The Real Diary of a Real Boy Part 3

April 1. auful cold and rainy. i was going to wright a love letter to Beany and sine Lizzie Toles name to it but i told father about it for fun and he said that it was fourgery and that i cood be prostecuted and sent to jale. so i dident. tonite me and Beany rung five door bells for april fool.

April 2. been trying to get rid of some warts. Pewt says if you hook a piece of pork after dark, rub it on the warts and say arum erum irum orum urum and nurum 3 times turn round twice and throw the pork thru a window, then the warts will all be gone the next day. me and Beany is going to try it tomorrow.

April 3. brite and fair. dident get a chance to hook the pork.

April 4. The band played in the band room to-nite. it was warm enuf to have the windows open and we cood hear it. i sat out in the school yard til 10 oclock to hear it and father came out and walked me home. Beany was mad becaus i cared more for the band than for getting rid of the warts.

April 6. dident wright anything last nite, was too scart. i never was so scart in all my life before. me and Beany came awful near getting in jale. we dident know where to hook the pork. i went to our cellar but father was down there making vinigar all the evening, then we went to Beanys cellar but Mister Watson was sitting on the cellar door. so Beany told his father that a man was looking for him to see about a horse and Mister Watson started down to the club stable. then Beany hooked the pork and rubbed it over his warts and then i rubbed it over my warts and we said arum erum irum orum urum and nururn 3 times jest as Pewt said, turned round twice and i plugged the pork right threw a gaslite jest then the gasman came along, he yelled at us and jumped out of his wagon and went for us. we ran down threw the school yard as fast as we cood hiper. there is a hollow in the corner of the school yard by Bill Morrills back yard and there is a little hole in the bottom of the fence where the fellers crawl threw when the football goes into his garden.

we skinned threw that hole jest in time. the gasman tried to crawl threw but he coodent, then he clim the high fence but while he was doing that we ran across the carrige factory yard and down by the old brewery up Bow street and home. i went to bed pretty lively and so did Beany. gosh but we was scart.

April 7. One of Beanys warts has gone.

April 8. brite and fair. my warts have not gone.

April 9. brite and fair. my warts have not gone.

April 10. Clowdy but no rane. my warts have not gone.

April 11. rany. i have got 2 more warts. i gess i hadent ought to have broke that gaslite.

April 12. i have got another.

April 13. bully day. me and Potter Gorharn and Chick Chickering went out after toads today. i got 14 but i dident take them home you bet.

April 15. Brite and fair. we all went to church today to see the Lanes.

they come from New York and when they go to church everybody goes to see them. there was a boy with them named Willie. i bet i cood lick him.

April 16. Nothing particular today. dont feel very well, kind of headaky and backaky.

April 20. have been sick for 4 days. went to school monday and had to come home. when i got home i fell down on the steps and mother and aunt Sarah came out and got me in the house and put water on my head and rubbed my hands, and then the Doctor came and said, well Joanna, children are a good deel of truble and then he felt of my rist and said hum, and then he looked at my tung and said hum again, and then he pride open my mouth and looked down my throte and said hum, and then he pulled off my close and looked me over rite before mother and aunt Sarah and said well he aint spekled eny. then he said what have you given him Joanna and mother said, nothing, and the docter said, all right give him some more, and mother said i havent given him enything docter, and then he walked around the room and picked up some things and looked at them and then he gave me some of the wirst tasting stuff i ever took. then he said i gess he will be better tomorrow, and then he looked at some more things and went home. i dident sleep very well that nite but was auful hot and my head aked fearful. mother was in my room every time i waked up, and Sarah too. next day i had the docter again he looked at some pictures and things and told mother to give me some more. i always feel better when the docter comes in. he dont scare a feller to deth.

Well the next day i felt a little better and tried to sit up and have my britches on, but i had to lay down again my head aked so, and after awhile my head felt better and as i laid there i could look out of the window and it seamed as if little chains that you could see through like gla.s.s, were floating up and down they were about an inch long. well i wached them till i almost went to sleep and jest as i was most asleep i heard Beany out in the street holler, say Pewt, did you know that Plupy is going to die, and Pewt said course i did, why dont you tell me some news, and Beany said i heard he swalowed a peach stone and Pewt said it was liver complaint, and then i heard some one say, you boys shet up.

