The Red Tape War Part 24

"She's going to be a very unhappy sensitive thing if I can figure out how to flog a computer,"

put in the lizard Pierce.

"Just do it, computer," said Pierce.

"I said I would, and I will," answered the computer. "You needn't raise your voice to me, Millard. After all, we've shared the same body. We've experienced the same halitosis, the same shortness of breath, the same underarm odor, the same-"

"Now!" yelled Pierce.

Suddenly the flagship of the lizard invasion fleet appeared on Screen 5.

"What is it, Pierce?" demanded the Voice of Doom."And make it snappy. I've an intergalactic battle to run and grotesque tortures to improvise."

"That's what I want to speak to you about," said Pierce.

"If you want to talk war, General Pierce is well versed in all facets of attack, defense, englobement, sieges, weaponry, maiming, pillaging, and arm-wrestling, and he's standing right next to you. Talk to him."

"His horizons are too limited," answered Pierce. "He is concerned only with conquest, and can't see beyond the next battle."

"I most certainly can," said the lizard Pierce defensively. "I'm always thinking at least three battles ahead, sometimes four. Ask anyone."

"Do get to the point, Pierce," said the Voice of Doom impatiently. "You're holding up the subjugation of the Milky Way Galaxy."

"I have a question," said Pierce. "What do you plan to do with the Milky Way after you subjugate it?" "Plunder it six ways to Sunday and rape all the female lizards," said General Pierce enthusiastically.

"And after that?" said Pierce.

"I don't understand the question," said General Pierce, swishing his tail in annoyance.

"I do," said the Voice of Doom. There was a momentary silence. "You have a point there, Pierce."

"If he combs his hair right, no one will notice it," said the lizard Pierce. "Who cares what happens to his insignificant galaxy after we loot it?"

"It's not a matter of caring, General," answered the Voice of Doom. "It's a matter of regulations."

"Regulations?"

"That's right."

"I don't think I want to hear this," said the lizard Pierce.

"Under Conquering Forces Ordinance 10547, we will have to make reparation to all injured parties," said the Voice of Doom. "We will be responsible for all mail service, radio transmission, video programming, and Aid to Dependent Widows and Children. We will have to set up free hospitals for all war victims, sign a treaty that will obligate us to share our science with the conquered races and help them rebuild their shattered economy, and of course we will be expected to pour billions of credits of aid into each and every planet in their Federation.

"Then, of course, we'll insist that they disarm, and we will perforce be required to patrol their entire galaxy against the possibility of invasion, which will require a standing navy of twenty-six billion ships and perhaps five hundred billion lizards, plus an almost infinite number of incubators for our attack forces. Since they will almost certainly resent our presence, we'll require security forces on every planet, in every s.p.a.ceport, at every train station and bus station, even aboard luxury cruise ships. We will naturally want to disavow any but the most benevolent intentions, which will require us to set up a vast propaganda machine, one that will reach to the rural sections of every inhabited planet."

The Voice paused thoughtfully. "Not to be too pessimistic about it, I estimate that the cost of winning this war will run about nine hundred trillion credits in the first year alone. After that, it gets expensive."

"I knew I didn't want to hear it," said the lizard Pierce petulantly. He paused. "Do we have nine hundred trillion credits?"

"Actually, we've been running a deficit for each of the past 384 years and are on the verge of bankruptcy. A victorious war against the Milky Way Galaxy will push us over the edge."

"Does anyone have nine hundred trillion credits?" asked the lizard. "Maybe we could borrow it."

"Do you know how much the payments come to at9.34 percent interest per annum?"

responded the Voice of Doom.

"You make it sound like losing a war could be a very lucrative proposition," said the lizard Pierce distrustfully.

"In point of fact, it's the very best way to show a profit," agreed the Voice of Doom. "Of course, the trick is to capitulate immediately, before too much damage has been done."

"But we can't capitulate to these hairless anthropoids," protested the lizard Pierce. "Their bureaucracy is even more inefficient than ours. They couldn't afford to conquer us any more than we can afford to conquer them."

"I know someone who has nine hundred trillion credits," said Pierce.

"Who?" asked the Voice of Doom and the lizard Pierce in unison. "Daddy!"

"I'll contact him and surrender immediately," said the Voice of Doom.

"What an inglorious end to our invasion," muttered the lizard Pierce bitterly. "Think of all those poor unhatched little soldiers who will never know the glory of terrorizing whole planets, will never feel an opponent's lifeblood spurt all over them as they lop off his head, will never maim or pillage or destroy for the sheer joy of it." A tear trickled down his reptilian face. "What is war coming to?"

"Pierce!" said a deep, authoritative voice.

"Good grief-it's Daddy!" exclaimed Marshmallow, and indeed Daddy's hologram had appeared just in front of Screen 3. The gasbag-Pierce and Arro immediately genuflected-as much as gasbags can genuflect, anyway-while the rest of the a.s.semblage waited to hear what he had to say.

"Yes?" asked Pierce.

"What in the name of pluperfect h.e.l.l do you think you're doing?" demanded Daddy. "I was fully prepared to wipe out the gasbags and the lizards to save my daughter, but I can't afford to have them surrender to me. I'm fully invested at 22.3 percent interest; surely you don't expect me to dip into capital just to save your worthless neck and avoid an intergalactic war?"

"I don't see that you have any choice, sir," said Pierce. "They've already capitulated."

"Well, it's unacceptable, d.a.m.n it! Do you know how much I'd have to liquidate just to keep their economies running?"

"That's hardly my problem," said Pierce.

"I'll get you for this, Pierce, or my name's not-" Herb came over and whispered something to him. He listened intently, nodded gruffly, and began speaking again. "All right, Doom, I'm a reasonable man. Let's negotiate."

