnap you? you?

'Yes, I know'

'We're free, we two, in relation to each other. There's no need to define things.'

' "Father" is a definition, I should think!'

'It's an idea. Let's just be friends if you prefer it. Let's wait and see. You know there's nothing sort ofsinisterhereyou know what I mean'

'Oh I know that that!'

'I just want to feel that there's a bond, a special relationship, a special connection.'

'I don't see why,' said t.i.tus. 'Sorry, I'm being ungratefuland I've been here and eaten your food and drunk your drink I knowbut knowbut I've been thinkingafter all, why should you bother about me? If you'd been my real father, great, though even then well, anyway what I wanted to say was this. I've enjoyed meeting you, I've enjoyed being here, in spite of the horrors. Later on I'll maybe think: that was a good time, yes, good. But I want to earn my own living and lead my own life and I want to do it in the theatre. I'm not a silly stage-struck kid, I don't imagine I'll be a star, I don't even know yet if I'll be any good at acting, but I want to work with theatre people, I guess that's my scene. This place is fine for a holiday, but I want to get back to London where the real things happen.' I've been thinkingafter all, why should you bother about me? If you'd been my real father, great, though even then well, anyway what I wanted to say was this. I've enjoyed meeting you, I've enjoyed being here, in spite of the horrors. Later on I'll maybe think: that was a good time, yes, good. But I want to earn my own living and lead my own life and I want to do it in the theatre. I'm not a silly stage-struck kid, I don't imagine I'll be a star, I don't even know yet if I'll be any good at acting, but I want to work with theatre people, I guess that's my scene. This place is fine for a holiday, but I want to get back to London where the real things happen.'

'Don't real things happen here?'

'Ohyou know what I mean. Where does your cousin live?'

'In London.' Again the bite of the serpent of jealousy. Had James got t.i.tus on a lead? There had seemed to be a bond between them from the start. I said quickly, 'Please don't talk to any of the others about, you know'

'Of course not, not a word, you don't have to say that, for Christ's sake!'

'Good-'

'The thing is, I don't want you to feel any special obligation to me. If you have obligations I'll have to have obligations. I don't want to live here at your expense any longer, I want to get cracking. I don't mind your helping me a bit if you like. Maybe you could help me get into an acting school. If I could get a place in a school I could get a grant and I'd be independent.

Maybe it's a bit of a fiddle to ask you to get me in, but I don't mind fiddling that much. Then I can be on my own and we can be friends or whatever you want, but I've got to be on my own, see?'

How weak and helpless I felt before that brutal innocent free power. He would wriggle away before I had even learnt how to love him or learnt the trick of holding him.

'Yes, I'll help you into an acting school, but we'll have to think about it. I'll come with you to London later on. Meanwhile maybe you can help me here. But I want to tell you something about Ben, something that you ought to know. You say he's not a bad person, but he is. He's a wicked violent man. He tried to kill me.' I wanted to impress t.i.tus and to shake his appalling detachment.

'To kill you? How?'

'He pushed me in. I didn't fall accidentally into that sea hole.

He pushed me.'

t.i.tus showed little emotion. He leaned forward scratching an insect bite on his ankle. 'Did you see him?'

'No, but I felt him!'

'How do you know it was him?'

'Who else could it have been? He said he'd kill me the last time we met!'