Gosh you bet i was scart. i hadent thought of dying. i began to howl and holler for mother. she came running in and i told her i was going to die and i told her about breaking the gaslite and a lot of other things and she told me the docter said i was getting better and i wood sit up tomorrow. well i better then and wished i hadent told mother about the gaslite becaus i knew she wood make me tell father. well mother set by my bed all the afternoon and read me some out of Billy Bolegs, jest think of her doing that, so when supper time came i et a lettle tost and had some current jelly. when father come home mother told him about the gaslite and all he said was i wood have to pay for it out of my cornet money. i thought he wood keep me in for a month. i gess mother must have talked to him.

That nite father slep on a lounge in my room. i went to sleep most as soon as he come in. after awhile i dremp i was tied on a sawlog jest going nearer and nearer to the saw and the saw was a going skratch-zoo, skratch-zoo, skratch-zoo. well i tride to pull away but i coodent move and i tride to holler and i coodent make a yip, and jest before the saw sawed into me i woke up. gosh you bet i was glad, but the funny part was that i could hear the saw going skratch-zoo, skratch-zoo, skratch-zoo, and what do you think it was. it was father snoring. gosh you ought to have heard him. well at first i laffed, but by and by i wanted to go to sleep and father snoring so loud i coodent till mother came in and told him to go to bed and she laid on the sofa all nite. the next day i set up and had my britches on and set up to the window all day. i saw Beany and Pewt and i nocked on the window and waved my claw at them. i am going out tomorrow.

April 22. i went out today. it was real warm. i dident go to church becaus i had been sick. i let my rooster out to fite J. Albert Clark's.

they were fiting good when i looked up and there was father looking over the fence. he made me stop the fite and shet my rooster up. i wonder if he wood have stoped them if i hadent been there. i got 2 eggs today, the old brama that i swaped for with Ed Tole and a bolten gray that John Adams give me.

April 23. i went to school today. i dident have to resite becaus i had been sick. if i dont get wirse i can goto Mis Packerds concert tomorow.

hope it wont rane.

April 24. brite and fair and it dident rane tonite, so i went to the concert. all the girls was flowers. Keene was a crocuss and had to come out and sing first becaus the crocuss is the first flower that comes out. she sung i am the first of all the flowers to greet the eyes of spring.

Jenny Morison was a tuch me not and set in the top of a rock and sung tuch me not, tuch me not let me alone. Nell Tole was a piny or a sunflower i have forgot whitch. Jenny Morison and Keene and Nell Tole are the best singers for their size in town. father thinks Keene can sing the best. he feels pretty big about Keene. i told him so one day and he said he had to becaus i dident amount to enything. i think Jenny Morison can sing the best but dont tell him so for he wood give me a bat.

April 25, 186- Cant go down town for a week becaus i sa.s.sed J. Albert Clark, that is J. Albert Clark says I sa.s.sed him but i dident. Beany had been working for J. Albert raking up leaves in his garden. J. Albert was a going to give him 10 cents for it and me and Beany was a going to divide up on goozeberries and juju paist, but Beany dident da.s.s to ask J. Albert for his pay because he had raked all the leaves under J.

Alberts front steps and he was afraid J. Albert wood find out about it and not pay him. Beany wanted me to ask him but i dident da.s.s to because i let my rooster out to fite J. Alberts last Sunday and J. Albert dont believe in fiting roosters. last night he was setting on his steps with some company and he had on his best lavender britches and his best blew coat.

So Beany said, tell you what Plupy, you set on your steps and i will set on my steps and we will holler across the street about the money that J.

