The Onion Presents Part 9

Now, every Christmas special has its little storyline. Here's mine: It's Christmas Eve, and I've sent hubby Rick to the store for Tom & Jerry mix, but soon afterwards, it started to snow, and he hasn't been seen or heard from for hours.

But of course, it's a holiday special, so there's plenty of comedy, music, and cheer to offset the gloom. Guest number one is none other than my crazy pal Fulgencio, the jolliest elf you've ever seen! "Girl, you look fabu!" he says in his boisterous way. (I'm no longer wearing the Christmas tree skirt, but a more comfortable and beautifully sequined sweatsuit.) I say I'm worried about Rick, and Fulgencio tells me that it's just as well he's not around, because get a load of what he has for me. In rolls a huge present. Fulgencio unties the bow, and out pops-be still, my heart-Patrick Swayze! "You've always been my biggest fan, Jean, and in the spirit of giving, this is for you," he says, tenderly taking my hand in his. He sings me the hottest version of "Merry Christmas Baby" ever, 10 times better than Elvis. It's all I can do to keep from bawling! Then, as a further surprise, Patrick Swayze suddenly turns into a gigantic chocolate statue, and Fulgencio and I eat him! (Nutty, huh?) I haven't quite worked out the middle yet. I'm not sure if I should make Christmas cookies with Rosie O'Donnell (dressed as a nutcracker) or have an ice-skating segment inspired by Ice Castles. I'll definitely have a performance by the reunited ABBA, and also a segment of formal apologies from all the people who've fired me throughout the years. In the spirit of the season, I will forgive them all and invite them in to warm themselves at my hearth.

Bam! Bam! Who's that at my door? Why, it's none other than the Queen Diva herself, Miss Piggy! Miss Piggy is mad at me because she thinks she deserves to have her own special. To remind her about the Christmas spirit (and to keep from getting karate-chopped!), I coax her into singing "We Need A Little Christmas" with a bunch of adorable children dressed as Tiny Tim.

It's Christmas Eve and nearing midnight, and still no sign of Rick. I'm getting really worried. I don my fur-trimmed bonnet and cloak and set out to look for him. The land is beautiful and moonlit but sort of eerie at the same time. I approach a clearing and look up, and see a huge, looming figure in front of me! Oh, no-could it be the Abominable Snowman?

After the commercial break, I'm still cowering before the looming giant. But suddenly I realize that it's only a shadow being cast by hubby Rick! Jugs of Tom & Jerry mix in tow, he explains that he got lost in the snowstorm on his way back from the store. "But then I saw a very bright star shining in the heavens," he explains. "It cast a light down a path, and I followed the path, and a little while later, our house was in view." We sing "Silent Night," which is religious without being preachy.

No sooner do we get inside than we hear sleigh bells on the roof! Some loose soot and masonry tumbles into the fireplace. It's Santa Claus! Only this isn't just any Santa Claus-it's my dad! "Merry Christmas, Jeannie my daughter!" he cries. Everybody gasps in wonder, but I just groan. "He's actually a phony shopping-mall Santa," I say. "He left town earlier this year when his business failed, and he never paid me for all the work I did for him." But that's where I'm wrong-Dad reveals that he really is Santa. His eyes twinkle, he puts his finger to his red nose, and suddenly a huge pile of money and presents, all for me, materializes under my tree! Everybody cheers, and we all sing "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town."

After the final commercial break, I come out on the now-darkened set carrying a candle. I thank everybody for watching my special, and reading my column for all these years. I say that you're my favorite guest stars of all, and if I had one wish, it would be that everybody could have a holiday just like a holiday special. Oh, and also, I say that I'm looking for a job again, and if you know anyone who's hiring, let me know.

TIPS.

Drinking Responsibly During The Holidays The holiday season is a time to enjoy family dinners, office parties, and get-togethers with friends. Festive drinks and tasty punches often contribute to the holiday revelry, so here are some tips to help you celebrate sensibly: * If you are a woman, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol. If you are a man, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol.

