The Sea, The Sea Part 10

'Hartley, don't. What is there to explain? Everything is explained already. I love you. You're here. You love me, you need me. Don't resist. Let's go away to London, tomorrow morning, tonight. Never mind about clothes. I'll buy you clothes. You're my wife now.'

I held her at arm's length, gripping her shoulder with one hand, while with the other I moved the candle so that it illuminated her face. The eyes were thickly encased in wrinkles, the eyelids were brown and pitted as if stained, the cheeks were flabby and soft, not rounded, and faintly pink, perhaps with hastily-applied powder. Her short grey undulating hair was dry and brittle-looking, no doubt from years and years of absent-minded visits to inept hairdressers. Now she was past caring about it, and a forgotten slide hung down from the end of one twisted tress. The face was dry, dry, save where her tongue now moistened her unpainted lips, and where her blue eyes, those strangely timeless pools, were moist and now suddenly full of unshed tears. She moved her shoulder, pulling weakly away, and I released her. It was the first time since our reunion that I had really studied her face, and I felt with a deep triumphant joy how really unchanged that dear face was, and how little it mattered to my love that she was old. Now too I saw in her face, though it looked both anxious and sad, something of the animation of youth. I recognized, and realized how much I had forgotten, the shape of her mouth, so much prettier without the lipstick. I kissed her gently, briefly, on the familiar mouth, as we used to kiss; and there was an intelligence in her quiet negative reception of the kiss which was itself a communication. She said, 'I've changed so much, I'm a different person, you were so kind in your letter, but it can't be like thatyou care about old times, but that's not me'

'It is you. I recognized you in the kiss.' It was true. The kiss had transfigured her, like a kiss in a fairy tale. I remembered the feel, the texture, the movement of her mouth; and all that awkwardness was gone, that sense which I had had in the church of the impossibility of holding her. Our bodies were suddenly in tension in the same s.p.a.ce, moved by the same forces. When I felt this I wanted to shout with joy, but I kept a quiet tone, wanting to coax her into speech, not wanting to affright her. 'Hartley, it's a miracle, I gave up the theatre, I came here to solitude, and I found youI came here for for you, I realize it now' you, I realize it now'

'But you didn't know I was here'

'No, yet I'd been searching for you, I've always been searching for you.'

She said, 'It can't be like that,' and lifted up her hand as if to conceal her face. Then she put her hand on the table where I covered it firmly with mine. 'Charles, listen, I must talk to you, there's so little time.' With the back of her other hand she touched her eyes, and caused the unshed tears to fall. Then she said, 'Oh Charles, my dear, my dear,' and bowed her head and thrust it towards me with a doglike movement. I stroked the dry brittle hair, I gently undid the hanging slide and put it in the pocket of my trousers.

'You'll stay with me forever now, Hartley.'

She raised her head and mopped her eyes again, this time with the sleeve of the green cotton coat which she was wearing over the yellow dress which I had seen before.

'Hartley, take off your coat, I want to see you, I want to touch you, take it off.'

'No, it's cold here.'

I pulled at the coat and she took it off. There was an intense charm in these movements, as if they were the merest innocent spiritual symbol of undressing a woman, something that angels might play at without quite understanding. I touched her b.r.e.a.s.t.s where they pressed warmly, firmly against the yellow stuff of the round-necked dress. I was delighted by the absence of any attempt to attract. This was a novelty in my life. The face powder was a careless habit, the dress was sloppy, nothing. The new unpainted lips were, I felt, alone a tribute to me. A woman who has long stopped working on her appearance cannot suddenly become smart and sleek. I was delighted that Hartley, as she was, attracted me. I felt proud, possessive, relieved, as if some life-long terror had been removed. And I thought: I'll buy her such lovely clothesnot flashy-smart, but just right for her. I'll look after look after her. her.

'Charles, I must just talk to you quickly, I just came to talk, after your letter, before he comes back-'

'Where is he?' I had forgotten his existence.

'He's at his woodwork.'

'Woodwork?'

'Yes, his woodwork cla.s.s. It's a boat-building cla.s.s really, only they do woodwork, I don't think he'll ever build a boat. It's shelves this week. It's the only evening he's out so I had to come now. They go on till quite late, I think they drink beer afterwards.'

'I don't want to talk about him,' I said. And I thought, if only I had a car and could drive, I'd take her right away now, this instant instant.

'Charles, listen, please, I haven't come to you like you think, like you said in the letter you wanted, that isn't possible. I've just come to tell you some things andoh Charlesit's so extraordinary to see you. I thought it could never be, that it was a sort of impossibility of the world, that we two could ever be together again. I never thought I ever wouldsee you again and touch youit's like a dream.'