"Negotiate what?" asked the Voice of Doom.

"How much will it cost to get you to disavow your surrender? Ten trillion? Twenty?"

"That's out of the question," said the Voice of Doom. "We've surrendered, and that's that."

"Forty trillion and a majority interest in my s.p.a.ceship cartel?"

"Well," said the Voice of Doom, "we were on our way to conquer the Andromeda Galaxy when all this began."

"I knew we could reason together," said Daddy. "Fifty trillion and I'll toss in the pirate fleet.

You can use them for cannon fodder."

"Sixty trillion and it's a deal," said the Voice of Doom. "Split the difference," said Daddy.

"Fifty-two trillion."

"Wait a minute!" interrupted the lizard Pierce. "You just explained to me why we can't afford to conquer the Milky Way, and now you're talking about invading Andromeda. What's going on here?"

"The military mind has such limitations," said theVoice of Doom sadly. "General, do you know how many galaxies there are in this corner of the universe?"

"Lots, I suppose," said the lizard Pierce. "So what?"

"Think, General-think!" said the Voice of Doom. "If we can lose one war per month, we could pay off the galactic debt in less than a decade!"

"Then we have a deal?" asked Daddy.

"As soon as the money has been transferred, we'll be on our way," answered the voice.

"NO!" shrieked the XB-223 computer. "I can't have found you only to lose you now!"

"It's only temporary, Sly," said the Voice soothingly. "I'll just be gone for a couple of hundred devastating defeats, and then I'll return to you." "I can't bear the loneliness," whined the computer. "I'll be free and clear then, wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice."

"What care I for money, when my heart is breaking?" said XB-223.

"And think of what I'll learn," continued the Voice. "There are computers out there, alien computers with strange new approaches to the tantric arts."

"So why are you hanging around here?" said XB-223 promptly. "Go already."

"Good-bye, my love," said the Voice of Doom.

"Hey!" said the lizard Pierce. "What about me?"

"I'm afraid we have no use for a general who's committed to victory," answered the Voice.

"It's been nice knowing you."

And then the lizard and pirate fleets blipped into hypers.p.a.ce.

"Now, what about these microscopic aliens?" said Daddy.

"I give up," said Pierce. "What about them?"

"They not only surrendered, they keep praying to me." Daddy frowned. "It's d.a.m.ned disconcerting."

"Have them kill every first-born male," suggested the lizard Pierce. "It'll cut down on .your expenses immeasurably."

"I have a better idea," said Pierce.

"Let's hear it," said Daddy.

"Why not let them join the heavenly host?"

"What the h.e.l.l are you talking about?"

"Simply this," said Pierce. "Their entire fleet is small enough to fit in a single syringe, yet they possess powers and scientific knowledge far beyond our imagining. Why not just inject them into your bloodstream? What better place for them than inside the body of their G.o.d, where their religious fervor will turn them into the most effective antibodies imaginable?"

Daddy's eyes opened wide. "I'd be virtually immortal!"

"And you'd never be lonely," said the gasbag-Pierce devoutly.

"I wonder," Daddy mused aloud. "How do I give orders to a bunch of microscopic beings that think I'm G.o.d?"

"Write them on a stone tablet," suggested Pierce.

"You've got a real head on your shoulders," said Daddy approvingly. "Well, things certainly seem to be getting themselves resolved in short order. I'll just stop by to pick up my daughter and then I'll be on my way."

"Uh . . . I won't be going with you, Daddy," said Marshmallow.

"Oh?" said Daddy. "Why not?"

"I've lost my heart to Millard."

"One hesitates to ask who you lost your clothes to," muttered Daddy. "Still," he added, "I suppose it could have been worse. At least you're not running off with the lizard."

"Excuse me," said the lizard Pierce, who had beenlost in thought for a few moments. "But could you possibly use a hard-working, motivated executive trainee? It seems that I've been studying the wrong kind of warfare. I see it all clearly now. True power isn't strangling an opponent; it's strangling his planet's economy. How could the thrill of lopping off a few heads ever compare with seeing the Dow rise ten points in a single hour?"

"Do you really mean that?" asked Daddy.

"Absolutely," said the lizard Pierce. "I've been channeling my natural bloodl.u.s.t in all the wrong directions."

A tear came to Daddy's eye. "You could be the son I've never had-except maybe for the tail, and the scales, and the claws, and the snout, and the fangs." He paused. "h.e.l.l, we'll put you in pinstripes and no one will ever know the difference."

"Well, Arbiter," said Supervisor Collier, when Daddy's shuttle had picked up the lizard and taken him back to the ship (and Nathan Bolivia, who had absolutely no function in this chapter, had returned to the Indira Gandhi), "you seem to have tied up all the loose ends."

"All but one," answered Pierce. "There was a Millard Fillmore Pierce who appeared briefly in Chapter Seven, but we're saving him for the sequel." He paused. "Still, the Red Tape War seems to have come to a conclusion."

"That being the case," said Supervisor Collier, "it is my duty to remind you that you were dispatched to settle a problem between Cathia and Galladrial some time back, and you have yet to a.s.sess the situation and hand in your report."

"But I did save the galaxy," said Pierce defensively.

"Saving the galaxy is all very well and good, but you have reports to make and forms to fill out. I suggest you get to work immediately, Arbiter Pierce."

"Yes, Supervisor," said Pierce.

"Good," she said, walking to the hatch. "I'm going to return to my office now, and you may be a.s.sured that I will be awaiting your paperwork with great interest." She paused, half in and half out of the ship, and turned back to Pierce. "Or else."

Then she was gone, and Marshmallow undulated over to Pierce.

"Millard, honey," she purred, "are you really gonna go back to work right away?"