* Always drink from the bottle labeled "x.x.x." The bottle with the skull-and-crossbones on the front is poison.

* Drinking alone is a telltale sign that you know better than to put up with anybody's bulls.h.i.t.

* Drinking more than seven nights a week is not just irresponsible, it's impossible.

* If someone you know is too drunk to drive demand that he let you have his car keys. If he refuses, pull out a gun and demand the car keys again. This also works with people who are not drunk, and whom you do not know.

* Never drink with Tyler Schneeklov.

* While standing in the middle of the road at 3 a.m. yelling expletives at your ex-girlfriend, wear light-colored clothing so motorists can see you.

* Once you get married and have kids, stop drinking tons of whiskey and switch to drinking tons of wine.

* Always re-cap your flask between swigs. This lengthens the amount of time between drinks.

* Don't mix alcohol with stereotypes. If you are Irish, drink rum. If you are a pirate, drink whiskey.

* Don't drink and drive. Disregard this tip if you happen to be one of those people who drive better drunk.

* If you suddenly find yourself impaired by alcohol, prevent any social awkwardness by informing all those present that you profoundly love them, and that you never get this drunk.

* Never use alcohol to escape feelings of failure and loneliness. Use Vicodin.

* Before heading out to the office holiday party, tape a handcuff key to the inside of your watchband. Just trust us on this one.

NEWS.

Area Man Can Actually Feel The Advanced Vapor Action Working ELMIRA, NY-Local resident Maurice Weathers enjoyed temporary relief from congestion and minor throat irritation Monday thanks to the fast-acting advanced vapor action of Halls Mentho-lyptus cough drops.

Maurice Weathers (inset) breathes in the wavy, sinus-clearing vapors of doctor-recommended Halls Mentho-lyptus cough drops.

"It's a proven fact that Halls, the brand you've trusted for nearly a century, alleviates the discomfort a.s.sociated with cold-related coughs for as much as 12 hours," said Dr. Richard Marin, an ears, nose, and throat specialist at the famed Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. "But don't take my word for it: Take Maurice Weathers'."

"When I first heard about Halls, I was skeptical," said Weathers, who had been suffering from flu symptoms since Dec. 3. "Other leading cough-drop brands had failed me before. And this was one tough cold."

Weathers said his wife Nicole urged him to try the product, saying that her grandmother "used to swear by it." "When Nicole said that, I thought to myself, 'Her grandmother? That must have been an awful long time ago,' " Weathers said. "Times have changed, and so have colds."

Despite his reservations, after more urging from his wife, Weathers took a Halls.

"I figured, what could it hurt? I'll give it a shot," Weathers said. "And you know what? Just one lozenge cleared my nasal pa.s.sages and soothed the redness in my throat within minutes. I could actually feel the advanced vapor action working."

So effective was the advanced vapor action of Halls, Weathers was back on his feet in just minutes.

"Nicole just about did a double take when she saw me wearing my overcoat and toting my briefcase as I headed for the door," Weathers said. "She said to me, 'I thought you called in sick. What's wrong?' "

Continued Weathers: "I just held up the roll of Halls she gave me and said with a smile, 'You mean, what's right?!' "

Halls spokesman Howard Rubenstein said he is not surprised by Weathers' success with the product.

"With cold and flu season upon us, people want relief-fast," Rubenstein said. "And the advanced vapor action of Halls provides just that. Containing "mentho-lyptus," an active ingredient distilled from eucalyptus leaves, Halls is laboratory-proven to relieve the throat soreness a.s.sociated with coughs and colds."

"And now, with new Aspen Wintermint and Soothing Strawberry flavors," Rubenstein said, "advanced vapor action never tasted so good."

Added Rubenstein: "If Dr. Josiah Halls, the young Columbia University chemistry student who first synthesized mentho-lyptus and blended it into glucose lozenges in 1924, could see what his invention has done for cold and flu sufferers the world over, he would be proud."

One of those sufferers-or, rather, former sufferers-won't ever doubt the power of Halls again.