'That's better. Only it's not a dream. Your life without me has been a dream. You are awaking from a dream, a nightmare. Oh why did you ever leave me, how could you have done, I nearly died of grief'

'We can't talk about that now'

'Yes we can, I want to talk about the old days, I want us to remember everything, to understand everything, to relive everything, to establish ourselves together as one being, one being that ought never to have been divided. Why did you leave me, Hartley, why did you run away?'

'I don't know, I can't remember'

'You must remember. It's like a riddle. You've got to remember.'

'I can't, I can't'

'Hartley, you've got to. You said that I wouldn't be faithful to you. Was it really that? You can't have thought that, you knew how much I loved you!'

'You went to London.'

'Yes, but I had to, I wasn't leaving you, I thought about you all the time, you know that, I wrote to you every day. It wasn't anyone else, was it? It wasn't him him?' Strangely enough this terrible thought had only just this moment come to me.

'No.'

'Hartley, did you know him then, did you know him before you left me?'

'I can't remember.'

'Of course you can remember!'

'Please stop, please.'

The way she spoke these words, almost mechanically, with a kind of evasive animal instinct, words so like those which I had overheard her say so recently, made me want to cry out with pain and rage and a sort of awful pity for her.

'Did you know him then?'

'It doesn't matter.'

'It does matter, every little tiny thing matters and must be found again and must be picked up and must be redeemed, we've got to relive the past and clarify it and purify it, we've got to save each other at last, to make each other whole again, don't you see'

'I didn't know him then, he was sort of engaged to one of my cousins, to Edna, you remember, well, no, you won't, and then she dropped him and I felt sorry for him'

'But where did you meet him, was it after you ran away?'

'Yes, I went away to one of my aunties at Stoke-on-Trent, where Edna was. I didn't know him when we were together. It wasn't that, it wasn't anything, I didn't want you to be an actor, it wasn't anything, please don't.'

'But, Hartley, do be calm and answer my questions, I'm not angry with you and it is important. You didn't want me to be an actor! You never said so.'

'I did, I wanted you to go to the university.'

'But, Hartley, it can't have been just that.'

'It wasn't just just anything, oh don't upset me so, we were too much like brother and sister and you were so sort of bossy and I decided I didn't want to.' Some tears spilled again. 'Have you got a handkerchief?' anything, oh don't upset me so, we were too much like brother and sister and you were so sort of bossy and I decided I didn't want to.' Some tears spilled again. 'Have you got a handkerchief?'

I brought her a clean tea towel and she wearily wiped her eyes, her face, her neck. A b.u.t.ton had come off the tight yellow dress at her breast. I had an impulse to grab her and tear the dress. I sat down again. 'Hartley, if you had all these misgivings why didn't you utter them? We could have done something about it. It was so terrible to go away without a word, it was wicked.'

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I had to go like that, it was the only way, it wasn't easy. Oh it's cold, it's so cold, I must put my coat on again.' She put it on and pulled it round her, turning up the collar.

'How can it have happened, you can't simply have decided, there must be something else, something you haven't told me. Do you remember that day'

'Charles, there isn't time, and I really can't remember. It's so long ago, it's a lifetime ago.'

'To me it's yesterday. I've been living with it ever since, reliving it and recalling it and going over and over it and wondering what went wrong and what happened to you and where you were. I think I've wondered where you were every day of my life. And I've been alone all this time, I've stayed in freedom, because of you. It's yesterday, Hartley. That was the only real time I ever lived through.'

'Alone. I'm sorry.'

It took me a moment to realize that she was not being sarcastic. Alone? Well, yes. Her tone suggested that she had not imagined, not speculated.

'You say you just decided you didn't want me, but that isn't an explanation, I want to know'

'Oh stopit just didn't happen. If I'd loved you enough I would have married you, if you'd loved me enough you would have married me. There aren't any reasons.'

'You say if I'd loved you enoughDon't drive me mad! I loved you to the limit, I still do, I tried to the limit, I didn't run away, I didn't marry anyone else, it was all your fault, you'll drive me crazy if you start'

'We mustn't talk of these thingswe're just sort ofplunging aboutand it doesn't mean anything now. Look, I must tell you certain things tell you certain things only you won't only you won't listen listen'

I thought, I mustn't go mad with emotion, I must stop questioning her now, though I will will find out, I will. 'Hartley, have some wine.' I poured out a gla.s.s of the Spanish wine and she began mechanically to sip it. 'Have an olive.' find out, I will. 'Hartley, have some wine.' I poured out a gla.s.s of the Spanish wine and she began mechanically to sip it. 'Have an olive.'

'I don't like olives, they're sour. Please listen to me'

'I'm sorry it's so cold here, this house manages to be cold even whenAll right, you tell me things. But just remember, you're here and you stay staywhatever happened or didn't happen in the past you belong to me now. But tell me one thing, that night when you were on the road here and that car shone its lights on you, were you coming to see me then, that night?'

