The Road To Her Part 12

"Yeah, partly," I mumbled. "I'm just finding it hard to work with Elise at the moment."

"Have you two still not hit it off?" Bella asked tentatively. "I thought you were getting on so much better now." She looked at me with a motherly concern.

I sighed and leant back against the sofa, closing my eyes. "We're getting on fine," I said finally.

"But?"

I so needed to talk to someone about it, but I just didn't know how Bella would react. Would she think I was stupid for falling in love with Elise? It was ludicrous, wasn't it? Wanting to act out in real life what I was acting out on screen?

"I can't tell you, Bella," I said. "I don't even know where to begin. It's all such a mess, it really is."

I rubbed my hands roughly over my face, digging the tips of my fingers into the corners of my eyes as if trying to push back the tears that were threatening to spill again.

"Holly, my dear," Bella put her hand on my knee. "I've known you since you were twelve. I've been your other mother since you were twelve. I've watched you grow up from a sweet kid into the loveliest, most beautiful young lady anyone could wish to meet." She smiled kindly at me. "I'm very fond of you, you know, and I'd like to think you could come to me and tell me anything."

"I just don't know if you'd understand, though," I said sadly.

"I have three teenagers of my own at home." Bella nudged me good-naturedly. "I don't think there's much I don't understand about you lot." She thought for a while. "Why was Elise so desperate to see you just now? She looked awful. Really worried."

"Did she?" A small spark ignited inside me, in spite of myself.

"Mm-hmm," Bella nodded, her eyebrows raised.

"I'm totally f.u.c.ked up in the head at the moment," I said quietly. "And I've been messing up takes a bit too much just lately."

"Okay..." Bella started. "So why are you messing up your takes?"

"Because my mind is constantly on something...someone...else," I said.

"Now we're getting somewhere." Bella patted my leg.

"My head's such a mess, Bella," I mumbled. "I just don't know what to do!"

"Are you and Elise fighting over some boy?" Bella suddenly asked. "Is that what this is about? You've both met someone and you both fancy him?"

Oh, if only she knew!

"Robbie?" Bella persisted. "Is it to do with her date with Robbie? Do you like him yourself?"

I laughed. "No," I said. "Trust me, it's not that at all." We didn't speak for a few seconds. I was desperate to talk to her about it but just didn't know where to even begin. I took a deep breath. "I had an e-mail," I said slowly. "From an ex."

"Ugh, the ex's e-mail conundrum." Bella shuddered.

"Exactly," I said. "My ex wants to meet me and I don't know what to do."

"How long ago did you split up?" Bella asked. "I didn't even know you were seeing anyone, to be honest."

"Two years," I said. "And, no. I wanted to keep quiet about it."

"And he wants to see you again?" Bella looked at me with concern. "And you don't know whether you should go and see him? Is that it?"

"Something like that," I muttered, staring down at my hands.

"Do you want to see him?" Bella asked.

Her! Her! Did I want to see her?

"I don't know, that's just it," I said. "I haven't replied to the e-mail yet."

"So where does Elise fit into all this?" Bella asked.

"She figured I was stressing over something," I said slowly, "and has been pushing me to talk to her about it."

"And you don't want to talk to her because...?" Bella offered.

"Because if I start to talk to her, I'll never stop." I looked at Bella. "I just don't know what to do," I suddenly said. "Elise barely knows I exist some days, and I want her to."

"You want her to?" Bella leant her head to one side, confused.

"I want her to notice me, Bella," I said quietly. "Because I like her."

"I see," Bella said slowly. "I think." She paused. "Are you telling me what I think you're telling me?"

"The e-mail from the ex," I said, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. "The ex is a girl."

"I see," Bella repeated. "I didn't know you were...you know..."

"Gay? Well, I am," I said quietly. "Always have been."

"Okay," Bella said slowly, processing. "So let me get this right. You like Elise, but she doesn't know it, and now you've also had an e-mail from an ex-girlfriend, and you don't know what to do about it?"

"Yuh-huh."

"You are in a pickle, aren't you?" Bella laughed good-naturedly, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me to her in a bear hug. "And they say soaps are full of drama!"

"Could write a whole year's worth with me, I think." I sniffled.

"And Elise has no idea that you're gay or that you like her?"

"G.o.d, no!" I looked horrified. "She's no idea about either, and I want it to stay that way."

I looked down at my hands and started worrying at a piece of skin on my thumb. "I don't feel like I can stay away from Elise anymore," I said numbly. "I want her and I can't have her, and I hate it." I thought for a moment. "I haven't felt like this about anyone since Grace," I said simply. "And it's freaking me out a bit."

"In a good way?"

"Yeah." I sighed. "Elise is all I think about, day and night. It feels good to have my mind so full of a person again, but it's scary at the same time, especially because she doesn't even know."

"But Elise likes men, Holly," Bella said gently. "She went out with Robbie, she now has another boyfriend..."

"Stig," I said miserably. "I know. So she's not going to appreciate me coming to her with declarations of love, is she?"

Bella thought for a moment. "But do you think she'll freak out if you just tell her you're gay to start with?" she asked. "Don't you think she might like to know that? Bearing in mind the scenes you do together?" She paused. "I'm trying to be diplomatic here, Holly."

"Yes, I think she'll flip out if I tell her," I said miserably. I looked down at a screwed up sugar packet on the table that I'd been absent-mindedly playing with. "Elise told me once before that she has a reputation for picking the wrong men," I said. "She told me when she was in the States she had bad experiences with men, lurching from one guy to the next."