"Advanced vapor action-who would have known it could be so effective?" Weathers asked. "But just one Halls gave me relief for hours. So long, other leading brands. From now on, it's Halls for me."

TIPS.

Stocking Up For Weather Emergencies In antic.i.p.ation of the snowstorms that paralyzed the Mid-Atlantic, store shelves were stripped bare, leaving some unlucky citizens without the bare essentials. Here are the items you should not be without if you're snowed in: * Jigsaw puzzles: If you can't get out of the house, an old-fashioned jigsaw puzzle is the perfect way to while away the hours, and the perfect catalyst for a fight with your family or roommates when you get sick of doing the same puzzle for four hours * Lean Cuisine Swedish meatb.a.l.l.s: Suddenly this doesn't look quite so bad anymore, eh, Snow Prisoner?

* Digital camera: Immediately after the storm, you'll need to take pictures of the mounds of snow outside, upload them to Facebook, and enter such captions as "enough snow for you?" or "MY CAR IS UNDER THERE SOMEWHERE LOL!!!!!"

* Pfeifer Zeliska .600 Nitro Express revolver: This powerful handgun will stop any ... wild game ... you are hunting in order to keep your family fed and warm (wink wink) * Headlamp flashlight: So the rescue team can find you and carry out your corpse * Five gallons of bleach: As long as you're stuck inside you might as well get some cleaning done * Gender-specific s.e.x toy: Heavy snow acc.u.mulation will make roads impa.s.sible, and your weekly visit to a prost.i.tute unlikely * Tauntaun: When your best friend goes missing in the blizzard conditions, you'll need to use the carca.s.s of this bipedal reptomammal to keep his body warm

COMMENTARY.

Why Can't We Have A Nice Igloo Like The Meekitjuks Next Door?

By Komangapik Mukpa This so-called "igloo" of ours, dear, is a complete embarra.s.sment. Some days, I don't even want to be seen crawling out of the entrance. Now, the Meekitjuks next door, they've got a beautiful place-perfectly cut blocks of ice, a nice, wide entrance, and a two-sled snow rampart built into the back. Why can't we live in a decent igloo like them?

Just take a look at this poor excuse for an igloo: there are ice shavings all over the floor, the ceiling is filthy with smoke, and the wall that faces the rising sun is so uneven, it looks like it's ready to cave in at any second. I wouldn't be surprised if we came home one day to find the whole dome collapsed! Yes, we're the laughingstock of the whole neighborhood.

Yesterday, I had some of the gals from the neighborhood over for a bit of blood soup. I didn't even have a decent hammered-copper bowl to serve it in. On top of that, do you think they didn't notice the worn-out condition of our qipiik? It's more hole than caribou hide! And this old polar-bear-skin rug-it's an ancient hand-me-down from my grandmother, and we're still using it.

All the other women in the village enjoy the latest modern conveniences: blades made of metal, coffee cans to cure the blubber dip. Meanwhile, I don't have so much as an ulu knife to butcher the darn seals.

Not that I've had much to butcher lately. Yesterday, I was peeking out the front entrance and saw Pauloosie Meekitjuk come home after a day of hunting. He was dragging two seals home on his sled! When was the last time you brought two seals home? Last week, it was a few skinny little otters. You're always giving the same lame excuse, telling me it's a "hard winter." Well, we must have some real strange weather patterns around these parts, because it doesn't seem to be a hard winter 20 feet away over at Chez Meekitjuk.

You come home every night, complaining about how exhausted you are from standing over the ice all day with a harpoon, waiting for a seal to surface. And that's not even counting all the nights you come crawling in the front hole at 2 a.m., armed with some phony-baloney story about how you've been out all night following caribou tracks across the frozen tundra. Please. I'm not stupid. I know you're down at the kashgee listening to the shaman stories with the guys. And you know what? I'm really starting to get tired of it.

This coming Sunday, we're invited to the seal-sharing feast over at the Meekitjuks. You'll be happy to know that there will be a whole feast of sliced flipper and blubber and caribou-stomach contents. And I'm sure you'll enjoy it every bit as much as the Meekitjuks' last feast. But we're not going to be invited too many more times if you don't bring home a seal soon to return the favor. Then where will we be? We'll be shunned and have to move our igloo to the bad part of the village, out where the anthropologists live.