'n.o.but II just wanted to look at your house. It was a woodwork night, you see.'

'You wanted to look at my house. To stand in the road and look at the lighted windows. Oh my dear, you do love me, you can't help it.'

'Charles, it doesn't matter'

'What do you mean, you'll make me mad again!'

'There isn't any place, any possibility, any sort ofstructure everything's broken down, you'll understand when I've told youwhat I came to tell you'

'All right, I'll listen now, but first let me kiss you. Then everything will be well. The kiss of peace.' I leaned over and very gently but persistingly let my dry lips touch her wet lips. How different different kisses are. This was a sort of holy kiss. We both closed our eyes. 'OK, now go on.' I filled up her wine gla.s.s. My hand was shaking and the wine splashed on the table.

She said again, 'There's so little time, and we've spent some of it.' Then she said, 'Oh G.o.d, I haven't got my watch with me, what time is it?'

I looked at my watch. It was a quarter to ten. I said, 'It's ten past nine.'

'Charles, it's about t.i.tus.'

' t.i.tus t.i.tus?' t.i.tus? I had given no serious thought to t.i.tus, and I felt dismayed.

'Yes, now I want to tell you. Oh G.o.d I feel drunk already, I'm not used to wine. I must tell you. I've sometimes thought, since I saw you in the village, that perhaps you could help somehow, but really you can only help by keeping away, by keeping right away'

'That's nonsense'

'You see, I told you t.i.tus was adopted'

'Yes, yes'

'We hoped for a child, Ben wanted one, so did I, and we waited. And then I wanted to adopt and he didn't, he kept hoping. And I began to be so anxious because of the time limit, they only let you adopt if you're under a certain age, even then I had to lie about my age. Ben's younger than me and with him it was'

'Is he? I thought he was in the war.'

'He was, but only in the later part'

'What did he do in the war?'

'He was in the infantry. He doesn't talk about it much. He was captured, he was in a prisoner of war camp.'

'I was in ENSA-'

'I think he quite enjoyed the war, he saw himself as a soldier. He kept his army revolver, he was so fond of it, he wasn't supposed to. He never really settled down in civilian life. Sometimes he says, "Roll on the next war." '

'But you were married then, when he was a prisoner? Where were you?'

'I was living in Leicester, on a housing estate. I worked as a clerk in the ration book office. It was a lonely time.'

It was a lonely time. So when I was frigging around with Clement and travelling the counties in a bus to bring theatre to the war effort. Hartley was unhappy and alone alone. Christ, I even went to Leicester. 'Oh my G.o.d'

'But listen, about t.i.tusyou see, I did at last, at the last moment as it were, persuade Ben that we should adopt. He didn't really want to, but he did it because, I suppose, he saw what a state I was inI was nearlyI was nearlyI was very upsetand really I arranged it all, I did it all, all the formalities, all the papers and so on, and Ben just signed the things without looking, he did it in a dream, he didn't want to know. I could see he was unhappy about it, but I thought thatwhen the little baby was therehe'd love iteverything would be differentand we'd all be happy'

'Don't cry. Hartley darling, here, let me hold your hand, I'll look after you now'

't.i.tus was such a poor little mite, with a hare lip, they had to operate'

'Yes, yes, stop crying and get on with the story, if you must tell it.'

'Now I made a great mistake'

'Hartley, don't grieve so, I can't bear it, have some more wine'

'I made a terrible terrible mistakeand I have paid for it terriblyI ought to have known better'

'Well, what was was it?' it?'

'I never told Ben about you. I mean, I didn't at the start tell him, and then later on it seemed more and more impossible to tell him-'

'Never told him how we'd grown up together, loving each other?'

'Never told him how things were. When he asked had there been anybody, I said no. And of course he didn't know anything about it, my cousins didn't know, you remember how we were so sort of secretive, when we were children'

'Yes. It was so precious, Hartley. Of course we were secretive. It was precious and secret and holy.'

'So there was really no danger that anyone else would tell him'

'Danger? But why did it matter? After all you'd left me.'

'Ben was so jealous, he's such a terribly jealous person and at first I didn't understand about jealousy, I mean I didn't understand it could be like madness madness.'

Yes, like madness. I understood that all right.

'And before we got married he usedalmost to threaten me. If I annoyed him he'd say, 'I'll pay you out when we're married!', and I was never sure if it was a joke. And it was usually about jealousy things. If I looked at another man, I mean just literally looked, he got so angryand that went on and on after we got marriedAnd then at last I just got frightened and lost my head and told him.'

'Told him you had loved me, and I had loved you?'

'Told him, sort of. I didn't want to make it seem important, but of course the fact I hadn't told him earlier made it look so terribly serious'