The Parent's Assistant Part 37

_Land._ Ay, indeed--eight, I might say, for I am an early little body; though I say it that should not say it--I _am_ an early little body.

_Just._ An early little body, as you say, Mrs. Bustle--so I shall have my goose-pie for dinner, hey?

_Land._ For dinner, as sure as the clock strikes four--but I mustn't stay prating, for it may be spoiling if I'm away; so I must wish your worship a good morning.

(_She curtsies._)

_Just._ No ceremony--no ceremony; good Mrs. Bustle, your servant.

_Enter_ WILLIAM, _to take away the chocolate. The Landlady is putting on her shawl._

_Just._ You may let that man know, William, that I have dispatched my _own_ business, and am at leisure for his now (_taking a pinch of snuff_). Hum! pray, William (_Justice leans back gravely_), what sort of a looking fellow is he, pray?

_Will._ Most like a sort of travelling man, in my opinion, sir--or something that way, I take it.

(_At these words the Landlady turns round inquisitively, and delays, that she may listen, while she is putting on and pinning her shawl._)

_Just._ Hum! a sort of a travelling man. Hum! lay my books out open at the t.i.tle Vagrant; and, William, tell the cook that Mrs. Bustle promises me the goose-pie for dinner. Four o'clock, do you hear? And show the old man in now.

(_The Landlady looks eagerly towards the door, as it opens, and exclaims,_)

_Land._ My old gentleman, as I hope to breathe!

_Enter the_ OLD MAN.

(_Lucy follows the Old Man on tiptoe--The Justice leans back and looks consequential--The Landlady sets her arms akimbo--The Old Man starts as he sees her._)

_Just._ What stops you, friend? Come forward, if you please.

_Land._ (_advancing_). So, sir, is it you, sir? Ay, you little thought, I warrant ye, to meet me here with his worship; but there you reckoned without your host--Out of the frying-pan into the fire.

_Just._ What is all this? What is this?

_Land._ (_running on_). None of your flummery stuff will go down with his worship no more than with me, I give you warning; so you may go further and far worse, and spare your breath to cool your porridge.

_Just._ (_waves his hand with dignity_). Mrs. Bustle, good Mrs. Bustle, remember where you are. Silence! silence! Come forward, sir, and let me hear what you have to say.

(_The Old Man comes forward._)

_Just._ Who and what may you be, friend, and what is your business with me?

_Land._ Sir, if your worship will give me leave----

(_Justice makes a sign to her to be silent._)

_Old M._ Please your worship, I am an old soldier.

_Land._ (_interrupting_). An old hypocrite, say.

_Just._ Mrs. Bustle, pray, I desire, let the man speak.

_Old M._ For these two years past--ever since, please your worship--I wasn't able to work any longer; for in my youth I did work as well as the best of them.

_Land._ (_eager to interrupt_). You work--you----

_Just._ Let him finish his story, I say.

_Lucy._ Ay, do, do, papa, speak for him. Pray, Mrs. Bustle----

_Land._ (_turning suddenly round to Lucy_). Miss, a good morrow to you, ma'am. I humbly beg your apologies for not seeing you sooner, Miss Lucy.

(_Justice nods to the Old Man, who goes on._)

_Old Man._ But, please your worship, it pleased G.o.d to take away the use of my left arm; and since that I have never been able to work.

_Land._ Flummery! flummery!

_Just._ (_angrily_). Mrs. Bustle, I have desired silence, and I will have it, that's poz! You shall have your turn presently.

_Old M._ For these two years past (for why should I be ashamed to tell the truth?) I have lived upon charity, and I sc.r.a.ped together a guinea and a half and upwards, and I was travelling with it to my grandson, in the north, with him to end my days--_but_ (_sighing_)----

_Just._ _But_ what? Proceed, pray, to the point.

_Old M._ But last night I slept here in town, please your worship, at the 'Saracen's Head.'

_Land._ (_in a rage_). At the 'Saracen's Head!' Yes, forsooth! none such ever slept at the 'Saracen's Head' afore, or ever shall afterwards, as long as my name's Bustle and the 'Saracen's Head' is the 'Saracen's Head.'

_Just._ Again! again! Mrs. Landlady, this is downright--I have said you should speak presently. He _shall_ speak first, since I've said it--that's poz! Speak on, friend. You slept last night at the 'Saracen's Head.'

[Ill.u.s.tration: '_Five times have I commanded silence, and I won't command anything five times in vain_--that's poz!']

_Old M._ Yes, please your worship, and I accuse n.o.body; but at night I had my little money safe, and in the morning it was gone.

_Land._ Gone!--gone, indeed, in my house! and this is the way I'm to be treated! Is it so? I couldn't but speak, your worship, to such an inhuman like, out o' the way, scandalous charge, if King George and all the Royal Family were sitting in your worship's chair, beside you, to silence me (_turning to the Old Man_). And this is your grat.i.tude, forsooth! Didn't you tell me that any hole in my house was good enough for you, wheedling hypocrite? And the thanks I receive is to call me and mine a pack of thieves.

_Old M._ Oh, no, no, no, _No_--a pack of thieves, by no means.

_Land._ Ay, I thought when _I_ came to speak we should have you upon your marrow-bones in----

_Just._ (_imperiously_). Silence! Five times have I commanded silence, and five times in vain; and I won't command anything five times in vain--_that's poz_!

_Land._ (_in a pet, aside_). Old Poz! (_Aloud._) Then, your worship, I don't see any business I have to be waiting here; the folks want me at home (_returning and whispering_). Shall I send the goose-pie up, your worship, if it's ready?

_Just._ (_with magnanimity_). I care not for the goose-pie, Mrs. Bustle.

Do not talk to me of goose-pies; this is no place to talk of pies.

_Land._ Oh, for that matter, your worship knows best, to be sure.