Albert owes me. So Beany he went across the street to his steps and he hollered over, hi there Plupy have you got any c.h.i.n.k, and i hollered back, no Beany i havent got a cent, and Beany he hollered i shood have 10 cents if J. Albert Clark wood pay me what he owes me, and i hollered why in time dont he pay you, and Beany hollered i gess he hasent got any c.h.i.n.k, and i hollered he has probably spent all his c.h.i.n.k in buying them lavender britches, and Beany he hollered, well if J. Albert Clark needs the money more than I do he can have it. well while we was hollering mister Head and the Head girls who was setting on their steps got up and went into the house laffing, and the company at J. Alberts all laffed, and J. Albert came down and beckoned to Beany and Beany he went running over to get his 10 cents and J. Albert he said, Elbridge, that is Beanys name, Elbridge you cood have your money enny time if you had asked me for it decently, but now i shall not pay you for a week and i shall not imploy you enny more. Tell you what, Beany came over to my steps feeling pretty cheap and we was talking about it when mother called me in and sent me up stairs, and said she wood tell father as soon as he came home. So i went up stairs and looked out of the window jest in time to see Beanys father lugging Beany in by the neck. Well that nite after father got home he jawed me and said i coodent go down town for a week and made me go to J. Alberts right before the company and ask his forgiveness, and Beany had to to. J. Albert was a pretty good fellow and said it was all right, and dident want our fathers not to let us go down town, but father said i must learn to be respectable to my elders. Gosh we dident know J. Albert was a elder. We knowed elder Stevens and elder Stewart and deacon Gooch and we always was respectable to them, and if we had knowed that J. Albert Clark was a elder we woodent have sa.s.sed him for nothing.

April 26. Yesterday and day before it was brite and fair, and yesterday was as warm as summer. today, it was cold and it snowed a little. jest enuf to make the ground look as if it was covered with salt. the birds looked all humped up. i bet the frogs hind legs is about froze. it is raining now. if i was a frog i woodent come out of the mud until summer.

perhaps they cant stay under more than six months.

April 27. Warm again. 2 eggs today. i have got another hen. w.i.l.l.yam Perry Molton gave it to me. it is a leghorn and his other hens licked it and made its comb bludy and so he gave it to me. it was on the nest today but did not lay. i went to church. Mr. Cram preeched. he talked all about birds and flowers and i liked it.

April 28. brite and fair. all 3 hens were on the nest but dident lay.

April 29. no eggs today. mother said the hens cackled all the morning.

brite and fair.

April 30. i dont see what the mater is with my hens. i havent got 1 egg this week. father said there was a rat in the koop. i got a steel trap of Sam Diar and tonite i set it in the koop. i put a peace of cheeze on it. tomorrow morning i ges mister rat wont steal any more eggs.

May 1. what do you think. this morning i got up to get my rat and i found that my best hen, the bolton gray that John Adams gave me had tried to pick the cheeze out of the trap and the trap had caught her by the neck and killed her. i felt most bad enuf to cry. i thought i cood get up before the hen did. i went to the may brekfast today. it was may-fair day and they had a brekfast. me and Pewt, Beany, Whacker and Pozzy Chadwick, Micky Gould, Pop Clark, Prisilla Hobbs, Chick Chick-ering, Potter Gorham, Pile Wood, Curly Conner and all the fellers were there. we had a good time and et till just before school time and we had to hiper so as not to be late.

May 2. no eggs today. both hens went on the nest. i am going to lay for that rat with my bowgun.

May 3. what do you think. this noon i set in the hen koop 1 hour. the brama went on the nest and set a while and came off and cakled, then i looked and she had lade an egg. i left the egg there and hid behind a barrel and got my bowgun ready for the rat. well the leghorn hen went on the nest and i suposed she was a going to lay, but she broke rite into that egg and began to gobble it up. i was so mad that i let ding at her with the bowgun and just then she stuck up her head and the arrow took her rite in the back of the head. well i wish you cood have seen her.

she hollered one little pip and then went rite out of the nest backwards and flapped round awful. i picked her up and she was dead. i dident mean to kill her, i only wanted to make her jump and learn her not to eat eggs. O dear, i dont know what father will say when he finds it out.

May 5, 186- Saw a bully fite today. Cris Staples and Charlie Clark.

Charlie is visiting his uncle J. Albert Clark, the feller that we sa.s.sed. that is he said we did but we dident. Charlie is a city feller, he lives in Chelsy and think he knows a pile about things and gets mad if we call him names. now every feller who amounts to anything has a nickname, and some of them have 2 or 3. my nicknames are Plupy and Skinny and Polelegs, and Beany is called Bullethead and sometimes Fatty.

i told Charlie that if i called him Charlie the fellers would call him sissy or Mary and he better agree to let me call him bulldog or tomcat or diddly or gobbler or some nickname whitch wood mean something. but he said he would lam the head off of enny feller which called him names.

well you jest see what trouble he got into for not having a nickname. he would have knowed better than that if he hadent lived in Chelsy.