I know what you're thinking: "But Komangapik! We just got a new kayak this year! Doesn't that count for something?" Some kayak! The Meekitjuks have a 14-foot kayak, and ours is barely 10 feet long. And what about the caribou-skin interior you keep saying you'll put in it as soon as you get the time? You promised to do it 20 moons ago!

The only thing you care about is that stupid sled of yours. Did we really need another dog? I think Qallunaaq and Kitikmeot were more than adequate, but you insisted we needed Nujuattaittut and Nujuattaittuttuta, too.

My mother warned me about you. She said, "Komangapik, that man has the spirit of the mighty humpback whale in his soul, but nothing but dust in the pockets of his parka." What did I know? I was only 14. Now that I'm older, I understand all too well what she was saying.

Don't I deserve a decent igloo? Do you think I just sit around all day chewing dried salmon while you're away hunting? Yesterday, I spent all day repairing last year's sealskin boots with sinew thread and bone needles, just so I'd have something decent to wear to storytelling sessions around the group fire. If only I could have something besides the same old fox-fur coats.

You spare no expense when it comes to your precious harpoons and knives. You just had to have that toggle harpoon made out of ivory when the antler one would have done fine. But as soon as I want a few small things for around the igloo, we suddenly don't have the skins to trade for them.

Did you see the wooden mask Amik Meekitjuk has on her wall? I asked her where she got it. She said she bought it during an umiak trip to Baffin Island and that it cost only a pot of seal oil. Only! We barely have enough seal oil to keep our igloo lit through the winter, and they're trading away a whole pot of oil! The fact that she got it during a trip to Baffin Island only makes it worse. Every year, you promise that the whole family will migrate there for the summer to fish and capture birds. Then, when it's time to go, you take off with the other men and say there's not enough room in the umiak for me and the kids.

Do you think I enjoy sitting home, staring at the same one wall day after day? Of course not! Then, when I offer to accompany you on the hunt, you say I talk too much and prevent the seals from coming to the surface! Well, maybe if I had more otter to skin, I'd have less time to talk. Hmmph.

NEWS.

Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think CHICAGO-Health experts have long known that drinking red wine can have such positive benefits as reducing blood vessel damage, lowering the risk of heart attack, and preventing harmful LDL cholesterol from forming. But researchers at the Northwestern University Department of Preventive Medicine have recently found that the consumption of four to six gla.s.ses of red wine, most notably at dinner or a family function, may be linked to totally going off on one's mom.

Just three gla.s.ses with dinner can support finally letting her have it.

According to a study published Monday in The American Journal Of Medicine, a previously unknown ingredient in red wine has been shown to cause a marked improvement of vocal clarity and emotional acuity-while reducing overall inhibition-after only four gla.s.ses.

During routine trials, subjects who imbibed five gla.s.ses or more showed a remarkable increase in specific mental functions, such as the ability to recall every time their mothers had been unsupportive of their boyfriends or husbands.

A striking reduction in the time needed to translate personal epiphanies into loud, public epiphanies was also noted.

"It seems the benefits of red wine consumption are virtually limitless," said Dr. Susan Zheng, lead researcher on the study. "Many were unable to recall a single time their mother had paid more attention to their sister's soccer games than to their starring role in the school play. But after drinking only one bottle of standard Merlot, these partic.i.p.ants could not only remember, but could actually sing whole stretches of Annie Get Your Gun, even while sobbing. It's extraordinary."

Dr. Zheng explained that the 100 women who partic.i.p.ated in the study were split into two groups. One group was seated at the end of a long dinner table and subjected to backhanded compliments about their housekeeping abilities while steadily imbibing 8-ounce gla.s.ses of Turning Leaf Cabernet. The other group, a control group, was allowed to celebrate the holidays at home.

NEWS IN PHOTOS.

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OPINION.

The Times That Try Jean's Soul A Room Of Jean's Own