"And she's doing the same here?"

"Well she's been going from Robbie, to Stig, to G.o.d knows who else." I picked up the sugar packet again and screwed it into a tight ball, tossing it straight back down onto the table. "It's like she's drifting from boyfriend to boyfriend, always looking for the right one but never finding him."

"Because you think he doesn't exist?" Bella offered.

"Maybe."

"And you want to be the one who offers her what she wants?" Bella asked tentatively.

"I know I can," I said simply. "Because it's what I want, too."

"Then you have two options, my dear," Bella said, getting to her feet and placing her hand on my shoulder.

"Which are?" I looked up at her.

"You either take a risk and tell her exactly how you feel," Bella said, her hand still on my shoulder. "No holds barred, the whole pouring out your innermost feelings malarkey."

"Or?"

"Or you ignore your feelings completely and try to forget about her," Bella said. "Concentrate on just being her friend instead."

"Forget her?" I repeated, looking up at Bella.

"Mm-hmm." Bella nodded kindly. She paused for a moment. "And your ex?"

"Grace?" I said. "What about her?"

"Are you going to see her?"

"I don't know," I said. "I've been thinking about her a lot since she e-mailed me and gah! a small part of me thinks that if I hooked up with her again, my feelings for Elise would disappear."

"a.s.suming she wants to get back with you, of course."

"But even if I just go and see her, it might make me forget about Elise," I said hopefully. "It's got to be worth a try, hasn't it?"

"Oh, Holly." Bella sighed. "I wish I could tell you what the best thing to do would be, but I guess only you'll know that."

I jumped as there was a sharp rap on our dressing room door.

"That'll be my call for make-up." Bella patted my shoulder. "I'm due on set shortly."

I watched as she walked to the door and opened it, spoke to the person outside, then closed it again.

"We have some scenes together later this afternoon, don't we?" she asked, fetching her bag from the floor.

I nodded.

"Have a think about stuff quietly for a while," she said, coming back over to me. "And if you want to talk again later, you know where I'll be."

"Thanks, Bella." I smiled up at her. "You won't say anything, will you?"

"Holly, my dear," Bella said, "what's said in this dressing room stays in this dressing room." She leant over and kissed the top of my head, ruffling my hair for good measure, then walked back to the door and paused. "Think about talking to Elise as well," she said. "You don't have to tell her you like her, but it might be an idea to tell her about Grace."

"Maybe," I said. "Maybe not." I got up and joined Bella at the door, suddenly getting a rush of affection towards her and an overwhelming sense of relief that I'd come out to her.

"Bella?"

She turned round.

"Thanks," I said.

"For listening?" Bella grinned. "It's what I'm here for."

"Yeah, thanks for listening, and thanks for, well"-I glanced away, then back towards her-"for being cool with...y'know. Stuff."

"It's what I'm here for," Bella repeated, pulling me to her. I rested my chin on her shoulder, feeling my throat tighten with tears. "You know you can always talk to me, don't you?" she asked. "About anything."

"I know." I swallowed hard. "Somehow I think I'm going to be talking to you a lot in the coming weeks."

Chapter Thirteen.

I filmed all my scenes with Bella without any major hitches that afternoon, much to my relief. Talking to her had really helped make me feel less stressed-but still no happier-than I had in the morning, and I felt ridiculously pleased every time I remembered that I'd come out to her, which, considering Bella was my other mother, was a huge deal for me. I was even more relieved that telling her I was gay had pa.s.sed over Bella without her batting an eyelid, and I guess a small part of me regretted that I hadn't spoken to her or someone else about it before.

I still couldn't bring myself to speak to Elise, though. I knew I should go and apologise to her for not wanting to see her when she'd come to my dressing room that morning, clearly wanting to see me. I'd seen her around and about the studio since then as she'd filmed two scenes with Robbie on the set of Jasmine's kitchen, but that's all I'd seen of her since the morning, and a small part of me was relieved about that.

I'd decided I wouldn't tell her about Grace, despite Bella's advice. I'd also chosen not to see Grace, either. How could I? I'd checked my e-mails on my phone after I'd finished filming that afternoon and had been frustrated to find another one from her waiting in my inbox. This one just asked me if I'd got her first e-mail-"because you haven't answered"-and again suggested meeting up in London at some point during the few days she'd be in the capital. I deleted it straight away.

I mean, how could I go and meet up with someone who could have been so cruel as to break my heart the way she did, and then think it was okay to contact me again, just because she'd split up from the very same girl she'd left me for? What did Grace think I was going to do? Welcome her back with open arms? Not a chance-as far as I was concerned now, Grace didn't exist. I wouldn't reply to her e-mails, either. She could sit and stew for all I cared.

I was heading back out to my car, having finally finished for the day, when I heard footsteps behind me and swung round to see Elise trying to run across the car park in her socked feet, a pair of trainers in her hand. It was a sight that, if I hadn't still been so miserable, would have been funny.

"Holly! Wait!"

I looked at her, dressed down in gym gear, her trainers still in her hand, and my heart bunched up inside me. She looked stunning-she always did: sweatpants sitting cutely on her hips, T-shirt clinging to all the right places, and her hair, well, it hung perfectly across her eyes, just like it always did.

"I saw you leave and I wanted to catch you," she said, lifting her trainers up as if to explain.