Well today me and Charlie was setting on his steps. Beany was mad because i was going with Charlie and he had gone riding with his father and he felt pretty big because his father let him drive. well while we were setting there along came Cris Staples who carries papers for Lane and Rollins store, and Cris hollered over, hullo Polelegs. Charlie hadent heard enyone call me Polelegs. and i said, i woodent stand that if i was you Charlie, now less see you lam the head off of him, and Charlie he started across the road and walked up to Cris and said who in time are you calling Polelegs and Cris wasent going to back down and said, you, and Charlie said jest drop them papers and i will nock your face rite off, and Cris dropped his papers and they went at it. it was the best fite i have seen this year. they fit from Mr. Head's down to Gim Ellisons corner, and Cris licked time out of Charlie, and Charlie began to yell and give up and then Cris let go of his hair and told him he was to smart, and that it was me he was calling Polelegs and not him, and he better not be so smart another time, and Cris he picked up his papers and went off with a great slit in his jacket and his necktie way round on one side, and Charlie came home howling and Aunt Clark, Charlie's grandmother came out and said, that is what you get Charlie for quareling. see how much better Harry feels, and i said, yes mam.

Charlie is never going to speak to me again.

May 7. Beany was pretty mad when I told him about the fite because he dident see it. i gess he will find it don't pay to get mad with me. i saw Charlie today but he dident speak. he has got a black eye. Cris has got a funny looking nose on one side.

May 8. Chitter Robinson went in swiming today. i bet it was cold.

May 9. Went down to the high school yard tonite to hear the band play.

they have got a new leader a Mister Ashman of Boston. he can play the cornet with 1 hand. i went down today to pay the gasman for the gaslite i broke. it cost 1 dollar and i have only got 87 cents for my cornet.

sometimes i dont believe i shall ever get that cornet. Scott Brigam can blow a bugle. a bugle is like a cornet only a cornet has 3 keys and a bugle is all covered with flappers and curly things where you put your fingers. Rashe Belnap can play a cornet splendid but he dont play very often. Frank Hirvey plays one that goes over his shoulder way behind his back. gosh i wish i cood get a cornet.

May 10. father has found out about my killing that hen. he dident get mad but said i ought to have cut her head off and she wood be good to eat, but i supose it is to late now for it is almost a week ago and i burried her the next day.

May 11. me and Potter Gorham went mayflowering today. i got a bunch and sold them to a student named Chizzum for 35 cents. i put it with my cornet money. i have now got $1.22. i can get a cornet for 25 dollars a second hand one. i am afraid i shall never get that cornet.

May 12. Rany last nite and this morning. in the afternoon it cleared up.

gosh i wish you cood see the licking Beany got tonite. me and Beany went out to go up to see Pewt and make some sweet fern sigars. Beany came over for me and went up to Pewts. on the way Beany went up an rung his doorbell and we hid behind the fence and Mister Watson, Beany's father, came out holding a light and shading it with his hand. the wind blew the lite out and in going in again he hit his head an awful b.u.mp against the door. me and Beany nearly died laffing only we tride not to laff too loud. well we went up to Pewts and Pewt had been sent to bed for something and so we started back and met a man who said is this you Elbridge, it was pretty dark and Beany said yes and Mister Watson grabbed us both by the collar and said, so you are the boys who rung my doorbell and then he give Beany a rap on the side of the head and began to shake him round lively and while he was shaking Beany up i put for home. i hid behind the fence and i cood hear him say i will learn you to asosiate with that misable Shute boy and wast your time ringing doorbells, and Beany was saying, o father i will never do it again. i nearly died laffing to hear Beany a rattling round on the sidewalk. i hope Mister Watson wont tell father. i gess he wont for he gets over his mad pretty quick. every time i think of Beanys legs flying round in the air i giggle rite out and when i think of Mister Watson b.u.mping his head i nearly die. sometimes i think it pays to be tuff.

May 13, 186- Keene and Cele have got some new crokay slippers. you bet they feel pretty big about it.

May 14. nothing particular today.